Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[SoTorn]

Everyone needs solitude. I thoroughly enjoy just being alone.

[Adam04]

Adam. Regardless of what your W says, I would NOT absolutely NOT move to an apartment before consulting a lawyer. Remember to believe nothing they say.

Gotcha, thanks for the positive scare Move. I'm in Texas and had been looking at child custody laws. From what I read nothing said leaving the home early would constitute as abandonment. I read something about the marriage home which we are selling, but will bring up the new house that she has solely in her name.

I will explain my sitch to the lawyer and get advice on it. Below are a couple of things I want to get more info on from the lawyers.

Texas Child Custody
The Texas court grants a joint conservatorship in consideration of:

the physical distance between the residences of the parents;



Determining Child Custody in Texas
The court has great discretion when making custody determinations, but considers:

any acts or omissions of the parent that may indicate parental unfitness, and any explanations for such acts or omissions



I want to have joint custody but will ask about the distance in the event I need to be closer to her place. Also, I'd need to make sure leaving early before the house sale doesn't appear as abandonment on the kids. I am okay with them being in one home.

[Adam04]

Everyone needs solitude. I thoroughly enjoy just being alone.

Hey ST,

You got that right. I'm glad you can enjoy some nice and quiet time. The downer is that I am in control at the moment of that. When W moves out and takes the kids with her to her new place, I'm going to have to deal with the absence, something I can't control. I need to whip my mind into shape. I don't think it just happens and I don't think anything can substitute or provide comfort. I will miss my children deeply.

[Adam04]

Drove to work this morning in the cold daylight and didn't notice the liquid in the drive way. On highway with thermostat on H. Car locked up, power steering went out, and brakes acting janky. Almost careened into a column but managed to safely pull into the right lane of the underpass. Busted gasket, a few other issues, and costs more than value so now looking for a replacement car. (Didn't make the dinner tonight with coworkers but that's okay)

W had offered when she got home to lend me 5k. I declined. She got mad and left the study. It was nice of her, but I told her I got it. (I could do some mind reading here, but I don't think it would serve any purpose. I know there is still hurt between us and she knows if I have it bad on my end its because of the split, and I'll be stubborn enough not to get her help, I don't want it. That's why she said it wasn't just for me, it was for the kids too and I just declined.)

Past week I scheduled my lawyer consult for this upcoming week.

Again I typed out so much crapola about my past, I think it's to justify something but I don't know what or why. I think somewhere it's the NGS looking for some type of validation like I want to be heard or there is a deeper issue or reason for me being the way I am. I also think it just feels good to type everything out as if to my W or just for my own self to get my feelings out there.

Something is on the back of my mind. Pictures... I wasn't planning to keep my wedding album or pictures of me and her or our family but I think that's a little extreme. What if the boys grow up and wanted to see or share their history of mom and dad. What have you felt about that? I could keep them but not place them up. Between W and I, she has no attachments to items. No heirlooms or keepsakes. We never had a family album made. Everything is online. You know what, I've made my decision. I'm keeping some but not putting them up. Maybe storage. At first thought I was like naw, I'm not keeping nothing, but I've sat on it and am okay with this decision. We have a few pictures of us together when we were younger. The one that used to be on my desk sits in a drawer. I am not throwing it away. Even if I was to ever re-marry, I'd give them to the kids. It's for that reason only, I think. Feelings are hazy on this one, and its still new.

Along with the car going bye-bye, my pc is starting to freeze and my i-pad is starting to have the battery drain quickly. This is a sign to save all the password I have on my phone to paper somewhere because that will be next.

I've been listening to Black Label Society all day while hunting for a new ride. Choices, choices. The music could have gotten me emotional, but I do not want to go there so stopped letting it affect me in that way. If I would have allowed myself, I think I could have cried but I don't want to. I don't want to cry anymore over this or be sad in the way where I'm letting it. If anything, it's going to have to surprise me and when that happens I'm going to adjust. It's a slow conditioning.

After I replaced a garage door roller in the garage, I asked W if she was taking the kids out this weekend for anything and she told me her schedule. I told her I was planning to take the kids out to dinner Saturday night and said if she wanted to go with us she could.

I haven't taken them to school in a while or picked them up because of traffic. 3 lanes got closed down to 2 and it's a nightmare. W has a little more freedom at work to leave earlier like today she got home around 3:30 and worked from home. I work a pretty rigid schedule, working in the medical field(edited to rephrase, I work for a large hospital system, clerical) and I can't take off on a whim.

Someone aske me before I think if I was spiritual or religious. I was raised Pentacostal but stopped going to church. I have two brothers who were severely brainwashed into thinking everything was placed solely on God and blamed him for the things happening to them. My W is Catholic but she doesn't have a connection with God and we don't go to the church. I did promise to raise my sons Catholic, but I don't know about converting over. I have put some thought into it. I need communion.

I've checked out videos about having similar values with the W like being Christians. I'm going to slowly think about this hard. There may be no point for me to stand if what I am standing for is always going to be a straw house over quicksand. W is partly right in that we were young. I didn't grow up on my own and I never looked at life like I do now.

[FlySolo]

[quote=SoTorn] When W moves out and takes the kids with her to her new place, I'm going to have to deal with the absence, something I can't control. I need to whip my mind into shape. I don't think it just happens and I don't think anything can substitute or provide comfort. I will miss my children deeply.

This was tough for me at the start. My H is away with work a lot so I had got use to not having him around. But when he MO and started having the kids over night and started taking them places without me (it had always been me and the girls, or me, my H and the girls) it felt like my entire sense of self was being torn apart. The void they left was immense.

But I got through it. I had never been in the house on my own and slowly, very slowly, I learned to enjoy it. At first I would always plan an activity (I was at the gym A LOT back in those days) when he had the kids or I'd always accept his invitations to join them. This is when i started to meditate. I would lie down on a mat in our (my) room and listen to guided meditation. It helped ground me and come to terms with being alone. I purposely stopped planning activities and started saying no to the invites. I now look forward to my time at home on my own. I watch what I want on TV or put on music and potter around the house. I have to admit sometimes it still feels lonely but not as often as it did. You will be OK. I miss the girls and sometimes it is everything I can do not to call him up and ask if I can pop round for a cup of tea or join them for dinner. Sometimes I still fail in holding myself back.

You will get there. At first, you will fill the void with GAL activities you don't want to do, or programmes on TV you don't want to watch, doing anything you can to keep the loneliness at bay, but eventually you will stop thinking of it as a void, and just think of it as your life. And it is a life worth living.

The other thing is the kids - I can't remember how old yours are, but they will suffer too. When they are with them they will feel your absence. When they are with you, they will feel hers. I am not sure if I have handled this bit as well as I could have, but I try and reassure them that I miss them but I am fine when they are away with their dad. I try and get them excited about seeing him (if I am excited, it gives them permission to be excited too). That last bit is hard. I hate them going to see their dad, but if I look sad, then they will either feel guilty about being excited, or feel sad about leaving me. Being a parent I guess is putting your feelings aside to protect theirs.

Pictures... I wasn't planning to keep my wedding album or pictures of me and her or our family but I think that's a little extreme. What if the boys grow up and wanted to see or share their history of mom and dad. What have you felt about that? I could keep them but not place them up. Between W and I, she has no attachments to items. No heirlooms or keepsakes. We never had a family album made. Everything is online. You know what, I've made my decision. I'm keeping some but not putting them up. Maybe storage. At first thought I was like naw, I'm not keeping nothing, but I've sat on it and am okay with this decision. We have a few pictures of us together when we were younger. The one that used to be on my desk sits in a drawer. I am not throwing it away. Even if I was to ever re-marry, I'd give them to the kids. It's for that reason only, I think. Feelings are hazy on this one, and its still new.

From someone who lost her temper and threw out every photo pre kids of my H and I (holidays we took together, nights out we had, our first ski trip, our wedding photos ... literally everything) I can say that with every fibre of my being I regret having thrown them out. Oh, I kept all the photos post children. But there is nothing of the four years we spent together before we had kids. There is nothing to show we were once desperately in love, Do not throw them out. Even if it hurts to look at them they are a part of you ... they made you who you are. Those pictures will someday remind you that you were young and foolish and in love. She loved you and you loved her. That is worth remembering.

[Ready2Change]

Glad you are OK.

I have my wedding album stored someplace. I figured it is part of my history. I am sure kids will like to see the photos at some point.

[Adam04]

I got my new car today. Kids like it, nothing fancy. Got it for reliability. That's one major thing off the list. The finance guy questioned my credit score though. Apparently when I was on the mortgage with the W and they ran my credit, that caused my credit to dip about 80 points or more pending on who you use for the score. That was a major shocker. Lucky W and I agreed to take me off early when we still had paperwork drawn. Few car payments and the guy said my score should shoot back up. I have no debt. I don't use credit cards. W has one with my name on it and I never use it. I can imagine some saying I should get that taken care of quickly. In due time. Who knows, I think W may have already cancelled the one I am on, if that's possible.

I caught myself talking about how good W is with finances to try and support reasons why I do or don't do stuff like its centered around her. Then I caught myself trying to offset this by saying something negative about her, as if I needed to balance what I said about her being good and bad.

Due to these circumstances with getting the new car, this is a setback on my move-out date. I hadn't communicated any of that with her so I like to think I have some freedom to decide in that department.

I'm catching myself talking about feelings as if they were resolute and never changing. If anything, as for understanding goes, I am understanding better that these feelings are not permanent and when I say I might do something because I have been feeling this way or that way for a long time, that could change the next minute or next day. Someone said it to be very early on in my posting that it may not be days, but weeks or months. I am understanding better. I am experiencing it and not just knowing of it intellectually.

My next thing tomorrow is to go over my list of what I need to discuss with the attorney. Check the car and make sure everything is okay with it. Then get a haircut, waiting 3 weeks gets it looking like a porcupine.

FS, I hear you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know no matter how good I think I'm feeling now, some of that is because I still have my children with me where I can reach out to them and kiss them or hug them or tell them I love them. I try not to think about the future because that causes feelings today, feelings that shouldn't be here. I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, I think the more I am subjected to something, over time I should get used to it and become numb to it. The other, I think I am kidding myself because some pain will never go away, and it's probably just best to avoid looking for that kind of pain at all cost. My kids are my weakness. I grew up without a father, I had a very bad, physically abusive step-father in my life for a short while but the things he was capable of doing to people and the hurt... anyways. Part of who I am is trying NOT to be that guy. I think when I talk about things, because I haven't shared my past, I see its easy to come up for me and it lingers inside of me. Then I think if I shared it out with the world, there is no longer a need to speak on it, its out alrdy. I don't know... maybe one day when I find it the right time, I'll find a suitable IC. I just don't think its best for right now... of course there's no merits to base that on, just my feeling.

I know I will spiral when I am alone, I just don't know how bad. I want to embrace it, I want to work out extra hard. I want to really do something alone. I don't want to run, I don't want to hide, dodge, have people around me while my mind is on the kids. That would do no good. The best way is through it as you've done. I should set aside some time to be alone and meditate. I've been at peace before. I hope to have strength for it, I really do.

My kids are S11 and S6. Both lefties like dad.

You said it best when you said being a parent is putting aside your feelings to protect theirs. I am on the fence when it comes to showing emotion. Because they're kids they don't understand so we do have to protect them, but when they get older, as you have said, you want to show them your true emotions to show them its okay to feel them. They are allowed to feel sad if mommy is sad. What we shouldn't do is project our hurt onto them to punish them or the other spouse. I think this gets mixed up with people. They send the poor kids as little messengers of pain between each other. So sad.

R2C, thanks... it was a scare, first time experiencing the car locking up like that and it was in heavy morning traffic too.

I assume W will throw the pictures away to help her cope with her new life.
I am going to tell her that I want to keep them but I don't want to explain why except that I can hold on to them for our kids when they get older.

[Adam04]

Just got back from the attorney's office.

Went overt the questions I had and my sitch.

She couldn't give details on costs unless I retained her. Will look to getting another consult set up soon with a different one for a second opinion.

Attorney agreed in my case if I am not living really close to W, then 50/50 is not a good solution. Attorney said its best if I could keep it amicable for the kids as some ppl have not been able to. I got a little choked up looking at the standard visitation calendar for 2019. I'll also be responsible for 25% custody if kids are living with mom in new house. When she asked me if I wanted full custody I said they'll be with mom, she's got the nice house in the nice neighborhood. I'll be in some apartments somewhere and I didn't want that for them. I'm okay with paying custody, I have no problem supporting my kids. Will be tight but will make do.

Moving out early has no impact on decision. I can move out any time I'm financially ready. No abandonment issues, most likely will be joint custody as both courts usually agree on that.

We did speak on infidelity, she also suggested not to press on the PI. Wouldn't matter unless I was trying to get a larger split of property. She said if I'm concerned about recon, during discovery, it will ask if I hired a PI.

She did say that even though I have a separate account, all assets and debts will be considered at discovery to split.
We spoke on the new house and she said if there is money that went towards it, W could buy me out as we dumped a lot into it to get it started.

it felt draining but I kept my composure. I saw the box of tissue on the table, made me wonder how many countless other people are in the same boat.

Explained issues with the commute to see if there was anything she could suggest. Didn't get a whole lot of feedback on options other than she agreed with the kids being stable. She also agreed to keep helping support pay bills and for the kids if I do separate and track it for later. Told her this was easy putting money from my account into the shared account.

And that was that.

There are two things that did come up between W and I.

One was when I drove the car with her and the kids in it to pick up the second car from the dealership. The car about 6 cars ahead of us wrecked and crashed into someone else. W wanted to detour and was starting to complain like a backset driver. I calmly told her it didn't matter If we waited to merge ahead, went this way or that, we'd still end up there. She kept bickering until I firmly said "I'm the driver."

The second thing was last night, I told W I was giving S6 a bath at 7:30. After he went to potty# 2, she ran his bath early and I asked her what she was doing, and she said since it was a potty, he'd want to be clean. Told her that's controlling. She said fine I'll give him a bath then. Told her thanks.

There isn't much interaction between W and I even if I am in the same room with her with my S6. We still have family dinners together at the table. I sometimes now initiate good morning very rarely. I don't want to be all chummy with her but I don't want to be cold either.

If there is OM contact? No idea. That wanting to know has faded.

There hasn't been recent GAL. This weekend I plan to throw stuff away in the house that's cluterring it up. W cleaned out the closet and had 10 large trash bags of stuff to be thrown away and donated. I did one sweep earlier. This is round two to prep for the upcoming sale.

A lot of this furniture is in good condition but I told her I didn't want any of it, not even the stuff from our MBR. It' the pride and I guess its symbolic of the old history between us. I don't want to carry that with me, but being practical, I could be saving a few grand for the kids when they come over to sleep. I was going to get an inflatable bed just for myself.

And No, I don't foresee anything with any woman anytime soon. It did make me think about if I dated and was to get serious, she'd need to be okay with 2 kids. I'd need to be okay with either a single person who would want kids or someone who has kids. I'm not rdy for more kids period. Can't do that to a single person nor double up with someone who has.

[Adam04]

25% custody should be child support. I have a brain fa2t.

[Adam04]

Yesterday, I got home from working out and had a few things on my mind from the lawyer meet.

W had to xfer me a considerable amount of cash someone gave her a check for so I didn't know when it cleared. I gave her my account # to make a transfer. I forgot at this time I could access the shared account. She used Zelle to xfer to my account and since it was new, she could only xfer a fixed amount. So seeing the check got deposited to the shared account, I told her I transferred the rest of the money to mine and then I also transferred back money for the month, to help with mortgage, bills, kids, etc. She laughed saying why didn't I just xfer a smaller amount to my account and leave what I was going to xfer to the shared. I told her it was to track. This was the start of what I felt like something I could have handled better.

From the convo with the lawyer, the lawyer said I should find out all my debts and my W debts, even the CC one. I took this as the time to speak to W about it saying how I wasn't financially ontop of it before and wanted to know. I need to know all my debts I was responsible for. W was under assumption if its her accumulation she is solely responsible. I told her this isn't true. After I checked online, I got the number and also checked how much was left on the loan for the house. She came to the study and asked why the sudden interest in the bills. I re-iterated I wasn't great at budgeting and because of the D, I had to realistically prepare. She asked me what I meant because she didn't think I would have any bills except the car note and place to stay. I told her I would be responsible for paying child support which she was shocked and said how did I know and if I spoke to a lawyer. Prior to this, we both did not know about the child support. I told her no I didn't speak to one, and she was about to cry saying she was kinda shocked and didn't want to be blindsided if I did and asked to let her know. I paused and said sure. I told her I spoke to a friend who went through D and if the kids were staying with her I'd be paying the child support which I reassured her I have no issues with but she never wanted it as she makes more. I felt bad for telling her and this is where I feel like I failed in the talk. I guess she went to google and said if we tell them we do 50/50 on paper then it would help me. I had mixed emotions, I knew she meant well, but I had to tell her my stance on that.

W said we could do 50/50 on paper so I wouldn't pay. She even said if we did 50/50 she's be paying me, and I told her I didn't want that and I don't want to shuffle the kids between us at this age. I want them in one home. I also told her that I get what she is trying to do for me, but I was not going to lie to get ahead and I have no issues paying to help take care of my boys. She said she didn't want to see me settle for a crappy place somewhere. I was quiet. She said maybe if we wrote in the decree that she didn't want the child support it would help. I told her I don't think that would work but we'll figure it out when we get to that point. I just need to know where we were financially because the situation with the car and how my credit score dipped because of the new house mortgage hit me by surprise and I didn't want to be surprised any more. She said she was surprised too and agreed. So it seemed like we agreed to handle our finances together. Somewhere though it turned to another conversation which I look back and I don't feel good about myself for having with her.

I don't remember the details of the convo but she said "I hope you don't get angry at me for this." I was walking to the room to put something up and came back. I paused on this, and then I said a couple things I think I should not have shared with her. I told her "I understand how you feel about this situation." I told her "I respect how you feel about this but I am angry." I am angry because I come home right now and spend every day with my boys and when we D, at most I'm going to spend 2 days or 3 out of a week. I told her I was angry at this ripping our family apart. I was telling her, not yelling or sad/emotional. She said I was welcomed any time to come over for the boys. I feel she is telling me the truth about this. Her brother would be living about 10 minutes away from her and she said she could sleep at his place and drive in to work with his wife. I told her we would have to see when we get to that point. In that conversation with her about being angry, I said I knew she went looking elsewhere and she tried to say no, but I saw in her face again the same face that couldn't lie well. I looked into her eyes and gave my half smile and shaking my head in the negative like I wasn't buying it and she stopped trying to convince me there was no one else.

Overall, I don't feel good about the whole thing. I do feel like there were some bits and pieces about the finances we should discuss. I thought I had a plan on the approach, but I wasn't too happy with the turn out. I was always trying to come from a place of strength. I don't want to blame her or make her feel guilty. I do strongly believe in that I want to love someone who loves me back and I will not stand in her way.

If I was to rethink the experience and if it hurt or helped towards my goal, I guess it depends on which goal that would be. To be unafraid , to keep my composure, not arguing or trying to win her back, to start this dialogue with her about the D, then it's a step forward for me. I wasn't tryin to rush it or use any of it as a bargaining chip. Also when it comes to child support, I wanted to let her know I have no issues with that. Growing up, I'm seen so many men have issues with this and where it became issues for them. I know many people who don't pay and its sad. That has a bearing on me. Then the lying, trying to get over. If anything, I showed myself I'm better than that. I'll be okay no matter what happens.

If there were more talks about the kids and my place, it would be minus the feelings about us or anything having to do with her and OM period. I didn't like this part.

Sharing so please let me know how this all looks. I meant well, but sometimes I am blinded by the moment and don't see how it appears. We're amicable still at the moment, and I always want to show I am coming from a place of strength.

So tonight when I got home, I was playing games with S6 in the living room, fed him, gave him a bath, watched a couple videos with him until time for sleep. One time, she placed her feet in my lap. Yup, first temp check I've had in a while. She said it was cold. I placed my hand on her foot, tapped it and scooched it into a blanket and continued to play with my S6. She showed me like 6 IG memes. I laughed at some with her. It was nice for the moment, but that's all it was. She's been comfortable because of no pursuit. I know not to mistaken this for anything else.

Oh and the last couple of days, because of my keto dieting, I've had severe lower abdominal pain. Think I need to change up my diet to include more.... FIBER. ugh. talk about the worst feeling. Now I'm taking a few days from anything extreme like exercising. If this feeling doesn't get better I'm going to the ER. Heard of diverticulitis. Think this may be it so will include fiber and hope that gets rid of this pain. I read it also can flare up from stress. I've been holding it in thinking I'm the tough guy and tough guys don't cry or show emotion. Maybe this donkey punch is someone's way of telling me something. Even keel, balanced.