Read, research, learn. I've been married nearly 18 years.....never did much of this until BD. Understand the psychology of what is happening. Makes it a little easier to digest and to start working on yourself.
I know we make it sound so easy but we walked in your exact shoes. It looks hopeless, but I promise you, make the changes to yourself, for you. Physically, emotionally, and you be happy again....it takes time.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
[censored]...I haven't thought about myself in 20 years. I'm clearly attached in a bad way to this relationship.
I just don't know what it's like to detach..this is going to take some practice.
For example, she asked me to help her find a job today (because I big professional network). Is she out of her mind? My reply was, "I can ask around" [palm to face]
jeepdog, my W asked me for help with her resume. She was a SAHM for 14 years. I was very accommodating. The undercurrent was "if she gets a job she is out of here". Again, I can't control that. I gave her full support in updating her resume, buying her any books or courses on interviewing, etc. She still had to do all the work but I would support the effort.
My support and help suddenly had her second guessing her decision. Again, she expects you to try to stonewall her. You being open to help and support her will surprise her. Don't do the work FOR her. But be supportive and helpful. jeep, this is all counter-intuitive, but usually your first reaction is not the right one. Always take it slow. RESPOND, don't REACT.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As far as being in the house: Immerse yourself in to your kids bubble. Stay out of wife bubble. Let wife come into your bubble. Stay in the master bedroom. Make it manly. New manlyy bedding and manly pictures.
I reversed on a lot of bad behavior. Here they were:
- Overly critical of her housekeeping - Very short-tempered, when she tried to get my attention I would let it be known she was interrupting me - Very impatient with her, my D, stranger in the car in front of me, etc. - Very withdrawn in my own world, watched TV a lot by myself in MBR (W and D were in livingroom) - Came to dinner, prayed for thanksgiving, ate as fast as I could, went right back into MBR 0r - Came to dinner, prayed for thanksgiving, took food into MBR and ate by myself - Nicer to strangers and acquaintances than to her - Made cutting jokes about her around friends and family - Criticized everything she did. How she drove, how much toothpaste she put on her toothbrush, etc. - Left all household duties to her (taking care of dogs, laundry, picking up the counter, etc) (I did some things but never helped her with some of the things.) - Scrutinized every penny she spent
I am sure the list is longer. That list is shameful. I am surprised I was able to get her to stay eventually. But I 180'd on it all. I got into C to cement these changes. I read voraciously about marriage saving, and self-improvement.
It is a year on and I have not engaged in any of these behavior since BD. IN fact, I have done just the opposite of those:
- No longer criticize her housekeeping, and express gratitude to her when she does things around the house - I happily, and upbeatedly give her my full attention whenever she gets my attention - I am patient with her and D. And I have been much more patient in general. - I do not isolate myself. I spend a lot of time with W watching shows she likes. Conversing with her. Laughing and joking with her! (Do not underestimate that last part!! She has commented how much more fun I am to be with due to the laughing and cutting up.) - I eat dinner with them by sitting at table, conversing, sharing how my day was, asking about theirs. being fully engaged with them. I eat slower. I sit and talk even after I am finished. I help clean up the table. - I am sweet and nice to her. I adore her and realize she is the most important person in my life! I treat her like the queen I always should have. I love doing things for her and jump the minute she asks for a favor or help. - I brag about her to others, both when she isn't around and when she is. I never say anything derogatory even jokingly to her or about her. I compliment her both publicly and privately. - I never criticize her. I realize now that I am not always right and everyone (especially her) else is not always wrong if they do things differently. I realize that she is more important than getting to a place in the optimal path, or that we go through a tube of toothpaste in a week. She is my queen, and I treat her as such! - I help with household duties. I clean up after meals, help take care of the dogs and cat, I try to do as much as she does, and do it happily and without grudge! (ANOTHER 180!!) - I let her use her own judgement on spending. I no longer nitpick every penny she spends. I even limit my own spending so that she can spend more.
Marriage is about sacrifice! And once you realize how appreciated these things are it no longer feels likes sacrifice! I do these things now because I love her and I WANT to do them!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So, I have three kids. I can't simply not be there when my WW is there. What are practical ways to detach while your wife is still in the house and you have little ones around?
Why not? I think it is perfectly reasonable to set a schedule of who is in charge of the kids on which night. If you get a divorce, it isnt like you are both going to be doing bedtime every night...so why not start getting accustomed to a schedule of one person being ":in charge" on certain nights. And, you certainly should be able to go out once they are in bed certain nights.
Wow. Great changes Steve. That last list is what I would have killed for in my H. And let me guess... your 180s have led to big changes in her as well. It really is a two-way street. So happy for you and your W that you were able to recognize this and do the work to save your marriage and your family. You truly have become AMOAFWL.
