My wife of nearly 18 years and mother of my 3 children had an affair outside of the marriage. She is 41 and the lowlife she cheated on me with is a minimum-wage worker, nearly 13 years her junior.
There was no surprise on my part, as I've seen her pulling away from the marriage pretty aggressively over the past 2 months. About three weeks ago, she declared, "I love you, but..." She said I was firmly in the friend zone. We went to counseling where she admitted to having an emotional interest in someone at her work. It was only a few days after when I pushed on the issue and she admitted that, "she did something dumb."
After the bomb was dropped on me, I was advised by our marriage counselor to take the kids (three boys B10, B8, B6) out of town on a guys trip so Mommy could "think." As soon as I left the house w/ the kids, she went right over to the OM's house.
I went scorched earth from here and did everything that Michelle's books say not to do. I called her mother imploring her to help (she didn't...suprise). I called her closest friends and asked for help and I even confronted the OM.
The scorched earth approach made her conclude that I was, "unstable." I realize her gaslighting attempts are strong, but I do feel guilt for having done that.
After the incident, she has been adamant about legal separation. She has been very vocal in her disgust towards me and is doing everything she can to get me agree to go to a mediator. I have not done anything to date.
I contacted a lawyer and he says that I'm in no hurry to do anything. If she wants to present me with a separation agreement and it's favorable, I can sign it. My delaying the conversation w/ the mediator has made my wife claim that I'm delaying and blocking her.
We are currently living together, but separately. She says we are "separated" and has stopped doing my laundry (surprise, I did all my laundry and hers before).
I love and miss my wife. The person she has been over the past two months is not consistent w/ who she was over the first 18 years of our relationship. I want to keep it together, but am having trouble. She clearly wants out. I don't want to do a separation agreement. We are meeting w/ our pastor today. She has made it clear that she is "100% done" with this relationship and that I shouldn't try to manipulate her into staying.
Any thoughts? How did I get here and what do I do next? We have three children and I will not leave them...She wants $$$ so she can get a apartment and get away from me as fast as possible...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am really sorry you are here. You are in the right place. Read every single link posted and read as many situations as you can. Its time to focus on yourself. Detach, 180 and GAL like a mad man. You will survive this. It hurts, but you will get better.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
She is 41 and the lowlife she cheated on me with is a minimum-wage worker, nearly 13 years her junior.
This is quite typical, they almost always "affair down". I think it's a case of grabbing for low-hanging fruit. Plus if they affair beneath them, typically the OP worships them and gives them all the focus and attention they haven't been getting in the M.
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After the bomb was dropped on me, I was advised by our marriage counselor to take the kids (three boys B10, B8, B6) out of town on a guys trip so Mommy could "think." As soon as I left the house w/ the kids, she went right over to the OM's house.
First, that's a crappy MC. Second, stop the MC if you haven't already. She's too far gone for that, it'll only make things worse.
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I went scorched earth from here
Actually you did the opposite. Scorched earth would have been telling her you are done with her sorry, adulterous behavior that is an insult to you and the boys, and kicking her out and cutting all contact with her family. What you did was the polar opposite of scorched earth, you went all desperate and needy begging everyone you could for help and asking for intervention. This just makes you look even more unappealing, so no more of that.
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After the incident, she has been adamant about legal separation. She has been very vocal in her disgust towards me and is doing everything she can to get me agree to go to a mediator. I have not done anything to date.
Here's the thing, she's in love with a fantasy right now. She thinks if she can get away from you she will ride off into the sunset through a field of daisies with OM on his white steed. The fantasy she's in love with will never happen, but she's got to find that out for herself. In the meantime the DB'ing attitude is don't push the S or D through yourself, but don't do anything to interfere with it. If she's taking care of it and needs something from you then give it to her. You can't stop S or D, it only takes one person.
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If she wants to present me with a separation agreement and it's favorable, I can sign it.
Yes exactly. But let her do all the heavy lifting. Often if you can remove all pressure by stopping all R talks then they'll suddenly quit pushing for S or D, it'll go on the back burner. So that's your focus, just pulling back, removing pressure and leaving her alone.
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I love and miss my wife. The person she has been over the past two months is not consistent w/ who she was over the first 18 years of our relationship.
Right, she's not the same person. She won't be for a long time, if ever. She's got to hit rock bottom first and that will take months if not a year or more.
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I want to keep it together, but am having trouble. She clearly wants out. I don't want to do a separation agreement.
Well that's probably inevitable, but your best chance against it is to STOP the pressure.
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We are meeting w/ our pastor today.
That is EXACTLY the kind of pressure I'm talking about. STOP.
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She has made it clear that she is "100% done" with this relationship and that I shouldn't try to manipulate her into staying.
Yup, that's her mindset right now. It might change down the road but this is a marathon, not a sprint.
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How did I get here and what do I do next?
How you got here is something you need to explore. Think about what you did wrong. Do 180's on those things. What you do next is read, read, read. Read DR over and over. Read Sandi's rules every day. Read every book you see recommended here (a good companion to DR is No More Mister Nice Guy). Read all of Cadet's links. Listen to the advice you get here and implement it. It will seem "wrong" to you because it's counter-intuitive, but it's what works. Pull back and leave her alone. Don't be cold and indifferent, "lovingly" detach. Work on bettering yourself. Focus your life on you and the boys.
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She wants $$$ so she can get a apartment and get away from me as fast as possible...
Not your problem. You said you talked to a L, GOOD. Make moves to protect yourself financially right away. DO NOT give your W money, you cannot win her back by placating her. If she is living at home and her basics are being provided for, then legally you are under no obligation to give her anything. DO NOT try to "nice" her back. Don't try to "mean" her back either. You need to be fed up and done with her antics because "tough love" is the only approach that works with a wayward wife.
Look up TXHubby's threads, he had a wayward on his hands just like you do. He tried to placate her for years and all it did was practically kill him. It wasn't until he got disgusted with her and wanted her out of his life that she finally hit rock bottom and begged him to take her back. Here's a synopsis of what he did, but do go back and read his threads from the beginning as you will find it very familiar I think:
After the incident, she has been adamant about legal separation.
Don't help her, don't hinder her on the separation.
Originally Posted by jeepdog
She has been very vocal in her disgust towards me
That's rich. How dare you get pissed at her. But what's truly disgusting is cheating on your spouse. You just want her back so bad that you aren't able to see this like outsiders can.
Originally Posted by jeepdog
I love and miss my wife.
She's gone.
Originally Posted by jeepdog
We are meeting w/ our pastor today. She has made it clear that she is "100% done" with this relationship and that I shouldn't try to manipulate her into staying.
I'm guessing the meeting with the pastor is your idea? Stop doing these types of things. She's right, it is manipulation. She's not going to see the proverbial light with you in her face trying to talk her back into the relationship. She's living in an emotional world.
If she wants money for an apartment, she surely has the ability to use her own money or get a job. Talk to you lawyer about this.
You got here slowly and steadily. You'll learn more about that. It will take time to get out so calm down and get to work. Read all those links, read other threads, post in your thread. There's as much help and support here as you can ask for, so use it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My wife of nearly 18 years and mother of my 3 children had an affair outside of the marriage. She is 41 and the lowlife she cheated on me with is a minimum-wage worker, nearly 13 years her junior.
There was no surprise on my part, as I've seen her pulling away from the marriage pretty aggressively over the past 2 months. About three weeks ago, she declared, "I love you, but..." She said I was firmly in the friend zone. We went to counseling where she admitted to having an emotional interest in someone at her work. It was only a few days after when I pushed on the issue and she admitted that, "she did something dumb."
After the bomb was dropped on me, I was advised by our marriage counselor to take the kids (three boys B10, B8, B6) out of town on a guys trip so Mommy could "think." As soon as I left the house w/ the kids, she went right over to the OM's house.
I went scorched earth from here and did everything that Michelle's books say not to do. I called her mother imploring her to help (she didn't...suprise). I called her closest friends and asked for help and I even confronted the OM.
The scorched earth approach made her conclude that I was, "unstable." I realize her gaslighting attempts are strong, but I do feel guilt for having done that.
After the incident, she has been adamant about legal separation. She has been very vocal in her disgust towards me and is doing everything she can to get me agree to go to a mediator. I have not done anything to date.
I contacted a lawyer and he says that I'm in no hurry to do anything. If she wants to present me with a separation agreement and it's favorable, I can sign it. My delaying the conversation w/ the mediator has made my wife claim that I'm delaying and blocking her.
We are currently living together, but separately. She says we are "separated" and has stopped doing my laundry (surprise, I did all my laundry and hers before).
I love and miss my wife. The person she has been over the past two months is not consistent w/ who she was over the first 18 years of our relationship. I want to keep it together, but am having trouble. She clearly wants out. I don't want to do a separation agreement. We are meeting w/ our pastor today. She has made it clear that she is "100% done" with this relationship and that I shouldn't try to manipulate her into staying.
Any thoughts? How did I get here and what do I do next? We have three children and I will not leave them...She wants $$$ so she can get a apartment and get away from me as fast as possible...
jeepdog, sorry you are here man. We've all been there in various forms, and degrees. My main advice is to take a step back and breathe.......For 2 months you've been in manic, I am going to do whatever I have to do to save my marriage. We've all been there too. Looking for that magic bullet.
The problem that you are now painfully aware of is that saving your marriage is not something that YOU can do. Pressure and pursuit never works and in fact accelerate the WAWs actions to leave. Scorched earth is what they expect. Doing the opposite of what they expect will make them take pause, and wonder if what they are doing is the right. The opposite is to back off, give them space.
Jeep you made lots of mistakes. None of them helped you though they SEEMED like a good action to take. Calling her mom and friends just amps up the pressure. Contacting OM is always a terrible idea. It now makes it the two of them in cahoots against you. OM isn't your problem. Never was. Never will be. If she left him today, if the underlying issues she is dealing with (whatever they are) aren't addressed, then it will just morph into OM2, OM3, or OM4.
EVen when you gave her space (taking the kids for the weekend) you immediately kept tabs on her. Space is more than physical. It is also mental and emotional. You can be physically miles apart and she can still feel pressure and pursuit from you.
Pressure and pursuit are the enemies of where you are trying to get to. Read the pursuit-distance thread. It is a real dynamic when dealing with WAWs and WWs. The more you try to change their mind the more they will dig in their heels. When you distance yourself suddenly she will wonder what is going on. This takes more than just a weekend away. It takes time showing her that you have backed off physcially, mentally, and emotionally. When you are no longer asking where she was, quizzing her on who she is texting, etc. Suddenly she will get freaked out by the space. We all saw our WAWs suddenly checking in "I am at the store." "Sorry I was 1/2 hour late, I had to run by the pharmacy to get my prescription." Then they really get freaked out when you show that you don't care. YOu don't do this in a mean way but a nonchalant, "Oh...ok." way.
Here is the good news. It is NEVER too late to change this. Yes you can't unconfront OM, or untell her mom and friends. But 180 on that. DOn't tell another soul what is going on. (this includes the pastor, more on that in a minute). 180 on all pressure and pursuit. Back off. Let her have the space she asked for. Detach and GAL. Stay busy. Take the kids to the indoor playground.
This is about you focusing on you and her focusing on her. If you want any chance of reconciling you will no longer try to control her. You get control of just one human on this ball of carbon.....and that human is you. The more you try to control her, the more she will rebel against that control. Your W is now the most selfish being in the world. She is thinking of herself and herself only. You can't change that and any attempts to will make her even more selfish.
That is why the talk with the pastor is a horrible idea. More than likely he will say the things you want him to say. Adultery is a sin. God hates divorce. ETc. It will not be what she wants to hear. Anything and anyone that tells her what she is doing is wrong she will cut out of her life. That is why she wants to be S from you, because you remind her of her sin. This is why you need to completely back away. Treat her like an acquaintance. Do not initiate conversation unless it is about the kids and can't wait. When she starts one you listen, be present and pleased, and validate her feelings. Read the validation thread. DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO A BACK AND FORTH. Feel free to say things like "I have a lot to consider, and I need more time to sort it all out." Don't feel pressure to give her answers.
It also helps to tell her "I am morally and ethically opposed to D. However, I can't stop you from leaving and filing for D. But I won't help you do that. So as far as that goes you are on your own. I will participate in what I need to, mediation, court appearances, etc, but the work is all on you."
Jeep, you got this. Make the changes that work. Stop doing what doesn't work and hurts your cause.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
jeepdog....we have gone through the exact same scenario as you and your reactions are very difficult to control but you have to read the links, understand what your reactions do to making the situation worse.
Follow the guidelines, read and post here often and start db'ing....it works. We were all a wreck in the beginning but the journey is about rediscovering your self worth and breaking from the codependency. I was right there, afraid, horrified to be alone....disgusted that I made my WW do this. BS! I am now almost 9 months in and although still not D'ed understand that I can stand alone and support my kids and myself if she wants to move on.
Make her do the work. I told my WW send me a draft of the separation agreement and I will have someone look at it. That was back in May when she told me how it was going to go down....I still haven't seen one. Watch your finances, I know my impulse was to make purchases...it was actually an outlet along with some gambling.
Take a look at yourself, what are some things you want to change physically? Have you always wanted to get back in shape? Wanted to update your wardrobe? Do some things that W never wanted to do? Now you have the time.
Stay engaged with your kids, try to keep them out of it. I made that mistake and am sorry for it but do your best.
IT WILL GET BETTER! Either way, I know it [censored] right now but if you be your best you, she will be a fool to leave and like a few here you might even realize that you might not want her back.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
So, I have three kids. I can't simply not be there when my WW is there. What are practical ways to detach while your wife is still in the house and you have little ones around?
I completely agree that I've messed up the beginning. I had promised going to mediation on the 13th. Is my move to do as little as possible to help w/ that?
Read the detachment thread. Detachment is not being absent, it is about not allowing her words and actions to affect you emotionally.
Show up at mediation. But consult your L before and after. Do not make an agreement unless you are comfortable with it. Make her schedule it and do all the legwork, you just show up at the appointed time. Be sure to let the mediator know you are against the D too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
