The old Steve sounds so much like my current ex (we're still working on things, but I don't know what I consider him now), I wish he could some how figure out and make he changes you have. I talked about this with my IC and she said I can't fix him, blah!
Ok, it's been a quiet week. I have done a good job of detaching and the wife is starting to text me w/ nice words (a huge step forward). However, she had a few weeks ago asked our financial planners to start preparing paperwork for a separation. The thread had gone dark w/ the planner, but this morning the planner got back to us w/ a question, "When did the separation take effect." My wife emailed me and asked what I'd be comfortable saying. My honest answer is 'never.' But, I don't want to come across as keeping her hostage in this relationship. Any advice?
What kind of financial separation are you meeting with this planner for? I mean, if it saves you a lot of money, maybe it's better to say that youre comfortable with as far back as BD or something to that effect. If this were a business deal, what would you advise YOU to say?
Lots of people will advise you to do nothing to help her along in the process and this is fine for dragging things out and that lets situations calm down and helps you adjust.
Just dont do the absolute worst thing you can do and try to placate her in the divorce in the hopes that being nice to her will make her come back. This is the first instinct of 90% of the men I encounter in this situation. It might be hard to understand right now, but the worst thing that can happen to you is not getting divorced, the worst thing that can happen is getting screwed in a divorce, being an every other weekend dad and funding her dating life for the next 15 years.
I would suggest you go to mediation armed with the best agreement you think you can possibly get. It is worth paying a 2 hour consult with a lawyer or two to work out all of the details and have workable, enforceable, and defensible separation, financial and parenting plans before you mediate. Your WW sounds like she is in limerance mode with OM and when this is the case they will usually give up everything for some cash and a quick escape. If you get there and she takes the deal, the strike when the iron is hot and do it. But if not, that is when you can slow things down.
In my experience at least, after a few years the guys that got out of a divorce with strong custody rights and intact finances are, to a man, vastly happier and would never go back. This is not the case for the guys that did and gave up everything they could to hang on.
Lots of people will advise you to do nothing to help her along in the process and this is fine for dragging things out and that lets situations calm down and helps you adjust.
Just dont do the absolute worst thing you can do and try to placate her in the divorce in the hopes that being nice to her will make her come back. This is the first instinct of 90% of the men I encounter in this situation. It might be hard to understand right now, but the worst thing that can happen to you is not getting divorced, the worst thing that can happen is getting screwed in a divorce, being an every other weekend dad and funding her dating life for the next 15 years.
I would suggest you go to mediation armed with the best agreement you think you can possibly get. It is worth paying a 2 hour consult with a lawyer or two to work out all of the details and have workable, enforceable, and defensible separation, financial and parenting plans before you mediate. Your WW sounds like she is in limerance mode with OM and when this is the case they will usually give up everything for some cash and a quick escape. If you get there and she takes the deal, the strike when the iron is hot and do it. But if not, that is when you can slow things down.
In my experience at least, after a few years the guys that got out of a divorce with strong custody rights and intact finances are, to a man, vastly happier and would never go back. This is not the case for the guys that did and gave up everything they could to hang on.
Just to add to this, while in general I agree, I would not approach it as a "I am gonna get mine" attitude. Fairness. What is right. 50/50 split of all assets and debt. 50/50 custody. Etc.
My WW was wanting to just walkaway from the house, from our money. I think it was to ease her conscience. She was even willing to give up custody so our daughter "could live in her home".
I eventually told her we were splitting everything 50/50. Selling the house, splitting the equity. Etc. Fair. Not a "I am out to screw you before you can screw me" attitude. It is the best of both worlds. You get a fair agreement. She still sees you as being nice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
