Steve85. That list is exactly what I'm looking for and more in changes for myself and implementing them. that last list of accolades sounds like through sacrifice and Husbandly Leadership My biggest question though is the transition. That's the part that I'm not understanding. If I'm currently going through an in-house separation where we are dividing everything, from rooms, to space, to finances and schedules, only discussing necessities, and things are kind of isolated to ourselves individually, which in current reality has just become a more closed of more of the same behavior.
what I'm trying to say here is in my household when we would have dinner I would always try to eat at the table with the wife and son, but it would rarely happen because she always had her stuff parked all over the table. she would always eat at the couch play games on her phone and watch reality tv as I'm sure you know my story already. I would always be stuck doing the dishes all the time at 2 in the morning before I would go to work, and she was ever clean up after herself. Of course this led me to be being overly critical of her. she's doing a lot of research about moving to another state and start another life without me.
What I am specifically asking for is, what are some ways that we all here can go about creating opportunities of being at least a better father and a leading example of what a good husband should be and an example of leadership should be in front of their wife when all they want is their space and their escape and exit? How can we go about creating these opportunities without pursuing? I don't mean to hijack jeepdog's post. but I think if you can explain the transition process it would probably be helpful and beneficial to all of us on here. Great post by the way. Jeepdog, I wish you luck in making those changes into a newer better version of yourself.
My Ww is crying everyday. She is recognizing her impulse control issues and says that she needs to be by herself to get better. She is anxious about the future and is pushing me to meet with a mediator to work towards legal separation — which I reluctantly agreed to. I’m not ready for this. I am recognizing that I am co dependent and agreed only to pacify her. Is it wrong to say no? I hate going back on my word, but I need time to figure out what I want.
What do you mean time to figure out what you want? Do u mean what to ask for legally? I would definitly consult with an attorney independently to know what is reasonable to ask for before you mediate.
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you've reached the 100 posting/reply limit. You can change your subject line within your thread at any time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Detachment had consisted largely of me avoiding her in the house and being very short on conversations. GAL was tougher when we were together. I’m focusing on church and physical fitness while I’m away from her. I’m going to go dark on communication for a bit. The wounds are too big right now that every conversation devolves into a tif. Re 180, the thing I keep saying over and over is, “don’t believe anything she says.” It’s easier said than done! Depression has been real. It [censored] that we are living separate, but this is the best i’ve Felt in weeks. Make sense?
My Ww is crying everyday. She is recognizing her impulse control issues and says that she needs to be by herself to get better. She is anxious about the future and is pushing me to meet with a mediator to work towards legal separation — which I reluctantly agreed to. I’m not ready for this. I am recognizing that I am co dependent and agreed only to pacify her. Is it wrong to say no? I hate going back on my word, but I need time to figure out what I want.
You can't stop the process, it only takes one person to pursue S and D. So yes you did the right thing. The DB approach is not to initiate yourself or do any of the work, but if she is doing the work and asks for something then provide it, don't try to interfere with the process. It's OK to tell her something like "this is not what I want, I would rather we work on the marriage, but I understand it is what you want and I'm not going to do anything to stop it, I will cooperate as needed."
On a side note it always blows my mind when a WAW says she's confused and needs time to sort things out but then in the next breath says she's ready for S and D. One would think that they would understand they should not rush into S/D if they know they are confused and need to sort things out.
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It [censored] that we are living separate, but this is the best i’ve Felt in weeks. Make sense?
Yes that's usually how it goes. The LBS needs time and space as much as the WAS, they usually just don't realize it until S.
Detachment had consisted largely of me avoiding her in the house and being very short on conversations.
Have you read the threads on detachment?
The point isnt just to physically 'avoid' seeing or talking to her. The point is to better control yourself and your emotions and your reactions. So you can avoid getting "into a tiff" every time you talk. Its about staying cool, calm and collected when shes raging or spewing or sobbing or whatever. Its about being stable and in control of what you can control. You could go dark for years, but if youre still feeling your heart hurt every time a song comes on the radio or you hear her name or you get super excited everytime she emails you.....thats not really detachment.
Originally Posted by jeepdog
Re 180, the thing I keep saying over and over is, “don’t believe anything she says.” It’s easier said than done!
So what are you doing to 180? What are you working on in your personality/behavior?
If your W wanted to restart the marriage, how would the new version be different? what are you working on to portray that?
Update. We did a temporary separation that I ended last night. The idea of the separation was to give some time to cool off while we worked on our relationship. I agreed that in 90 days if we didn't figure out R, we'd work on a formal separation agreement and division of assets.
In the two weeks apart, my ww has refused to go to therapy and is apparently using the time away to keep up her dating life w/ the OM. Also found out that she booked a trip for May (after the 90 days) to a resort in FL (assuming a celebratory getaway w/ her OM).
I said enough last night and moved back into my house. She's not happy. I calmly let her know that I won't be leaving the house any longer. Again, she's upset.
She has shown erratic behavior. The family doctor was actually contacted by concerned members of the community on her behavior (unprovoked from me). Besides the odd behavior, she got "vomit" drunk on Thursday while watching the kids. I had to come by and take care of her. She is a bit of a mess, but I don't think she has hit rock bottom yet.
She is saying she hates me (Don't believe a word she says and only 50% of what you see). I'm biting my lip and trying to be a lighthouse in stormy waters.
I believe I did the right thing in moving back into the house. I'm not going to let her have her cake and eat it too. Now that I'm back in the house, she is pushing to get a lawyer involved. I'm calmly replied to this claim with, "Ok, if you draft something, I'll take a look."
She has an option to leave the house that she is unwilling to take. She says the words "abandonment" and "not giving you custody" of the kids despite the fact that I've never mentioned either of these things.
I read the 180 list 2x a day. I generally grade in the 85 - 100% range each day. I'm focused these days on GAL (Lots of gym time, starting piano lessons, meeting up w/ friends, reading a lot of scripture, etc).
Besides all of this, I'm clearly still attached to her. While I fake it, I still get excited when I see a text or an email come in from her (99% of these emails are mean in nature...not sure why I'm excited).
I'm sad that she's still seeing the OM, but there's little I can do about that.
