Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[FlySolo]

Hi Adam - I wanted to say re your early post about my response making you doubt yourself. That was never my intention. I just wanted you to question your motivations. All the advice here, whether it be from a newbie like me or from the vets, will be flavoured by our own experience.

Whilst the sign posts in many of our sitch's are the same (BD, EA/PA, rewriting history, treating us like we are sub human etc) its the finer details that make each sitch, and therefore, each experience slightly different. My H did not have an affair. He is, in his own way, trying to do the right thing (though the right thing for me and the right thing for him are worlds apart). I know that he loves his kids - so I known that his motivations will be to try and do the best thing for them. He will throw in some self serving rationality in determining "what's best for them" but overall, the children will be at the forefront of any decision he makes. I am a person who, most of the time, try and understand other peoples motivations and try and apply compassion before making decisions.

So, my experience and therefore advice, will be slightly different.

Listen to everyone's point of view. You will know the words that resonate with you because only you know your truth. Only you know what the right thing to do is.

Good luck. I maintain that your W, under the fog, is someone who wants to do the right thing. Like my H, the right thing for her will have some self serving rationality applied to it, and will in parts, be miles away from being right thing for you. But, together, as long as the children remain your focus, you will find the right balance.

That doesn't mean I don't think you both need independent advice. You absolutely do.

[Adam04]

Hi FS,

Sorry, didn't mean it that way. There was always doubt and uncertainty regarding any time away from my kids. Your post didn't cause any of those emotions. What reading your post did was bring those emotions to the surface. I'm glad too because, honestly, I have to deal with them. And the sooner, the better.

You come from a good place, and you meant well. There is no harm taken. I know your purpose, and I value that.

I am grateful to get everyone's perspective. I also have to deal with my fears and emotions as they come, and sometimes they do come out when reading other people's posts.

It would be wise for me to listen to all advice and support given. I should have expressed myself more clearly. There were doubts of course, but that is either way, if she has full custody or 50%. We're not giving our children 100% of our time together and that's a reality I have to deal with.

I really don't see a problem either. It's going to be a matter of sleeping early, waking up extra early, dropping them off wherever they need to be dropped off, getting to work on time and picking them up on time. I can make the calls if I need to feel "Safe" in my decision soon or I can wait. I know there are options. I know I can handle it.

I believe W means well, but if in 2-3 years her new BF or H tells her he doesn't want me over her house every day with the kids and I had agreed to a standard visitation, I'd be stuck out. This way I am protecting myself.

[DejaVu6]

We're not giving our children 100% of our time together and that's a reality I have to deal with.

This is the hardest part of all of this. I miss my kids when they aren’t home. When they are home and they do or say something funny or heartwarming, I feel bad that my H isn’t there to share in it. They are only young for such a short period of time, it is crazy to me that he would give that up so willingly. And even more crazy that he would think 50% of the time with each parent is good enough. He actually told his mom it would be good for them. Delusional.

(((Adam)))

[NicoleR]

HI Adam, it's hard to jump in without reading your whole thread but I know how hard it is to find a compromise that protects your kids and gives them the best possible outcome possible when you can only control so much. It's really great that you're willing to try mediation and you're working through this extraordinarily difficult situation. The fact that you're eating better is a good sign. Somehow you'll get through this.

[MoveFrwd]

It'll mean also moving closer to where they are moving to and Also staying in this house until the move.

For what it's worth, my ex is about 30 minutes away from me, but I only have to drop them off at her place once a week. The school is kind of in the middle of our places so we can pick up and/or dropoff there without any big issue. Think about what makes sense in the long term as you dont want to move if she decides to move again in the future.

[Adam04]

Thank you for the support and comments everyone.

When they are home and they do or say something funny or heartwarming, I feel bad that my H isn’t there to share in it. They are only young for such a short period of time, it is crazy to me that he would give that up so willingly

DV, the other day S6 and I went to pick up some food (I know, I am so bad at preparing cooked meals for the kids) and when I got home, he was ready to throw me out the car to rush to the table and eat. He said "Hurry up dad, I'm so hangry." Not knowing I already knew what it meant, he tried to explain it which made me laugh even more. The first thing I wanted to do was text W, then there was a little sadness in all of that, and I let it dissipate. I eventually shared the story when she was telling me something he did to make her laugh. We still have our small moments like that when it comes to the kids.

Nic, thank you for the support. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I've been happy before with way less. I am still blessed to be alive with everyone in good health, and the kids will always have two parents who love them. If D is down the road, I will be respectful and look out for our best financial interests.

MoveFrwd, that's good to know. There will be some planning and preparing. Some of it will be ahead of time and the rest will be when it happens. I'll have to jot down specifics when it comes closer to the timeframe to see what really works for me. The place I was looking at is closer to the highway going into work. I'll be driving out to drop S11 at his middle school and driving out farther pass W house to drop the little one off at his elementary. I'm looking at possible 30 minutes there and will see how that plays out. That could turn into an hour before sitting in two hour traffic. W has said she was going to have her mother help her with dropping the kids off at school or bus stop.

What are your thoughts on the summers if W mom is living with her and W says its okay for her mother to watch the kids the whole summer opposed of me putting them into a summer program every other week? The boys would prefer to stay at home and not be in daycare as they have expressed this past summer. This summer coming up will be a test of how this all works out. W has stated her mother was going to watch them the whole summer and would be there for me too, but we didn't discuss what that looks like with the 50/50 split and she didn't run it by her mom either.

(I'm inclined if they offer in the best interest of the boys to accept, but I am not relying on it. I can prepare to have a backup plan and reserve two spots for the kids in the summer program)

I think R2C said this, something about the parent who gets the children during that time is the one who picks them up.

[NicoleR]

Adam, I admire your positive attitude and your rational way of thinking. There is a lot to arrange and sort out but I do imagine if you get through the divorce process you'll feel relief when the framework is all in place.

[Adam04]

Thanks Nicole, some days the positivity feels real and others, it feels like I have to fake it until I make it.

There were a couple of instances I remembered I could have acted really badly like passive aggressive and I stopped myself(one had to deal with her work calling and I wasn't sure if she could have been speaking or texting OM). I let it pass. From the phone conversation and what she was saying, it was all business trying to fix an issue. I can't let my emotions flare up. I was in the study when she was in the other room talking.

I don't talk to her about my feelings or what I'm learning here. However the other night I did mention something I saw from here. When a tv show Big Bang Theory came on with us getting done eating and watching tv, something happened on the show and I commented, "I think that is affairing down." It was in response to W making a comment about what happened in the show between two people. (don't want to give spoilers) I was going to stop myself from saying it for a split second and then I thought about my intention.

I have good and bad moments in trying to control my emotions. Some nights I wanted to say some pretty foul things in her direction and I ended up laughing at myself for being petty and too caught up in the emotions.

Very close to 6 months from BD and it's helped she is not playing games with me. I remember one time when I was still going to look at the new house with her, she said it was our house and alluded to us living together but made no comment about what happened . I took the lead to let her know its not our house. I know what I want and deserve.

There was a small period when she tried to see if I would take the bait of saying I would move in with them with no change to our relationship.

I'm glad I got over the initial anger. There was a time I wasn't sure what I would do, but like tonight, we had dinner with our sons and she initiated some small talk. I was polite in answering and kept it short. W can laugh and joke around. Sometimes I'd reciprocate a joke back.

A while back when I shared that my W was on BCP, I thought about her and OM. I was angry and felt like I could have been vindictive enough to tamper with the BCP to get revenge. I thank God for seeing me through those dark times. I would never want to stoop that low in doing something like that.

I still go thru my thread and I went over Sandi asking about W emotional state, if she was all over the place or not during Christmas. I remember she was somber. She didn't have a come to Jesus moment when thinking about her dad. I knew it then but I see it clearer now.

Another weekend passed and no R talks, no arguments or bickering. Not much talking on my part unless to answer somethin. NO GAL either. I did lose between 2-3 pounds, which is good. I'd initiate a good morning maybe once a week, if that.

Saturday I worked some overtime, a lot of office work for a hospital system. Friday night I was at home alone and able to read posts and respond to some without the interruptions and worry of the kids or her coming in and reading anything on the computer. My S6 can sound out words pretty well now so I have to be very careful of what he's looking at and sounding out.

W and I had been throwing a lot of stuff away. She cleared/cleaned a lot of the garage space and I showed her how to use the dolly and lift the boxes onto the shelves. We two-person lifted some of the heaviest boxes. We busted a sweat doing the work. This home is a great starter home and I'm going to miss it. I don't like where it's at though regarding commute. The other place will be much worse.

When we were done with moving stuff I spent time outside with my S6 who wanted to ride S11 old bike. He did really well on the training bike. W was outside too watching him and S11 was helping to coach him along. Had his first fall and everything. He had kneepads and a helmet. He said he wasn't worried about falling on his arms and that he was wanting to protect his "gorgeous face." He's got his upper teeth growing in

I decided I am keeping MBR items, like the bed and drawers. My S6 sometimes sleeps in it with me and at the new apartment I still want some type of comfort of the old home. I debated this and how I would feel. I'd be saving a few grand in keeping items from the move.

I've been watching a lot of different videos to get people's perspective on loving self to forgiveness. I'd say 75% of it is spiritual and overcoming infidelity with a trust in God. I'm not currently in church but I'd like to go back. There are a lot of things I want to revisit. I had a bucket list a long time ago then that stopped and now I feel like life is too short.

I'm still pretty confident but I have taken a big hit in that dpt from all of this. Also I felt like I was a man wh0re when I was young with weak boundaries with the ladies. I know when I lose more weight to get down to where I was, if that will ever happen, I'm afraid of that freedom. The girl I walk to her car some days keeps asking me about me and my W like questions about Vday coming up. She's respecting the boundaries of me being a married man but I wonder if I told her we were separated what that opens up. That's why I am not saying anything.

I want to go through this without interference of other women but my mind is playing tricks on me. Last night I had a dream of having sex with another woman from work. It didn't go that far because when it was about to, something happened in the dream to wake me up. I also had some dreams with W but it wasn't like that. More like our current situation was seeping into my sleep to invade me there as well. I remember seeing Steve comment on another poster's thread about this being a mental dump. Sure felt like it.

I have been sleeping later and I need to work on that. Planning to this week. Weather was horrible and it took me 2 hours to get home. I cant help but to think how that will be when I live way farther out. I do feel way better about the transition than a week or two ago.

I believe in allowing some things to take their natural course and as events unfold I have a better idea of how to move forward. Cant rush or force. Be patient.

I'm thankful for the support everyone has shown here. And there goes my ramblings for the day.

[neffer]

Stand strong there Adam. You have become an experienced DBer within a short period of time.

Makes me remember of J9 or Maika. Getting into amoafwl. So it´s going to be W´s loss. Shame on her. Better not telling you what my guts are trying to say...

Be there for the kids and keep walking man, you are doing fine.

Keep your light shining.

[Adam04]

Thanks Neffer,

You my friend are always a strong, positive pillar of support to the community. I am grateful you are here to heal and helping others like myself heal. Your words give comfort and your presence gives hope.

You are too kind.