I feel pretty good today, while at work I read your guys replies and used that to decide what I was going to do when I got home. I left work at 3, and I have an hour drive home. On the way home I stopped off at a gym and started a membership. I will probably go tomorrow after work. Then once I got home at around 4:30, I went out back and dug out my bike, filled the tires up, grabbed my headphones and went for a nice bike ride around the neighborhood for about 45 minutes. This actually felt really good and helped put me in a better mood for when I got home and was around the wife.
I then got back to the house from my bike ride around 5:30, went into the MBR bathroom and seen the rings still there hanging by the mirror, so I took them down and put them away, didn't want those in my face anymore everytime I walked into there and to have an effect on me, I then grabbed my bluetooth speaker and threw on some tunes, took a shower and then the wife woke up afterwards.
She started small talk again like yesterday, by first asking how my day was. I responded simply with "rough" and left it at that, she then went the same route as yesterday by telling me how her night was and I listened with little input, besides acknowledging what she was saying.
I cooked dinner again (The reason I cook is because our budget is set around meals, and these meals are also leftovers for me to take to work the next day. It's more beneficial for me). While cooking she seen a old note on the fridge that was reminder for a doctors appoint and she asked what it was, I nicely said "It's old, erase it". And I got a similar response as before "ok cranky" to which I just smiled and laughed. She seemed taken back by that reaction. I finished cooking and sat down for dinner. I stayed pretty quiet while eating until she started the small talk again by asking what made my day so rough, so I told her the problems I had during the day and left it at that.
She then got ready for work and said goodbye, see you tomorrow. And that was that for today.
Additionally, about year and a half ago I stopped smoking and switched to vaping. I felt so much better with a few weeks of that. a few weeks ago she had asked me what I wanted to do about the ring and I got up and left the house, forgot my vape and ended up buying cigarettes again. I had basically been smoking again since then. So today I straight up went cold turkey against both cigarettes and my vape. So to have the kind of day I did while fighting a nicotine craving I'm filing this under a successful day.
Couple of things. If she is calling you cranky, please reread the detachment thread. She should be seeing you as aloof, not cranky. Now maybe that is just her, not you.
"and I listened with little input, besides acknowledging what she was saying."
Read the validation thread. Validation is an amazing tool. It shows you understand how she feels without agreeing or disagreeing with what she is saying.
Her: "I hate when you do or say XYZ!"
You: "I can understand how that would upset you."
Also good job on the smoking/vaping! I was a smoker and quit cold turkey 25 years ago.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Couple of things. If she is calling you cranky, please reread the detachment thread. She should be seeing you as aloof, not cranky. Now maybe that is just her, not you.
Read the validation thread. Validation is an amazing tool. It shows you understand how she feels without agreeing or disagreeing with what she is saying.
Her: "I hate when you do or say XYZ!"
You: "I can understand how that would upset you."
She typical says "cranky" when I'm not my normal chatty self and uses it to get a rise out of me. Hence why she was taken back by my reaction because normally I would have reacted.
As for validating that was basically my little input into the conversation.
As for today, I got off work a little earlier at around 2:15 and headed to the gym. Spent about a hour there then headed home. Got home, and hoped into a shower in which the wife came into the MBR bathroom and asked if I was almost done, cuz she wanted to take a shower. She then noted how it was weird of me to be taking showers every day after work (Yes some days I'd be so exhausted I would skip and take one in the morning if I had time, but that's one of my 180's to feel better about myself) let alone washing my hair everyday, normally I'd wash my hair every 2-3 days. she then went to take a shower and told me her friend had a date and was coming over to talk with her about it. And that's were I'm at now, haven't made dinner yet, not sure if I am going to.
Also I have finally changed all my backgrounds on my phone and computers from pictures of us, to other things like the blue angels.
Last edited by mikeyb; 01/31/1910:42 PM.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
Well just had a bad moment, her friend was here with the kids running around. She asked me what I was going to make for dinner. I went and looked I said I can make pizza, then she said that we don't have enough pizza to feed us, her friend and the 2 kids. So I went to say how our budget was for us to feed ourselves (we are constantly cooking meals for her friend and kids). I then asked her if they were going to be here all night with the kids running around screaming (They typically ignore them and let them go all crazy) I asked this because I have to wake up at 3 am for work and have been trying to go to sleep earlier to get proper sleep. She took it the wrong way and screamed at me and said she's leaving and left with her friend.
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
Look, a man gets to set rules at his house. If he's married, he makes those rules with his W.
Here's some rules of my house: -shoes off at the door -don't touch the walls unless you're coming back to paint -roughhousing kids play outside/in unfinished basement
Was your W just have no way of telling this woman "no" to anything? Why are y'all the babysitter and cafe for this woman and her rugrats? Is your W aware of the budget? Maybe you can tell your W that you don't mind if she has friends over but that you have a budget for a reason. I'm surprised she left over this. Is there more to it?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Look, a man gets to set rules at his house. If he's married, he makes those rules with his W.
Here's some rules of my house: -shoes off at the door -don't touch the walls unless you're coming back to paint -roughhousing kids play outside/in unfinished basement
Was your W just have no way of telling this woman "no" to anything? Why are y'all the babysitter and cafe for this woman and her rugrats? Is your W aware of the budget? Maybe you can tell your W that you don't mind if she has friends over but that you have a budget for a reason. I'm surprised she left over this. Is there more to it?
Yes she is aware of the budget. There is some more to it yes, her and her friend were in the kitchen talking. I was in the other room on the computer. Her friend had gotten her taxes back and had splurged on herself, getting her hair done, nails, etc.. and my wife all of a sudden gets loud and enunciates how she wish she had money to treat herself and get her nails done, saying it to get my attention. I had ignored it at this point. Until it came down to the dinner part and she suggested feeding everybody, so I brought up the budget and how she was just complaining about not having money for herself but wants to feed people who are not our responsibility. She then said she wasn't going to have that conversation and walked away, thats when I pulled her over again to ask about them staying and the kids, and she said "[EXPLETIVE] this, I'm leaving. You don't want them here then fine." I tried to explain that I didn't say they couldn't be here but just that there needed to be a quiet time for me to go to sleep. Her friend left in her car and then she was going to leave in our car. When I stopped her again and asked if she would be back before I have to leave for work. I drive an hour to work and take the car, and she drives the truck since she works 15 mins away. She the said "It's my [EXPLETIVE] car you got your truck" I then went towards validating her feelings, she then said I will text you if I plan to come back. And then floored it out the driveway.
Now on the vehicle side of things, before we moved I was only 15 mins from work and she was an hour. She got tired of the drive so we moved closer to her work. Driving doesn't bother me, but we did so with the agreement that I took the car and she drove the truck as it made financial sense. 40mpg vs 22mpg
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
Not totally convinced there's a OM from your initial statements, but I would guess she's looking. How soon after her shift change did you get the ILYBNILWY speech? Could it be an EA at work. Sounds like she's very interested in talking about her job with you in the mornings.
It is also very clear to me that she's harboring a great deal of resentment towards you in regards to finances and other things. The wedding rings hanging in your bathroom seems like a deliberate attempt to rub the fact that she is done in your face and I'm going to guess that there have been other things like commenting about how she has no money, etc.
Friend w/kids is clearly an issue. If they talk a lot and are close, and this friend has lived with you guys/is over all the time, there's a good chance she's made remarks about you towards your WAW. in fact, I'd put money down that the friend is the driving force behind a lot of the resentment.
HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART FOR YOU TO REMEMBER:
EVERYTHING I JUST STATED ABOVE ARE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER!!!!!
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU AND CAN ONLY CONTOL YOUR OWN ACTIONS!!!
Divorce busting and living a quality life in the general sense comes back to the statement above. Take the focus off of her and put it back on you to become the person you want to be.
I really like most of what you're saying. You're not letting her walk you like a lot of guys I see coming in here fresh, so keep that up.
I love that your reaction to her calling you "cranky" was to laugh. That was absolutely a baiting tactic and you handled it very well.
The hardest part about being in this spot is the detaching part. the sooner you can develop an IDGAF attitude toward her and her life, the better off you will be regardless of outcome.
Things to remember:
-She essentially fired you as a partner. Would you want to try and please a boss that canned you, or would you want little/nothing to do with them?
-Regardless of if it's her friend, an OM, etc. The fact is that you can't control any of what she says about you, or what others say about you.
-GAL is huge. I know it's tough working early shifts, but you need to find balance in your life outside of your house.
A perfect time for this would be to walk out when friend and kids come over like they did. You called both of them out essentially telling them to "wrap it up" so you could have some P&Q. The better option in the future-and this WILL happen again- is to just tell them you're "going out" and leave it at that.
-Less words are better for establishing an aloofness and getting her to take an interest in what you might be up to.
-Again, she fired you and therefore you don't have any responsibilities towards her at this point. Truth be told, this is how she sees things right now.
Not trying to sound misogynistic, but women in these situations want to "cake eat," meaning that they want all the benefits you provide as a H, but they want to be able to do whatever they feel like as well. Don't let her try to put you in a corner while she gets to do whatever she wants.
-Keep us in the loop and don't tell her about this board. clear your history and don't leave material laying around.
-Don't mention working on yourself to her, just do it, and do it for you or it won't pass the smell test.
I get the depression thing and I bet a lot of us do. This is your wake up call! This event is a catalyst for real, meaningful change in your life and if you use it as such, there will be a time when you can look back on all of this and say "yeah, it was the lowest point i've ever been, but I climbed my way out and up and I'm a better man and in a better place for it."
Note- saving your marriage shouldn't be the priority here because you can't control that.
So on that note, use this time to become the man you've always wanted to be. You don't have to worry about her right now, so tell us:
-What are some things you've always wanted to do, or used to do that you'd like to become/pick up again?
So update to yesterdays stuff, she came home around midnight after she left. And I was still up, couldn't sleep after what happened. She then went on to say "See I told her you wouldn't be asleep when I got home". Only got 2 hours of sleep again last night. I was doing so well with getting sleep all week until that.
Today, she looks at me and says you can file my taxes right. I said yes, but you are going to owe. She said what do you mean. She had changed her dependents to 3 and will owe a few hundred. Somehow, that was my fault and I tried to screw her over. She had changed it to 3 when she switched it from single to married (looked through her paystubs). After her comments about the car yesterday I had taken my truck to work. She then realized the car needed gas before she could go to work, and proceeded to say how I messed that up by taking the truck.
The way it seems to me is the more and more I'm pulling away the angrier she is getting towards me.
Originally Posted by Mowgli
Not totally convinced there's a OM from your initial statements, but I would guess she's looking. How soon after her shift change did you get the ILYBNILWY speech? Could it be an EA at work. Sounds like she's very interested in talking about her job with you in the mornings. ... So on that note, use this time to become the man you've always wanted to be. You don't have to worry about her right now, so tell us: ...
It was me that changed shifts so I could get more time together. I got the job back in August, but didn't actually start the shift until October, 1 week before the truck got repod. I got the ILYBNILWY speech the day after thanksgiving. Talking about our days has always been a thing for us, I guess she is just continuing on with that. Yes there has been many other comments about money and other things that are my fault. For instance we went grocery shopping last week and she made the comment right before going to check out "I love being broke", or when it all first happened and she was going in for overtime she would hold it against me that she has to go to work in the cold and it was my fault (she works outside) and it was getting to be winter. She was going to work in it one way or another. She had too many cards in her purse (debit cards, my employee discount card, etc) my fault, etc.
I'm about to the point were I am going to stop cooking, and handling the majority of the cleaning. After all I will be spending most of my time out of the house now. All she has been doing these last few weeks is staying in the guest room zoned into facebook all day, and being nasty towards me when I've been stepping back, so I guess I just need to step back some more and stop all this extra stuff I'm doing.
As for GAL and things i've wanted to do: I've started going to the gym, it's something I've never done but am actually enjoying it., thinking of spending the day fishing tomorrow. Also going to get in touch with a friend I don't see very often and try and do get together for some Disc Golf
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Boundaries:
When you.... I feel.... If you.... I will.... If you continue... I will....
Start here:
When you agree to a budget and then repeatedly do things outside the budget,
Good stuff R2C, really appreciating your input!
M(32) W(30) Together 12yrs Married 2yrs ILYBNILWY 11/23/18 EA Discovered 3/20/19
In House separation 11/26/18 - 11/29/18 & 1/10/19-3/20/19 W Moved out 3/20/19 M Moved out 5/31/19 W Filed for D 3/3/2020
