Story and Symptoms of a WAW/MLC

[LH19]

I,

Slow down buddy!

Your writing is confusing. Did you find evidence of an affair while snooping?

Let's talk about your speech about disgracing the family. If it's a boundary or ultimatum what are the consequences?

[IHCLACS]

Get a load of this? Wife just told me tonight that her brother's wife just seperated from him and looks at him as "just a friend" and decided to move back in with her patents after being married for only a year and a half. So now I'm trying to help him understand what's going on. So women change their minds like this is definitely an attraction issue. Wife told me that that's my brother-in-law started his new job this year he kind of let himself go. The women of today I noticed are always looking outside of themselves to justify and validate their existence.

[SteveLW]

Get a load of this? Wife just told me tonight that her brother's wife just seperated from him and looks at him as "just a friend" and decided to move back in with her patents after being married for only a year and a half. So now I'm trying to help him understand what's going on. So women change their minds like this is definitely an attraction issue. Wife told me that that's my brother-in-law started his new job this year he kind of let himself go. The women of today I noticed are always looking outside of themselves to justify and validate their existence.

I know it is easy to get bitter and to blame the other gender for all of our ills. I get it. But you need to really try to stay grounded here. Not every W does this. Not every woman looks external for internal validation. So to start generalizing, while it makes us feel good about about ourselves, doesn't solve our own crisis. Sometimes I think we as humans like to over blow things to make them bigger than we are to say "there was nothing I could do!". Every thing that happens is an opportunity for self improvement. The problem comes when we take the focus off of ourselves.

[IHCLACS]

Yeah Steve.... I think essentially what everyone here is trying to tell me is I have to be so selfish to the point where I want to change everything about me and focus on no one else but me. That I have to be emotionally stronger, make more changes than her, have my own stuff together better than her, and become more attractive than her. I'm still trying to get a grasp on the female psychology I'm being more empathetic rather than self-centered I hope something that's difficult for guys to grasp at first and how to respond when prompted for connection.

[ovrrnbw]

I don't know that we're saying to be selfish or to be better than your spouse. How do you measure being "better" than someone anyways?

The advice is to respect her decision to want out of the marriage and let her feel the consequences of that choice. In the meantime, you stop worrying about what you can't control and go make yourself a better person.

I'm still trying to get a grasp on the female psychology I'm being more empathetic rather than self-centered I hope something that's difficult for guys to grasp at first and how to respond when prompted for connection.

Not sure what you meant to say here.

[AnotherStander]

I reassured her that I'm glad that she's doing what she's doing if it's going to make her happy and get her back to her skinny independent confident self what makes her feel sexy. She was really emfatic on how glad she was about me supporting her doing this. We even talked about her new exercise program in yoga that I might be trying out as well. I'm currently drawing up my own exercise regimen for myself. When we talked about finances, the day prior I told her that we should get the house on the market within the year and sell it since that's what she wanted to do initially. now she's telling me because of both our credit scores we probably should probably stay in the house for another year. I mentioned that I want to get out of the house now focus on myself and get an apartment eventually but I guess we both can't do it. I also was considering tapping of my retirement again to pay down some of the debts so we had a little more wiggle room. Frequently I've been bring up the conversation of dividing our time and coming up with boundaries and time tables and stuff as far as watching our son. I stated that I like to be there in the house for our son, but I also nred time to focus on my own stuff. I made the mistake of saying to her I'd like to be there for her and our son

Just.... slow.... down. You are making a classic mistake. You feel like you lost control of your destiny after BD and now you are scrambling to take control again. But you're doing it in all the wrong places. You should be taking control by letting her go, leaving her alone, giving her time and space and focusing on YOU. Get out. GAL. Let your situation just sit and breathe for a while. I promise you this, if you force her hand by moving out yourself, or coercing her into moving out or whatever, it is absolutely not going to bring you peace and relief. It will just make you spin even worse.

I'm really towing a fine line between letting her feel what a single mom life is

From everything you've been saying you are absolutely smothering her. You can't have positive attention from her so you are focusing on negative attention now- pushing R talk and D talk and S talk. ANYTHING as long as you have her attention. You have not even begun to help her feel what life would be like without you. And you need to, because that's what she WANTS right now.

I'm really stuck in my own head between doing things The Godly way and detaching and doing things that divorce busting way.

I would argue that DB'ing IS the Godly way. There is nothing more Godly then putting others' needs before your own. And right now she wants out of the M, her needs are for you to completely and totally let her go. Right now everything you're doing is because you're trying to force your needs on her. You can't "nice" her back so now you are trying to "mean" her back by forcing the D hoping she will see the light and snap out of it. Let go of what you want, because right now, you can't have what you want.

I'm trying my hardest to be less impulsive than more thoughtful in my thoughts before carrying out my actions.

Yeah you should stop being impulsive for sure, because when you are impulsive you are acting on intuition and right now your intuitions are all wrong. DB'ing is counter-intuitive, it's doing the opposite of what you think you should be doing. It's hard. It often required shutting up when you want to say something, and then coming here and asking for input before you act.

The last two days I was seriously considering getting my paperwork, finances and custodial and schedule plan in order. I was close to pulling the trigger on the divorce because I don't want to be in limbo and strung along for breadcrumbs.

Again that is you struggling to gain control when you should be just pulling back and focusing in GAL.

[IHCLACS]

Hey is there a GAL list on this forum? I got plenty of groups on Meetup.com looking to give a shot. Just looking for other suggestions from here.

[AnotherStander]

Hey is there a GAL list on this forum? I got plenty of groups on Meetup.com looking to give a shot. Just looking for other suggestions from here.

Here is a great GAL post that 25 made some time back:

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby.

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. And imo, we cannot detach without GAL.

I believe the more you overcome inertia, and feel detachment, an ironic by product will be better R's with all people, including your w.

All of these upped my self esteem.

Okay so I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

*I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.


*Rehearsing one night, I realized it had been hours without me thinking about H or our m, or doing any obsessing, & that was huge. Even more importantly, I learned to be IN the moment. When you do live theater, You cannot waste time regretting a missed cue earlier, and you have to think on your feet and ad lib and not think about the next act or anticipate things. There is only "now" and you make the best of that moment.

It's a wonderful important experience, and lesson for life I think.

*I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well and again, you are in the moment and reacting to the audience, so you perform and listen. And the more you learn to laugh at things that would otherwise make you uncomfortable, the smoother a lot of life becomes.

You have probably heard that the line between tragedy and comedy is a fine one, and it's true.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better downhill skier.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at shooting. Learned some patience too, and respect nature more.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it. Jetskiing is great if you are near water in a warm place.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. Ground school for flying challenged a different part of my brain, as did learning to fly. Jim - I know you have the height issue/fear, but thing is, flying a plane isn't like peering over the edge of a bridge. Know what I mean?


And I edited a hunting book for a hunting guide/friend up there. The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?

I worked out 3-4 times a week, and got in excellent shape. As you know, Looking good makes a world of difference to us. Found a (female) work out partner and began socializing after the work outs. As you mention, the endorphin affect matters.

I was trying to lose the baby weight and It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark cold Long winters. Totally worth the efforts. In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me feel more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps me feel better.

I saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very different and unlike me to do, but my friend needed a pottery partner and I'm glad I went. I liked it a lot & took another class last winter.

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.
I Wish I had joined sooner. I met two women who got me thru a dark time and are life long friends to this day.

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but these are all things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training/skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

If you like music, check that out.


Good luck.

Here are some of the things I did:

- Built and flew balsa R/C planes, ended up designing a couple of kits that are still sold today
- Got back in the gym working out 5-6 days a week
- Started tanning, updated wardrobe, started wearing cologne
- Learned about nutrition and started eating better
- Got in touch with old friends, set up lunch and dinner dates
- Fixed up an old motorcycle I had sitting up in the garage for years
- Built a mini bike with my son
- Started a "movie night" with the kids every Friday night, movie was their choice, popcorn mandatory, fire was made on cold evenings
- If people at the gym or people at work invited me out for drinks or whatever, I went
- Went out of my way to talk to people whether I was at the gym or store or a restaurant
- Joined a volleyball league
- Learned how to sculpt in clay
- Took some painting classes

There was more but that should give you the idea.

[IHCLACS]

I kind of just had a breakthrough on myself. Before I got married I was living with my parents. I've lived with girlfriends in the past but I really don't know what it's like to live alone. I was obsessed with learning how to attract women and keeping my social life busy although mostly was resigned to staying on the computer all day, going on a few dates, doing a few hobbies, going out with the guys every once in awhile, which still seemed unfruitful and meaningless. This insecurity about myself goes back to the age of 4 I've always chased women. Even my wife is said to me she doesnt think I could be alone. And in my 38 years on this Earth I haven't chased my purpose. I've always struggled to find it. I chase the money and just getting by day to day. Even though I realize this all along now I'm facing a square on. It's all the more reason to take the focus off of her and on myself. Now I finally understand what people say on here when they say focus on the things you can control for yourself

[SteveLW]

IH just be careful. The temptation is to say "I never lived on my own." "I've never chased my purpose." "If I do those things maybe I will be happy!"

Happiness isn't something that something external makes you. Happiness is finding true contentment. Whether you ever live alone or not. Whether you ever chase your "purpose" or not. I have lived alone. Its ok, but it doesn't make you happy or sad in and of itself. Look at some of the people that have chased their purpose and succeeded. Steve Jobs found his purpose, and was a tortured genius his whole life. CONTENTMENT isn't finding happiness from people or stuff.....it is being happy being you.