Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my thread thus far. For all my moments of weakness and poor DBing, I know that I would be in far worse shape without the consistent support and 2x4s of this community. I have much love and gratitude for everyone who has helped me along the way.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hi Davide, reading where your W still is at makes me feel sorry for her, she is stuck in a place of regret but is far from feeling any remorse. I attended a session recently on energy vampires, each of our WS to a certain extent are energy vampires to those of us who want to keep moving forward. While keeping in mind that you should not get svcked into her emotional drama, as hard as it is and as impossible as it may to do this further be kinder if possible. This is not for her, its for your own healing so interactions with her dont leave you with too much bitterness. You are doing such a great job on your journey, in a year I hope we can all be in a place to look back and say 2019 has been the best ever for each of us.
Some serious temp checks from W- dude I think you passed the test!! Even it had a minor effect you you. You showed your alpha behavior. Looks like you are at the top of your game. The newbies here can learn a lot from you. Keep it up - It looks like the finish line is not too far away stay positive. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I spent the weekend up in Philadelphia at a national job fair for teachers. It was crazy, like speed dating, and I had 22 interviews in just over 24 hours (noon Friday till 2:30 on Saturday). Most of them won't lead anywhere, but it is still nice to feel in demand and know that I have lots of possibilities out there. They are all across the country from San Diego to Nashville, to Miami, to Denver, to NYC. It is exciting and frightening to think about starting fresh in a new place. However, I am being quite picky and will only leave for a near-perfect situation both in terms of the job and in terms of starting a new social life.
I was also able to spend time with old HS friends and even have dinner with my parents, which was fabulous. They all would like me to return to that area but so far their are few opportunities.
I am continuing to date. After speaking with a friend I decided to keep dating other people since things were progressing so slowly with the separated woman that I have seen 5-6 times already. We are continuing to see each other, we actually have a date tonight, and we had a good honest conversation about where we were and what we are looking for. She is aware that she is not as ready as I am and was upfront about that, but we do enjoy each other's company so we will continue to see each other. That said, I already have a few dates set up with other people and will keep an open mind. It's strange to be dating and job searching at the same time (all of my dates know that I was up at a job fair) as it feels like two parallel tracks that lead in different directions. If I find a great person I am willing to spend more time here to see where it goes, but if I find a great job opportunity elsewhere I am definitely willing to move. I suppose the biggest issue is if I find both, but it's not worth expending mental energy on that quite yet.
I finally separate my W's phone plan from mine, as well as our gym membership, so that is another step towards complete independence. She finally wrote back to me about meeting to discuss splitting up our joint bank accounts and splitting the house and suggested that we talk this coming Saturday or Sunday. I haven't responded yet, mainly because I want to schedule that around my dates rather than vice versa. She doesn't get the priority there! I'm sure that she will want to discuss the past, and to an extent I am willing to listen to her and validate, but I don't have any desire to rehash the mistakes we both made or to provide her with any absolution. My focus (drishti) is on the future. For me that has been the key to this whole process, moving from backwards-focused thinking towards forward-facing thinking.
I had a text conversation with a potential date last night and she asked whether I had been married, and then if I was divorced or separated. I answered honestly, but then we got into a deepish conversation about dealing with breakups. It was nice to be able to tell her that I feel happier now, more positive, and more certain of myself than I did in the final years of my marriage. This has been the worst year of my life by a long shot and yet it has helped me to come closer to the person I want to be.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I like scheduling things with your W around your dates. She is not the priority, and I don't mean that in a mean way, just an honest one. I like that you're predicting where this convo is going to lead. I hope you think it through and are ready for her to lure you into a R talk.
That text convo about breakups seems like a good one. Sometimes we meet people in strange ways and have a great connection.
Everything else sounds pretty cool!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This has been a whirlwind of a week as I continue to date both women and schools. It is like my life is on two parallel tracks as I consider the attractiveness of various other cities and job offerings as well as the romantic possibilities here where I am. My goal continues to be to remaining open to all possibilities and living in the moment without worrying so much about the future. There is something alluring about starting fresh in a new locale, possibly a bigger city with more of the culture that I love. That said, I love my house and my neighborhood and have really worked hard over the last 10 months to develop a strong support network of friends in this city. If I think that there is a relationship worth pursuing, I am very open to committing for another year (because it really only is a one year commitment.) Right now the relationships seem more alluring than the job possibilities, but it is still early and that could easily change.
I have had 6 or 7 phone interviews with schools from as far as San Diego to NYC to Pittsburgh to Miami, and have even progressed to the second round of phone interviews with three of the schools. After that the next step would be for them to fly me to the city to visit the school for a day, do in-person interviews and teach a class. I really only want to take that step if I feel like the school and city is a good fit for what I am looking for. I am not leaving just to leave, and really need to be impressed and excited by the opportunity.
On the dating front I have had two more first dates this week with another scheduled for Saturday afternoon. One of them was, perhaps, the best first date I have ever been on. She is a university professor, just a couple of years younger than I, with a three year old who was conceived without a father (IVF). We connected right from the outset to a scary degree and share similar tastes, senses of humor, and intellectual pursuits. It really takes work and conscious effort for me to slow down and not get ahead of myself when considering the possibilities with her. We are scheduled to meet up either late tonight or on Sunday (or both!)
At the same time I am still seeing the separated woman, she is actually coming over to my place on Saturday and I am going to cook for her. Our last two dates have gone well, and removing the pressure of exclusivity has been positive. I enjoy her company without as many expectations. If things progress, great. If not, I know that I will spend a fun night with her. I am also texting and speaking with a woman who lives in a city about 1.5 hours away. She is also very cool and I love talking with her, although I don't know if there really is any possibility given the distance. So, the dating is going very well. I imagine that at some point, probably not too far off in the future, I will have to commit to one relationship in order to fully pursue it, and I am ready to do so. However, I am really trying not to jump the gun on that and remain open to all possibilities.
I wrote back to my W and told her that I do want to meet but I'm not sure if I can this weekend. It really depends whether or not I am getting together with the professor on Sunday. I probably won't know that until later tonight. She, the W, offered up next weekend as a possibility as well. I guess I will have to just decide on one time because I do want to square away the finances and possibly begin talking about the D process. If this weekend doesn't work out, I'll just give her a time that I am available and work from there.
I think this is what continuing on my own path looks like. I am happier, more grateful, and more excited for the future than I have been in many years. For all of those still stuck in the morass of depression or limbo, please know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel if you are willing to lean into it and focus your gaze forward. It was only a few months ago that I was stuck in that place, thinking constantly about the past and the relationship that was, and the woman I fell in love. It didn't feel like I could ever stop the thoughts or remove the dark cloud from above my head. But, with the help of a lot of folks on her and my ICs, I feel stronger than ever now. Just trust the process!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
