Another year survived

[AndrewP]

You are just fine G. Do you have a friend you can call and chat with available?

You have diagnosed yourself. You know that what you are feeling is in part chemical and in part your own overthinking and paranoia.

We know little about your guy. If I remember correctly his ex has been difficult and the split was tough (?) You have been single a long time and have been ready to jump in with both feet. He seems to be taking things slowly but deliberately.

Give yourself a hug. Know that you will be fine and get a nice night's sleep.

[DonH]

I swear medical professionals make the worst patients. I'll let some of the others respond about the rest. My focus is why in the Sam Heck did you stop your meds like that? WHY? And I already know you didn't talk with your doc - did you - just did it. You know you should ween off - especially the benzo. But why stop the AD meds at all? Why now? Then self medicate with wine? GINGER what would you tell a patient who did this?

So maybe I'm missing something so I will let you explain why stopping a medication you need, abruptly, then stopping a second one, at the same time, is the right thing to do. I'll stop the 2X4 now, but you really do know better. Get back on the AD. After the benzo is cleared and you are back stable then TALK TO YOUR DOC about stopping it.

[TBSakaJ9]

G...I am not a medical professional so I cant comment on the medications. I will say though that in the majority of dating and attraction books I have read they all indicate that it is a women's responsibility to initiate any conversations about taking things to the next level. That by design women are wired to bond and connect. With that said if it is what you want then I say go for it. It is getting close to 6 months and that should be more than enough time in my book.

Sometimes you have to be willing to risk it all.

Sorry you are having these emotions.

My 10 cents.

[Ginger1]

Thank you for the kind words, Andrew, they were really needed. I guess you can say I am awfully self-aware, I can diagnose myself, I know exactly what's going on. It's doing something about it that gets difficult. M's divorce was miserable and painful. He's been pretty open, but we talked more about it on the car ride up. They had a kid, both got diagnosed with cancer within 3 months of that, the distance and fighting began and they clearly weren't working. One day he came home from work, to the dream house he was building with him own hands pretty much and she had the police there waiting for him and she got a restraining order on him out of nowhere. (don't worry, Ive seen all the police reports, completely unwarranted) her mom taught her that when you want a divorce, you go for the jugular and this person is your enemy. He was out of his house for 3 months, had visitation with his son once a week.... He was completely blindsided. It's heart breaking to hear. Tears come to my eyes. While he has been open and honest about everything, the one thing I was trying to drag out of him was how he felt to have a woman he loved at one point do that to him. He felt betrayed, obviously, but you know the way we still feel so hurt by people we loved? He doesn't express that part. And I think it is because he went into complete defense mode. he had to get lawyers, cops, do research, all this stuff he had to go into Robocop mode, mainly to get his son back. I wonder if he ever got to feel the loss of the woman he once loved. Despite all this, he is not bitter, jaded and his heart I do feel is open to me. he will always tell me how thankful he is I came into his life.

Don- There is reasoning behind what I did, but not very good reasoning at all. Healthcare workers make the worst patients, always.

I haven't been to the doctor to get my scripts filled. They won't fill them until I see them. I have new insurance, never got the cards because I moved and I need to see if he is even in my network anymore. Bad, bad excuse. The Xanax was for sleep and my doc wanted me using it less than nightly because it causes dementia eventually says, some studies. I had been so tired, I hadn't needed it. I didn't really use it for anxity, just to quiet my mind so I can get some sleep. Sleeping pills make me do wacky things, and melatonin gets me to sleep, but doesn't keep me asleep. That one wasn't a big deal. I tapered my AD's, it was an abrupt stop. Another reason why I stopped them was because my routine got all messed up since I moved and got the dog. I fall asleep on the couch now with the dog. Get up at whatever time to take him to pee in a half asleep daze and go back to bed. Before I went upstairs to my bedroom in my old house, I would take them. Now I took them sporadically.

I only self medicated with one glass of wine last night. I haven't been drinking. What I needed was to get out of the house but I couldn't. And andrwe made me realize I miss my friends big time. I don't get much time to myself, one of my friends moved over an hour away and I have to stay over to see her, but I have this dog. We used to do things in the weeknight because she is a SAHM. Can't really do it anymore. My other friends have been busy with life and kids. We keep in touch, but I feel the need to just go out and have some laughs with my friends.

My favorite annual event I am sacrificing tomorrow to take D11 and her friend to the waterpark. But my girls an d I got our tickets to the beer expo in AC in March like we always go. My once friend comes up from FL for it.

Obviously, I need to up the self care and take better medical care of myself. I am going to make that doctors appt. I am doing things proactively with the way I eat. I also am invigorated by sun and warmth and we aint got none of that.

J- I do actually agree that a guy isn't going initiate R talks. He's been good enough to even inititate the kid meeting.

I am terrified. It's the truth. Anytime I have initiated the R talk, I have found out that person didn't feel the same way as I did. When my ex and I were first dating, I was the first one to ILY. he couldn't. (probably because he was seeing others) it took him 2 years and on valentines day he finally did. I would inititate R talks with exNG, as in him having some level of commitment to us for him to put some energy forth. They always went back. Even though he told me he loved me first. But then that A hole actually took it back. He said he felt it, but couldn't say it. Then the first guy I really cared for, multiple times I got shot down. friends with benefits I guess who kept coming back to eachother and then when it had to go in one direction or the other, it always went in the other.

So, this is why I am freaking. Everything has been different with M. Everything. ANd wonderful. And I need to try to believe he is not going to be like the others.

Fear is a killer.

On a positive note, around 9:30 he texted me asking me if I was still awake. He told me he spent the day installing heat in his downstairs and showed me pictures. When he is in a household project, he is off the map. We chit chatted and said goodnight. He sent me a "good morning, princess" text and his mood is much different because his back is feeling better. I am getting the sense he is returning to normal. he did the man thing and thought the worst of the situation and it isn't, so he is relieved.

Maybe the next time we will see eachother, I will be able to initiate some sort of convo. Really, I just want to tell him my family wants to meet him and I see how he feels about us as a couple. I'll stutter all over myself, I am sure.

Today is my last day here! Woot woot! More changes, but positive ones. I brought bagels in for everyone today as a goodbye.

[TBSakaJ9]

G - I know it is scary but sometimes you have to be willing to risk it all to get what you want. I think it has been long enough and you need to know if M can provide you what your looking for.

[Dawn70]

I think J9 has a good point about risk. I understand your hesitation, but at the same time, if it is on your mind, it may well be on his too and he may just be letting you take the lead. I don't necessarily agree that the woman should HAVE to initiate the R talk, but I think that is usually the way it happens. Take a deep breath and go for it!

I wanted to address your dog situation too, as that seems to be a big part of your posts lately. I know it seems like a lot. Seems overwhelming at times, especially when he gets into things, chews stuff up, destroys or damages things. It is way worse than raising a child. Just be consistent with your discipline and quick with your praise when he's being good. I know you and D11 are stretched mighty thin as far as your time, but give him time when you can so that he gets your love and affection and knows that he matters. Hopefully, some of the issues you are having are just that he's still a puppy and he'll grow out of them. Consistency is probably the most important thing.

Hang in there! Good luck on your new job endeavor. I'm sure you will absolutely knock if out of the park.

[Ginger1]

I know, I have to take the risk. I've been burned so many times. I do truly feel like it is different this time and he is feeling it. If the mood is right, I will lightly the next time I see him. He is worth it.

I cannot lie. I thought about giving my dog to a better home. I hate that I even thought about it. We are stretched very thin on time. I also think he really needs outside play, but it is bitterly cold. The dog is causing me monster amounts of stress. We are much more consistent, praise the good, redirect him when he gets bad to doing something positive. But man, when you come home form a days of work, need to cook, clean dishes, ect.... it's tough. D11 heard it from me last night though, I told her there is no more locking herself in the room on Facetime. She is to be where the dog is. I m going to this puppy daycare once in a blue moon at Petco. I visited spoke to the guy, saw the space and the small dogs are separated from the big dogs, they have a big space to be in, toys, babysitters, and the place is super clean. $15 for 5 hours. He is also starting dog training on valentines day. I know it will get better. But yes, a another kid would have been so much easier!

[AndrewP]

the one thing I was trying to drag out of him was how he felt to have a woman he loved at one point do that to him. He felt betrayed, obviously, but you know the way we still feel so hurt by people we loved?

Eviscerated is probably a better word.

That's a lot of trauma and he still has to deal with her on a regular basis.

'Gonna tell you a little story. Years ago when you were just a little girl I fell in love with a charming lady who had captivated me with her smile, her ability to listen to and remember my long stories and her boobs. I never was a boob guy before which initially disappointed her but she converted me.

Sorry - got side-tracked there by the thought of boobs.

Anyhoodles - about 6 weeks or so in, I told her that I loved her. She didn't say "I love you" back. I was fine with that. I told her that I was ready to say that and if she wasn't, well that was ok. From then on, when the moment was right, I'd repeat it to her. Not as an entreaty, but just as a plain statement of fact.

A few weeks after that just before I was about to leave on a multi-week business trip and during a rather intimate moment - she paused - looked at me very seriously - and said "I love you" to me. A bit later she confessed to me that what caused her to say that was that I was going away and she didn't want to lose me.

We were together for almost 30 years. Each and every morning, even after she told me she was leaving me but not why, up until I discovered her affair and she moved of her own volition against my protests out of the master bed room, she insisted every morning regardless of the time, that I wake her up, kiss her good bye and tell her that I loved her. And I did. And I meant it each and every time.

---------------

Love comes in all shapes and sizes. It is expressed in a multitude of ways. If you feel you want to express this feeling to him, let him know that this is how "you" feel and that he can take whatever time he needs to find his own heart. His way of expressing love to you might not be able to be put in words or in a solid commitment for a bit of time yet. And yes, it might not ever happen. The future is an uncertain place. But if in this place, in this time, you have those feelings - that's good.

[Dawn70]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS is why I love Andrew! That was SO beautifully stated. It did make me a bit sad that you still kissed her and told her you loved her after she moved from your room, but the point of that and the whole story was that the love you felt was on your own time. Your last paragraph says it all, Andrew, and I think you are SO right. That was just lovely.

[uRworthy]

Hi sweetie. So happy for you about the new job and house...so proud of you, too.

I am wondering why you feel the need to have a relationship talk. It seems to me that the relationship is moving forward. He is cautious...given how horrible his divorce was...it is understandable. That coupled with the fact that his child is much younger and all.

I think that is all it is, to be honest. You are still learning about each other....the whole if a man is sick or injured thing...sorry, guys but it's the truth. LOL!

He is learning about you. This is all as it should be.

So I think that you wanting to have that talk is your insecurity rising. I get that, too, completely.

But if you really wanted to "do something different" this time around, I think you need to really think about what you hope to accomplish and whether you really need to have that talk to know how he feels.

Just let it unfold, G. As long as it moves forward in a positive fashion, it's all good.

If you want him to meet your family or friends, then simply state that. "Hey, M, I'd like you to meet...

You are doing wonderfully considering all the new things you have been handling lately.

And I know, because I have done things to make my son happy, that you wanted the dog for your daughter, but, I may have waited a bit to get settled in the new house some, but, you cant undo that. So, to doggie classes he goes. Dont' forget to keep reminding her that she needs to be responsible for him.

You need to take care of you, G, or it all falls apart, you know? You matter...don't forget that.