Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

I brought up the budget and how she was just complaining about not having money for herself but wants to feed people who are not our responsibility.

Was this in front of her friend? I can see how this could be embarrassing for her. Not to mention awkward with talking about getting her friend to leave in front of them. I would think that this kind of thing would be best discussed later. I also wonder if pulling her aside several times was a good look also....like youre hiding something.

Ive leaned that when my W has friends over, it's best to just be supportive of what shes talking about and if I have any kind of issue to bring it up later.

It wasn't in front of her friend directly, but yes she was around in another room. The food situation could have been discussed later but not so much the kid situation. It was less than an hour before I needed to go to sleep and I wanted to ensure they would have a quiet time set so I could get some proper sleep. Something I have been working to improve. The last 2 months since this started I was only getting 2 hours of sleep a night, it wasn't healthy at all.

[mikeyb]

So fairly good day today, until now. I woke up at 6:30 this morning right as the wife was coming home, didn't interact. Got myself together and loaded some tools into the truck and went to a friends house to work on his car. He's got a blown head gasket. (Big job, but hey it'll keep me busy.) We went hunting around for the parts with no luck, so ordered them online. Then started tearing down his motor. Got a bunch done, then after hanging there for about 8 hours headed home.

Got home and the wife asked where I was all day, I simply said "out", she persisted with "out where", I responded "just out", then silence. She then asked if I was going to make dinner, I said not sure, I'm pretty tired and need a shower.

A hour goes by I take my shower, and go relax at the computer for a bit. Then she bursts out, I guess I can't count on you for dinner now. (I didn't cook friday, and was at the gym Saturday, and now today. She then goes on to say that she can't trust me. Things went kinda sideways from here, no yelling but I acknoledged how she felt with the trust and owned up to my mistake for that, but she persisted... ugh...

But next weekend will be good, got plans all weekend. Saturday going to a concert with my mom, sunday going to busch gardens with a friend for his daughter bday, then monday back to same friends house to finish working on his car.

[Mowgli]

A hour goes by I take my shower, and go relax at the computer for a bit. Then she bursts out, I guess I can't count on you for dinner now. (I didn't cook friday, and was at the gym Saturday, and now today. She then goes on to say that she can't trust me. Things went kinda sideways from here, no yelling but I acknoledged how she felt with the trust and owned up to my mistake for that, but she persisted... ugh...

Dude, apologizing is not he same as validation. What mistake did you make here, because I'm not seeing one.

You went out and did the GAL thing and she's pissed because she doesn't get to sit around and have someone do everything for her now. She's literally throwing a tantrum because you're playing by your own rules and not hers.

Why? because they all do this. It always gets worse before it gets better, but not if you bow down and take blame for mistakes you haven't made. You don't owe her anything because she FIRED you as a H.

Would you let someone at work talk to you like this? You need to read up on boundaries my man.

looks like this:

BrattyWW: "I guess I can't count on you for dinner now."

AwesomeMikeybigballs: "I Don't like your tone, and I don't let people talk to me like that."

(see what I did there? we took the focus off of you and dinner and turned it into a conversation about her current behavior... using "I" statements)

BrattyWW escalates...

BrattyWW: "You won't tell me where you were. I can't trust you!"

AwesomeMikeybigballs: "I don't let people yell at me. If you want to discuss something, come back when you are calm."

The truth is, you WANT her to not trust you. It sounds so weird, I know, but it's the truth. You want her hamster spinning on the wheel at some crazy speed wondering what you are out doing. Smelling and dressing well also helps that hamster spin at an optimal rate of speed.

Keep her guessing, why? Because she has so little respect for you right now that she thinks no one else wants you. Make her "think" otherwise. You want her wondering what you're up to.

WWs are the biggest children in the house, man, and you kind of have to treat them that way until they get out of the fog. You don't let them throw attitude at you (ie, you set that boundary), and you don't try to appease them when they're throwing tantrums (you walk away).

What else is common, childlike behavior? Discarding things and only finding interest in them again after someone else picks them up to play with.

See where I'm going with this?

[AnotherStander]

^^ Awesome stuff from Mowgli, that is spot on! ^^

[Mowgli]

Also,

She's trying to get you to do what she wants by threatening to leave, which she's already done. Essentially, she's trying to hold the R up as a carrot to get you to fall in line.

The thing is, she's treating you like garbage man. I'm guessing she wasn't talking to you like that 12 years, or even 10 years ago.

If you were single and some girl you just started seeing piped up out of the blue "I guess I can't count on you for dinner anymore," would you want to continue seeing that girl?

The thing is, you HAVE to be willing to walk away from this R, because this isn't want you want for your life. Even if you start a new R with the same person, you have to bury this one in the ground, man.

She's not the girl you married. When I was going through my sitch, It was explained to me that it looked like my wife, but it was actually an alien that had taken over her body. Use that if you want.

Make sure you're doing the readings. I feel like you're going to be able to make the adjustments.

[mikeyb]

The mistake I am referring to is the money issue from my original post. This is what caused her to have trust issues, I never properly took ownership of my mistake with her. I was using the state of mind I was in as an excuse. I told her that I understand how she feels about the trust, and why she feels that and that the stress and depression I was going through was no excuse for my behavior, I knew what I was going through and I should have sought help sooner and I didn't so that is on me.

As for coming back when she's calm I have been using that, when she escalated Saturday night, I told her if she wants to talk she can come back when she is calm.

I also told her, don't expect me to cook dinner next weekend, I have plans all weekend and will most likely not be home.

And no, she didn't treat me this way, up until the last 2-3 weeks since I've been backing away and focusing on myself.

As for boundaries I have been working on setting them like so:

The other night, I made dinner and she got up afterwards and got a drink, and set her plate on the counter with food still on it. I had already done dishes prior to cooking, all that was left in the sink was my cooking dishes. She then puts her cup in the sink, so a conversation went down like this:

M: "The dishwasher is dirty."
W: "So" and walks away.

I then got up to put away dinner and do my cooking dishes and I left her plate on the counter. She was getting ready for work and comes back in the kitchen then it continues:

W: "would that food not fit in any of the containers."
M: "I am not putting that away."
W: "oh, now your being petty"
M:"No I am just not going to be taken advantage of"
W: "Oh you feel like your being taken advantage of"
(I then bring up how she came in that morning to get me to cook breakfast as posted earlier)
M"How about you coming in at 5:30 am waking me up and asking me to cook breakfast?"
W:"I just really thought you would do it"
M:"Who is it that I am cooking for"
W:"What does that mean"
M: I repeated my question, with a follow up "It's not my wife"
W:"Legally I am still your wife"
M:"but not physically or emotionally, so again, who is it that I am cooking for?"
... she thought about it
W:"Roommate".
And my final response was
M:"Would you wake up at 5:30 am to cook your roommate breakfast?"

Note, this was whole conversation was done calm and collective..

Then yesterday during part of the previous ordeal, it came up again about taking advantage of me and I said how I have been managing the house and all cleaning and that she needed to help as shes been locking her self away in the guest room and not contributing to the household chores. She said yes you have been doing a very good job at maintaining the house, and I stay in there because I have nothing else to do. So I said then if you got nothing to do why haven't you helped around the house. Her response is because I've been taking advantage of the fact you've been doing it. So I said again, that I will not be taken advantage of and she needs to help.

[Mowgli]

Then yesterday during part of the previous ordeal, it came up again about taking advantage of me and I said how I have been managing the house and all cleaning and that she needed to help as shes been locking her self away in the guest room and not contributing to the household chores. She said yes you have been doing a very good job at maintaining the house, and I stay in there because I have nothing else to do. So I said then if you got nothing to do why haven't you helped around the house. Her response is because I've been taking advantage of the fact you've been doing it. So I said again, that I will not be taken advantage of and she needs to help.

So what's the plan then? You just tell her she needs to help you around the house and...? Do you have a detailed list of roles and responsibilities? That's what I'd be drawing up right now.

The passive aggressive stuff with the plate looks petty and childish.

I'm only here to help. If you don't want it then I'll put my time in elsewhere, but I'm telling you that I've walked this road and came out on the other side with my R in tact and I've been piecing for three years.

I know I'm coming off as harsh, but I'm doing it from a place of respect for the journey you are about to embark on. This isn't easy, it's "hard mode." trying to re-route a R that is at this point is 100X harder than just going through a D. The crappiest part about it is that you can walk through this pit of fire and broken glass we call divorce busting and still end up in the "surviving the big D" section of this site. It's probably a more likely destination than piecing if I'm telling the honest truth, but it doesn't make you a failure. The only failures are people who fail to evolve, change and learn from the process.

I had a therapist tell me once that you can't save a relationship, you can only save yourself and make yourself the person you want to be. It's what we call being the "lighthouse" around here, but it was put into different terms.

Bottom line is that we all initially found this forum in some effort to try to save our R or M, but what you'll really find here is a place to save yourself; to become a "man only a fool would leave" so that you have the confidence to know that you are deserving of a quality R, whether it be a new, better one with your WW or someone else down the line.

The craziest part is that even if I decided to go in a different direction and not stay with my W, I would've still ended up feeling successful because due to this life-changing catalyst I had to endure, I became willing to accept that I wasn't who I wanted to be. Am I who I want to be now? No. Am I closer? absolutely!

So take the advice or don't -I get that not everyone's communication styles jive, so if I'm not the guy to bounce ides off, I totally understand- But know that you don't have to get defensive or justify your actions to anyone here. It's counterproductive to do so and doesn't allow for positive dialogue that can actually help with your sitch.

[mikeyb]

Then yesterday during part of the previous ordeal, it came up again about taking advantage of me and I said how I have been managing the house and all cleaning and that she needed to help as shes been locking her self away in the guest room and not contributing to the household chores. She said yes you have been doing a very good job at maintaining the house, and I stay in there because I have nothing else to do. So I said then if you got nothing to do why haven't you helped around the house. Her response is because I've been taking advantage of the fact you've been doing it. So I said again, that I will not be taken advantage of and she needs to help.

So what's the plan then? You just tell her she needs to help you around the house and...? Do you have a detailed list of roles and responsibilities? That's what I'd be drawing up right now.

The passive aggressive stuff with the plate looks petty and childish.

I'm only here to help. If you don't want it then I'll put my time in elsewhere, but I'm telling you that I've walked this road and came out on the other side with my R in tact and I've been piecing for three years.

I know I'm coming off as harsh, but I'm doing it from a place of respect for the journey you are about to embark on. This isn't easy, it's "hard mode." trying to re-route a R that is at this point is 100X harder than just going through a D. The crappiest part about it is that you can walk through this pit of fire and broken glass we call divorce busting and still end up in the "surviving the big D" section of this site. It's probably a more likely destination than piecing if I'm telling the honest truth, but it doesn't make you a failure. The only failures are people who fail to evolve, change and learn from the process.

I had a therapist tell me once that you can't save a relationship, you can only save yourself and make yourself the person you want to be. It's what we call being the "lighthouse" around here, but it was put into different terms.

Bottom line is that we all initially found this forum in some effort to try to save our R or M, but what you'll really find here is a place to save yourself; to become a "man only a fool would leave" so that you have the confidence to know that you are deserving of a quality R, whether it be a new, better one with your WW or someone else down the line.

The craziest part is that even if I decided to go in a different direction and not stay with my W, I would've still ended up feeling successful because due to this life-changing catalyst I had to endure, I became willing to accept that I wasn't who I wanted to be. Am I who I want to be now? No. Am I closer? absolutely!

So take the advice or don't -I get that not everyone's communication styles jive, so if I'm not the guy to bounce ides off, I totally understand- But know that you don't have to get defensive or justify your actions to anyone here. It's counterproductive to do so and doesn't allow for positive dialogue that can actually help with your sitch.

Thank you for this. Looking back at it I can see the way I went about the plate thing being petty. Something I need to work on. I do appreciate the insight. I will have some time to myself this week as the W will be going to her cousin's house for a few days. I am going to take this time to do some thorough reading and understanding of things everyone has posted.

I will sit down with her and discuss responsibilities and make sure she understands my boundary of not being taken advantage of.

[AnotherStander]

I will sit down with her and discuss responsibilities and make sure she understands my boundary of not being taken advantage of.

OK so let me get this straight, you are doing all the cooking and cleaning voluntarily, and somehow that is her "taking advantage of you"? So now you are going to set a boundary that you will not be taken advantage of, and the consequence for her ignoring it is.... what? I'm thinking you don't understand what boundaries are. Read this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

[mikeyb]

I will sit down with her and discuss responsibilities and make sure she understands my boundary of not being taken advantage of.

OK so let me get this straight, you are doing all the cooking and cleaning voluntarily, and somehow that is her "taking advantage of you"? So now you are going to set a boundary that you will not be taken advantage of, and the consequence for her ignoring it is.... what? I'm thinking you don't understand what boundaries are. Read this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

I had told her I would cook dinners and contribute to the housework, not me doing it all myself. But she had stopped completely. I ignored it at first because it was peak season at her work and she was working a lot of extra hours so I had picked up the slack during this. That has now passed and when I asked her about it she literally stated she was taking advantage of me doing it. I don't expect nor have I ever expected her to cook. I have asked, but didn't expect It. I won't say anything about this right now though. I want to fully think it through.