You are really spinning right now and keep rehashing the same things over and over. I think you may want to up your IC visits to more than once every two weeks.
Originally Posted by Bo562
I believe I mentioned this before, but I just miss the reciprocal love / sex / attention / affection from a woman right now. What’s odd is that I’m not sure if I especially want sex / physical affection from W right now—
B you really have to use to the fact that this is probably not going to happen for a really long time. Do you think your W would consider you needy and codependent?
Originally Posted by Bo562
I’ve thought about if / when that happens, and that later on if we get to that point, I’m sure perhaps a sex therapist might be in our future, because it’s been a while since sex / physical affection between us—I feel like it would be awkward.
You are really putting the cart before the horse here. Do not waste another ounce of energy on this thought pattern. All your focus should be on 180s and improving yourself.
Originally Posted by Bo562
I don’t feel like I deserve this in general, but especially the lack of affection part.
Do you think your W should be giving you love and affection right now?
Originally Posted by Bo562
I don’t recall withholding it from her before BD, and when we practiced NFP we probably went at most 2 weeks without sex, unless W was gone for work for a longer period of time. While she was unhappy that I didn’t always give her what she wanted sexually, I was never mean about it, I would sexually pursue her, and I was usually very physically affectionate with her.
You have mentioned this exact paragraph before. You are wasting time spinning about the past.
Originally Posted by Bo562
From what I’ve read here, I know that for her, sex / affection comes down to respect for me, and for whatever reason, she doesn’t have it, so if I want that back, I’ll have to work on getting her respect for me back. But I have to wonder how much I want her right now, myself.
One minute you are pining for her and the next minute you don't want her back. You really have to slow down and take a deep breath and take the focus off her completely.
Bo I am going to shoot it straight to you that you need to start preparing for the fact that things going to get worse for you before they get better and you need to mentally start preparing for it. I get the sense from your posts that you are about to backslide and do more damage then has already been done up to this point.
My WW said the same things - "Oh, you'll find someone so easily" - "I don't know what I want (regarding a new relationship)" - etc.
Less than a month after the BD, she told me she was interested in a coworker of hers (this admission is apparently atypical for the forums, but inline with my W), but later stated they are only friends. They're full-blown dating at this point.
Yup it's so common it's kind of a cliche'. My ex said the same thing and then couldn't get on the dating apps fast enough after S. I think they just say it because they think it makes things easier on us. I don't think the dating thing worked out like my ex thought it would, she had a whole bunch of first dates and not many that went past that. She doesn't talk to me about it anymore so I think she finally just gave up. For the last year she's been more focused on doing stuff with female friends, our kids and with her mom.
Originally Posted by Bo562
Go ahead and 2x4 me if you must for this, but since I’m in a journaling mood.......I believe I mentioned this before, but I just miss the reciprocal love / sex / attention / affection from a woman right now.
Not sure why you think that would warrant a 2x4! Of course you miss that, I mean that's a huge part of being in a loving relationship with someone is giving and getting some love! Just try to keep in mind that it's temporary, you'll have it again whether from her or someone else!
Just read LH's response, he does have some good points. It's OK and normal to miss intimacy, but at the same time you've got to try to quit missing your old W, because as we've already discussed that person is gone. It's confusing because you look at this "new" version of her and she looks the same. But it's not her anymore. And I think you're holding out hope that the old person will come back. It happens, but more often than not whatever a WAW changes into she just mostly stays that way. So detach, GAL, let her go on her journey and somewhere down the road you might be working on a new R with this new version of her. But until then work on you.
Good convo with L on Tuesday afternoon--affirmed a lot of what I'm thought.
I should take it in stride and only see it for what it is, but I got a couple of compliments on my dress shirt today from female colleagues--was wearing turquoise.
"That color looks really good on you"
In light of everything it's just really nice to hear. Probably nothing more to it, but just feels good to hear--nice little confidence boost.
Sorry to hear about the BD and you needing to speak to L on her threats.
Hope you got sound advice on how to best protect yourself (recordings, etc)
I understand how it feels to miss the intimacy. After a while it gets easier to deal with.
Time helps heal and helps to give clarity.
You start to see what they become and realize this is not the person you were attracted to. (This is what helped me to further shift focus off her since I no longer saw her as the mother bear doing anything to protect her cubs)
Hang in there buddy.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
W and I had a chat tonight about alternatives to the parenting plan.
I still told her that I’m willing to coparent, but I’m not willing to leave our apartment (L affirmed my rights to not leave, btw).
W has threatened to take the kids, find another residence in our current school district, and she will leave me here by myself, and that I will see the kids once a week and every other weekend (or something like that).
She claims that I’m ‘hurting our children’ by doing this. According to her, I’m holding our children hostage by not agreeing to the parenting plan as she described it.
Pretty sure she can't do that. You aren't divorced and so you both have legal custody. If she does leave and take the kids you will probably need to file asap and get emergency custody orders. This is something you need to talk to L about. Be aware and stay calm. Your WW is one threat after another, and another.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Just empty threats Bo. Stay strong. Like Twofeet says, if she takes the kids, get to your lawyer ASAP and file. It would be nice if you could agree on a parenting plan but that usually requires both parties to be willing to negotiate and make some compromises. Your W is basically having a temper tantrum and her claim that your are hurting the kids is just her trying to guilt you into agreeing. Don’t buy into it. If anyone is hurting the kids, it is her. (((HUGS)))
I agree that it is hard-core manipulation. I get what you guys are saying—no fear, don’t buy into it, but I’m believing she serious.
What I found out in reading between the lines tonight is that W has already talked with a L, and she apparently will be looking to retain one. She claims she will go file for divorce (Me: “Great”).
She claims that since YS is nursing, she will get primary custody, and courts won’t split up boys—also, if she claims primary custody, I will pay her child support, according to her.
She also claimed to me that for most of the last year, that her IC was on my side, and basically agreed that things could be saved—and only within the last month or so (probably since W BD’ed me in early January) did her IC see things as not salvageable. She then later mentioned that her IC believes that the bird-nesting arrangement is what is best. So, which was it?
She also talked about how she really wanted to make things work between us, and that she cried so much earlier in our MR and that I wouldn’t do what she asked me to do earlier in our MR.
Then again, the gov’t could always shutdown again and she’d be hosed until whenever, and then she’s stuck here.
She asked me if I’m seeing a therapist (yes, started a new one), and she recommended that I take the parenting plan with me to the LMFT. I said, ‘you know what, that sounds great. Our next appointment is the 18th—I accept.’ Once I said that, SHE LOST IT, and had an ugly cry. I was afraid she was going to hyperventilate or do something extreme. But man did she lose it.
She’s basically offering me 2 options: take her parenting plan, or I come up with my own parenting plan. Neither? She ups and leaves with the kids.
“How are you going to explain to OS that he has to leave” and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Me: I never said he has to leave.
W also talked about leaving the kids (in general), and it was at this point that I said something about her leaving them for days, weeks, or even months for work.
W told me how she hates when she calls or FaceTimes us when she is away for work, and OS doesn’t show much interest in talking with her (because he’s usually so engrossed in playing or watching something). I also see this when I bring the boys home—OS asks if Mommy’s already home (she’s usually not at that point), and he gets sad / upset and expresses his wish that Mommy would be home. What does she think things will be like with divorce / separation?
She didn’t like that—that she has no choice to do that, and that for her work it provides for the family, and makes a safer world for them and this and that and the other.
I did tell her it is absolutely a choice for her, and that she is not as powerless as she thinks about that.
I also reiterated for her tonight that her happiness is a choice.
