Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[Ready2Change]

What Ovrrnbw said.

[ovrrnbw]

Then whatever she chooses to do with her money is her business

I like it. You eliminate that argument in the future and it lets her feel the consequence of her choices in regards to enabling this friend.

[IHCLACS]

Wow!!! Just wow!! Talk about cake eating....MikeyB. I feel you buddy I'm watch the wedding ring and put away the photos get tucked away in the wedding albums be put away. I told my wife yesterday I'm keeping the MBR. She can either stay or go to the guest room. She logically resisted at first and then she went along with it. We threw out our cake toppers from our wedding cake last week. You're doing a great job I know it's hard to stay emotionally Center in the midst of all this. After 5 months of making myself physically and emotionally sick over this. After taking back the NVR I'm getting more emotionally grounded. If there's something that I've had a hard realization over? Especially with my wife being a behavior specialist, is that she's quick to analyze behaviors outside of herself but fails to modify or sustain commitment to changing hers.

It all goes back to the biblical saying from Jesus, How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Have humility and realize the things that you have done wrong and correct them do not carry the guilt. As far as your wife's Behavior you cannot change her she has to change for herself. do not point this out to her as they will most likely only taken as character assassination or severe criticism. When and if she verbally attacks you, stay as emotionally neutral as possible and stand your ground.

If you are going to do something for her you better get some type of reciprocity out of it. And if you're not, let them handle their business and you handle yours. In almost 10 years of my wife and I have been married, she is now stage setting on being a single mom, and all of a sudden she's doing the dishes for herself. Not consistently but still. I know she's trying to clean up her act but then she goes back to her lethargic self again. Do not help them unless, you really want to do something small and nice out of the kindness of your heart and not having ulterior motives forgetting her back. But don't placate.

here is an odd thought that I had this morning when I woke up. I could be wrong about my perception but it's worth something to thinking about. If you think about the people how many holding marriage vows while they're getting married from like the forties and the fifties, I'm willing to bet that most of them back then didn't get all sappy and sob and cry while they were getting married. because not only did they understand what true commitment is, but they were ruled by their emotions they were ruled by their commitment, they lead their emotions and their hearts. In modern times I'm sure most likely for the women as well they get all sappy during their marriage vows while getting married, because of the Romanticism and they have no control over their emotions. Biblically hormonal e and physically speaking the Bible says that women are the weaker vessel, this is why, us Men, need to remain emotionally neutral around them, empathetic and compassionate but neutral. We have to lead them and we have to lead our own feelings and our own hearts and minds. feelings can be deceived and deceiving as I'm sure you know your feelings probably change by the hour or by the day. me being as emotional as I am it took me a while to get this

[IHCLACS]

Even though I'm in the beginning phases of this when you start to take your power back you'll feel a lot more motivated, and more emotionally grounded

[AnotherStander]

Wow, so it's currently 5:30 am and she came into the MBR were I was asleep, and proceeds to try and wake me up being all nice and asking me to make her breakfast. I said politely I'm trying to sleep. She kept pursueing but I kept going with it's early and I'd like to sleep. She then asked if I'm going to make dinner tonight (because Friday I didn't, was at work late and yesterday I was at the gym) she even said "you give, give, give and now you take it all away" then got up and proceeded to walk away.

Wow. Lock the door from now on. Yes I'm serious!

[MoveFrwd]

we are still running on a tight budget which doesn't make her very happy since she doesn't have extra money to spend when she'd

She should work more if she wants more money. Don't be Mr. Moneybags for her anymore. Also, I'm happy to read you go things fixed on the financial side. That's what a smart, strong person would do.

I am kinda catching up, so this may have been addressed already. But I am a little confused by your original wording. You said "I" made a budget and a plan.
So was this discussed with her? Did she agree to it?
I know that a big issue in my past M was that I was in charge of everything financial and so I was always the one saying "NO" to what my XW wanted. I think that she felt like I didnt want to do anything even though in reality, I was feeling all of the financial pressure and she wasnt really involved. So how did you work on this budget and how did you make sure your finanicial goals were aligned with her? I mean, maybe you were trying to get this all paid off in 2 months, but she would have rather done it in 4 while living a little more loosely? Just trying to understand your dynamics a little more.

[MoveFrwd]

I brought up the budget and how she was just complaining about not having money for herself but wants to feed people who are not our responsibility.

Was this in front of her friend? I can see how this could be embarrassing for her. Not to mention awkward with talking about getting her friend to leave in front of them. I would think that this kind of thing would be best discussed later. I also wonder if pulling her aside several times was a good look also....like youre hiding something.

Ive leaned that when my W has friends over, it's best to just be supportive of what shes talking about and if I have any kind of issue to bring it up later.

[Mowgli]

Nice job on separating the accounts.

Make sure if you're working with MIL that you keep it businesslike. You don't need/want to get her involved in this because its really not her business.

Many newbies try to get family/friends to sway their WW's opinions, but it NEVER works. Trust me, I played that game.

Again, She fired you, so she needs to figure out her own s**t just like you are figuring out yours.

Feel that pain. It [censored] but it is what will help you to realize that the W and R you had is dead, help you to detach and help you to move on/ move forward.

Don't show her that pain or anger. Use this board for that. I want you to know it's ok to be upset, and we all understand it. You are not alone.

[mikeyb]

we are still running on a tight budget which doesn't make her very happy since she doesn't have extra money to spend when she'd

She should work more if she wants more money. Don't be Mr. Moneybags for her anymore. Also, I'm happy to read you go things fixed on the financial side. That's what a smart, strong person would do.

I am kinda catching up, so this may have been addressed already. But I am a little confused by your original wording. You said "I" made a budget and a plan.
So was this discussed with her? Did she agree to it?
I know that a big issue in my past M was that I was in charge of everything financial and so I was always the one saying "NO" to what my XW wanted. I think that she felt like I didnt want to do anything even though in reality, I was feeling all of the financial pressure and she wasnt really involved. So how did you work on this budget and how did you make sure your finanicial goals were aligned with her? I mean, maybe you were trying to get this all paid off in 2 months, but she would have rather done it in 4 while living a little more loosely? Just trying to understand your dynamics a little more.

Yes, she was fully involved with making the budget. Me, her and the MIL all sat down and worked us out a budget we agreed on.

[mikeyb]

Nice job on separating the accounts.

Make sure if you're working with MIL that you keep it businesslike. You don't need/want to get her involved in this because its really not her business.

Many newbies try to get family/friends to sway their WW's opinions, but it NEVER works. Trust me, I played that game.

Again, She fired you, so she needs to figure out her own s**t just like you are figuring out yours.

Feel that pain. It [censored] but it is what will help you to realize that the W and R you had is dead, help you to detach and help you to move on/ move forward.

Don't show her that pain or anger. Use this board for that. I want you to know it's ok to be upset, and we all understand it. You are not alone.

Yea, the family isn't getting involved. They now what happened, and whats going on. That's it, nothing more has been said. And, yes I have been using my friends and this board as a way to get out my anger and emotions, vs letting her see the pain I am in from all this.