Into the Fire (LB55 thread 2)

[Ready2Change]

She also wants to discuss what we should tell our friends at little league. I vote for the truth. She wants something that isn't awkward. I want to reply with:

"W filed for D 3 days before Christmas while I was in the air coming home to visit, filed a restraining order that prevented me from seeing my family, and had a stranger give it to me in a gas station parking lot at 10pm when I was expecting W to pick me up."

H:"W, I thought about your concerns about telling the LL friends. I am going to say "It ran it's course". If I hear any details from them that are not true, I will clarify the truth. Please be careful with what you tell them."

[Ready2Change]

She wants to get the credit card payed off, and since there isn't enough joint account money left, she wants us to sell some joint investments to do it. I am not against this idea, it meets my goal of getting it closed out. However she then said she also wants to sell some extra to help our individual checking accounts meet needs during this transition because she is sure we both need it. My account is just fine. What I hear from that is 'I am feeling the financial squeeze already and want more to feel comfortable'. She wants me to take care of it before the 1st. I suspect her first payments are due for all her new furniture and her ski trip and L fees and stuff are adding up.

I said 'I am not prepared to discuss finances right now', proposed meeting in person to discuss the financials and taxes and all that stuff next week over lunch because it's way easier than email, and if we can be mature about it will save us lots over paying L to deal with it. She said she doesn't want to do it in person because we have too many intense emotions, but she will think about it for the future. Guilt is an intense emotion for her. I will just keep doing my thing.

My X sold off assets to buy a new car for herself (lawyers negotiated this). My advise is get CC paid off.

Sell some extra. Take your half and reinvest. You may take a tax hit, but at least it is split.

[ovrrnbw]

Lol she blocked you on her phone? You weren't blowing her phone up right? I wouldn't even tell her to unblock, just let it come in court or with the parenting coordinator and let them look at her and wonder wtf is wrong with her.

And yea screw putting all this extra effort and money into making her life easy and comfortable right now, she hasn't thought about helping you a single bit. I'm still just completely lost as to how you can be paying her so $7,300 per month support. Honestly, I don't know how you can even be making that much money. Are you an officer?

She wants me to take care of it before the 1st

I don't think it's your job to take care of anything for her anymore. It's hilarious that she says something like that but has you blocked on her phone.

She also wants to discuss what we should tell our friends at little league. I vote for the truth. She wants something that isn't awkward.

Right. She made it awkward but she gets to squirm out of everyone realizing how she did it? Don't go out of your way to hurt her or protect her IMO.

Talk to a financial advisor or accountant to see there is a way to minimize penalties and tax implications on the investments.

[LB55]

I will clarify the whole phone thing with her.

She had blocked me at some point in time, I do not know when. The last text I received or sent was before Christmas. I have not been blowing up her phone by any definition.

I had researched coparenting apps recommended by our L and the court. Most had awful reviews and I wanted to ask if she had any inputs and opinions on them. I sent her a text about it, but got nothing in reply.

The following day I sent an email to ask her about the apps. I explained I had texted but had received no response so I was reaching out via email. She replied that she had blocked me on her phone and hadn't received any text messages from me. She also told me she unblocked me and sent me a text saying such.

So at this point I am unblocked from her phone to my knowledge.

[LB55]

She also wants to discuss what we should tell our friends at little league. I vote for the truth. She wants something that isn't awkward. I want to reply with:

"W filed for D 3 days before Christmas while I was in the air coming home to visit, filed a restraining order that prevented me from seeing my family, and had a stranger give it to me in a gas station parking lot at 10pm when I was expecting W to pick me up."

H:"W, I thought about your concerns about telling the LL friends. I am going to say "It ran it's course". If I hear any details from them that are not true, I will clarify the truth. Please be careful with what you tell them."

That's tough for me to say right now, because it hasn't run its course. That's what you say when it's all over. We are barely started in this. I know I am hurt and angry about her actions, and part of me wants revenge and to make her look like a jerk. I know that doesn't solve anything, which is why I posted it here.

I do like the statement about hearing untrue things and clarifying the truth for them.

[LB55]

And yea screw putting all this extra effort and money into making her life easy and comfortable right now, she hasn't thought about helping you a single bit. I'm still just completely lost as to how you can be paying her so $7,300 per month support. Honestly, I don't know how you can even be making that much money. Are you an officer?

No I am the highest enlisted pay grade. We have a couple rental homes that bring in about $3300 a month on top of my income.

She wants me to take care of it before the 1st

I don't think it's your job to take care of anything for her anymore. It's hilarious that she says something like that but has you blocked on her phone.

Yes I am studying up on co dependent traits and care taking and / or rescuing relationships. It isn't my job to take care of her, and I am ok with paying off the credit card and closing it, but not so much ok with selling investments to make sure she has more spending money.

She also wants to discuss what we should tell our friends at little league. I vote for the truth. She wants something that isn't awkward.

Right. She made it awkward but she gets to squirm out of everyone realizing how she did it? Don't go out of your way to hurt her or protect her IMO.

Yes she wants to preserve her image as the good mom and wonderful wife that they all think she is. The president and Vice President of the league know the whole story, as I had to talk to them about the accusations she made about me abusing the little league kids when I coachedS11 team last year. Said multiple parents complained and the league did nothing to protect the kids. I want to ensure the league has their bases covered legally, and they wrote a letter to the court stating no complaints were ever stated and that I did a wonderful job for the kids.

[ovrrnbw]

OK so you are 20 (or close) years experience E10, plus married plus kids plus rental properties. Good for you. Still $7,300 a month support is outrageous but I don't know how that works.

I wouldn't want to sell investments for her spending money either.

The revenge statement is big. Eventually you won't even give a crap about her. If you throw her under the bus, then she'll realize she can hurt you and she will continue to try to do that. Take away her power, show her that you won't let her hurt you anymore. No need to throw her under the bus, everyone will see that on their own and they'll see you taking the high road. If you hear lies, you can set it straight but no need to put your business out there yet.

[LB55]

OK so you are 20 (or close) years experience E10, plus married plus kids plus rental properties. Good for you. Still $7,300 a month support is outrageous but I don't know how that works.

Yes we were doing very well financially, planned to be retired by about 45 years old and have about $8000 a month of income before we got out of bed. Could still happen, this is a big financial bump in the road no matter if we divorce or not.

The revenge statement is big. Eventually you won't even give a crap about her. If you throw her under the bus, then she'll realize she can hurt you and she will continue to try to do that. Take away her power, show her that you won't let her hurt you anymore. No need to throw her under the bus, everyone will see that on their own and they'll see you taking the high road. If you hear lies, you can set it straight but no need to put your business out there yet.

Yes I am angry about the situation this has put us in. I want her to feel the embarrassment and judgement I have been subjected to. I know it won't help anything and I need to let it go. I have maintained I don't want to screw her over in all of this, and I still don't. However she has no responsibility or accountability in any of this right now and that is very frustrating to me. I have been dependent upon her for my emotional well being for awhile now, it isn't a good thing I have realized.

I saw her through so many medical issues, did everything I could, all are better now, and I am hurt that in my time of need none of that is worth a thing and it's easier to just divorce and leave than to help me recover. I know it's my work to do, but it's nice to have the support of your spouse vice an enemy.

I also realized that she was dependent upon me from about 2010-2014 and guilted me anytime I did something for myself and spent time doing something I wanted to. This eventually got to be too much, and I just stopped doing things I liked, and instead just sitting around waiting to see what she wanted to do. So basically our roles reversed, and with me being by myself for a year due to the military, I relied so heavily upon her for everything that she wants out because she isn't strong enough to pull me along. I was drowning her but didn't know why. I have a better idea now.

I don't agree that divorce is how we fix this, but I respect her position.

[Ready2Change]

That's tough for me to say right now, because it hasn't run its course. That's what you say when it's all over. We are barely started in this.

You are telling HER this. You are agreeing (Validating) with her. In her mind, it has ran it's course. You "hear" her and "understand" her.

[LB55]

I sent W an email yesterday about business stuff.

In court she said that she deals with all the financial stuff and mortgage payments. Court said that should remain during the temp orders. She stated she had to get new car insurance because I cancelled hers by informing my insurer that she had filed for divorce. They made her a permissive user on my policy. The only things this changes is she can’t buy a new car, rent a car, or loan her car to someone. All other coverages remained the same.

Yesterday I cancelled the autopay for the mortgages and forwarded the confirmation numbers to her, and I said that she should have no problem figuring out how to set up the autopay from her account. (I left out the smart comment about how she supposedly had been doing it all anyway)

I also asked for proof of the insurance so I can actually remove her from my policy since she told the court she already has her own. I don’t think we need double coverage on the car she drives. I said I will not cancel it until I receive positive confirmation from her that she is covered. Haven’t received anything yet.

Also stated my position on visits. Since I wasn’t able to visit them this weekend due to weather she proposed a weekday visit; which is fine, but then went on to say that the normal weekend visits would resume on the 23rd and implied that the only reason for a weekday visit was to make up for a missed weekend. I informed her that the judge didn’t say weekday visits were a replacement for weekends, he said that they were authorized in addition to the weekends. I said that we need to agree each week on a mid week visit in addition to the scheduled weekend visits. Again no reply.