Glad to see you posting. How is the personal growth going? Did you complete reading DR and TAOS?
I was a dishwasher ninja after the bomb. Not really sure if people fall back in love with someone because they are great at house chores. But ya, at least it gives them one less justification.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Glad to see you posting. How is the personal growth going? Did you complete reading DR and TAOS?
I was a dishwasher ninja after the bomb. Not really sure if people fall back in love with someone because they are great at house chores. But ya, at least it gives them one less justification.
Thank Ready2Change! I finished ready DR. It was a great book. As for TAOS, still working on that one. I’m so tired at the end of the day that I have to carve out time to read. TAOS is a big book and it’s deep. So I sometimes read pages several times to make sure I got the message.
As for the house chores, of course these aren’t the real reasons why he is in MLC it whatever we can call it. We all know that MLC’ers come up with all sorts of reasons they are unhappy. The problem wasn’t the dishes. Lol. However, I’m still glad I made a 180 on his complaints. It really got me back to the person I was when he met me. Also, I wanted the satisfaction of showing him I can make improvements. So I’m happy about my 180’s. Again if and when I walk, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I did ALL that I could!!!!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Lost88 and bubbs16 no one can make me break my wedding vows, I don’t want the karma that comes with that. I told my H from day 1, if I ever feel like I want to cheat on you, then something is wrong with our marriage and I’m going to come and express that to you. Of course he promised the same. I told him if I ever wanted to cheat, I would work on the issues in my marriage, if that didn’t fix things, I would respect him enough to let him go.
Even after everything my H has done, I don’t have any desire to entertain ANY other man. And believe me, I’ve had attractive men hit on me. Nope not going to happen!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
We had the dreaded R talk tonight. Basically we got on the subject because H asked me what was on my mind. I said nothing. He said I can tell you’ve been deep in thought for the last few days, what is it? Before I knew it I just let it rip. Listen guys I know that’s against the rules but toning I just couldn’t hold back. I told him I’m tired and that this isn’t what I wanted for my M. I ran down all the ways he’s been selfish and disrespected me. I told him I don’t think I have any fight left in me. I told him that I feel like he’s slowly killing our M. I know stupid thing to say.
He responds why does it have to be that I killed it? Couldn’t it have just died? For me I can’t phantom the thought of a marriage just dying without contributing factors. However apparently this dude thinks it’s possible.
At this point I’m now filled with rage. He then says that it just isn’t there anymore and that he hopes one day I find happiness and he hopes I hope the same for him.
So here I am feeling like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck again. So now I have to figure out how to move on with my life. I never planned for this and really hoped things would turn around but I’m tired. I have tears running down my face as I type this. Before I kicked him out of my room he even looks at me and says, I know you still love me and I still love you. I know you’re saying some things out of anger but I know you still love me because I feel it. What in the absolute hell??? Of course I still love you idiot. I didn’t fire you, you fired me. Of course I never said the love word to him. I figured I’ve done enough. I even told him he fired me as his wife and he said no I didn’t.
Dude! Yes you did! Urrrgggghhh! I’m just so mad I want to hurt him bad. I can not believe this jerk married me only to give up 11 years in.
Now I have to pick up the pieces of my life and figure out what my next move will be for my S and I. Because my H no longer wants this M. He seems consistent on that.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
(((Living))). Those talks really, really s#ck. My H pretty much yelled at me that he wants to be divorced by the summer because he wants to date [guilt free] and not have this “hanging over his head”. Thirteen years together... now just something hanging over his head that he needs to rid himself of. It hurts beyond belief.
Yes...you have to pick yourself up. Same game plan. Nothing has changed except that you had an R talk when he is clearly in the same frame of mind that he was at BD. You don’t know how this is going to end up but you do know that nothing is going to change overnight. You have done really well with the 180s but it seems like you have done them in order to get your H to change his mind instead of doing them for you. Ultimately, of course, you would like to save your marriage but the only chance you have to do that is to let him go. Give him space and time. Get busy. Get out of the house... a lot. Stop worrying about and wondering what he is thinking or doing. Treat him like he is your roommate. Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. Don’t ask questions that you may not want the answer to. When/if his feelings start to change, you will know it. Until then, live life for you and your S. Right now it is going to take a lot of effort and you aren’t going to feel like doing it. It will get easier, I promise. (((HUGS)))
(((Living))). Those talks really, really s#ck. My H pretty much yelled at me that he wants to be divorced by the summer because he wants to date [guilt free] and not have this “hanging over his head”. Thirteen years together... now just something hanging over his head that he needs to rid himself of. It hurts beyond belief.
Yes...you have to pick yourself up. Same game plan. Nothing has changed except that you had an R talk when he is clearly in the same frame of mind that he was at BD. You don’t know how this is going to end up but you do know that nothing is going to change overnight. You have done really well with the 180s but it seems like you have done them in order to get your H to change his mind instead of doing them for you. Ultimately, of course, you would like to save your marriage but the only chance you have to do that is to let him go. Give him space and time. Get busy. Get out of the house... a lot. Stop worrying about and wondering what he is thinking or doing. Treat him like he is your roommate. Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. Don’t ask questions that you may not want the answer to. When/if his feelings start to change, you will know it. Until then, live life for you and your S. Right now it is going to take a lot of effort and you aren’t going to feel like doing it. It will get easier, I promise. (((HUGS)))
Thank you DejaVu6, I appreciate it. I will be honest I did do the 180’s for myself to give myself the satisfaction of knowing I tried. I still feel good about the progress I’ve made. Perhaps like I said upthread, his loss will be another persons gain. My H no longer deserves me. He is selfish and only thinking of himself.
I was doing so well and then for some reason this still hit me like a ton of bricks hearing this crap again. I told him he didn’t deserve me and I hope that he lives to regret what he’s done to me. I know all the wrong things to say but again, I just couldn’t hold back. But the truth is he doesn’t deserve me. I’ve been a good and loyal wife and he doesn’t find that hard to walk away from. I told him there’s going to come a time in life that he’s going to wish that he had a woman like me and she won’t be there. He tells me I’m not going to wish bad on you like that because I want you to be happy. Really, really dude?
I know I will get through this but today totally [censored]. Here I am another sleepless night. But I have got to pick myself up and figure out my next move for me and my S. Because I’m not staying with this dude. He refuses to leave this house. I’ve got to gather my thoughts, which will take a couple of days but I’m going back to see the lawyer.
Sorry to hear about your sitch, how can people be so cruel to those who love them?
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living, I'm so sorry to hear your report. I second everything DejaVu6 said.
It isn't helpful at all, but it does sound like your H is going through his own depression/MLC/issues and following script. The part where he said that the love "just died" and that he sees it as something outside of himself, and that he does not see his own connection to his M. Unimaginable to us, but I do think from their perspective they think they are being honest.
Of course this hit you like a ton of bricks. We're thinking of you as you process this information and make decisions for you and S. Take your time in this if you are able to. You are not on a deadline, so focus on calm, rational decisions that will not cause you lasting harm.
Living, I'm so sorry to hear your report. I second everything DejaVu6 said.
It isn't helpful at all, but it does sound like your H is going through his own depression/MLC/issues and following script. The part where he said that the love "just died" and that he sees it as something outside of himself, and that he does not see his own connection to his M. Unimaginable to us, but I do think from their perspective they think they are being honest.
Of course this hit you like a ton of bricks. We're thinking of you as you process this information and make decisions for you and S. Take your time in this if you are able to. You are not on a deadline, so focus on calm, rational decisions that will not cause you lasting harm.
Thank you Yail. Today is s tough day, I barely slept a wink. I know I need to taken some time to get my thoughts together. Right now they are all over the place. I have a lot of processing to do and a lot of decisions to make.
You summed it up perfectly, I never even thought of it that way...the point where you said my H doesn’t see his own connection to the marriage. He doesn’t see how he totally contributed to where we are. He NEVER showed up when things got tough. He never even tried to work on the issues we were having in our marriage. Instead per his claims, he had been feeling like our marriage was in trouble for years, yet he never said a word. He never suggested counseling...nothing. He just decided to give up. And for that I’m angry with him and probably will be for a long time.
Then for him to see he knows I still love him becusse he can feel it. Like what did that have to do with you basically re-affirming that you no longer have it for me or this M?
I also think he’s created this fantasy that we are still going to be the best of friends once things are over. No Sir! He’s convinced himself that he will be happier without me. That is life will be happier when he’s not married. He’s convinced that he deserves to someday have another meaningful relationship. For me to say he doesn’t deserve that he thinks I’m wishing bad on him.
Who knows, maybe he will be happier without me. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he won’t ever regret walking away. He seems to be convinced that this is what he wants. Maybe I’m kidding myself for thinking one day he will feel regret and remorse. Maybe that’s just the part of me that wants him to suffer that thinks that. Maybe he will be happier than ever once he escapes this prison known as marriage.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Oh and just like usual he sends me a text message from work talking about wanting to put my car in the shop this weekend. He asked if I had to work or had plans. I didnt even answer. So of course he calls and I declined his call. He called again, I declined his call. He sends me a text message asking me why I’m sending him to VM. I text him back that I don’t want to talk and I will take care of putting my vehicle in the shop myself. And that if I need to get around this weekend, I’ll rent a car.
He responds that he thinks that’s unnecessary and he is not sure why I’m acting like this. I just ignore his message. Truth is I have nothing to say to him right now. I need to clear my head and figure things out.
I’m packing up and getting a hotel this weekend. I’m just going to take some time for a little R&R and to try to get some clarity. I know my emotions are causing me to break all the DB rules and are causing me to act mean.
I just need some time to get myself back to a place where I’m mentallly sane. So Friday after school, I’m taking my S and we are leaving for the weekend. Unless my son has plans to stay over at a friends house. Either way, I’m leaving this weekend.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
