I agree I don't think he has any fear of losing you.
I know you are probably sick of hearing this but you are really early in the process.
Just continue to try to detach, GAL and work on yourself.
You will know when you had enough.
Of course I’m sure he has a little bit of fear of loosing me and that’s why he hasn’t pulled the plug and filed for a D. I mean he had even expressed that he is scared of loosing me. But old faithful has always been by his side so I don’t think his fear is at the level where it should be at.
To be honest, I love hard. When I go in, I give it my all. However, once I’m done with you, there is no coming back. I have cut off relationships in the past and never looked back. Even when they came crawling back, I showed them the door. I think the only thing that’s saving this dude is that up until the initial BD he was an amazing H. However, that amazing H stock is staring to plummet by the day.
Truth is I don’t want a marriage where my H and I sleep in separate rooms. That makes no sense to me. It’s stupid.
You’re right in the fact that I should continue to work on myself and GAL. That is the plan and I know there is still things I need to work on personally.
Edited to add: Sheesh the below is long, a lot of words. Sorry guys...it just flowed out of me.
The one thing I can say is that I have completely did a 180 on some of the things he complained about. That makes me feel good.
*He complained about the kitchen not being cleaned in the evening and him having to clean it in the morning before work.
- He was right, I didn’t clean it always. I took for granted he would clean it in the morning. I can own up to that.
- Guess what? The kitchen get’s cleaned every night. I clean as I cook and start to load the dishwasher as I cook. Doing so makes the final cleanup a cinch. Sometimes he helps, most of the time he’s sleep on the couch while I’m doing this. Can’t control him, I can only control myself.
* He complained about me doing laundry but not folding it and putting it away. I would leave it in the basket.
- He was right! I would wash the clothes, dry them, and put them in the basket. At the end of the night, I was tired and would go to bed. I took for granted that he would fold them and put them away. And he would.
- Now I wash my clothes, fold them and immediately put them away. Notice I said I wash “my” clothes. He washes his own. He earned that task when he fired me as his wife.
* He complained that I let myself go (rolls eyes) and that I didn’t keep myself up like I used to. Meaning make-up, hair done, and cute clothes. He also complained about me wearing his old t-shirts when we left the house. He said, I looked like I just rolled out the bed. He also hates that I slept in his old worn out t-shirts. Oh and the granny panties. Ha!!!!
- He was right, I had let myself go some. I guess that can happen when you’re busy raising kids and being a wife. It can also happen when you’re putting everyone else’s needs and wants before your own.
- Now I never leave the house without looking good. Oh and he noticed. I’m always put together even if I’m running to the store. Now that doesn’t mean I get all America’s Next Top Model to go to the grocery store. It just means I make myself presentable. Gone are his old t-shirts and the granny panties. Those were replaced with cute night gowns and sexy panties. I can honestly say, this change feels good. This is who I was when we met and it feels good to be back in this place.
* After the initial BD he said he wasn’t being satisfied sexually. I want having sex with him. He would ask was I still attracted to him. He would ask if there was someone else. He was sexually and emotionally frustrated. So...some young pop tart caught him at a weak moment and gave him what he wasn’t getting at home.
- Even though I will NEVER blame myself for him CHOOSING to have a PA, I can see how I contributed to creating the perfect storm for that situation to happen. Truth is my denying him of a reasonable sex life lasted a few years before he ever had a PA. Like we literally would have sex probably once every few months. I own that part I will own. So after the initial BD and him ending the PA, I went into action. I rocked his world as much as physically possible. The sex was good too. Sure I had to fight all of the visions of seeing him with her but I did my part. I did a compete 180. Bought sexy lingerie, booked a hotel for a change of scenery, explored new things with him all with the intent of spicing things up. Wasn’t enough for Mr. MLC. Not too mention that part of the reason our sex life took a dive was because my needs weren’t being met. But still I took responsibility for my actions and made an improvement.
* He complained that I wasn’t being consistent with our S & D when it came to them cleaning up after themselves and doing their chores.
- He was right. I wasn’t being consistent with this and our kids took full advantage of this. Now mind you I was working and going to school full time...but I took responsibility for this shortcoming.
- D went to college but when she comes home she cleans up after herself. Thanks to the talk I had with her. S now has a chore chart posted in his room. He knows what he should be doing and on what days. If he doesn’t do those things, he looses his video game. Loosing his video game is like taking the air out of his body so he’s been doing a great job with his chores.
* He complained about having to be the sole provider for the family. After I graduated from school, the plan was for me to work and start my business. Well I got laid off from my job, so H told me to just focus on building my business. He said he would take care of the bills. The business didn’t jump off as fast as I planned. Things were tight and Mr. MLC couldn’t handle hearing that people he works with get to buy new cars and take vacations. So him being the sole provider became a problem. I’ll admit that he makes good money but things again were tight financially.
- So I went out and got 2 jobs. I actually work 3. I have 2 part time jobs and I’m slowly building a business as well. The plan is for my business to get to a point where it can become my FT income. That’s why right now GAL takes some strategic planning on my part. I want to be financially independent from him no matter what happens with us. So I’m working my tail off. But I bring in decent money which has afforded Mr. MLC with the ability to go out and buy that brand new truck he’s been wanting. However, this income I’m bringing is also allowing to sock money away.
So I’m proud to say that I’ve 180’d and I’ve been consistent. It feels good too. Like I said, if and when I walk away I want to feel like I did all I could.
Last edited by Living; 02/05/1904:55 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
God knows I’m trying to stand and honor my vows. But the other part of me says...girl you deserve more. But I’m stuck on the vow thing. I take them seriously and don’t want to feel like a quitter.
I struggle with this on the daily - She's moved out, is in an R with OM, and I've effectively cut off any semblance of a friendship. It used to be about being all-in to save the marriage, but at this point it's just to know that I stayed on the moral highroad until the D is final.
Stay strong, go out and do you, and live in integrity to yourself and your values. Whatever side the coin lands on, you will always be able to look back and know you lived up to your own standards.
Thank you so much! I refuse to lower my standards and my values. When I walk away, I’ll be able to hold my head up high.
You stay strong as well. I’m wishing for better days ahead for you.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
It’s good to know that people understand what I’m going through. That’s why I come here because family, although well-meaning, just don’t get it.
I’m sanding firm on my vows. I won’t cheat on my H or do anything that breaks my vows. That’s not who I am as a person. My morals and values are too strong for that.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Well Living I think I speak for all the LBHs on this board that we would kill to have a woman like you!
Awww thanks LH19, the feeling is mutual. I feel the same about some of the H’s I see on the board. I’m not perfect but I love hard and I’m loyal. If my H doesn’t open his eyes...he loss is going to be another mans gain.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
God knows I’m trying to stand and honor my vows. But the other part of me says...girl you deserve more. But I’m stuck on the vow thing. I take them seriously and don’t want to feel like a quitter.
I struggle with this on the daily - She's moved out, is in an R with OM, and I've effectively cut off any semblance of a friendship. It used to be about being all-in to save the marriage, but at this point it's just to know that I stayed on the moral highroad until the D is final.
Stay strong, go out and do you, and live in integrity to yourself and your values. Whatever side the coin lands on, you will always be able to look back and know you lived up to your own standards.
Thank you so much! I refuse to lower my standards and my values. When I walk away, I’ll be able to hold my head up high
Glad to see there are other people in the world who take their wedding vows seriously.
Well Living I think I speak for all the LBHs on this board that we would kill to have a woman like you!
And a few LBWs too
(that was a joke all - but I couldn't resist :))
Haaa!!!! Now I needed that laugh today thanks so much.
Oh and the trip I’m planning for myself is still in the planning phases. I’m researching places as we speak. I’m thinking in will be in May since I want to do something with my S on his spring break, which is in April.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Well Living I think I speak for all the LBHs on this board that we would kill to have a woman like you!
Awww thanks LH19, the feeling is mutual. I feel the same about some of the H’s I see on the board. I’m not perfect but I love hard and I’m loyal. If my H doesn’t open his eyes...he loss is going to be another mans gain.
Thats what i have always lived by , being honest and loyal. I have realized I def have some shortcomings and I acknowledge I am responsibile for some damage I caused in the M but I was always loyal. I will continue that till the end no matter what the W chooses to do.
