I am tickled that you love your job and the people you are working with. True, it was busy last week, but you'll settle in and things will start to slow down just a wee bit for you. As for the goodies on the job...you've got to get stronger and say thanks, but then put those goodies aside. I know your will power will kick in very soon.
As for your D11, I am so sorry that she had to witness her father throwing a glass. The home environment sounds like is going down hill very quickly at times. If I were them, I would make sure that your D11 wasn't in the room or could hear them fighting. That is so bad and immature to do it when she's around. I can understand how she feels. Evidently your daughter feels the need to talk to someone other than her parents at this time. She feels that she would be more comfortable talking to an outside who will listen and not judge her or one parent will judge the other. Definitely find someone that she can talk to and soon.
I am glad you are stepping outside the box and inviting your man over Valentine's night. G, you've come a long way and as you walk your new path, your anxiety over him and the relationship will slowly disappear.
Try to enjoy your week.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so sorry about the stuff with D11. I feel bad that she has to see that sort of behavior from her dad. That must be rough. As far as the starting the yoga and her hating divorce, while those are upsetting to you, I think that they speak to the example you set for her. She's obviously a caring child who feels deeply, much like you are a caring woman who feels deeply. I can see where it would be hard for you to read these things, but at the same time (from an outsider's perspective) these are things that show her compassion and her willingness to deal with things and to help others deal with them. Those are things that will serve her well in adulthood, thanks to you! I agree with what job said above that she is really needing to talk to someone other than you or her dad and you should find someone to let her talk with as soon as possible. You are doing such a fantastic job with her and I think a lot of what is going on now really has more to do with her age and the fact that she's becoming a teenager. Honey, I can tell from experience that teenage girls bring the DRAMA. It just naturally follows them, even when they are not particularly dramatic per se. I can't speak for you or the other ladies on the board, but when I was a teenager, I just don't remember there being so much drama all the time. Of course, I'm old, so there is that. LOL
I'm so thrilled for you for your new job and that things are going well with M. I know what you mean about him being tall and taking up a lot of space in the bed. I'm tall, but Sparky is a good bit taller and he's a bit of a bed hog, so between him and the dog, if I don't go to bed first, there isn't hardly any room for me because the 2 of them are sprawled across the middle....in a king sized bed! LOL You'll get used to it. I have and it is really nice. I think it was a smart move on your part to invite him over for dinner on Valentine's day. I agree that it is a very over-commercialized "holiday" but it still sux when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't even acknowledge it. I don't expect someone to send me some huge expensive bouquet of flowers from the florist, but you could run in Walmart and get a $4 bouquet. LOL Or in our town (and probably many other places) where Dollar General stores are taking over the world because they are popping up at a rate of roughly 3 or 4 new ones every minute or so, you can get a single, long-stemmed red rose for $2. I saw a big bucket of them yesterday and they actually looked nice.
It may not feel like it to you, since you are IN it, but from the outside looking in, you are doing GREAT! You have a good job, bought a nice house for you and D11, are raising D11 well, and have a good man by your side. You are rockin' it!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
She asked me if she could see a therapist. Yes, this is my 11 year old. I am trying to find an alternative to therapy first.
She asked to see a therapist - find her a therapist. A good one. Not many kids this age would ask, I would be worried she's dealing with something bigger than you know. She's a year older than one of my kids when they developed OCD, a year younger than another one when they developed a serious eating disorder. Find a therapist.
There are some things best fixed early and by a pro. Her comments about the situation at her Dad's house show that she recognises what a dysfunctional relationship looks like. She also has you and M getting cozy and has seen you hurt a number of times. Even the happy humper and the frustrations both of you are having could be an issue.
And as kml also said there may be something going on where she needs someone impartial and non judgmental to talk to.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you all for your very thoughtful replies. Dawn, thank you for pointing out the positive. I need a little reassurance sometimes. I am really coming up onto the rough teenage years, and it isn't going to be easy with this one. As far as the therapist..... I truly think she wants one because her new close friend sees one. She practically told me as much. They are under her dads plan, the selection is small and the distance is far and I can't pay out of pocket for one. Of course if my daughter really needed one I would do what I had to do, but not to be like her friends. SHe told me she would like to have a therapist to "make schedules with" so she can organize better. Commedable, but there are other resources for that if she doesn't want it to be me. I told her she should reach out to her guidance counselor for some tips to stay organized in school and to talk about things. I will use resources that are more attainable now while I research what my ex's insurance has to offer to see if it will work. She did ask me randomly last night as we were getting a cookie in the mall after dinner if her dad cheated on me. She is at the age where I can't simply say "this is an adult matter" anymore. She has legit questions. If I tell the truth, I can risk her relationship with her father and stepmother. If I lie, I can risk our relationship for when she finds out the truth. I just don't know what to do. I simply told her this isn't a conversation for right now.
Now, onto My little dilemma with M. Not really a dilemma per say, but a shot of reality. This morning I bought us porter houses and lobster tails and other sides and the girls and I are going to make chocolate covered strawberries. M and I were going to have a nice romantic night. Well, it's bad weather here in and schools were cancelled. His son's daycare was cancelled. It's his night to have his son. His knew his ex was going ot withhold his son, but due to the weather for his sons safety, he gave alternatives. Well, she first said tomorrow when he said sunday if they couldn't exchange before the snow started today. She said Wednesday. Our night together. It upset me a bit at first. But he drops him off at 7:30, so I guess dinner at 8 wouldn't be awful. Then he tells me she lied tp their parent coordinator saying he threatened her if she didn't give him today. Which is an absolute lie. I saw the emails. Now he has to wait on this parent coordinator to make the decision. He is beyond upset, of course, with her lying anad using the kid as a pawn, having the court decide if he could spend an alternative night with the kid, ect. It is a godawful situation and she is truly sick and evil.
I fully realize that this will be my life too. If there is an important even in my life but it's on his parenting day, he will not be able to attend. There is no switching days and he wouldn't even have his mom watch him because he wont give up any time with his son Again, its very honorable. But this will be my life too. I may have my child majority of the time,but we are flexible and I am willing to get a sitter. I realize it's going to be rough with the baby momma drama. He may not be able to show up for things that are important to me, and I have to just deal.
And that's when you realize you love someone, I guess. When you accept this stuff. Because I do accept it and I won't run from it. I also realize it is possible to be personally disappointed but understanding at the same time.
Look on the bright side - dinner at 8 gives you time to clean up the kitchen mess and get all gussied up before he gets there. It'll be perfect!
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She did ask me randomly last night as we were getting a cookie in the mall after dinner if her dad cheated on me. She is at the age where I can't simply say "this is an adult matter" anymore. She has legit questions. If I tell the truth, I can risk her relationship with her father and stepmother. If I lie, I can risk our relationship for when she finds out the truth. I just don't know what to do. I simply told her this isn't a conversation for right now.
This might not be random - maybe THIS is the real reason she wants to speak to a counselor.
Normally I would say an 11 year old is still young enough to say "this is an adult matter". But she is wise beyond her years in some ways. I really don't know how you should answer this. It definitely could adversely affect her relationship with her father and stepmom; on the other hand, maybe she already knows something if she's been listening to them fight? Whatever you say, I wouldn't lie to her. I think it's reasonable to keep saying it's an adult matter, but if you do say something about it, I'd soften it as much as possible. "Your dad and I were young, it was a difficult time but we're over it now, what's most important is that we both love you very much" kind of stuff.
Maybe start by asking why SHE is asking? Sometimes we think kids are asking for more info than they really are. Or maybe by her responding to this question something important will come out (like" I'm asking because stepmom said he was a jerk for lying to her about not being married when they started dating" - as I said, the cat might be out of the bag- or it might just be "I wondered because I was so little when you separated" or "I found your diary" or who knows?).
I don't know if I'm right or wrong about my answer but it came to me right away and I am willing to stand behind it unless someone else has a reason not to. Without hesitation I'd say "I think you really need to ask your dad that question." I mean she's not asking if YOU cheated. She's asking about what one one else may have done. Just in general unless that person is dead or not able to answer it's always best to go to the person in question - right? Now if you are going to say shes afraid of her dad - well that's a whole other issue now isn't it. You could even agree to be there for a family discussion - just the three of you. If nothing else it totally gets you off the hook. I realize getting off the hook is not your goal but you don't have to lie, don't have to say she's too young. This is really a good life lesson. If she wants to know the truth about pretty much anyone, the authority on that truth lies with the person in question.
Now the M issue. I don't think this has to be or even should be a deal breaker. However my concern, well my first concern, is you are often very willing, perhaps too willing to overlook things. Whether it be an out of shape guy with ED or a guy unwilling to sleep with you fully or drive to where you live or make an effort or on and on. You will regret always being placed second, or third, or forth. Now and then you deserve to come first. Most certainly not all of the time, maybe not even half the time, but for sure some of the time. I'd be very concerned if you really think his son will ALWAYS come first. I'm not talking for this Wednesday but down the road. Is M really this ridged?
My other concern is larger. There is something more here. You are not getting the entire truth. Is his ex really the devil incarnate? Can she or anyone really be this bad? Is she really sick and evil? The truth is nearly always somewhere in the middle and I think that's the case with M. But let's say it's not. Let's just say she is one of the worst woman on this earth. What does that say about M that he married her? Not a good vote of confidence. But I seem to remember there are legal or police reports about this as well - right? Oh but these were fabricated and totally false? Again the truth is likely in the middle.
I don't know this guy from Adam I just know in general anytime I've heard that the guy (or the girl) really was screwed over and the other person was really evil, it later comes out the first person was not the angel they tried to portray. On balance she may be far worse than him. I tend to think that's likely but I also think you need to not brush off things as quickly as you may. I know that's hard. I know you like or maybe even love this guy and it would stink to find out he's not what you thought. Just don't dismiss the possibility. Anyone who seems too good to be true often is. We all have flaws and even half the things my exW would complain about me others I've dated would agree to be true. It might even be good to hear her side of the story. There are always two sides. If she really is this whacked why in earth did he marry her? Otherwise what did he do to make her this whacked? It's one of the two.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Im gonna post here cause i keep hijacking josephs thread....its a federal law that if you have primary custody you can declare daughter every year (unless you specified differently in decree) if a judge rules differently it becomes a whole state vs federal issue that the family courts dont have time for and probably wont win. I brought this up to my 500 dollar an hour lawyer who brought it up to the partner and I was right. My ex was pissed.
M and I had our V day dinner last night. He did show up with a dozen red roses and a card attached. I didn't open my card until after dinner. Here is what it read:
What the card read, written by the card company.
I needed ya. I got ya. I'm keeping ya. I love ya
Then he wrote the sweetest thing and in it he said "I hope to spend many more Valenine's days with you.
A whole lot of wow, right? He told me he loved me in that card and told me he is committed to me.
I responded like an idiot. My heart was bursting with love, but I didn't say it right away. I did have tears and go over and kiss him to death. It took me an hour to say "I love you" I was almost wondering if maybe he wasn't trying t say it, because I didn't hear the words out of his mouth? But I did, I looked him right in the eyes eventually and said "I love you" and he said " I love you too"
SO here is why I didn't act like a completely normal person. After the ex and I were dating 2 years and he never said I love you, he finally did.....Via my Valentine card. So it was a little strange.
I hope I didn't ruin it by being too awkward. When he left this morning, I said " I love the flowers, I love the card, and I love you" He did respond I love you too.
I'm a little crazier than I thought I was. I have fear around saying it, but not doing it. My ex and exNG are the only ones who have ever said it to me. Ex NG actually took it back. I don't want M to take it back, because even though I am crazy awkward when I say it, I sure as heck mean it and I never loved anyone the way I love him.
Even though I am such a weirdo, I can't stop smiling. Because I can't wait to see what the future brings us either.
Im gonna post here cause i keep hijacking josephs thread....its a federal law that if you have primary custody you can declare daughter every year (unless you specified differently in decree) if a judge rules differently it becomes a whole state vs federal issue that the family courts dont have time for and probably wont win. I brought this up to my 500 dollar an hour lawyer who brought it up to the partner and I was right. My ex was pissed.
Thank Juju, unfortunately, we have joint custody with me being the primary custodial parent, or however it is worded. I went to another lawyer and my accountant and this is what they told me. His child support "equals us out" since it considers custody percentage.
