Still in Limbo

[ovrrnbw]

I hate to be sounding like your dad, but this is why R talks aren't recommended.

If you're going to go dark on him, be consistent. I think the hotel will give you some space. You obviously have a tough time operating in this situation.

I told him I’m tired and that this isn’t what I wanted for my M. I ran down all the ways he’s been selfish and disrespected me. I told him I don’t think I have any fight left in me. I told him that I feel like he’s slowly killing our M. I know stupid thing to say.

Of course you're tired. But you did the classic rip on someone. Well, I'm sure there are things in the marriage you could have done better too. Use his actions to fuel your detachment.

It seems like just a bit ago you were strong and still fighting, what changed?

Also, I'd recommend more work on detachment. Your emotions are still very tied to him and his actions. He's not going to act the way you want for now, maybe ever.

[bubbs16]

(((Living))). Those talks really, really s#ck. My H pretty much yelled at me that he wants to be divorced by the summer because he wants to date [guilt free] and not have this “hanging over his head”. Thirteen years together... now just something hanging over his head that he needs to rid himself of. It hurts beyond belief.

Yes...you have to pick yourself up. Same game plan. Nothing has changed except that you had an R talk when he is clearly in the same frame of mind that he was at BD. You don’t know how this is going to end up but you do know that nothing is going to change overnight. You have done really well with the 180s but it seems like you have done them in order to get your H to change his mind instead of doing them for you. Ultimately, of course, you would like to save your marriage but the only chance you have to do that is to let him go. Give him space and time. Get busy. Get out of the house... a lot. Stop worrying about and wondering what he is thinking or doing. Treat him like he is your roommate. Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. Don’t ask questions that you may not want the answer to. When/if his feelings start to change, you will know it. Until then, live life for you and your S. Right now it is going to take a lot of effort and you aren’t going to feel like doing it. It will get easier, I promise. (((HUGS)))

Thank you DejaVu6, I appreciate it. I will be honest I did do the 180’s for myself to give myself the satisfaction of knowing I tried. I still feel good about the progress I’ve made. Perhaps like I said upthread, his loss will be another persons gain. My H no longer deserves me. He is selfish and only thinking of himself.

I was doing so well and then for some reason this still hit me like a ton of bricks hearing this crap again. I told him he didn’t deserve me and I hope that he lives to regret what he’s done to me. I know all the wrong things to say but again, I just couldn’t hold back. But the truth is he doesn’t deserve me. I’ve been a good and loyal wife and he doesn’t find that hard to walk away from. I told him there’s going to come a time in life that he’s going to wish that he had a woman like me and she won’t be there. He tells me I’m not going to wish bad on you like that because I want you to be happy. Really, really dude?

I know I will get through this but today totally [censored]. Here I am another sleepless night. But I have got to pick myself up and figure out my next move for me and my S. Because I’m not staying with this dude. He refuses to leave this house. I’ve got to gather my thoughts, which will take a couple of days but I’m going back to see the lawyer.

Sorry to hear about your sitch, how can people be so cruel to those who love them?

Its cause they are in the relief stage. They have finally done it , broke up with you. They are relieved in control and not in a loss like the lbs is . Like everyone on here says they are reading from a script , etc. We almost all hear the same things come out of our spouses mouths. It really is amazing to me they all say the exact same things. I do believe we lbs's are in a loss we have just lost something and feel the pain. They do not really feel the pain cause they wanted to do it just needed to make it happen. Like others say unfortunately for us they need to experience the loss stge and that could take awhile, if ever. They are the prize and we arent the prize anymore. I still agree though it hurts so bad to think they can do this to us. Its like you would never ever think it would be possible for them to be so mean and cruel.

[Living]

I hate to be sounding like your dad, but this is why R talks aren't recommended.

If you're going to go dark on him, be consistent. I think the hotel will give you some space. You obviously have a tough time operating in this situation.

I told him I’m tired and that this isn’t what I wanted for my M. I ran down all the ways he’s been selfish and disrespected me. I told him I don’t think I have any fight left in me. I told him that I feel like he’s slowly killing our M. I know stupid thing to say.

Of course you're tired. But you did the classic rip on someone. Well, I'm sure there are things in the marriage you could have done better too. Use his actions to fuel your detachment.

It seems like just a bit ago you were strong and still fighting, what changed?

Also, I'd recommend more work on detachment. Your emotions are still very tied to him and his actions. He's not going to act the way you want for now, maybe ever.

Ovrrnbw, it's ok to sound like my dad. I appreciate the tough love.

I know R talks are not recommended. I know I should have never had that talk with him. It just happened, it was like I couldn't control myself.

I agree with the hotel being a good idea and yes I struggle with this situation. Some days I'm all game face on and then other days, I miss my H. I miss our M. I feel like internally I am still holding on to hope. However, I think that holding on to hope causes me to act in certain ways. It's just hard.

Of course, there are things in the marriage I could have done too. However, my H kept all the problems he had with the marriage in. He went out and cheated, I found out, and that's when I heard the whole...I'm not happy, I love you but I am not in love with you, I am not attracted to you, I just don't have it for you and this marriage anymore. After he said those things to me, I asked where I went wrong. He told me some things and I immediately went to work on those things and I went to work on trying to save my marriage. This was before I found this forum. So I'm not trying to play perfect Patty. I am just being honest when I say, I went to work on my M and my H didn't. Trust me, nothing would make me happier than if he would have at least showed up and gave it an honest effort.

I was strong and you know what happened? I let him get to me. I let him tell me he loved me and show me affection and I drank the kool-aid. He started to act like my H in some ways and that gave me hope.

You are 100% correct in that my emotions are still tied to him. I will own that totally. I am still too invested in him and his feelings. I'm his wife and I love him so much. But I can't make him love me the way I love him. I also can't make someone stay with me who wants out. That is why I am tired.

I don't think he will ever act the way a man that respects the union of M again. I could be wrong but I just think the guys doesn't want to be tied down in a M anymore.

[Living]

(((Living))). Those talks really, really s#ck. My H pretty much yelled at me that he wants to be divorced by the summer because he wants to date [guilt free] and not have this “hanging over his head”. Thirteen years together... now just something hanging over his head that he needs to rid himself of. It hurts beyond belief.

Yes...you have to pick yourself up. Same game plan. Nothing has changed except that you had an R talk when he is clearly in the same frame of mind that he was at BD. You don’t know how this is going to end up but you do know that nothing is going to change overnight. You have done really well with the 180s but it seems like you have done them in order to get your H to change his mind instead of doing them for you. Ultimately, of course, you would like to save your marriage but the only chance you have to do that is to let him go. Give him space and time. Get busy. Get out of the house... a lot. Stop worrying about and wondering what he is thinking or doing. Treat him like he is your roommate. Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. Don’t ask questions that you may not want the answer to. When/if his feelings start to change, you will know it. Until then, live life for you and your S. Right now it is going to take a lot of effort and you aren’t going to feel like doing it. It will get easier, I promise. (((HUGS)))

Thank you DejaVu6, I appreciate it. I will be honest I did do the 180’s for myself to give myself the satisfaction of knowing I tried. I still feel good about the progress I’ve made. Perhaps like I said upthread, his loss will be another persons gain. My H no longer deserves me. He is selfish and only thinking of himself.

I was doing so well and then for some reason this still hit me like a ton of bricks hearing this crap again. I told him he didn’t deserve me and I hope that he lives to regret what he’s done to me. I know all the wrong things to say but again, I just couldn’t hold back. But the truth is he doesn’t deserve me. I’ve been a good and loyal wife and he doesn’t find that hard to walk away from. I told him there’s going to come a time in life that he’s going to wish that he had a woman like me and she won’t be there. He tells me I’m not going to wish bad on you like that because I want you to be happy. Really, really dude?

I know I will get through this but today totally [censored]. Here I am another sleepless night. But I have got to pick myself up and figure out my next move for me and my S. Because I’m not staying with this dude. He refuses to leave this house. I’ve got to gather my thoughts, which will take a couple of days but I’m going back to see the lawyer.

Sorry to hear about your sitch, how can people be so cruel to those who love them?

Its cause they are in the relief stage. They have finally done it , broke up with you. They are relieved in control and not in a loss like the lbs is . Like everyone on here says they are reading from a script , etc. We almost all hear the same things come out of our spouses mouths. It really is amazing to me they all say the exact same things. I do believe we lbs's are in a loss we have just lost something and feel the pain. They do not really feel the pain cause they wanted to do it just needed to make it happen. Like others say unfortunately for us they need to experience the loss stge and that could take awhile, if ever. They are the prize and we arent the prize anymore. I still agree though it hurts so bad to think they can do this to us. Its like you would never ever think it would be possible for them to be so mean and cruel.

All of this! I will never understand how he got to this place. Never. I don't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I know I need to regroup and figure out my next move. I messed up and now I need to dig my way out of this horrible feeling again. It is like morning the same death over and over and over again.

[bubbs16]

(((Living))). Those talks really, really s#ck. My H pretty much yelled at me that he wants to be divorced by the summer because he wants to date [guilt free] and not have this “hanging over his head”. Thirteen years together... now just something hanging over his head that he needs to rid himself of. It hurts beyond belief.

Yes...you have to pick yourself up. Same game plan. Nothing has changed except that you had an R talk when he is clearly in the same frame of mind that he was at BD. You don’t know how this is going to end up but you do know that nothing is going to change overnight. You have done really well with the 180s but it seems like you have done them in order to get your H to change his mind instead of doing them for you. Ultimately, of course, you would like to save your marriage but the only chance you have to do that is to let him go. Give him space and time. Get busy. Get out of the house... a lot. Stop worrying about and wondering what he is thinking or doing. Treat him like he is your roommate. Take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. Don’t ask questions that you may not want the answer to. When/if his feelings start to change, you will know it. Until then, live life for you and your S. Right now it is going to take a lot of effort and you aren’t going to feel like doing it. It will get easier, I promise. (((HUGS)))

Thank you DejaVu6, I appreciate it. I will be honest I did do the 180’s for myself to give myself the satisfaction of knowing I tried. I still feel good about the progress I’ve made. Perhaps like I said upthread, his loss will be another persons gain. My H no longer deserves me. He is selfish and only thinking of himself.

I was doing so well and then for some reason this still hit me like a ton of bricks hearing this crap again. I told him he didn’t deserve me and I hope that he lives to regret what he’s done to me. I know all the wrong things to say but again, I just couldn’t hold back. But the truth is he doesn’t deserve me. I’ve been a good and loyal wife and he doesn’t find that hard to walk away from. I told him there’s going to come a time in life that he’s going to wish that he had a woman like me and she won’t be there. He tells me I’m not going to wish bad on you like that because I want you to be happy. Really, really dude?

I know I will get through this but today totally [censored]. Here I am another sleepless night. But I have got to pick myself up and figure out my next move for me and my S. Because I’m not staying with this dude. He refuses to leave this house. I’ve got to gather my thoughts, which will take a couple of days but I’m going back to see the lawyer.

Sorry to hear about your sitch, how can people be so cruel to those who love them?

Its cause they are in the relief stage. They have finally done it , broke up with you. They are relieved in control and not in a loss like the lbs is . Like everyone on here says they are reading from a script , etc. We almost all hear the same things come out of our spouses mouths. It really is amazing to me they all say the exact same things. I do believe we lbs's are in a loss we have just lost something and feel the pain. They do not really feel the pain cause they wanted to do it just needed to make it happen. Like others say unfortunately for us they need to experience the loss stge and that could take awhile, if ever. They are the prize and we arent the prize anymore. I still agree though it hurts so bad to think they can do this to us. Its like you would never ever think it would be possible for them to be so mean and cruel.

All of this! I will never understand how he got to this place. Never. I don't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I know I need to regroup and figure out my next move. I messed up and now I need to dig my way out of this horrible feeling again. It is like morning the same death over and over and over again.

I say that all the time. I would never wish this on anyone. NO ONE

[LH19]

L,

To be honest with you I don't think anything has changed other then they you may have been secretly getting your hopes up that he may be having second thoughts.

The truth of the matter is that from all my time here and things I read is that they have go through the process to see for themselves that what they are looking for is just a fantasy. For them to stay out of loyalty, for the kids, religion etc they will always have the fantasy in the back of their minds. Time and space is the only way these things turn around long-term.

The sad part is that by the time the WW says "holy $hit" what did I do, it is usually too late because the LBS moved on with or w/o someone else.

I think getting away for the weekend is a great idea. Don't tell him where you are going.

You will survive this I promise you!

[Living]

L,

To be honest with you I don't think anything has changed other then they you may have been secretly getting your hopes up that he may be having second thoughts.

The truth of the matter is that from all my time here and things I read is that they have go through the process to see for themselves that what they are looking for is just a fantasy. For them to stay out of loyalty, for the kids, religion etc they will always have the fantasy in the back of their minds. Time and space is the only way these things turn around long-term.

The sad part is that by the time the WW says "holy $hit" what did I do, it is usually too late because the LBS moved on with or w/o someone else.

I think getting away for the weekend is a great idea. Don't tell him where you are going.

You will survive this I promise you!

Thank you LH19, I really appreciate it. Yes, I was stupid enough to get my hopes up. How foolish. I know I will survive this, I just have to get focused and stay consistent. I have to stop letting him pull me back on his dysfunctional roller coaster ride.

Oh and trust me, I don't plan to tell him where I am going this weekend. If everything works out, I will be gone before he gets home from work.

[AnotherStander]

To be honest with you I don't think anything has changed other then they you may have been secretly getting your hopes up that he may be having second thoughts.

I was going to say the same thing. Nothing changed at all, he was already "done" with the M so there was no new revelation in this R talk at all. Every R talk that the LBS initiates is really just a temperature check. It's the LBS saying "have you changed your mind yet?" But no, they have not changed their mind. If they do then you won't have to ask them about it because THEY will make it clear to YOU that they've decided they want the M.

And that aside, everything he says is just a reflection of how he feels in that particular moment anyway. He was done yesterday, he's done today. That doesn't mean he's done tomorrow or next month or next year. This happens all the time where the WAS is absolutely adamant they are done and they say so over and over again. Right up until the LBS finally let's go and then suddenly the WAS isn't so sure.

[Living]

To be honest with you I don't think anything has changed other then they you may have been secretly getting your hopes up that he may be having second thoughts.

I was going to say the same thing. Nothing changed at all, he was already "done" with the M so there was no new revelation in this R talk at all. Every R talk that the LBS initiates is really just a temperature check. It's the LBS saying "have you changed your mind yet?" But no, they have not changed their mind. If they do then you won't have to ask them about it because THEY will make it clear to YOU that they've decided they want the M.

And that aside, everything he says is just a reflection of how he feels in that particular moment anyway. He was done yesterday, he's done today. That doesn't mean he's done tomorrow or next month or next year. This happens all the time where the WAS is absolutely adamant they are done and they say so over and over again. Right up until the LBS finally let's go and then suddenly the WAS isn't so sure.

You all are correct. He never once said he wanted the M. Just that he loves me, is going through something, is confused, misses me, can't understand how I can just cut him off, blah blah blah. He has said all kind of crap...he wants out of the M but isn't sure if he wants a D.

But I get it, I took the words that he was saying and turned them into hope for our M. Bad idea!


I guess I have to start all over with the detachment and going dark again. I can't bear to go through this emotional pain again so this time I have to be consistent. Time to truly work on letting go. I thought I had done that and I was on the right path but I let him pull me back in. That is my fault, not his.

[Living]

Honestly, though I have got to get away from him this weekend. I know that as soon as I get home from job # 2 tonight he will try to start some small talk. How was your day...blah blah blah.

I am angry now so it's hard to be friendly. So I need a break from him so I can regroup and get back in a healthy head space because right now anything he says to me makes me want to smack the taste out of his mouth. I am not violent and won't do that but I visualize it.

So when I get home tonight, I am not talking to him. I need to avoid him. I will check in with my son, and retreat to my office or bedroom.