Still in Limbo

[Yail]

Living - take good care of yourself the next few days. Find whatever small (healthy) thing brings you comfort and go towards that. I binged watch my "happy place" tv shows and movies (Harry Potter/The Crown/Call The Midwives). Find something that will suck you in but not bring you to a negative space.

Force yourself to eat some light foods if you have no appetite. Force yourself to stay hydrated (tea?). Read something that brings you to a happy safe place especially if you can't sleep.

Only drink alcohol if you are confident in yourself that you won't over indulge. I occasionally have one to take the edge off, but now never have more than 1 if I'm feeling emotional.

It's okay to bring your energy level way down out of self protection for the short term. I know everyone says GAL and that's very true. But sometimes you need a few days of emotional crisis control.

I'm sure your head is spinning. Do not tell yourself that you need to make any decisions or force yourself to feel one thing or another. You can change your mind how you feel on any given moment and that is fair.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to tell you what to do. My intent is to give you as soft a landing as possible in case your brain is on such over-load that you can't process. I'm wanting to simply guide you to a safe place so you don't have to worry about next steps.

You have a lot of people thinking about you.

[Yail]

I have read amyc mlc page but im not sure i have ever read wonkas. where is it ?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&id=6672&view=started&page=2

Bubbs, this should bring you to Wonka's threads. She wrote the validation and boundaries threads that are at the top of the Newcomers page. If you're interested in her MLC recount, I'd suggest reading "Voyage into the mind of a MLCer" (title might be wrong). She answers questions about how she was feeling while going through her own process.

Sorry for the hijack Living.

[Living]

Living - take good care of yourself the next few days. Find whatever small (healthy) thing brings you comfort and go towards that. I binged watch my "happy place" tv shows and movies (Harry Potter/The Crown/Call The Midwives). Find something that will suck you in but not bring you to a negative space.

Force yourself to eat some light foods if you have no appetite. Force yourself to stay hydrated (tea?). Read something that brings you to a happy safe place especially if you can't sleep.

Only drink alcohol if you are confident in yourself that you won't over indulge. I occasionally have one to take the edge off, but now never have more than 1 if I'm feeling emotional.

It's okay to bring your energy level way down out of self protection for the short term. I know everyone says GAL and that's very true. But sometimes you need a few days of emotional crisis control.

I'm sure your head is spinning. Do not tell yourself that you need to make any decisions or force yourself to feel one thing or another. You can change your mind how you feel on any given moment and that is fair.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to tell you what to do. My intent is to give you as soft a landing as possible in case your brain is on such over-load that you can't process. I'm wanting to simply guide you to a safe place so you don't have to worry about next steps.

You have a lot of people thinking about you.

Thank you Yail, you are awesome. No apologies necessary, I appreciate all your advice. I’m going to take it too. I’m going to spend some time and quiet the noise and allow my mind to get back in a better place. Today is bad but I’m confident things will get better in the coming days. I just need to sit still, pray, and really listen to God’s voice.

Also no apologies nexsssary for the thread recommendation to Bubbs16. I hope it helps him and I’m heading over to read it myself.

THANK YOU to everyone that has chimed in on my thread yesterday and today. I appreciate you all more than you know. I don’t know whew I would be without this forum. There is no one in my life that I can share the things with I share here without some judgement. You guys and gals are truly the best. I’m exhausted (only got 2 and half hours of sleep last night) but I can already feel my mind slowing down. Thank God!

[Ready2Change]

Hi girl,


I am sure your thoughts are going a million miles an hour. Learning to thought stop help get to sleep. I also got some meds from my doc during my sitch. I would take a pill. 30 minutes later be out. 8 hours later I would wake up. Might consider this temp path if no sleep continues.


Whenever you catch your thoughts spinning or need a break. Tell yourself, I will deal with that tomorrow. Counting backwards from 100 by 3's was my way of getting to sleep.

It will get better and you can handle this.

HUGS

[Living]

Ready2Change,

Thank you, I appreciate it. I woke up this morning still in some pain. I have a medical condition where stress causes my body physical pain. So I know I have to get it together and be kind to my body.

I know what I’m about to say is nuts. I know I will never get it but I just can’t understand how a man can come up behind you and kiss you on the neck, tell you he loves you, but an hour later say to you (during the forbidden R talk) that it’s just not there anymore. I’m not sure what he means when he says that it’s just not there anymore. I think he’s referring to the marriage. Maybe his desire to stay married, his comittment to the marriage. I’m not sure. It’s hard for me to believe the just not there is in reference to his feelings for me. But maybe that’s what he means.

But I’ve decided that I’m not going to stay with someone who says to me it just isn’t there anymore. I can’t make someone love me and I can’t force someone to stay with me. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.

So my goal for the next couple of weeks is to one get my mind right and two come up with a game plan for the next chapter of my life. I also have to get myself to accept that my H is no longer the man I married. That he is no longer that knight in shining armor that was always there for me. He’s no longer my partner, my confidant, my dear friend. I have to start accepting him for who he truly is now.

I have to once and for all LET HIM GO. I also have to let go of the dreams of the life we planned for our future. I have to accept that I will have a future but it will look different than we’ve been planning. I know some day the sun will shine and life will go on. But I have some very big pills to swallow.

Truth is my H has had lots of time to prepare for his life after me. Since I was blindsided by his BD, I haven’t had the time to prepare for life after him. He’s the one that makes the most money and financially he will be fine. Me on the other hand, I’ve got to figure out how I’m going to financially support my S and myself. The silver lining in this is that he met me I was a single mother of 2, doing it all on my own. So I’ve been in that place before. Thank God my son is older now.

IMO my H has made his mind up. Sure it could be one of the biggest mistakes he makes in his life. But it’s his mistake to make. He has always been one to have to learn things the hard way. One day he may regret letting me go. But he can’t see that in his current mental state.

I think him coming up with the idea that we stay in the house together is so that things can be better on him financially. He wants to make it seem like he’s trying to do the right thing but I think he’s trying to do the right thing for himself.

He went from I’m moving out to I’ve decided it doesn’t make sense financially for me to move out.

So he’s stays

I detach

he peruses me like I bandit

being stupid I give in and drink his kool-aid

He’s happy again and why shouldn’t he be he’s successfully pulled me back on is roller coaster ride. He must feel on top of the world. He gets to fire me as his wife, sleep in another room, but still get the benefits of having a wife (the same wife he claims to no longer have it for).

I have successfully become his door mat.

And typing all that up is my first step in admitting that I’ve been a big a22 fool. This is what I need to deal with and work on!

[Hurt213]

L,

You are kind, you have insight, you are beautiful, and I type all of this, without having ever, and will most likely never cross paths with you in real life.

You say you will never get, how a person can act like your husband has, and still is. Well, you are right, because only he can justify his behavior and his reasons - and you know what, that is a bloody hard thing to realize, because if he thinks its right, then, its right, and nobody can or should convince him otherwise - the world doesn't work that way even though we all wish it did from time to time.

One thing stepped out to me, in your last entry here. and I think maybe, that is because you made it in capitol letters. LET GO, thats right. That is basically all you can do, and should do. Doormats are 2 bucks in the nearest wallmart, and you girl, you are priceless, so dont be that doormat.

Let him live his life, while you find yourself. Let him sort out the mess he is, and do not partake in that journey. Listen to him, try to understand his perspective, but do so, with a very rationel mindset - dont trust his words, validate them but let them pass, and let his actions speak for him, and its pretty clear that his words and actions have not been going in the same direction - which is why we just validate, but believe only half of what they say.

Sort out your life, you sound so strong, but you need to stop being the victim. He hurt you, dear. He hurt you bad. But you know what, get up, make a list of what needs to happen for you RIGHT now, in order to not depend on him for anything, in order for you to be in a state, where you are in control of you, that will empower you greatly. Start working on that list. Set up deadlines, because that will keep you focused on completing those goals, instead of sliding back when emotions kick in, and you feel sad, hurt and like the world is too much.

Be that independant woman, who takes charge, who creates a life for you and your family (f... him for now, NO not literally) - and then he will see in time, that you are who we all see, a special, kind, and loving woman who deserves someone who appreciates all your qualities.

Maybe that will knock him off the rails, and realize what he lost, and maybe, you dont care by then. If you do, then you have an entirely new view on your life, and you will be able to rationalize by then, if he is really worth betting on. I am sure, a lot would have to change when you are at that place in time.

Hugs!

[Living]

Living,

You are kind, you have insight, you are beautiful, and I type all of this, without having ever, and will most likely never cross paths with you in real life.

Thank you for saying that, I needed to hear that.

You say you will never get, how a person can act like your husband has, and still is. Well, you are right, because only he can justify his behavior and his reasons - and you know what, that is a bloody hard thing to realize, because if he thinks its right, then, its right, and nobody can or should convince him otherwise - the world doesn't work that way even though we all wish it did from time to time.

It’s a hard thing to realize in deed. But it is what it is.

One thing stepped out to me, in your last entry here. and I think maybe, that is because you made it in capitol letters. LET GO, thats right. That is basically all you can do, and should do. Doormats are 2 bucks in the nearest wallmart, and you girl, you are priceless, so dont be that doormat.

They say the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. I can admit that I never let him go. I was on that path but again, I let him pull me back into his chaos. Clarity is a beautiful thing. After a good nights rest, I can see where I made mistakes in this DB process. So I will start again, no shame in that.

Let him live his life, while you find yourself. Let him sort out the mess he is, and do not partake in that journey. Listen to him, try to understand his perspective, but do so, with a very rationel mindset - dont trust his words, validate them but let them pass, and let his actions speak for him, and its pretty clear that his words and actions have not been going in the same direction - which is why we just validate, but believe only half of what they say.

Will do.

Sort out your life, you sound so strong, but you need to stop being the victim. He hurt you, dear. He hurt you bad. But you know what, get up, make a list of what needs to happen for you RIGHT now, in order to not depend on him for anything, in order for you to be in a state, where you are in control of you, that will empower you greatly. Start working on that list. Set up deadlines, because that will keep you focused on completing those goals, instead of sliding back when emotions kick in, and you feel sad, hurt and like the world is too much.

It’s funny that you said all of this becusse a dear friend gave me the exact same advice yesterday. This is what I intend on doing while I’m away this weekend.

Be that independant woman, who takes charge, who creates a life for you and your family (f... him for now, NO not literally) - and then he will see in time, that you are who we all see, a special, kind, and loving woman who deserves someone who appreciates all your qualities.

Thank you for this statement. That’s who I have to get back to. That’s where my focus needs to be. I can honestly say I’ve been way too focused on him. Focused on his depression, focusesed on his feelings, etc. Guess who he’s focused on...him. Time for me to do the same.

Maybe that will knock him off the rails, and realize what he lost, and maybe, you dont care by then. If you do, then you have an entirely new view on your life, and you will be able to rationalize by then, if he is really worth betting on. I am sure, a lot would have to change when you are at that place in time.

When I get to this point, he won’t stand a chance. I know myself. I love and I love hard. I’m loyal and I’ll give it all that I can. But when I finally get to that point where I’m done, I’M DONE.

If after I’ve reached this point, he comes back and admits he made a mistake...I’ll listen to him, accept his apology, forgive him, and wish him well. However, we will have reached the point of no return. A person can only take so much.

Again, thank you for all the amazing advice and the kind words. Inside me is a warrior, I just have to release her from her cage. I’ve been through a lot in life and one thing that I can say is I’m a survivor...an overcomer.

Hugs!

[LH19]

I’m not sure what he means when he says that it’s just not there anymore.

Living I am speculating here but I am guessing he means he is not getting the same feeling from the marriage that he go when he had an affair. Affairs are secretive, "exciting" etc they release dopamine. The thing is that feeling doesn't last.

There was a poster on here who ended it with his W after a second affair. The last I read she was still single because dating for her wasn't as exciting as having an affair.

The problem is your H's head is too far up his a$$ to see that right now. I would venture to bet he truly believes you will always be there to catch him if this blows up in his face.

[Living]

I’m not sure what he means when he says that it’s just not there anymore.

I Living I am speculating here but I am guessing he means he is not getting the same feeling from the marriage that he go when he had an affair. Affairs are secretive, "exciting" etc they release dopamine. The thing is that feeling doesn't last.

I don’t think he is 100 percent sure what he means by that. So I guess I can’t expect to understand what he means. I take it to mean that he’s bored with this M, he doesn’t have it in him to be a H anymore, he loves me but... He wants to have the freedom to do what he wants and not have to answer to anyone or be held accountable. That’s how I take it. I have no doubt he loved the excitement and secretive behavior of the affair. He wants me to believe that he feels terrible about it (and maybe he does) and that he was relieved when I found out about it because he didn’t have to lie and sneak anymore.

The truth is he is all over the place. He’s bored. He’s tired of the routine of M. He’s tired of the routine of driving the same way home from work each day. He’s unhappy and he’s looking for happiness anywhere he thinks he may find it. He’s bored and in his words lost. He bought a new truck and that made him happy. He’s going on his guys gone wild trip and that will make him happy. We all know that the gratification he will get from the truck and trip will only be temporary. The problem is he doesn’t know that.

He’s on the pursuit of happiness. Problem is he’s too deep in the tunnel to realize that happiness can’t be traveled to, owned, or bought...it comes from within. It’s a feeling of inner peace and gratitude. Until he makes that connection, if he ever does, he wlll remain in pursuit.

There was a poster on here who ended it with his W after a second affair. The last I read she was still single because dating for her wasn't as exciting as having an affair.

Wow! I’m sure my H will be the same. He’ll be from one relationship to the next.

The problem is your H's head is too far up his a$$ to see that right now. I would venture to bet he truly believes you will always be there to catch him if this blows up in his face.

True because guess who has been there for him through the good, bad, ups, and downs for the past 13 years. Yeah, ME.

As I said up thread, he’s had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way in life. He is stubborn and doesn’t listen. So I can’t save him, he has to go on his journey and learn for himself.

It’s sort of like with my grown children. Sometimes I try to keep them from making mistakes. I talk to them and I can tell when they aren’t listening. I step back and realize that I have to give them freedom to make their mistakes. Now with my kids they always come back and say mom, you were right. All I do is smile and give them a big hug. With my H he’s like a rebellious teen right now. Nothing I can do but let this dude do him.

I just have to focus on me and my youngest S.

And FYI, he is already in pursuit. He has called and text me several times this morning.

[Ready2Change]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=44595&Number=1852615#Post1852615

To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.

How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.