staying the course

[lost8]

Hey Adam,
Working out has been good. I have found that as long as I maintain a schedule and workout everyday I don't fall back into old patterns.

Fortunately I have equipment at home and just do 20-30 minutes of weights...I might mix in cardio but at this stage in my life I like where I am at and actually dont want to lose much more in size.

The diet part takes work man...you can do it. The road to a healthy body is 80-90% diet...I know it's hard but if you stick to a plan and workout regularly you can have cheat days. I eat fairly well 5 days a week and what I want the other 2 days...in moderation though.

Let me know if you need any ideas for diet etc.

Ws sitch is what it is, yeah maybe a light goes off....just like it went on 8 or 9 months ago and threw her into this frenzy of low self esteem, need for recognition etc. Just not sure if that is the solution because she could easily slip back into the bad pattern again. She has to address underlying issues causing her depression.

I really only have about a 1.5 years left until son can drive, then I would be comfortable moving on because I would know that he would be getting to and from school on his own and not having to rely on an unreliable mother if he chose to live there.

I said it before, there should be a way we could all meet up in local areas, as this interaction would help us so much more than being online, but I get it these sites generate money!

[AnotherStander]

Honestly...W has been asking me to spend time with her, I'm not expecting too much. She is extremely depressed, doesn't like any aspect of her life...work, past deeds, financial sitch, etc. Does not feel need to address past sexual abuse with IC anymore, sees it useless. Has not been doing anything outside of house unless with me.

Interesting. Sorry for not being up on your sitch but are you still in an IHS basically? Has there been any talk of recon, or is she just content with "status quo" for now?

W has begun contributing financially back to the household after about 6 or 7 months of $0 so I am good with that.

Was she squirreling away money during that time? That's interesting as well, sounds like she's planning on staying so no longer feels the need to save for her "escape".

Not sure where this is going, W has expressed love for me, shown affection, looked forward to future but to this point has not felt or shown the remorse or taken steps to address what was actually done to be able to move forward.

Well DB'ing is often about the baby steps. You don't always see big moves where the WAS breaks down and apologizes and is full of remorse. Often they come back in stages. And you are definitely seeing baby steps, so keep doing what you're doing, it's working.

I'm still on lockdown emotionally, I like the state of our home, my S is in a good place and that is my first priority. I am in a better place and know that I am an independent man and am thriving at work and have created some new relationships with some men and women outside of my homelife.

Perfect! Keep that up.

[lost8]

[quote=lost8]Honestly...W has been asking me to spend time with her, I'm not expecting too much. She is extremely depressed, doesn't like any aspect of her life...work, past deeds, financial sitch, etc. Does not feel need to address past sexual abuse with IC anymore, sees it useless. Has not been doing anything outside of house unless with me.

Interesting. Sorry for not being up on your sitch but are you still in an IHS basically? Has there been any talk of recon, or is she just content with "status quo" for now?

Not so much IHS, actually have spent most time in MBR. No talk of recon, haven't seen what I would call full remorse. Knows she messed up and knows she is messed up but hasn't addressed. Walking very lightly because I know there has been contact with OM, not sure how much or to what extent.

[lost8]

Hi all, having one of those moments where I need direction. If you follow my sitch wife is nuts. Lately has only been home but has been saying she needs to get out. Always says with friends. Of course I don’t believe, she will tell me where she is going to, etc but little details. Sometimes she sends pictures, texts, calls etc, and sometimes dark.

I said before I don’t care anymore. Maybe she has pulled me back to a comfortable spot and is back at it more covert now. I’m not looking or snooping but for someone pushing me to make things better the effort is off and on.

I feel the manipulation and am struggling to not just push for S again. I am answering my own questions as I’m typing btw. The lack of respect is unnerving. Just want it to end.

[lost8]

I guess what I am struggling with is that there has been some effort on her part and I feel I have not been as detached which I would think is necessary at this stage. Do I pull back again at this point?

[lost8]

Updating....I read some old posts and got a hold of myself after reading up on the advice. I dropped the expectations...I was letting my guard down too quickly. Since we have not gone through R yet I cannot expect piecing.

I am sticking to what I do best and will give back to her when she is ready to give to me. Things are still better but I know she is struggling with many issues and is just not ready for the pain of R yet.

[lost8]

This morning ready for the 2x4s. Was out with W came home and had noticed other night OMs number pop up on phone screen. W said she was done and deleted his contact....last night again she was laying on couch and phone was right there and 2 texts and OMs # were on screen.

I told her her bf was calling...I know passive aggressive, impatient, etc etc....a little alcohol didn't help my sitch. She said it was over and deleted his contact...but did say they were still friends. Of course I know what that means...shes done until the next time. So I flipped off a little and did not sleep in bed with her.

The right thing to do was ignore as things seem to have been fizzleing and she has been moving closer and closer to me.

Kind of a hard stage, she seems to want to move forward and I have given in to more time with her. I feel emotionally detached but want to give back what i feel she is giving me. I think I was showing major impatience wanting to get to a reconcile point....but I am aware that this was passive aggressive behavior along with somewhat controlling behavior.

Wow after all this time we know what we need to do...can tell others, but struggle sometimes to do it.

[lost8]

The concept of NC, when does that come up in regards to OM? Is that something that is volunteered, or discussed if a legitimate reconciliation is taking place?

[ovrrnbw]

You need to just tell her that you don't believe it is right for a married person to have a BF/GF. If she stills has one, you can't be with her. Then you have to stop being with her.

If she didn't want OM to contact her she'd block his #. And that's probably something you should have her do if you guys are ever to work out. But again you're not forcing her to do this, it's just something she needs to do in order to be with you. You aren't laying down your boundaries, or you just don't have any boundaries. You have to discuss NC with the OM. You can't hide from it.

She said it was over and deleted his contact...but did say they were still friends.

And you are still with her? Still there for her. Time for hardball. You have no respect for yourself if you can stay with her while they are "friends". You still sleep next to her while she texts and remains "friends" with OM? That is disgusting. You have to decide if you're ready to stop living like this.

All your focus is on her and what she's doing, now it's time to lay down and enforce your boundary. If she can't roll with it, cool - no big deal. Just go GAL and move on. Maybe file for divorce, that part is up to you.

[lost8]

Thanks ovrr, again I know what I need to do but have failed to do so as I saw potential R in the near future. I agree with everything you said and have let those boundaries down the last few weeks.