I realize I am starting from the last time I posted, which was Dec 2, but there is a reason. You followed up with a response, and the following quotes are from that post.
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In general my Ws venting has been about what she has done wrong. She has apologized continuously and has shown extreme disappointment in herself about what she has done to me with A. Although no details have been mentioned she acknowledges that it will have to come up just isn't ready.
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We haven't discussed NC with OM or A like I said but her opening up has been more and more of her realizing the hurt she has done to me...def not just I'm sorrys at this point.
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I know drinking is a problem and haven't addressed yet but she is having surgery at the end of the month that will put her out of commission for 10 days so maybe that will be a turning point for her but we'll see.
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I am making sure to still keep my distance and not diving in emotionally although I will admit physically am failing as we have had that connection which I know is probably not good but she is 100% the initiator.
That was the last we heard until Jan. Then, you posted:
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Things have been better since W started working at home, def see a desire to move in a direction closer to me. The GG wild activities have stopped but most certain still texts OM.
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W has shown a lot of emotion about what she has done and intentions to get her life back, ILYs, intimacy, normalcy even when sober, etc. I have been extremely cautious and have not put my wall down nor have I engaged when things don't look right.
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W looked at me and said she understood why I reacted the way I did last night to request to see phone. She did not acknowledge who it was or anything else but I realize if things are going to get better I have to let this play it'scourse and not push or make demands.
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Sorry for not being up on your sitch but are you still in an IHS basically? Has there been any talk of recon, or is she just content with "status quo" for now?
Not so much IHS, actually have spent most time in MBR. No talk of recon, haven't seen what I would call full remorse. Knows she messed up and knows she is messed up but hasn't addressed. Walking very lightly because I know there has been contact with OM, not sure how much or to what extent.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think what Sandi is trying to say is that she's playing you. You believe her BS bc you want to. You tell yourself you have to "let it run its course" bc you are scared to take action. It's ok. I was too
And for any and all readers the action is simple: you don't stay with someone who is cheating. You move on. Whether you file or not is your choice but stop being the WS's little buddy.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
And for any and all readers the action is simple: you don't stay with someone who is cheating. You move on. Whether you file or not is your choice but stop being the WS's little buddy.
Yes I see it now, all of her inactions. I had to read her post a few times to get it.
Sorry lost, thought you knew and were just being okay with the way things were. Like you knew deep down but didn't want it to come to surface because of your Son and a routine where you both seem checked in and out.
I'm hoping she will have some sort of come to Jesus moment in her life that will snap her back.
What do you think you are going to do?
Svdad, the thought that you are no longer the one and you are replaced by X. It can be imaginary, an online crush, a fantasy with a movie star. Etc.... think of how some men look at porn and women find that cheating.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Hey Adam, I thought I knew. It felt like she was moving towards R. I’m still good, I still have mine and my sons best interests first. Wow I just keep getting reminded how screwed up she is.
A or no A she is being told by everyone how screwed up she is and it has driven her into a deeper depression. I’m her safety blanket, I see that is why she is acting this way. Have to work on that more.
I have still been doing my own things but I guess the NGS can still linger. She is in a bad place, I know I can’t help even if I wanted to.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
A or no A she is being told by everyone how screwed up she is and it has driven her into a deeper depression. I’m her safety blanket, I see that is why she is acting this way.
This is what I fear the most going forward...my W figuring out what she has done, and going into deep depression. She has been there before, and had a suicide attempt before we were together.
Such a fine line between nice guy co-dependent care taking/rescuing behaviors and genuinely being there In a time of need for her no matter how much pain she caused.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
It almost sounds as if you read advice for couples who are reconciling/piecing, and thought it applied to a sitch with an affair. Some guys get it in their heads that they can live in-house separation and slowly they will get closer until they reconcile. I've never seen it work with a WW, b/c important issues get pushed aside (due to her refusal to cooperate).....and the betrayed H tries to adjust and settles in for what seems to be their new normal.
IMHO, your passivity is your biggest problem. I'm so glad you read the NMMNG book, and I hope you continue to refer to it for a long time. Although you feel you've made progress, I think some of your posts speak to how you struggle recognizing your passivity in the MR. You allow things to ride, in hopes it will all work itself out. That may be the better answer to many things, but not so much when you are in a M with a WW.
FWIW, I don't agree about the H having sex with a wayward who has not ended her affair and is still being secretive about her phone activity. It doesn't matter if she initiates it. It's not "okay, just as long as she initiates"......b/c WW's are deceivers and manipulators. As a WW who is engaging in some type of an affair, she can easily mislead her H, by being intimate with him. Having sex with her H while she lusts for OM.......is not her attempting to getting closer to reconciling. Here's what happens. She messes with his mindset and he starts thinking that things are getting back to normal. In his passivity, she is not required to follow a transparency plan, and she's not held accountable for her contacts with OM. Basically, she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want, b/c she leads and her H follows. The wayward spouse should be required to work hard to retrieve their MR. The WW will take the easiest way around doing the hard work. These are some of the issues the H faces when the WW is not remorseful, doesn't end her A, and required to do the hard work.
I think you have mistaken some things as her "efforts" in getting closer. You would post that she was definitely showing effort........ but in what way was she showing effort? Spending time with you, being nicer, talking more, initiating sex? Until the WW is willing to be truthful........how does anything count as effort toward reconciling? It just seems superficial. IMHO. Was there ever an agreement about the two of you working together to save the M......or were you assuming she was putting effort into getting along better. The fact she wasn't ready to talk about the A, was not reason for you to wait around until she decided she was ready.......b/c some WW's are never "ready" to reveal the ugly truth.
From my observations, whenever the H acts as if he and his WW are working at getting closer to reconciling....(when she will not agree to cease all manner of contact with OM (or possibly new OM) and be completely transparent), it results in the H feeling confused and not really knowing where the MR stands. I've seen some who really try to convince themselves the sitch is slowly leading to R. Some are nice guys who tend to follow the WW's lead. You cannot compromise with a WW. You can't passively sit back and allow her to direct the MR, by letting her successfully initiate sex......or calling the shots where you sleep at night......or passively accepting her refusal to show her phone messages. (These are only some examples.)
It's true that you control only yourself. However, I am not talking about controlling your W. I am talking about your actions. Your WW lost respect for you b/c of your passivity. You will not gain her respect by continuing to show passivity in the relationship. Start making proactive decisions for your life.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
