So if the WAS has a script and they are in a fog why doesn't the LBS know their part in the script and how to fly in IFR (Instrument Flight Rules) conditions?
The WAS is confused, scared, stressed, angry, frustrated and irritable. Why would a LBS ask for a decision from them? Why would a LBS ask how they feel, for a hug or kiss, ask them to go to IC/MC? When you are stressed out do you want to make a decision or be asked to do one more thing?
Why would you not agree with them? It's how they feel, it's real to them. You defending your position is not going to change how they feel. It's just going to frustrate them more that you don't "see" them.
Flying in the weather depends on not believing some of the normal input you get and relying on instruments to give you data which you cross-check. Your eyes and inner ear will "lie" to you and you can't fly by the seat of your pants right now. So you have to discount those feelings and go with evidence provided by external sources. It can be very disorienting flying in the fog at first. You can feel like you are flying wings level but be in a nose-down 45 degree banked dive if you go by your feelings. The key is knowing what the instruments are telling you to fly wings level. More importantly you have to complete the mission regardless of the conditions. I can control my actions, knowledge, and skill and not let the fog deter me.
What lines do you want to know?
What skills and knowledge do you need to successfully navigate and fly thru all conditions?
When you think thru this it becomes apparent on what you need to do. Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Your feeling are yours, fear will paralyze you. Think thru the fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and dispute your beliefs about why be afraid.
The so called vets here want to help. We were in your shoes, we understand the issues, we believe in marriage and we believe in the DB techniques. You have to do the work on yourself and be willing to try something different.
How can we help you?
Cheers
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
See this struggle too much here not to address it.
Too many people here are fighting a emotional battle with their WAS. You have to realise that your logic will not change their feelings whether there is a A or not. Your words won't do it, your telling your WAS how sorry you are, how you will change, rubbing her feet, and pleading. These things reinforce how they already feel about you. To change the way they feel about you, you must change the way they think about you.
How do you do that? Most of us vets give the same advice in different words. The easiest and very productive way of changing the way your WAS thinks about you is to - agree with them (validate), drop the rope (let them go), and GAL (take care of yourself, become interesting). When somone comes in my office and is upset about their account the easiest way for me to calm them down is to agree with them. Now they can't be mad at me because we are on the same side of the table. If I try to tell them why they shouldn't be upset (logic) how are they going to respond?
Visualise the drop the rope analogy. Your WAS is running away and your R is the rope holding them back so the more you pull (pursue) the more they resist. Because the rope is causing emotional pain and you are the source of it. Who is going to be the one to change? (Last time I googled the "runback spouse" I got no hits.) So drop the rope - let them go, try something different, 180, walkaway - whatever you want to call it. Your own emotions (fear) keep you from letting go of the rope. (What if they don't come back?) It's not all in your control people. If you want to be a chick magnet make sure you a facing the right way otherwise you become a chick repellant.
Study up on the dynamics of relationships, marriage, attraction, and affairs. The DBing techniques are not unique to busting a divorce. The DB advice is about healthy relationships and loving yourself.
Understand what and why your WAS feels the way they do and think about how you can change their thinking about you. TEA - thought proceeds emotion and emotion proceeds action. Change your thoughts, open your mind, challenge your beliefs, try something different, look at how you see yourself, and detach. Get ahead of your WAS on the detachment curve and now you can lead.
This board has lots of different personalities and styles. None of us is going to give out advise that is designed to see you fail. We wouldn't be here if we didn't care or understand the struggle you are encountering. The advise is roughly the same regardless of the source. Remember your situation is unique just like everyone else.
Handle it by getting your thoughts squared away. What are my goals? How will I achieve those goals? Then monitor the results. Focus on solutions. I promise that if you get your thoughts in the right place you will be a success.
Cheers
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you so much for the posts. I’ve read them all. You’re awesome. I have so much work to do.
Hugs!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
It is all so counter-intuitive. My best "logical" view of this is a"vacation" from the marriage.
It is one big test. How do agree with someone you disagree with?
How do you walk away from someone you want to pursue?
How do you leave someone you want to be married to?
I’m not sure how to walk away from someone I love so much. I’m not sure how to leave someone I want to be married to. However, what I am sure about is that I’m praying that God shows me how. Because one thing is for sure...I deserve so much better.
It was a long night of fighting him off.
Him asking can he have just one last hug.
I just can’t.
Then he just can’t undestand how I can cut him off cold turkey.
Then him saying he can’t understand why I won’t just be his friend.
He wants out of the M but he can see why we can’t still hang out and spend time together.
It’s all so exhausting.
Truth is I’ve gotten some great advice here and I need to apply it to my sitch. I’ve thought about things over the last 2 nights and I feel it’s best for me to prepare to move on with my life without my H. I’ve made a list of the remaining projects that need to be competed in our home. It will still take a little time to finish them up but I’m hoping they can be completed as soon as humanly possible.
I’m going back to the L to discuss more what the options are for our house. I’m not sure we will get what we need for it if we sell it this year. He11 we just bought it a year ago. But we will see what the lawyer says.
I’m hoping we can wrap things house wise and other financial obligations this year. Then move on to the D, after the 1st of the year.
So going forward I’m taking lots of the advice here. I’m going to focus on myself and my S. I’m going to hustle hard and make as much money as I can. That way when we are on our own, we will be able to survive. It’s not going to be easy but I’ve been a single parent before. Of course I will get some child support and most likely alimony but I won’t be relying on that money. I need to be able to financially provide for myself.
I have to hustle hard and build my business to where it brings me good income. It’s my dream and I shouldn’t let that go becusse H is all screwed up.
I can stlll have a good life. My new life just won’t include H. But life is a gift and it’s worth living.
I’ve still got a lot to sort out but I’m going to do that one day at a time.
I’m still hurt, angry, frustrated, and disgusted. I’m also scared. But I know God will get me through this.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So going forward I’m taking lots of the advice here. I’m going to focus on myself and my S. I’m going to hustle hard and make as much money as I can. That way when we are on our own, we will be able to survive. It’s not going to be easy but I’ve been a single parent before. Of course I will get some child support and most likely alimony but I won’t be relying on that money. I need to be able to financially provide for myself.
I would really think about if it is smart for you to make as much money as you can right now. The less you make the more he will have to give you in child support and alimony.
I can tell your a proud person but you did not ask or deserve to have this happen to you. It my sitch my ex felt guilty and gave me a lot of concessions so I took advantage of it. I have not felt guilty one day about it.
Starting now it is what is best for you and your sons.
So going forward I’m taking lots of the advice here. I’m going to focus on myself and my S. I’m going to hustle hard and make as much money as I can. That way when we are on our own, we will be able to survive. It’s not going to be easy but I’ve been a single parent before. Of course I will get some child support and most likely alimony but I won’t be relying on that money. I need to be able to financially provide for myself.
I would really think about if it is smart for you to make as much money as you can right now. The less you make the more he will have to give you in child support and alimony.
I can tell your a proud person but you did not ask or deserve to have this happen to you. It my sitch my ex felt guilty and gave me a lot of concessions so I took advantage of it. I have not felt guilty one day about it.
Starting now it is what is best for you and your sons.
LH19,
Although I agree with you, I can’t afford to allow myself to adjust once the D is over. Of course I see you point and may change my mind. I just want to be as prepared as I can. Most of the extra money I make will go towards completing renovation projects for our house. I sock some of the rest of it away. Again, I’m going back to talk to the lawyer about what I should do. Last time I talked with her we didn’t get into a lot of specifics because it was just the initial free consultation. This time I’m actually paying for more time and strategic legal advice.
I’ve given so much to this M. When I met my H he had nothing. Well I shouldn’t say he had nothing because he had a job. I made a little more than he did on my job at the time. He had bad credit, had filed bankruptcy, had a beat up car, no savings, and a terrible spending habit. Him and his first wife were horribly irresponsible with finances. Now just in case anyone thinks this, I never threw any of that up in his face. I saw past all that and saw a man that treated me well. To me he was worth building a life together with. I even helped him by paying his legal fees when he was fighting his ex to see his kids. .
Everything I had when I met him, I owned. I had my own place, car, savings, and good credit. And mind you I was a single mother. I know how to work hard. Our first couple of years together I worked with him to improve his credit. We bought a house. He was able to buy a new car. Now he has superb credit.
I say all of this (not to gloat or seem like I’m all that) but to say I have worked too hard to walk away with nothing. I have invested too much in this marriage to walk away with anything less than I’m entitled to. And I’m trusting a lawyer will help me with that.
He now make way more than me. I can’t get into specifics of how because if I do and he ever stumbles upon this board, he will know who I am.
Thanks though LH19, I get it! Hugs!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I would really think about if it is smart for you to make as much money as you can right now. The less you make the more he will have to give you in child support and alimony.
Nothing says detachment and moral superiority like manipulating the system to make your spouse pay you more money.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm not 100% on your situation, but if you plan on H being in S's life at all after the divorce - I would press with the financial adjustment now. You may not get as much in child support or alimony, but the combined income will be higher which benefits everyone involved. Your business will have a year's worth of progress (and income building) and your H will have to pay less in support, which leaves everyone with more cashflow to focus on the kid (ideally). A rising tide lifts all boats, as they say.
I'm not your boss (apparently you're your own boss, you bad@ss entrepreneur), so you do you.
EDIT:
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by LH19
I would really think about if it is smart for you to make as much money as you can right now. The less you make the more he will have to give you in child support and alimony.
Nothing says detachment and moral superiority like manipulating the system to make your spouse pay you more money.
Well said - take what you're owed, but don't game the system to punish your H. Be strong, be independent, free yourself.
Last edited by JB42; 02/08/1904:47 PM. Reason: Added quote.
