Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

Mikey,

read some of R2C's stuff. His posts are gold.

"I want us both to be happy".

"I see many solutions to our problems, but if this what will make you happy then I will give it to you."

"I'll need to think about that."

"Send your proposal to me and I'll have my lawyer review it".

When your W wants to talk about the divorce stuff, just tell her to let her know when she has a proposal and youll let your lawyer review it. That way you aren't shying away, but there's not too much convo.

Whatever happens, don't take the sex thing as any big sign. She probably is doing it to keep your attached to her. My W did that and I was all over the bait a year ago. Now everytime we have sex the thought of it being meaningless, passionless, or our last time is ever present. It makes me not want to have sex at all. There's been lots of discussion about the LBS having sex with the WAS. Usually it's not good IMO, b/c the LBS creates hopes and expectations that are working against him/her. I don't think it's advisable to have that casual sex.

Ya, I still need to work on handling that when she brings it up. As for the sex, I am not reading into it at all (It was the first time in over 3 weeks). It was just a little odd with the attitude she had towards, then a hour later her mood completely shifted. Honestly, I'll say it. It helps ease my mind that she is still seeking it from me, versus seeking it elsewhere. I had the thought for a bit that there had to be someone else, but I know there's not and that it helps keep that thought from going through my head. Especially since I still want to work things out. But I know that's not up to me to decide, and I am not expecting it.

[AnotherStander]

Wife wanted to talk about the D one day, I told her "I understand this is what you want, and I won't stand in your way, but it is not what I want and I will not talk about it"

To which she responding, "I want us to work together on this" and this is where my pursuit came in place "I responded so you want us to work together on D, but not the root problem" ***FACEPALM***

First part was perfect. Second part, next time just say "if you need something from me then let me know and I will provide it." Stick to business.

So ya, not much more has happened since, I was scheduled to have V-Day off and today as well but cancelled those plans and instead went to work. The W texted me V-Day morning when she got home from work saying "I thought you had the day off" to which I responded "I did, but I cancelled it"

This may have come off to her like punishment so be careful with that. Detachment isn't about being cold/ mean/ vindictive.

I told her I needed some money to put gas in the car, I had driven the truck last week which ate threw my budget for the 2 weeks.

If there is any way to eliminate the need for convos like this then do it, because this sounds really needy, like you are asking mom for gas money. I understand your financial position is tight right now and she makes more? If she owes you money then work out some kind of weekly stipend instead of asking her like this.

She finally comes in to take a shower. When she got out, she stood there by the door giving me a all sexy look. I said "What?" she responds with "You know what and bites her lip" I think you guys can see where this led to..... then we took another shower and she said get some sleep and went to the guest room. And that was that....

That's fine, just don't have any expectations that it means anything because it doesn't. Michele's take on this is it's OK to do it if you can without expectations, but if it's really messing with your head then put an end to it.

[mikeyb]

So ya, not much more has happened since, I was scheduled to have V-Day off and today as well but cancelled those plans and instead went to work. The W texted me V-Day morning when she got home from work saying "I thought you had the day off" to which I responded "I did, but I cancelled it"

This may have come off to her like punishment so be careful with that. Detachment isn't about being cold/ mean/ vindictive.

It wasn't meant to be cold or anything, she said she didn't want to do valentines day even though we had discussed plans a while ago, so I wasn't going to take the day off and just sit around the house feeling miserable. Instead I chose to work and keep my pto for a later day.

I told her I needed some money to put gas in the car, I had driven the truck last week which ate threw my budget for the 2 weeks.

If there is any way to eliminate the need for convos like this then do it, because this sounds really needy, like you are asking mom for gas money. I understand your financial position is tight right now and she makes more? If she owes you money then work out some kind of weekly stipend instead of asking her like this.

It's the way our budget is set up, I'm deposited money to get me through driving the car to and from work, the rest is into a separate account for bills. But this week I had to drive the truck and it ate through my budget, she needed the car to go up north, and gets more money deposited than me to handle her gas, plus food for the house. I make more, but limit my funds to bills (into a separate account), and my travel (into my account) for work. While she handles some bills (into the same separate account) and her travel and groceries (into her account). Normally I don't have a problem with my budget for the week, in fact it's typically the other way around were I'm giving her money for things.

She finally comes in to take a shower. When she got out, she stood there by the door giving me a all sexy look. I said "What?" she responds with "You know what and bites her lip" I think you guys can see where this led to..... then we took another shower and she said get some sleep and went to the guest room. And that was that....

That's fine, just don't have any expectations that it means anything because it doesn't. Michele's take on this is it's OK to do it if you can without expectations, but if it's really messing with your head then put an end to it.

Ya I don't have any expectations, or even think that there is any meaning to it.

[AnotherStander]

It wasn't meant to be cold or anything, she said she didn't want to do valentines day even though we had discussed plans a while ago, so I wasn't going to take the day off and just sit around the house feeling miserable. Instead I chose to work and keep my pto for a later day.

Ah, well yeah if the two of you had already discussed not doing anything then it sounds like there was no harm there.

Normally I don't have a problem with my budget for the week, in fact it's typically the other way around were I'm giving her money for things.

Well the two of you are no longer a team, so it's time to start protecting yourself. Instead of "giving her money for things" you might start putting that away privately so you have access to it when you need it. Again the idea is to quit asking her for money or anything else, try and be more independent, and in turn, -look- more independent to her.

[mikeyb]

So today's my bday. I took today and tomorrow off from work. Took care of some housework I needed to do, and fixed a annoying rattle on the car. I then decided to spend the day with my dog. We went to the dog park for about a hour then went and got some ice cream. Then came home, was debating what I wanted to do next so finished up my housework I started earlier then the W wakes up, she said happy birthday and I responded thanks. She asked me what I did today so I told her I took the dog to the park and got some ice cream. She was absolutely thrilled about that, we don't get the dog out much. She said "I could hug you right now", "Im about to cry" she asked me what park I went to so I told her, I said I want to bring him to the dog beach, and that I might go tomorrow. She didn't say anything for a few minutes then said "if you go tomorrow, I want to come with you." So I said ok. Not much more was said, she went and praised the dog because I told her how well behaved he was. Then she left for work. Trying to decide what I'm going to do now. Thinking about going and getting a jigsaw puzzle and sitting down to work on that and occupy my mind some. Overall today was a pretty good day.

[mikeyb]

Ok, so not sure how this is gonna all play out. But here's a situation coming up on Friday.

She's getting together with coworkers, one of them drives over an hour and will be staying at our house that night. He has stayed here before. She talked to me about it before saying it was ok.

Now from what she's told me, is everyone from work doesn't know anything, but she took the rings off. Yea, she can excuse it for work purposes. But how is she gonna excuse it on Friday going out. She has not asked me to come with her as of now (Typically when they get together, the H/W/BF/GF comes along), but she said she wants to stay in the MBR that night, and set up the air mattress in the 3rd bedroom for her coworker. Again, he's stayed here before and knows we have a guest bed.

So it appears she wants to put on the act that we are a happy couple and everything is just peachy...

[LH19]

Mikey b,

Something is not right here. Why is the feller staying at your house? Is there not any male coworkers he can stay with while in town?

[ovrrnbw]

Or a hotel? Something is off, I don't know what it is yet.

I don't like the idea of her jumping in and out of the MBR to save face either, but I'm not sure that this is a hill worth dying on.

Still thinking about this, Mikey.

[mikeyb]

So she asked me today, if I would watch her friends kids on Friday so they can go together to her get together. I told her I would think about it and get back to her.

And I don't know of any male co-workers in the area. She works on a pretty small team, mostly females. I don't really have any worries about the guy. She even said she could still sleep in the guest bedroom (we have 3 bedrooms, he would be in the 3rd with a air mattress) but she would feel more comfortable sleeping in my room versus across the hall from him.

I was talking with her friend tonight as she was over doing laundry and she was telling me that my W said she still wants to D but at the same time is confused because she is noticing how I'm becoming more independent and focused on the things I need to do, and things around the house. While still getting out and having fun. I told her, "only she can make up her mind. I know what I need to do and I'm doing it".

So I had bought myself a 1,000 piece puzzle yesterday and started working on it at the kitchen table (about half way done). I was out today with my Dog at the dog beach, and I had covered it with a towel so my cat didn't start slinging pieces everywhere and had the box on top of the towel. Apparently when her friend came over she was bragging about the puzzle, saying "He knows how much I love puzzles" (I do, but I also love to do them too) and she thought I got her the puzzle. When I came home the puzzle box was moved but the towel still there. She asked me what was up with the towel so I removed it. Long story short I think she might be mad at the fact that I bought myself a puzzle to do, oh well. It was to keep my mind occupied not hers.

[mikeyb]

So an update:

I came home from work today and cleaned up, then started working on my puzzle some more. The W came over and was helping me with it, she was starting some small talk and my responses were minimal but not rude, I think it went over pretty well. We worked on it together for about 2 hours or so. Then she had to go get ready for her night out. The entire time she was getting ready she kept coming to me for my opinion. I was trying to keep it short, "Too much", "Looks good", "It matches" those kind of responses. But she kept pushing me for my "TRUE" opinion. At which I finally caved and said "My opinion: it's hot, but too much" Tight shirt, cleavage showing etc. she agreed, and toned it down. Then continued asking me about her makeup, hair, etc. I continued with short responses. She did look really good, but not over the top. She kept saying hows shes going to hang out with co-workers and not a goal to be hit on. At the same time, she still wasn't wearing her ring. Oh well, let her have her fun. I'm still slightly concerned with it, but not near as much as I was a week or so ago.

There's been no talk about D or our MR for about 9 days I think, and I plan to keep it that way. She already knows I won't put in any leg work for D if that's the route she chooses, and she also knows I won't stand in her way from doing it. If talk of it comes up again I will continue to maintain my stance there. I may be dealing with a lot of emotional pain right now from this, but I am also a very patient person. If my route of choice is to work on it, I can wait patiently while working myself towards being able to handle the D if it does end there.

Overall detaching seems to be going pretty well for me, at least I'm thinking it is. I keep finding myself more worried about what I'm doing than what she's doing. I'm still wanting to work out our issues, but I'm not thinking about that scenario. I'm more so thinking about what I need to do if we don't.

GAL has been good. The last 3 weekends I've been over my friends house working on his car. He had a blown head gasket. I've done this work before, but always alongside my dad who use to be a mechanic. We ended up replacing his timing chain while we were at. I was a little nervous with this as it's the first time I've done it myself, and my friend is not very knowledgeable when it comes to cars. So last sunday we finished it up at about 1am and started it up. It started right up so that was a huge relief lol. BUT, when we went to take it for a test ride, a pulley came loose and the belt came off and got torn up and wrapped up around a bunch of other pulleys, sigh. SO I'll be heading back there again this weekend to fix that.

Even though we were only getting together to fix the car, we both agreed it was fun hanging out as we really don't get the opportunity to do so. We work at the same place but since I switched shifts to days, we barely get to talk, especially since I'm an hour away. I had joked around and said "Yea, thank god for woman problems right"

Anyway, I'm at the house now, I did agree to watch her friends kids for them. I am attached to these kids as I've played a big part in raising them the last 1 1/2 years and am considered a uncle to them. They both miss me as they haven't been around much the past month, she's been trying to give us some space. So I'm watching then for myself and the kids. I think part of the reason I'm so attached is because me & the W were trying to have kids the last year all the way up until BD but we were unsuccessful. And they were so active in our life, I just grew towards them.