Sandi is there anyway I can PM you or email you? It says PM is disabled on here. I have some explicits I need to share with you and I'd rather just share with you only.
Steve 85. The subject of self differentiation within a marriage is a very big eye-opener for me between the difference of codependent attachment Independence and interdependence. A very good subject I'm going to enjoy studying thanks for the recommendation
Steve 85. The subject of self differentiation within a marriage is a very big eye-opener for me between the difference of codependent attachment Independence and interdependence. A very good subject I'm going to enjoy studying thanks for the recommendation
I agree, it was an eye-opener for me too. Glad I could help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Sandi and Steve, Im on my lunch break. There is something I would like to run by the board later this evening. For the time being. Who can make the best reccomendation of how I should be interacting with the W? We have officially been seperated in the house for the last week. I am not initiating any relationship talks what so ever from here on out, unless she brings it up. The only thing that gets discussed is finances and child care. She gave me a pat on the arm yesterday and it's how's my day when I came through the door. At her request, we talked over alternating weekiends of who watches our son for the whole weekend. I'm starting to understand the whole detaching process little bit better with love and integrity to myself now thanks to Steve with marital differentiation. Instead of taking things, hurt, and rejection personally. I understand that Sandi said to let my actions speak volumes, not my words. I can be pleasant just as much as she is in our daily interactions, but at what point in how do I start attempting at reconnecting? Someone who is planning their exit strategy of a M probably isn't going to mind so much if I don't discuss anything else with them other than the necessities, and isn't going to have an effect, on them. I understand I have to regain trust with my actions and not my words on a consistent basis. but at some point they are going to have to see everything I missed in the past that I'm changing now, and arouse some form of curiosity? I still think of me pulling away is more of the same behavior to her. who here can recommend a good balance example of the two between pulling away, and being engaged with W in good behavioral demonstration of things missed previously in the relationship?
This morning I read a Reddit forum of mostly women being the WAW, and ingested a totally different perspectice of their frustrations with some of us "men" which is totally understandable. I know I've probably exhibited a lot of these behaviors traits and characteristics somewhat unawaringly. Especially drive, vision, purpose, motivation, organization, and financial security. I realize my spouse has been staging, and researching for the last 8 months on a daily basis on forming a new life, and ways to live differently in another. She is researching her exit strategy. I will post on here later about what I was willing to consider, and having the board review it for discussion with her.
Who can make the best reccomendation of how I should be interacting with the W? We have officially been seperated in the house for the last week. I am not initiating any relationship talks what so ever from here on out, unless she brings it up. The only thing that gets discussed is finances and child care. She gave me a pat on the arm yesterday and it's how's my day when I came through the door. At her request, we talked over alternating weekiends of who watches our son for the whole weekend.
Sounds like you are doing fine. Some people call it being a "friendly neighbor".
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I still think of me pulling away is more of the same behavior to her. who here can recommend a good balance example of the two between pulling away, and being engaged with W in good behavioral demonstration of things missed previously in the relationship?
Well here's the thing. If you were an absentee husband then she wanted you to fix that 2 years ago. Or a year ago. Or maybe even 6 months ago. Now? No, she's done. Now she's telling you just to explain why the M is over, not because she wants you to change. She DOESN'T want you to change. Because it took her so long to get to this point, she doesn't want to change her mind. So you pull back and give her time and space while doing 180's on non-relationship stuff, like spending more time focusing on the kids.
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This morning I read a Reddit forum of mostly women being the WAW, and ingested a totally different perspectice of their frustrations with some of us "men" which is totally understandable. I know I've probably exhibited a lot of these behaviors traits and characteristics somewhat unawaringly.
Outside links aren't allowed on these forums, so Cadet or Job will probably edit that out. It is OK to talk about the subject material though, which in this case is the perspective of several WAW's who dealt with husbands that contributed little or nothing to the household and treated their W's like servants. I do sometimes wonder how many LBH's here are like the ones described in those posts (this is far from the first time I've read such stories), but don't come here with full openness and honesty. Because what is being described by those women is absolutely grounds for leaving their husbands. Those guys will have a tough road earning their spouse back and frankly will probably never put in the hard work required to get there. Anyway, yes it is great to read a woman's perspective so you can gut-check yourself to see if there's any comparison to your own situation. If so then make adjustments.
Here is a laugh and a half. W who in past always accused me of not remembering certain parts of concersations, (partial truth because I do have minor short term cognitive memory issues, which I am seeking help for.) (Years ago we used to date and sign important topics, but fell by wayside.) There would also be times where W would withhold or neglect to mention vital pieces of information, appointment dates and social events, etc.and claim she told me, and never actually did. She is such a "cake eating" behavior specialist who cannot see her own behaviors.
So anyways... Tonight I get home, go through the usual motions of "how was your day" asked how her father and mother was doing since he wound up in hospital with pancreatitis, and has early dimentia, mom in law takes care if him and our son while we both work. She took off today to watch our son, the house looked like a tornado went through it. Garbage and dishes all over the kitchen, living room, and dining room. She did nothing absolutely nothing all day but, browse online for her new fantasy life, and researching potential places of vacationing there. (fact) and paid a few joint bills. She made up a schedule yesterday of split responsibilities, bills, and parenting schedules.
So first thing I discuss is the in-laws, then I move to a bargining deal of since she took off today, I will use a vacation day for tomorrow to watch our son and relieve my mother in law, but on the condition that she leave work by 2pm to alleviate me, since i have IC appointment at 3pm. We both are taking off Friday for son's eye surgery. She eventually agrees to proposition. Neglected to tell me she took half day yesterday. Said sick days were dwindling. Since she cooked dinner for both of us, I agreed to do the dishes out of consideration, and thanked her twice for cooking. ( No thank you's from her for the clean up.) Last time I do that. Sticking with seperated meals and responsibilities F/T now. I eat at the table intentionally with my son. She as usual sits on the couch watching teresa psychic medium (more reality shows.)
I make a mention of her initial proposal of alternation each individual watching S every other weekend. I set ground rules of no switching or last minute cancellation without 24hrs notice. We discuss logistics of whole weekends with S and how that looks inside IHS. Since baby's room is next to MBR and Guest rm. Where she now resides. Its expected that I still hang in basement to "give her her space" but now sleep in MBR. I agree to hang with S in basement on "my weekends." N.P. (Going to be tough because he climbs stairs now.) Have to get door in stairwell.
This is where it gets comical. She forgot that I moved back into MBR, even though its been a week! She wanted me to sleep with him in basement and change him down there as well. (Whole IHS scripted plan.) So I replied "Wait What!?" Then it hit her. I'm still upstairs in MBR. So then I bring up topic of vacationing and parenting, just to throw her another curve ball since she was researching vacation packages, properties and arbnb in her fantasy new life escape destination. She replies back, monies are tight and doesn't plan on going anywhere for spring break. (Teacher) But shakes head in bewilderment and surprise of why I would ask that (denial) I then propose we each take a turn every night putting our S to bed. (Good practice for future BD and physically seperated single life.) since i am working 8hrs s day and driving for another 5hrs. Trying to keep new workout schedule. Probably will have to switch it to mornings.
Here is a laugh and a half. W who in past always accused me of not remembering certain parts of conversations, (partial truth because I do have minor short term cognitive memory issues, which I am seeking help for.) (Years ago we used to date and sign important topics and events but fell by wayside.) There would also be times where W would withhold or neglect to mention vital pieces of information, appointment dates and social events, etc.and claim she told me, and never actually did. She is such a "cake eating" behavior specialist who cannot see her own behaviors, and always tries to have things both ways.
So anyways... Tonight I get home, go through the usual motions of "how was your day" asked how her father and mother were doing since dad in law wound up in hospital with pancreatitis, and has early dimentia, mom in law takes care if him and our son while we both work. She took off today to watch our son, the house looked like a tornado went through it, (As usual) Garbage and dishes all over the kitchen, living room, and dining room. (Some times Mom in law cleans up her mess when she baby sits here. She did nothing absolutely nothing all day but, browse online for her new fantasy life, and researching potential places of vacationing there. (fact) and paid a few joint bills. She made up a schedule yesterday of split responsibilities, bills, and parenting schedules.
So first thing I discuss is the in-laws, then I move the subject to a bargining of me watching our son tomorrow since she took off today, I will use a vacation day for tomorrow to watch our son and relieve my mother in law, but on the condition that she leave work by 2pm to alleviate me, since i have IC appointment at 3pm. We both are taking off Friday for son's eye surgery. She eventually agrees to proposition. Neglected to tell me she took half day yesterday. Said sick days were dwindling. Last week I took half day to pick her up for endoscopy from hospital as preliminary for gastric bypass. Then she changes her mind over weekend. Shes not going to do it. Now she's stsrying to exercise with DDP Yoga. Proud of her for taking natural route. Lets see if she stays committed and motivated to actual hard work. Or if this is just more of $$ wasted on health plans that she fails to stay committed to.
Since she cooked dinner for both of us, I agreed to do the dishes out of consideration, and thanked her twice for cooking. ( No thank you's from her for the clean up.) Last time I do that. Sticking with seperated meals and responsibilities F/T now. I eat at the table intentionally with my son. She as usual sits on the couch watching Teresa's Psychic Medium, Jersey Shore, Vanderpump whatever.. (more reality shows.)
I make a mention of her initial proposal of alternation each individual watching S every other weekend. I set ground rules of no switching or last minute cancellation without 24hrs to 48hrs notice. We discuss logistics of whole weekends with S and how that looks inside IHS. Since baby's room is next to MBR and Guest rm. Where she now resides. Its expected that I still hang in basement to "give her her space" but I now sleep in MBR. I agree to hang with S in basement on "my weekends." N.P. (Going to be tough because he climbs stairs now.) Have to get door in stairwell.
This is where it gets comical. She forgot that I moved back into MBR, even though its been a week! She wanted me to sleep with him in basement and change him down there as well. (Whole IHS scripted plan.) So I replied "Wait What!?" Then it hit her. I'm still upstairs in MBR. So then I bring up topic of vacationing and parenting, just to throw her another curve ball since she was researching vacation packages, properties and arbnb in her fantasy new life escape destination. She replies back, monies are tight and doesn't plan on going anywhere for spring break or vacationing anywhere right now. (Teacher) But with body language, shakes head in bewilderment and surprise of why I would ask that (denial) I then propose we each take a turn every night putting our S to bed. (Good practice for future post D and physically seperated single life.) Since i am working 8hrs a day and driving for another 5hrs. Trying to keep new workout schedule. Probably will have to switch it to mornings. I only typically sleep 4 hrs a night and has been that way for years.
