You need an "escape" from the pressure this situation is putting on you. Do you have friends you can get out and about with? If I had to do my situation all over again, one of the things I'd do differently is to truly enjoy the freedom you get when your spouse walks.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hey jac....sorry this is happening, just crazy that all the sitches here can be so very similar. My W was also sexually abused in HS and now 47 had repressed the pain all her life and never addressed. In the last year through soul searching she was tired of being a victim in her head all of her life and decided she was a survivor.
This led to the last 7-8 months of her having an affair and living a Girls Gone Wild lifestyle, including neglecting our sons one 22 the other 14. It's like she decided that she had been holding back all of her life because of the abuse and wants to relive her younger single days
Yeah she seems intent on living her younger days again - the people she is hanging around with from work are all mid-20s. I recognize that she is going through a tough time herself so I'm using the Alien abduction analogy to help me get through.
And I'm certain that she has lost some respect for me over the past year and I need to step up more and earn that back if she's going to see me the way she used to see me.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
jac, I know you have asked her point blank and so has her brother, but most cheating spouses will not admit to an affair unless there is proof proving they are cheating. However, I can't help but note that she has moved out. Another anti-D author I've read states, and I found it to be true, that WAWs do not need their own place to find themselves, or to work on the marriage, or any of the other crap reasons they give. WAWs need their own place to sleep with other people. Whether they are in an active affair, or whether they are setting up for sleeping with someone later. In my case, my W was wanting to move out. She was in a long distance EA, neither of them had the means to travel to see the other person. She may have fantasized about him driving up once she had her own place, but I doubt he could have even swung that. But even after that ended she was still wayward and looking for the next OM.
Once we started to reconcile and piece she gave up on her desire to move out. Just be aware that she may already be involved with someone. She may not be on the prowl. A lot of markers are there. My W started to distance herself from friends, family, church members, everyone. She knew everyone around her would tell her what she was doing was wrong, and she didn't want to hear that.
jac, keep working on detachment. GAL. 180s. Just focus on yourself. You can only control you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I know I can't be that naive to think it's not happening so I am mentally preparing myself for that and trying my best to detach.
Great. I know in my case, even though I had evidence she still maintained that that her EAP was "just a friend". Of course, later I found nudes that had been sent to him. They will deny especially if they know the people around them will condemn their activities. My W had no enablers. ZERO. Other than OM. He was a unemployed, excon, living with his elderly father several states away, 12 years her junior that had no way to support himself, let alone her.
Enablers in these sitches complicate them. In mine there were none.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Jac, yes exactly, my W was partying at HH everyday with 20-30 somethings. I did not recognize her nor did her friends or kids.
I'm not sure if she is a WW at this point but like Steve said she is showing the signs of not really caring if she currently is or is looking to be. [censored] either way because you are no longer on her radar....albeit hopefully just a fog that will lift but you can't force it to.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Yes she is definitely putting herself first in every way and I agree that if she hasn't been with someone else yet she is considering it.
She asked me the other day if I would consider living in a condo (she's currently in a nice condo) while our son was still young. We had talked about condo living in retirement. Did she mean together in a condo with our son or just me? Weird question.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Yes she is definitely putting herself first in every way and I agree that if she hasn't been with someone else yet she is considering it.
She asked me the other day if I would consider living in a condo (she's currently in a nice condo) while our son was still young. We had talked about condo living in retirement. Did she mean together in a condo with our son or just me? Weird question.
No idea. Maybe she meant she wanted to sell the house, split the equity and then you could move into the same condo complex? I know my W's plan was to get an apartment nearby so we could still play house when she wasn't off on her own.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
