Quotes found on Divorcebusting (7)

[Ready2Change]

Link

Every single one of us on this board could have been a better partner. It still blows my mind that out of all the useless courses they have in school/college that don't have anything to teach you how to be a better partner. Accept that you could have been better, learn from it and let it go.

What I think you should focus on with your ex is gaining respect from her. One thing that has always been obvious in your sitch is that she doesn't respect you. Once you can obtain respect, things will slowly change in the dynamic of your relationship.

Forward no more backwards.

I don't think there is any question that you are a great father.

Respect starts with how you allow others/her to treat you. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don't allow them to.

I would start with getting back to the basics. No contact unless about kids or finances. Answer only questions with yes or no answers. Then work on how she talks to you.

W: Hurt (with tone to her voice) "your'e doing it wrong"
H: W, please don't talk to me that way
W: what way?
H: in that tone
W: I'm not
H: please don't do it again (walk away)

You have to get over the fear that what you do or do not say will change anything!

[Ready2Change]

Link

I guess Im not sure your frame of mind. Which do you think has a more likely chance at a positive outcome?

1) you dragging your feet and making it difficult for you to divorce, causing your marriage to go on longer.
2) you providing information as requested and your W is free to make her own choices

I guess my point is that the more you try to cling to the "marriage", the harder she will try to get away and the more she will resent you. Fight for what you want/deserve in the financial and custodial aspects. But forcing her to stay married longer because "you didnt know anything was wrong" or "you dont believe her claims allow for filing": or whatever other reason will only lead to more resentment and rebellion.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I am NOT saying to help/move along the process.
I am saying if she asks you for financial details, then its reasonable to give her that. If she wants to sit down with you to discuss a parenting plan, then its reasonable to do that.

Im saying that it isnt your job to make a budget for her. It isnt your job to go out and find a mediator and set the appointment. Im also saying that you shouldnt say "Im going to go to the mediator with you" if you have no intention of doing so.

Let her drive. Your job is to basically let her drive without throwing up roadblocks or putting on the brakes because "yoou dont want a divorce" or "you want to stay married longer" or things like that.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I think you need to hold the line until you see some of her anger and aggression dissipate. She believes she has control of this situation and has no intention of succumbing to your terms. I suggest you tell her you need space & time away from her b/c you have a lot of decisions to make about your future. Tell her not to be texting, b/c you don't won't be answering......and not to get any of her friends to intervene for her. This will definitely put her focus on wondering what you will do. Let her squirm. Let her get mad. So what? She will probably contact OM out of desperation, but what else is new? If she thinks she's lost her Plan B, she's going to start sweating.......which is good. She needs to worry that she's really lost you!

So, rather than hand her a list of requirements right off the bat, I think I would simply tell her (if she continues to pursue you) that you will need to be convinced things are truly over with her & any third party. If she starts swearing on someone's life or grave.......inform her that unfortunately her word is currently worth very little. If she persists in wanting to save the M or ask what can she do to prove to you........then you can bring up the passwords, transparency, etc.

This is a very critical time, and it's the point that many LBH's don't pull back hard enough b/c they are too eager to save the M and afraid the WW won't pursue. If you are not certain you want to try it again, then take all the time you need.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Your H is confused - he wants his freedom and he wants his family - and he is sending you lots of mixed signals.

There is a school of thought that says to wait it out, don't ask, don't pry and don't complain, smile and put your feelings and doubts on the back burner whilst they work out their [censored]. Be there for them when they need you.

There is another school of thought that says don't let him have his cake and eat it too. None or minimal contact, get on with your life, heal and rebuild. He will only truly want to come back when he sees the truth of what he has lost.

I don't know which approach, if either, is the right one. I guess the things that both approaches have in common is that whilst they are sorting themselves out, we, the LBS gets on with life. We don't pursue. We work on us. Focus on you and the right path will reveal itself. GAL and 180.

I am possible wavering towards the don't let him have his cake and eat it too ... so, personally, I would detach a little. Make yourself, if not unavailable, less available. You love him, you want to fix what is broken, but in the meantime, you also have a life.

[Ready2Change]

Link

There are different ways that recon happen, one way is the WAW has a "eureka" moment and suddenly decides she is back in and will do anything to "fix" things. The other is that she slowly comes back in phases. The problem with the 2nd type is it is hard to tell it from someone who is just "dangling the carrot" to keep the LBH on as Plan B. Right now it's kind of hard to tell which she is. What you need to do is just keep doing what you're doing. Don't be immediately available to her all the time. Keep up your GAL activities. Be mysterious about where you are and what you are doing. Keep being warm and friendly as you have been, but send her the message that you are your own man and living your own life. She can join you or not, that's up to her. But you are awesomely awesome regardless.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I notice a theme where you make a change and then look to her. She notices it, then you wonder why she is still proceeding with the divorce. You also like to read the tea leaves quite a bit. Neither of these behaviors are benefiting you at all. I understand why you are doing them, but it won't help you. You are having a emotion vs. logic battle, so go ahead and ensure that your logic wins this one. You also state that your W may be MLC, well that should be enough to tell you that her actions and words won't be making too much sense. The answer is to detach emotionally and allow yourself to think logically. Be cognizant of your emotions and learn to manage them.

It took a long time to get to the divorce phase, it will take a while to get out of it. Your W is involved in a mental turmoil, and she is not sure about anything. But I think you are hoping your changes are going to "snap her out of it" still. And while they might, nobody knows when or if that will happen. So stop worrying about that.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Are you going to buy her out of the house? If so, you definitely have no reason to leave. You have plenty of time to figure out your living arrangements, no rush to move out in 3.5 weeks. You can always tell your W "I was very upset when I said that, I've decided it's best for me to stay in the house."

or

"I wasn't thinking clearly when I said that..."

[Ready2Change]

Link

DBing is about doing the opposite of what you think you should do. Better yet, doing NOTHING. Doing nothing is always better than doing the wrong thing, and is almost as good as doing the right thing. Better yet, doing nothing is safer than thinking you are doing the right thing but really doing the wrong thing.

[Ready2Change]

Link

So, I am trying to show her I am not that angry, controlling person anymore. Why is this so difficult? I wish I could just get mad and put my feelings aside and me able to move on.

Are you trying to SHOW HER that you arent angry and controlling?

Or are you trying to not BE angry and controlling?

I think there is an important distinction, even if it is just how you talk about yourself.

Frame your thinking around YOU. That way you can feel successful even if she isnt giving you positive feedback.