Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 6)

[Bo562]

Great! I won't blow sunshine up your a$$

My love language is affirming words, but every now and then I need someone to beat me over the head with a reality stick.

Like Master Yoda said "Do or do not. There is no try".

Right. At the end of the day, I didn’t do it, and fell short.

This sounds more like invalidating her feelings.

You’re probably right. Validating is an area of continuing improvement.

Last night when she talked about what I’ve done that hurts her, I would acknowledge that my intent was never to hurt her, and that I can’t change the past, I can only apologize and move forward.

FWIW, my L doesn’t believe that it would necessarily qualify as abuse—for family law, there is a very specific standard.

Agree.

Which part do you agree with? For family law, there being a specific standard for abuse, or would you agree with my L?

Your making changes for you. Who cares what she thinks!

Keep working on the things YOU want to change about yourself.

Not because they bothered her but because you would like to change them.

Noticing a theme here. Like most LBSs, I did 180’s initially with the hope of getting her back, or avoiding S / D. But as I’ve discovered in my later dealings with her, and have read here on the forum, it doesn’t really matter for her. Need to keep focus on self.

Work on confidence / assertiveness. I go back and forth on this one—sometimes I act with healthy confidence and assertiveness, sometimes not so much. Need to work on consistency.

I feel like one of the blessings of my job as a teacher is that I daily have a chance to work on that and improve with students / colleagues. I feel like I am improving in this regard.

I’ve also become better about forgetfulness. I write stuff down a lot, use calendar apps, but for me forgetfulness sometimes is a result of me avoiding things (sounds dumb, I know; also as passive-aggressiveness). So for me, part of the 180 is being less afraid of taking things on (also goes hand-in-hand with confidence / assertiveness).

Being more open about sexuality will help me be a healthier person overall. I know I shouldn’t focus on relationships down the road, but I know that that will help much later on.

Part of it for me is that I’m rather traditional / conservative in my Catholic beliefs, so for part of me it’s reconciling being faithful to what I believe. Part of it is also the fact that sex wasn’t much of a topic growing up, so I’m still growing into myself in that regard. I don’t want to blame my upbringing / parents, but it is a factor, and something I’m looking to change.

To be honest, I do believe that there are kernels of truth here, and that I do need to grow in certain areas to become a better person overall. I’m trying to change what I can—I know that some things are ‘hard-wired’ within me, so will take extra amounts to change, and some aspects of my personality won’t totally change, and I am working to be at peace with that.

[Bo562]

GAL....

Haircut this afternoon. This weekend, W made a comment about my hair and offered to cut it for me, like she would.

I declined--told her I'll do it and I'll go someplace to get it done. Wanted to do it last week but am doing it today.

A recent goal of mine has been to look into some new dress shirts for work (I wear dress shirts most days). The current shirts are from at least 15 lbs or more ago--now I'm around 178 or so.

My preferred shirt is on sale, and I went to try a neck size lower, and slightly shorter sleeve length in slim fit--I know it's a department store mirror, but I really like how I look. Like wow--was amazed, and proud.

Will look into ordering online later tonight or tomorrow in a few colors. Hopefully shirts will show off weight lost but also induce me to get in better shape hopefully, or at least not gain weight back (I weigh about 20-25 lbs. less than wedding day). PMA and good healthy body image.

[Adam04]

Bo that sounds awesome man. Keep up the PMA. I got a ways to go to get there , trying to get down one more size before any major wardrobe updates.

[Bo562]

Thanks, Adam.

Ordered a few shirts, got them on sale. Boom. Happy Valentines’ Day to me.

Would like to see if I can get 2 others in different colors in my new size (like an off-blue, and a dark purple). I wear deeply-colored dress shirts (a now-former student called them ‘saturated,’ and she is right—that is the best adjective) because I’m so fair (blonde-hair, blue-eyes).

I’ve put this off for far too long, and it’s about time I did something for myself.

I still have a ways to go in terms of updating wardrobe (new polos, jeans, some new t-shirts, dress pants), but this is a step in the right direction—because this is daily wear for work.

Honestly, fresh haircut plus new better-fitting dress shirts, I’ll feel (and probably look like) a totally new and different man.

If I can just add some muscle (or at least tone / firm up what I have), I’ll feel and look pretty amazing.

I am proud of the weight-loss—done since Lent 2016 (my Lenten resolution that year), and really in-depth since that fall (30 lbs. since Sept. 2016). At around 176-178 I’m at my ‘target’ weight—I don’t want to go too much further down, but I also don’t want to erase any positive gains I’ve made either. I’d like to stay about this weight, so now I can update clothes as needed.

I’ve mentioned this on other threads, but I’ve always kinda struggled with body image. Not that I’m necessarily bad-looking, or that I was seriously overweight, but I’ve at times had difficulties seeing how I could be physically attractive to someone else, if that makes sense. I just didn’t really see it in myself, but I could see it in others, and I could see it in W (and I would often tell her and hug / hold / touch in a way that I wanted her to know that).

For a school project for OS a few weeks ago, W printed out some pics of him and family members from CVS, and one pic is me carrying him, with W’s father in the pic at a pro baseball game in SoCal from this past summer. OS and I have big smiles on our faces, and when I saw the pic, I thought—that’s me, that’s what I look like? I look great. Tall, relatively thin, good definition in forearms and calves (from where / how I was carrying OS), my head cocked at an angle, a big smile on my face and I’m wearing sunglasses.

Right now? I love how I look. Just need some more muscle, but as is, I’m quite happy with how I look. It’s not something I’ve said very often, or thought I would find myself saying.

[AnotherStander]

Ordered a few shirts, got them on sale. Boom. Happy Valentines’ Day to me.

Excellent! It sounds like you've slimmed down a lot, if off-the-shelf stuff gets to where it doesn't fit you well, check out BestCustomShirt on the web. I have a relatively small waist and bigger upper body for my size and off-the-shelf shirts look horrible on me, they balloon out at the waist like a bedouin tent. BCS is basically tailor-made shirts at about the cost of store-bought. It takes a few shirts to get the measurements really dialed in but once you do you'll be amazed at how much better you look in a well-fitted shirt. And there is a huge range of colors available.

Your haircut comment reminded me that my ex used to cut my hair, she did for most of our M. I had completely forgotten about that! It was curiously intimate, I think we both enjoyed it.

At around 176-178 I’m at my ‘target’ weight—I don’t want to go too much further down, but I also don’t want to erase any positive gains I’ve made either.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this here but I am very into counting macros to lose weight without losing muscle mass. It most definitely works. I've helped others do it as well. I can't describe the whole process here but do Google it, there are a lot of resources available. The beauty of counting macros is there are no "forbidden foods", I've even had a beer or margarita or piece of chocolate cake while doing it. Counting makes you take in such things in moderation, but you'll find that usually that's enough to keep you from wanting to binge like you would on a diet. The key is don't lose more than 2 pounds a week or you'll start losing muscle mass, and keep your protein intake high (1 gram per pound bodyweight). I've cut down to 10% bodyfat before by just counting macros without really changing the food I ate that much. I'm around 14% now because I'm about to compete in the Crossfit Open (locally) but once it's over I'm going to cut again.

I’ve mentioned this on other threads, but I’ve always kinda struggled with body image. Not that I’m necessarily bad-looking, or that I was seriously overweight, but I’ve at times had difficulties seeing how I could be physically attractive to someone else, if that makes sense.

Men place a lot of value on how women LOOK. Women place a lot of value on how men ACT. Women are attracted to a gentleman who oozes confidence. Dress nice and carry a little swagger and that will more than overcome anything lacking in the looks department (if there is anything lacking!)

[Bo562]

Excellent! It sounds like you've slimmed down a lot, if off-the-shelf stuff gets to where it doesn't fit you well, check out BestCustomShirt on the web. I have a relatively small waist and bigger upper body for my size and off-the-shelf shirts look horrible on me, they balloon out at the waist like a bedouin tent. BCS is basically tailor-made shirts at about the cost of store-bought. It takes a few shirts to get the measurements really dialed in but once you do you'll be amazed at how much better you look in a well-fitted shirt. And there is a huge range of colors available.

Thanks, AS. 30 lbs. is about 1/6th of my current weight; 1/7th of old. Yikes! I can only imagine how much worse I’d feel physically / mentally if I was still carrying that weight around. Basically, 25 lbs. is the equivalent of a literal spare tire. No wonder I’d feel so bad physically and mentally!

My current shirts are large in the neck (I’ve never really taken a serious look at my neck measurements), so I went down a size when I tried on some shirts yesterday—better fit there, but also elsewhere because the shirt has to be slimmer for the reduced neck size.

I like the ‘Bedouin tent’ analogy—my current shirts are big-ish, and while I’m received compliments from female co-workers about my weight loss, and one colleague told me that my shirts look fine, but I told her that I was looking into getting newer, better-fitting ones.

Your haircut comment reminded me that my ex used to cut my hair, she did for most of our M. I had completely forgotten about that! It was curiously intimate, I think we both enjoyed it.

Yup. W used to do that for me; I found it weird she offered this weekend—she’s effectively fired me as H, and now this?

One breath she’s all ‘I don’t want to be your wife / I don’t want to be married to you / We’re not compatible at all ETC.’ BLAH BLAH BLAH and then she offers to act like W in the past.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this here but I am very into counting macros to lose weight without losing muscle mass. It most definitely works. I've helped others do it as well. I can't describe the whole process here but do Google it, there are a lot of resources available. The beauty of counting macros is there are no "forbidden foods", I've even had a beer or margarita or piece of chocolate cake while doing it. Counting makes you take in such things in moderation, but you'll find that usually that's enough to keep you from wanting to binge like you would on a diet. The key is don't lose more than 2 pounds a week or you'll start losing muscle mass, and keep your protein intake high (1 gram per pound bodyweight). I've cut down to 10% bodyfat before by just counting macros without really changing the food I ate that much. I'm around 14% now because I'm about to compete in the Crossfit Open (locally) but once it's over I'm going to cut again.

I’ve basically lost weight through mostly diet. I’ve cut down on the carbs massively—though I still have a weakness for French fries, chips, good bread, and I had donuts for breakfast this morning.

I’ve been eating protein (especially lots of chicken), veggies (always loved eating salad and veggies, even as a child), and full-fat dairy helps. Drinking plenty of water helps, plus cutting out sugary drinks. I think back to when I stayed home with OS, and I drank quite a bit of canned Coca-Cola. I think about that now, and I can’t believe I did that. I’m not above a Coke every now and then (especially out to eat, and I keep a 6-pack of Coke in my class in case I really need the caffeine or my blood sugar is really low), but I’ve cut back on it drastically. Watching portions has helped me, too.

Men place a lot of value on how women LOOK. Women place a lot of value on how men ACT. Women are attracted to a gentleman who oozes confidence. Dress nice and carry a little swagger and that will more than overcome anything lacking in the looks department (if there is anything lacking!)

Confidence is crucial, and an area in which I’ve gone back and forth on in my life. Sometimes I’ve had a lot of confidence, sometimes less so.

Hoping a newer, refined daily outfit will help me with the confidence. I’d like to strike the balance between having a bit of swagger, and flat out arrogance.

I frequently tell my students, a good number of whom are athletes, about the importance of ‘look good, feel good, play good,’ and they immediately get it.

I also tell my students that the first 2 rules of public speaking are 1.) know your audience and 2.) have confidence. These are things that I do daily as a teacher. I’ve told them that if I didn’t have at least some confidence in myself I wouldn’t have lasted as a teacher (this is my 5th year). And to a certain extent, I get the ‘fake-it-til-you-make-it.’

The only things I’d really change are my hair (thinning at top, hence why I keep it short), but I’ve come to peace with it, and add muscle / tone it up.

Heh! It's amazing how fast a WAS (whether man or woman) will throw out their "moral standards" for a little fling no matter how staunchly religious they were before. They can find a thousand ways to justify their behavior to God and everyone else.

Ripping this from Nicole’s thread so I don’t hijack her thread.

Yeah—it’s stunning the 180 she’s made on this, even though I never expected perfect congruence between her and I on faith / spirituality. She admitted to me that she’s made her peace with God about D, even though our church probably won’t be okay with it.

[AnotherStander]

Basically, 25 lbs. is the equivalent of a literal spare tire. No wonder I’d feel so bad physically and mentally!

Yes! Sometimes we do a Fireman's Carry in Crossfit (walk 400 meters with a 45 pound plate in each hand) and man it really makes you realize how much some extra weight taxes you in something as simple as just walking!

Yup. W used to do that for me; I found it weird she offered this weekend—she’s effectively fired me as H, and now this?

One breath she’s all ‘I don’t want to be your wife / I don’t want to be married to you / We’re not compatible at all ETC.’ BLAH BLAH BLAH and then she offers to act like W in the past.

Yeah you've just gotta love the cake-eating! Makes no sense but what does in WASland.

I’m not above a Coke every now and then

I hate coffee so Diet Dr Pepper is my "comfort food" lol! I can cut a lot out of my diet but that I will never give up.

The only things I’d really change are my hair (thinning at top, hence why I keep it short), but I’ve come to peace with it, and add muscle / tone it up.

My hair is very thin on top, has been for ages. I keep mine short too, but I do that not to de-emphasize it but just because I ride motorcycles and work out and like as little head maintenance as possible, LOL! Honestly I never even think about it. I don't wear hats to hide it or whatever. I think men care way more about their own hair than anyone else does. I'm sure you know bald men, you don't look at them and think "oh wow is he ever bald" you just think "there's Jim."

Yeah—it’s stunning the 180 she’s made on this, even though I never expected perfect congruence between her and I on faith / spirituality. She admitted to me that she’s made her peace with God about D, even though our church probably won’t be okay with it.

And THAT is the whole WAS mindset right there. She's made peace with God about it. SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT GOD THINKS ABOUT IT. She has justified it to herself to the point that SHE thinks it's OK with God too. Hitler thought genocide was a good idea. Hitler did not see himself as evil, quite the contrary, he thought he was ushering in a better world. I'm not saying she is the same as Hitler, but the attitude is the same pure arrogance and selfishness, thinking we know what is best for everyone and that we can impose our own morality on the rest of the world. That is really the definition of evil. Doing bad things to others while convincing yourself you're in the right, and having zero remorse over it.

[Twofeet]

Lol Bo, she made piece with God. You should ask her if she is even Catholic anymore. Under Catholic faith she can never be divorced from you. Civilly divorced yes, annulled yes, but divorced in God's eyes or the church, nope.

[Twofeet]

Btw I don't suggest you explain this to her. Goes on deaf ears and reeks of rationality. Logic and WAS dont really go together.

[Bo562]

Thanks, TF.

Wasn’t planned on doing that, anyway.

But yeah logic doesn’t really go with her right now.

Besides, she’s frequently accusing me of having a ‘superiority’ complex, and acting all ‘superior’ to her, though I’ve been trying to DB and detach.

Last thing I’d want to do is have her accuse me of that again, or use it as further basis for that accusation.