W said she was done and deleted his contact....last night again she was laying on couch and phone was right there and 2 texts and OMs # were on screen. I told her her bf was calling...I know passive aggressive, impatient, etc etc.
You're in a tough situation, because she's sort of softening her position towards you but she's still clinging to OM at the same time. If she were still a full-blown WAS then the below advice would be different, but I don't think she is so here we go:
I agree that your reaction was P/A, a better response would have been something like "I thought you told me you would block OM, it hurts me to see that you are still in contact with him." Let her know how it makes you feel, and do it in language that isn't confrontational or blaming.
Quote
but did say they were still friends.
Tell her something like "I would like to work on the M with you but I do not feel we can effectively do that as long as you remain in any kind of relationship with him. I would like for you to tell him to quit contacting you, and then block him. That would make me feel much better about where we are going. Do you think this is something you can agree to?"
Quote
So I flipped off a little and did not sleep in bed with her.
That's also a P/A response. Try to think of ways to resolve issues by communicating with her rather than ignoring her. Because the former will let her know you've grown and changed while the latter will just look like "more of the same" behavior.
Quote
The right thing to do was ignore as things seem to have been fizzleing and she has been moving closer and closer to me.
Ignoring it is absolutely the wrong thing to do! Ignore it and it will just cause resentment to build.
AS, very good advice. I had the opportunity to discuss with W that contact with OM and not informing him to NC and not blocking was hurtful even though she claimed she didn't want to hurt me. She acknowledged that she was sorry and we left it there. It removed the tension and was a good conversation that if she wants to purse a relationship with me that this was necessary.
We'll see but appreciate your take. It was the perfect approach.
LH19,
I see potential R because she has shifted attention back to me. Her efforts have shifted towards us. It has been discussed that we are stuck here until she decides to end contact and focus on whether we want to have a relationship going forward.
The boundary that I let down a bit early was staying in the MBR with her. I told W that I would not share that space until OM was out of the picture.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
AS, very good advice. I had the opportunity to discuss with W that contact with OM and not informing him to NC and not blocking was hurtful even though she claimed she didn't want to hurt me. She acknowledged that she was sorry and we left it there. It removed the tension and was a good conversation that if she wants to purse a relationship with me that this was necessary.
We'll see but appreciate your take. It was the perfect approach.
You're welcome! And well-done, I know it's not always easy to follow pointers given here, sometimes I wish I was better at following my own advice
It has been discussed that we are stuck here until she decides to end contact and focus on whether we want to have a relationship going forward.
So in other words take your time and figure out if you want OM and then get back to me when you decide. Does that work for you? Is it some sort of a competition?
I think you are doing fine Lost. You have communicated your feelings and your boundaries and you are staying out of a "power struggle". She has to make her decisions and you have to make yours but neither of you can force the other one to do anything different. You each have to want that. Time is on your side.
I think you are reading me wrong. I am doing my best me and moving on. It has only been at that point where I stopped worrying what she decides to do.
My mistake was thinking she was on the brink of R and leaning back in too quickly. I think I am over anxious to get to R to really evaluate if this is the person I want to spend more of my life with. I am not begging, I am not desperate, but closure is something I think LBSs are looking for before they can make this decision.
AS gave me the advice to reaffirm my boundary of NC before WW claims to be making an effort. I have been through the cake eating stage and will not tolerate it any further. Move back in or move on.
Last edited by lost8; 02/07/1909:11 PM.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
LH,I think you are reading me wrong. I am doing my best me and moving on. It has only been at that point where I stopped worrying what she decides to do.
Fair enough. I am not up to date on your sitch and may have misread what you were trying to communicate.
