I guess Im a little confused. Are you planning to go through with mediation? My understanding is that the process requires both parties to come to the table and discuss and agree on terms. If thats not what youre planning, then why agree to it? Is there anything you need to fight for?
I am not going to stop her for what she believes is best - but I also don't plan on helping her file and get the ball rolling. (She is in this crazy WW state of mind and ideally wakes up from fog before she tears the family apart -- but I understand that is not realistic at this point). From what she has said (she doesnt want my money, kids will be 50/50, etc) mediator route is easiest/fastest in her mind. I definitely don't want a long financial battle, and she def does not either.
But the specifics of who is moving out, how we are dealing with kids after school/weekend schedules etc is something I am interested to see her provide.
If I am not happy with what she first draws up, yes, I will fight.
Man, just getting initial L consults is hard! They are either booked and not taking on any new cases, scheduling weeks/months out, or want $200 just for initial consultation!
I guess Im a little confused. Are you planning to go through with mediation? My understanding is that the process requires both parties to come to the table and discuss and agree on terms. If thats not what youre planning, then why agree to it? Is there anything you need to fight for?
I am not going to stop her for what she believes is best - but I also don't plan on helping her file and get the ball rolling.
I didnt say for you to pick up the ball and take care of everything. But if you know that a mediator isnt going to work, then its silly to have her spin her wheels. So I think usually before you go to a mediator, you may want to make sure you are aligned on key issues - some financials and custody and things like that. Sure, you can have her draft a proposal, but that wasnt what I was understanding from your initial post.
MoveFrwd - understood. But being as how I don't approve of the D (she did not try to work on anything and just threw in towel.. most likely thinking grass is greener with EA / OM) - I am not in a rush to go from marriage that I had no idea anything was wrong to legal D within now a month and a half.
As I read my state laws - you have to have "Irretrievable breakdown in relationship for a period of at least six months" in order to file for no-fault. I am not sure how that time frame is time-boxed, I assume from BD which was right around new years.
MoveFrwd - understood. But being as how I don't approve of the D (she did not try to work on anything and just threw in towel.. most likely thinking grass is greener with EA / OM) - I am not in a rush to go from marriage that I had no idea anything was wrong to legal D within now a month and a half.
I guess Im not sure your frame of mind. Which do you think has a more likely chance at a positive outcome?
1) you dragging your feet and making it difficult for you to divorce, causing your marriage to go on longer. 2) you providing information as requested and your W is free to make her own choices
I guess my point is that the more you try to cling to the "marriage", the harder she will try to get away and the more she will resent you. Fight for what you want/deserve in the financial and custodial aspects. But forcing her to stay married longer because "you didnt know anything was wrong" or "you dont believe her claims allow for filing": or whatever other reason will only lead to more resentment and rebellion.
It seems I am getting conflicting advice here, which I suppose should not be a surprise. Some say 'let her file and do all the work' , some say 'help carry on/move along the D process'.
I guess at the end of the day it is all up to me of course.
If this was a prolonged IHS with anger and kids effected by it, I would be more inclined to hurry along the D. However I believe WW is living a fairy tale life right now with EA / OM and really not has thought all this through yet. I am inclined for her to go through the litigation / mediation process consults to hopefully put some sense in her.
The way I look at it - time is on my side - no matter outcome of Marriage.
IF you are tired of it and want to move on, then do the latter. If you are still morally opposed to the idea of D then do the former.
The point with the first one is simple, most of the time the WAS will not follow through. The point of the second one is that once the LBS gets tired of limbo and fed up they will go ahead and pull the trigger on D.
It isn't so much conflicting advice as advice for where you are. The general rule is to give your sitch a good year before throwing in the towel. But that requires fortitude, patience, and self-control.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
