Into the Fire (LB55 thread 2)

[LB55]

Thanks for the thoughts and wishes everyone. Things went ok today.

The judge ruled that I don’t need supervision to see the kids so that is really great. I can see them on weekends, only during the day until I have a place and then they can stay with me every other weekend. I am still going for 50-50 in the final version. This is my opportunity to prove myself to the court.

I don’t agree with the financials very much. I have to pay $1500 of her legal fees, she gets all income from both rental homes, plus I owe $2000 in maintenance and $1776 in child support. So basically she gets $7395 a month to sit at home watching Netflix and I have $3270 a month to live on until the mediation process and final agreements are done. Kind of [censored], but at least I get to see the kids. Rent is about $2000 for a 3 bed place here, leaves me pretty short month to month. Not sure I want to execute my plan to kind of slow things down now and give her time to think about the realization of all this. She got her cake and gets to eat it too.

I have to get re-evaluated for alcohol dependency because I used a military doctor instead of a civilian one and they think he is partial. Plus I have to go see a therapist again because evidently psychology is different in CA than in WA so that doesn’t count either. Oh well, fairly simple things all in all I guess.

[Ready2Change]

One step at a time. Get the rental setup. Thrift store things if needed. Kids beds and desks before your things.

Do research on "Right of First refusal" I would push for this as part of the path to 50/50.

Look into local fathers rights groups.

[LB55]

I am familiar with right of first refusal and it will be something I ask for. I am scouring the Internet for a place, I think I found a tow home at $1700 a month that will work. Have to try and see it tomorrow. Once I do that and hopefully get approved to get in there, then off to find beds for the kids and a few basic necessities.

I will just use all the furniture she stuck in the airplane hangar for me. The judge looked at her sideways and ended she said she put all of my favorites things in there but didn’t want to give me a key.

[harvey]

Some of your sitches make me feel fortunate that my XW is a generally good person. I feel lucky that we remained amicable and that child support and child custody were fair.

[Ready2Change]

LB,

Always rubs me the wrong way when irresponsibility is rewarded. I hope those numbers are only temporary.

R2C

[LB55]

Yes I am hopeful that they are temporary too. Waiting for the actual paperwork to review and make sure that’s what it says. That’s what I remember him saying, but my L says it’s different in her mind. We might be able to negotiate it a bit. But these are the temp orders, not the permanaent ones. That’s a ways off still. Changes my tactics a bit which was going to be to hold out for a while I review a page a day or per week as I see fit and make her start seeing the financial reality of her decision. Instead she gets $4000 a month to go on vacations with. Have to make sure the numbers are right and then figure out the next steps beyond my housing.

[AnotherStander]

The judge ruled that I don’t need supervision to see the kids so that is really great. I can see them on weekends, only during the day until I have a place and then they can stay with me every other weekend. I am still going for 50-50 in the final version. This is my opportunity to prove myself to the court.

Awesome, sounds like a good plan!

she gets all income from both rental homes, plus I owe $2000 in maintenance and $1776 in child support. So basically she gets $7395 a month to sit at home watching Netflix and I have $3270 a month to live on until the mediation process and final agreements are done.

Wow, that does not sound fair at all. Hopefully that will change in the final settlement, but man that is crazy.

I have to get re-evaluated for alcohol dependency because I used a military doctor instead of a civilian one and they think he is partial. Plus I have to go see a therapist again because evidently psychology is different in CA than in WA so that doesn’t count either.

Maybe they tilted things in her favor pending the results of these.

[LB55]

So a few updates.

Got approved for my new place, didn't think I would have a problem, but it's nice to have that done. Hoping to set a move in date for next week, depends upon weather right now as its pretty dicey for most in the region right now. I drove 6 hours to see family today, I am not one that is afraid of the snow.

Lots of people coming together to help me. Got a lot of donations of house stuff to get me going; pots and pans, bedding, furniture, etc. Really awesome to get help from so many unexpected places. Family and church driving s lot of it. Thankful for it all.

Also going to attend a codependency support group next Tuesday. I have been reading a book about the topic, and it's really good. I have been codependent upon W for years now as I look back. Hopeful it will help with detachment.

I emailed W to ask about weekend plans for me and kids, given the rough weather they probably didn't have baseball tryouts, but everything would likely be closed for us to go do things. I had texted her as well, but got no reply, so I tried email. Turns out she blocked me on her phone, so she never got the texts. We worked through some details of kids and visits, she is being a little flexible on schedule, so that is a good start. A ways to go still, but giving a little ground.

She wants to get the credit card payed off, and since there isn't enough joint account money left, she wants us to sell some joint investments to do it. I am not against this idea, it meets my goal of getting it closed out. However she then said she also wants to sell some extra to help our individual checking accounts meet needs during this transition because she is sure we both need it. My account is just fine. What I hear from that is 'I am feeling the financial squeeze already and want more to feel comfortable'. She wants me to take care of it before the 1st. I suspect her first payments are due for all her new furniture and her ski trip and L fees and stuff are adding up.

I said 'I am not prepared to discuss finances right now', proposed meeting in person to discuss the financials and taxes and all that stuff next week over lunch because it's way easier than email, and if we can be mature about it will save us lots over paying L to deal with it. She said she doesn't want to do it in person because we have too many intense emotions, but she will think about it for the future. Guilt is an intense emotion for her. I will just keep doing my thing.

She also wants to discuss what we should tell our friends at little league. I vote for the truth. She wants something that isn't awkward. I want to reply with:

"W filed for D 3 days before Christmas while I was in the air coming home to visit, filed a restraining order that prevented me from seeing my family, and had a stranger give it to me in a gas station parking lot at 10pm when I was expecting W to pick me up."

It's only awkward for her.

Also said she told the kids she moved all my stuff to storage to ensure I had my favorite things and make this easier on me when I get my new place. How thoughtful of her.

This is where it starts for real for me, communication and not making any missteps. Glad I have had time to start getting my thoughts in order. I haven't replied to any of her email yet. Feedback and thoughts?

[svdad]

LB55 just reading your sitch and praying for you brother. You got this. When she goes low you go high.

[Ready2Change]

H(email)"W, I understand that you prefer not to communicate with me, but I feel it is extremely important for us to be able to communicate about parenting issues. I believe Email should be the primary way to do this. It will keep the emotions out of important conversations and allow us both to express our thoughts. More urgent parenting issues will occasionally come up, so I believe it is equally important that we are able to text each other. If you choose to continue to block my calls, I will bring this topic up with the parenting coordinator (or other expert) for their opinion. Thank you for your understand."