My sense is that MC only works if both parties go in with the goal of saving the marriage. Far too often one party enters with that goal while the other is looking to show that they "did everything" before leaving, or feel the need to have a safe space to be honest about wanting out. That's how it played out for me. Two weeks of over-the-phone MC and WW was ready to BD.
I wouldn't do MC unless you are sure that she is doing it to save the MR. My sense is that is the consensus around here.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
See that's what I think Over i feel like she will just use this as ammunition that she tried. Its definitely a gamble. Should I ask what she hopes to get from MC, her intentions, or is that R talk I should avoid?
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/19/1908:26 PM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Well I asked like an idiot. She says for understanding. Didnt sound like reconciling is on the table. Convo got a little warm so I validated and will keep Dbing. Yet again though we did have sex but no kissing. I made an attempt but only get small pecks.
Last edited by ScottG31; 01/20/1904:23 AM.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Yes I'm familiar with Albert's theory. Past relationships I've had were not serious. To be honest ,shes the first person I've ever really been in love with. Yeah it went to crap a long time ago due to my insecurities, controlling, emotional abuse, never physical. I've been seeing an IC for abandonment issues for a couple months now. I've decided to put MC off the table until I get a better feel that she wants to reconcile. What type of changes would you suggest in my approach? She has kids from her first marriage, I have none. For a long time i was critical of them about chores, boundaries, etc. They also have witnessed arguments her and I have had so that contributes to her families dislike for me undoubtedly.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Honestly a peace has overwhelmed me. I do not want a D. However, as times goes by I'm starting to realize that someone's lapdog I cant be.... Empoweremt, self sufficiency is overwhelming me and Im beginning to love it's high.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
Scott, that's a great thing to read. But I'll temper your statements with my response: you will swing back and forth. Be prepared. It's how emotions seem to work. You need to become emotionally intelligent, or at least more than you were. You need to realize that when those emotions swing back, that you can get through. If you need to, make a plan for what you'll do when you have that emotional dip. To me, it sounds like a lot of thinking, but during these situations, we need to be prepared to crush our doubts - and those doubts will come at our lowest points. PMA and nothing else.
Now go reread Sandi's rules, the validation links, and detachment thread!!! Haha homework!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well she left. Said shes leaving for 3 days to do some self care. She needs a mental break. She took her kids and went to her moms 300 miles away. She will be back home tomorrow night. Blocked my number blocked all media accounts. I'm unsure if I'm ok with this. If I just act like nothing happened when she returns am I being a pushover?
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
If you aren't OK with it, what can you do about it? Nothing, right? So go all "Hakuna Matata" in regards to her getting away. You should use the time as a mental break for yourself. Go do guy stuff with the bros.
Scott you are getting too up and down based on what she does. Can you change this? You aren't being a pushover if you act like nothing happened. But you probably want to act like "I hope you had a good time". Mental breaks are relieving.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You're right Over. I can change this. I'm going to act unaffected and support her self care and explain to her that she should do it more often. What irks me is totally blocking me ignoring me etc. I don't really have any bros due to moving to a new area. I also just have this undying feeling that she is planning her exit routine. It's scary as hell to honest.
H36 W37 SD14 SS16 M 2 YEARS BD 12/25/2018 Still living together, sleeping together, etc
