Still in Limbo

[bubbs16]

i guess lots of reasons. they dont want the lbs to know ? they are scared? they think they can fix it themselves? im not really sure. Of course some of it is them rewriting history .

I will never for the life of me understand how anyone can fake happiness for years. Perhaps he was scared to tell me how he was feeling. Maybe he was scared to hurt my feelings. But hopefully he will see that is not how to handle things. Hopefully he will at least learn that lesson before he gets into another R.

Heck even if they sat you down and said look Im really struggling in the M and these are the things that need to be adressed moving forward or im not sure i can keep doing this any longer .

That is exactly what should have happened. He should have addressed the issues he had before he allowed them to fester. It just shows me that he lacks some serious relationship skills. The crazy thing is we always talked about how important communication is in a M. We vowed to communicate with one another.

I don’t claim to be perfect and some of the issues he had with me he has every right to have. I just wish he would have come to me. I wish he would have felt comfortable enough to come and talk to me. I wish he would have known that I would have truly listened and worked on my shortcomings.

But after listening to him, I’m not sure that even if I would have fixed everything it would have been enough. It’s obviously not enough now. I just think he really doesn’t want to be with me and like he said, I’m just not the woman for him.

No they just get to a point where they say I'm done. 100% done. I dont want to work on it and you cant fix yourself

And that’s the part that hurts the most. You will throw away 13 years before ever even trying. So what that means to me is that you were never really 100 % committed to this M. I’m not an irrational person...I would have way more respect for him if he would have come to me and if he actually at least tried work on the M before just pulling the plug.

So when we took our wedding vows when we said for better or for worse. What he really meant was I’m only here for the better. When we said in good times and bad. What he really meant was I’m only here for the good times. When the bad times come I’m out. When he said and forsaken all others. What he really meant is only when I feel I’m getting what I want. When I’m not, I’ll go out and cheat.

When we with through pre-marital counseling with our pastor, it’s obvious he didn’t listen or really take heed the advice we were given.

Again I wasn’t perfect, I failed too. The difference is I’m doing the work self and was willing to work on the M.

I always told my wife the #1 thing i ask for out of a r is honesty and communication. So ya to not communicate to me that she was having thoughts of this really hurts me. See looking back my W told me some of my shortcomings and i didnt work on them. She never once said im gonna leave you if you dont fix them or antyhign like that. Or lets go to mc so we can work on these things that bother me.

I'm not sure that means they were never 100% committed but there could be something there .

The wedding vows for sure I know how you feel. I stood by my w's side when she was going thru some very rough times in her life and ya i was miserable maybe for a bit because of the situation but i didnt leave her .. I stuck with our M and helped her /waited for her to get thru those hard times.

[LB55]

I will never for the life of me understand how anyone can fake happiness for years. Perhaps he was scared to tell me how he was feeling. Maybe he was scared to hurt my feelings. But hopefully he will see that is not how to handle things. Hopefully he will at least learn that lesson before he gets into another R.

I am not sure they were unhappy. The rewriting history part of this makes it seem as if there were no happy moments. To my knowledge our M was happy until November 2018. 12 years. On oct 7 W posted a beautiful anniversary message about our future and can't wait to spend the rest of our life together. In November she asked me to leave the house and I got a restraining order and divorce papers 4 days before Christmas. Says she has never been happy, everything is my fault, she can't be with someone like me, etc. it really cuts deep for all of us.

That is exactly what should have happened. He should have addressed the issues he had before he allowed them to fester. It just shows me that he lacks some serious relationship skills. The crazy thing is we always talked about how important communication is in a M. We vowed to communicate with one another.

I don’t claim to be perfect and some of the issues he had with me he has every right to have. I just wish he would have come to me. I wish he would have felt comfortable enough to come and talk to me. I wish he would have known that I would have truly listened and worked on my shortcomings.

Yes this is a large source of frustration. If things are bad, normal people address the problem and give a chance to the other person to fix themselves. Not getting an opportunity to demonstrate a willingness to change before blowing up the whole family is devastating and leaves a lot of 'what ifs' in your mind.

And that’s the part that hurts the most. You will throw away 13 years before ever even trying. So what that means to me is that you were never really 100 % committed to this M. I’m not an irrational person...I would have way more respect for him if he would have come to me and if he actually at least tried work on the M before just pulling the plug.

The lack of commitment in the tough times really eats at me too. Quitting just isn't in my blood. Especially quitting on my W, that's just Unfathomable to me. Hard to know if they were never committed or just decided one day they would quit. Likely we will never know the truth.

Again I wasn’t perfect, I failed too. The difference is I’m doing the work self and was willing to work on the M.

None of us are perfect. It's just not possible. Recognizing failures and working to improve is maturity. You will benefit in the end and find your happiness.

[Living]

So here are some lessons I’m learning from my sitch. I’m typing these out because maybe they will help someone else out. I’m also typing them out to hold myself accountable.

* Don’t take your spouse for granted - I’m guilty of that.
* Enjoy the nice things he does for you but also return the favor.
* Don’t neglect your spouse sexually or intimately - I did both and I know it put a huge strain on our M.
* Support your spouse, they are a human with feelings and emotions.
* Encourage and uplift your spouse.
* Affirm your spouse.
* Make them feel appreciated.
* Communicate when issues arise. Don’t allow them to fester. And when you do address be direct and make it known how serious you are.
* Nuture and feed your marriage. Just like a plant needs water and food to grow, so does a marriage. Make time for each other. The dating shouldn’t stop after marriage. Date your spouse. Marriage takes work and if you want it to last, don’t stop working on it.
* Realize that it’s ok to not spend every waking moment together. It’s ok for you to have separate hobbies. It’s ok that you are two individual people.
* Again communicate.
* After the wedding the real work begins, show up everyday ready to work.

Other lessons I’m learning

* Marry someone who won’t be so easy to give up. I’m not 100% sure how you’ll know this during the dating phase. But maybe the amount of relationships your mate has been in is an indication. Have they jumped from one relationship to the next? And if so, why?
* Marry someone who is capable of communicating.
* Marry someone who isn’t a quitter.
* Marry someone who believes in wedding vows and takes them seriously.
* Pick a mate who has a firm sense of who they are as a person.
* Marry someone who has their own goals and aspirations.
* Spend time really getting to know someone. Don’t be in a rush to jump in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to REALLY get to know someone before committing.
* Marry someone who has done the work on themselves. This includes dealing with childhood traumas. Make sure the person has at least sought therapy for these things.
* Find someone who has some sense of how relationships should work.

I’m sure I can think of more but that’s a good list for now. I’m also writing this down in my journal. I have ordered a few self help books on relationships and marriage. I’m hurt right now. I’m devastated right now. However, I’m committed to doing the work on myself.

Hopefully after reading and working on myself, I will be a better person, and a better wife to someone in the future. My H basically said that I failed at being the w he needed. And in a lot of ways he is absolutely correct.

I pray for healing.
I pray that God gives me clarity.
I pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change.
I pray for peace.
I pray for my H. I wish him the best and hope someday he will find everything that his heart desires.

[bubbs16]

I will never for the life of me understand how anyone can fake happiness for years. Perhaps he was scared to tell me how he was feeling. Maybe he was scared to hurt my feelings. But hopefully he will see that is not how to handle things. Hopefully he will at least learn that lesson before he gets into another R.

I am not sure they were unhappy. The rewriting history part of this makes it seem as if there were no happy moments. To my knowledge our M was happy until November 2018. 12 years. On oct 7 W posted a beautiful anniversary message about our future and can't wait to spend the rest of our life together. In November she asked me to leave the house and I got a restraining order and divorce papers 4 days before Christmas. Says she has never been happy, everything is my fault, she can't be with someone like me, etc. it really cuts deep for all of us.

That is exactly what should have happened. He should have addressed the issues he had before he allowed them to fester. It just shows me that he lacks some serious relationship skills. The crazy thing is we always talked about how important communication is in a M. We vowed to communicate with one another.

I don’t claim to be perfect and some of the issues he had with me he has every right to have. I just wish he would have come to me. I wish he would have felt comfortable enough to come and talk to me. I wish he would have known that I would have truly listened and worked on my shortcomings.

Yes this is a large source of frustration. If things are bad, normal people address the problem and give a chance to the other person to fix themselves. Not getting an opportunity to demonstrate a willingness to change before blowing up the whole family is devastating and leaves a lot of 'what ifs' in your mind.

And that’s the part that hurts the most. You will throw away 13 years before ever even trying. So what that means to me is that you were never really 100 % committed to this M. I’m not an irrational person...I would have way more respect for him if he would have come to me and if he actually at least tried work on the M before just pulling the plug.

The lack of commitment in the tough times really eats at me too. Quitting just isn't in my blood. Especially quitting on my W, that's just Unfathomable to me. Hard to know if they were never committed or just decided one day they would quit. Likely we will never know the truth.

Again I wasn’t perfect, I failed too. The difference is I’m doing the work self and was willing to work on the M.

None of us are perfect. It's just not possible. Recognizing failures and working to improve is maturity. You will benefit in the end and find your happiness.

All sounds so familiar buddy. I also had posts from w and all signs of your amazing husband cant wait to spend rest of my life with you . you make me better person etc etc and i love you more then anything in the world. then BOOM BLOW UP "im not happy and havent been for a long time , if ever "

[Living]

[quote=Living]
I will never for the life of me understand how anyone can fake happiness for years. Perhaps he was scared to tell me how he was feeling. Maybe he was scared to hurt my feelings. But hopefully he will see that is not how to handle things. Hopefully he will at least learn that lesson before he gets into another R.

I am not sure they were unhappy. The rewriting history part of this makes it seem as if there were no happy moments. To my knowledge our M was happy until November 2018. 12 years. On oct 7 W posted a beautiful anniversary message about our future and can't wait to spend the rest of our life together. In November she asked me to leave the house and I got a restraining order and divorce papers 4 days before Christmas. Says she has never been happy, everything is my fault, she can't be with someone like me, etc. it really cuts deep for all of us.

Sorry to hear about your sitch LB55. The fact that so many of us are here on this forum proves how much marriage has changed over the years. People are just so quick to give up. My IC says she’s always amazed at how many couples come into her office and are so quick to give up. She said it’s like a lot of people really aren’t willing to do the work.

I honestly don’t believe he was unhappy for as long as he says. But hey I could be wrong. Like your W on our anniversary in 2017 my H posted the most beautiful message on FB. He talked about how much he loved me and that our love would endure anything. He said he looked forward to spending the rest of his life with me. When he posted this, he was already involved in an EA that turned into a PA the very next month.

That is exactly what should have happened. He should have addressed the issues he had before he allowed them to fester. It just shows me that he lacks some serious relationship skills. The crazy thing is we always talked about how important communication is in a M. We vowed to communicate with one another.

I don’t claim to be perfect and some of the issues he had with me he has every right to have. I just wish he would have come to me. I wish he would have felt comfortable enough to come and talk to me. I wish he would have known that I would have truly listened and worked on my shortcomings.

Yes this is a large source of frustration. If things are bad, normal people address the problem and give a chance to the other person to fix themselves. Not getting an opportunity to demonstrate a willingness to change before blowing up the whole family is devastating and leaves a lot of 'what ifs' in your mind.

It sure does. This is why I say when they took their vows when it said for better or for worse. They merely just repeated what the clergy told them to say. What they really meant is for better or I’m done! When the vows said in good times and bad. What they really meant was in good times ONLY.

And that’s the part that hurts the most. You will throw away 13 years before ever even trying. So what that means to me is that you were never really 100 % committed to this M. I’m not an irrational person...I would have way more respect for him if he would have come to me and if he actually at least tried work on the M before just pulling the plug.

The lack of commitment in the tough times really eats at me too. Quitting just isn't in my blood. Especially quitting on my W, that's just Unfathomable to me. Hard to know if they were never committed or just decided one day they would quit. Likely we will never know the truth.

You want to know something for many years of my life I was a quitter. I would run away from things when ish got tough. Some times I would run away from people because I was scared to get attached. I would quit jobs, goals, dreams, and friendships at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t figure out why. So I went to therapy. And I learned that there were things in my childhood that caused this.

So I’ve been very focused on not being a quitter. So I totally understand what you’re saying. I agree that we will never know the real reason our souses quit. I’m so sorry that your w has given up on you. It’s not a good feeling at all. I’m sending you lots of hugs. You deserve so much more. I know it’s hard but don’t forget that.

Again I wasn’t perfect, I failed too. The difference is I’m doing the work self and was willing to work on the M.

None of us are perfect. It's just not possible. Recognizing failures and working to improve is maturity. You will benefit in the end and find your happiness.

Thank you so much for saying that. I still have so much work to do on myself but I’m committed to that. I’ve got to leave him to his mess. I’ve got to stop focusing on him and focus on working on myself.

[bubbs16]

So here are some lessons I’m learning from my sitch. I’m typing these out because maybe they will help someone else out. I’m also typing them out to hold myself accountable.

* Don’t take your spouse for granted - I’m guilty of that.
* Enjoy the nice things he does for you but also return the favor.
* Don’t neglect your spouse sexually or intimately - I did both and I know it put a huge strain on our M.
* Support your spouse, they are a human with feelings and emotions.
* Encourage and uplift your spouse.
* Affirm your spouse.
* Make them feel appreciated.
* Communicate when issues arise. Don’t allow them to fester. And when you do address be direct and make it known how serious you are.
* Nuture and feed your marriage. Just like a plant needs water and food to grow, so does a marriage. Make time for each other. The dating shouldn’t stop after marriage. Date your spouse. Marriage takes work and if you want it to last, don’t stop working on it.

* Again communicate.
* After the wedding the real work begins, show up everyday ready to work.

Other lessons I’m learning

* Marry someone who won’t be so easy to give up. I’m not 100% sure how you’ll know this during the dating phase. But maybe the amount of relationships your mate has been in is an indication. Have they jumped from one relationship to the next? And if so, why?
* Marry someone who is capable of communicating.
* Marry someone who isn’t a quitter.
* Marry someone who believes in wedding vows and takes them seriously.
* Pick a mate who has a firm sense of who they are as a person.
* Marry someone who has their own goals and aspirations.
* Spend time really getting to know someone. Don’t be in a rush to jump in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to REALLY get to know someone before committing.
* Marry someone who has done the work on themselves. This includes dealing with childhood traumas. Make sure the person has at least sought therapy for these things.
* Find someone who has some sense of how relationships should work.

I’m sure I can think of more but that’s a good list for now. I’m also writing this down in my journal. I have ordered a few self help books on relationships and marriage. I’m hurt right now. I’m devastated right now. However, I’m committed to doing the work on myself.

Hopefully after reading and working on myself, I will be a better person, and a better wife to someone in the future. My H basically said that I failed at being the w he needed. And in a lot of ways he is absolutely correct.

I pray for healing.
I pray that God gives me clarity.
I pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change.
I pray for peace.
I pray for my H. I wish him the best and hope someday he will find everything that his heart desires.

I thought my w believed in her vows, an took them seriously *WRONG*
W wasnt the best at communicating

* Realize that it’s ok to not spend every waking moment together. It’s ok for you to have separate hobbies. It’s ok that you are two individual people.

Thats the one that gets me into trouble . I wanted to spend every second together and smothered her. We went on weekly dates and did those things but spent every second with eachother. So thats the one i need to work on. Giving the spouse space and myself space...

[Living]

Bubbs16,

My H was the same. He wanted to be up under me 24/7. I had been in relationships in the past where my s/o was very emotionally distant. So it flattered me that my H wanted to be with me all the time. However by doing so, he lost sight of who he was as an individual. Now he feels like he doesn’t know who he is as a person. We very rearely went on dates. And that was one of the big issues I had in the M. I felt like my emotional needs weren’t being met. I addressed this with my H. He would plan a date and then it was back to business as usual.

[Lost808]

So here are some lessons I’m learning from my sitch. I’m typing these out because maybe they will help someone else out. I’m also typing them out to hold myself accountable.

* Don’t take your spouse for granted - I’m guilty of that.
* Enjoy the nice things he does for you but also return the favor.
* Don’t neglect your spouse sexually or intimately - I did both and I know it put a huge strain on our M.
* Support your spouse, they are a human with feelings and emotions.
* Encourage and uplift your spouse.
* Affirm your spouse.
* Make them feel appreciated.
* Communicate when issues arise. Don’t allow them to fester. And when you do address be direct and make it known how serious you are.
* Nuture and feed your marriage. Just like a plant needs water and food to grow, so does a marriage. Make time for each other. The dating shouldn’t stop after marriage. Date your spouse. Marriage takes work and if you want it to last, don’t stop working on it.

* Again communicate.
* After the wedding the real work begins, show up everyday ready to work.

Other lessons I’m learning

* Marry someone who won’t be so easy to give up. I’m not 100% sure how you’ll know this during the dating phase. But maybe the amount of relationships your mate has been in is an indication. Have they jumped from one relationship to the next? And if so, why?
* Marry someone who is capable of communicating.
* Marry someone who isn’t a quitter.
* Marry someone who believes in wedding vows and takes them seriously.
* Pick a mate who has a firm sense of who they are as a person.
* Marry someone who has their own goals and aspirations.
* Spend time really getting to know someone. Don’t be in a rush to jump in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to REALLY get to know someone before committing.
* Marry someone who has done the work on themselves. This includes dealing with childhood traumas. Make sure the person has at least sought therapy for these things.
* Find someone who has some sense of how relationships should work.

I’m sure I can think of more but that’s a good list for now. I’m also writing this down in my journal. I have ordered a few self help books on relationships and marriage. I’m hurt right now. I’m devastated right now. However, I’m committed to doing the work on myself.

Hopefully after reading and working on myself, I will be a better person, and a better wife to someone in the future. My H basically said that I failed at being the w he needed. And in a lot of ways he is absolutely correct.

I pray for healing.
I pray that God gives me clarity.
I pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change.
I pray for peace.
I pray for my H. I wish him the best and hope someday he will find everything that his heart desires.

I thought my w believed in her vows, an took them seriously *WRONG*
W wasnt the best at communicating

* Realize that it’s ok to not spend every waking moment together. It’s ok for you to have separate hobbies. It’s ok that you are two individual people.

Thats the one that gets me into trouble . I wanted to spend every second together and smothered her. We went on weekly dates and did those things but spent every second with eachother. So thats the one i need to work on. Giving the spouse space and myself space...

That one got me into trouble but in the opposite way. I let him go too much, to the point where he thought we didn't even enjoy the same things anymore. And we do.. I just didn't want to smother him but I guess I gave him too much space.

[Living]

So here are some lessons I’m learning from my sitch. I’m typing these out because maybe they will help someone else out. I’m also typing them out to hold myself accountable.

* Don’t take your spouse for granted - I’m guilty of that.
* Enjoy the nice things he does for you but also return the favor.
* Don’t neglect your spouse sexually or intimately - I did both and I know it put a huge strain on our M.
* Support your spouse, they are a human with feelings and emotions.
* Encourage and uplift your spouse.
* Affirm your spouse.
* Make them feel appreciated.
* Communicate when issues arise. Don’t allow them to fester. And when you do address be direct and make it known how serious you are.
* Nuture and feed your marriage. Just like a plant needs water and food to grow, so does a marriage. Make time for each other. The dating shouldn’t stop after marriage. Date your spouse. Marriage takes work and if you want it to last, don’t stop working on it.

* Again communicate.
* After the wedding the real work begins, show up everyday ready to work.

Other lessons I’m learning

* Marry someone who won’t be so easy to give up. I’m not 100% sure how you’ll know this during the dating phase. But maybe the amount of relationships your mate has been in is an indication. Have they jumped from one relationship to the next? And if so, why?
* Marry someone who is capable of communicating.
* Marry someone who isn’t a quitter.
* Marry someone who believes in wedding vows and takes them seriously.
* Pick a mate who has a firm sense of who they are as a person.
* Marry someone who has their own goals and aspirations.
* Spend time really getting to know someone. Don’t be in a rush to jump in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to REALLY get to know someone before committing.
* Marry someone who has done the work on themselves. This includes dealing with childhood traumas. Make sure the person has at least sought therapy for these things.
* Find someone who has some sense of how relationships should work.

I’m sure I can think of more but that’s a good list for now. I’m also writing this down in my journal. I have ordered a few self help books on relationships and marriage. I’m hurt right now. I’m devastated right now. However, I’m committed to doing the work on myself.

Hopefully after reading and working on myself, I will be a better person, and a better wife to someone in the future. My H basically said that I failed at being the w he needed. And in a lot of ways he is absolutely correct.

I pray for healing.
I pray that God gives me clarity.
I pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change.
I pray for peace.
I pray for my H. I wish him the best and hope someday he will find everything that his heart desires.

I thought my w believed in her vows, an took them seriously *WRONG*
W wasnt the best at communicating

* Realize that it’s ok to not spend every waking moment together. It’s ok for you to have separate hobbies. It’s ok that you are two individual people.

Thats the one that gets me into trouble . I wanted to spend every second together and smothered her. We went on weekly dates and did those things but spent every second with eachother. So thats the one i need to work on. Giving the spouse space and myself space...

That one got me into trouble but in the opposite way. I let him go too much, to the point where he thought we didn't even enjoy the same things anymore. And we do.. I just didn't want to smother him but I guess I gave him too much space.

Hindsight Los808. All we can do is learn from these things and make sure we don’t do them again.

[bubbs16]

Bubbs16,

My H was the same. He wanted to be up under me 24/7. I had been in relationships in the past where my s/o was very emotionally distant. So it flattered me that my H wanted to be with me all the time. However by doing so, he lost sight of who he was as an individual. Now he feels like he doesn’t know who he is as a person. We very rearely went on dates. And that was one of the big issues I had in the M. I felt like my emotional needs weren’t being met. I addressed this with my H. He would plan a date and then it was back to business as usual.

My love language is quality time and its just who i became in the r for some reason. The w hated it and felt smothered. she wanted alone time/space.

So i had fear of abandonment she had fear of entrapment. We went out for date nights every week , go hiking, go shopping you name it . So a lot of stuff says to spend time together do date nights etc, I guess thats not always true . In my relationship it was too much i guess.