While I was away my H totally lost his sh@t. I was literally scared his anxiety would get the best of him. He begged and pleaded that I come home right away. I didn’t. He said things that he has since apologized for. I’m honestly shocked that he lost it the way that he did.
However, I’m guessing it gave him time to think as well.
So as you predicted I came home to R talk all initiated by him. As soon as I walked in the door, he was like we need to talk.
I let him say whatever he wanted to say and I just listened. He told me all the ways that I failed the marriage. I wish I would have come here first because instead of saying “ I understand you feel that way”... I said, “I’m sorry that you feel that way.” I did say and that must be hard for you.
Anyway, I let him go on and on about what he felt went wrong in the M. He discussed some of things we did wrong when it came to holding each other and our kids accountable. He told me that when I wasn’t working it was hard on us financially. But he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He wanted me to focus on finishing school.
After he finished telling me all the ways he felt I failed him in the M, he then told me all the ways that he feels that he has failed me in the marriage. Again, I just listened. After he finished he asked me if he left off anyways that he failed me in the marriage. He pretty much covered most of them but a couple of things. So I told him he missed a couple of things. He asked me what they were and I told him.
He said that he knows he should have communicated it to me when things got bad. He then apologized for not being the H that I needed. He again apologized for the PA and said I did nothing wrong to deserve that.
He also apologized for all the hateful text messages and voicemails he left me while I was away.
He then said that we never really did the work that we needed to do on the M. He said maybe if we really put in the work we can save this M.
I just listened to all that he said. I told him I believe that a lot of our problems can be resolved. I know that’s not the same as saying “I believe that there are many solutions to our problems”...but I think I came close enough.
He then says I’m not ready to give up on our marriage. He goes on to say I just felt like I wasn’t getting what I needed so why stay married. He said but I wasn’t considering you weren’t getting what you needed as well.
He asked me if I could go back and start over, would I do it all over again? My answer was yes I would do it all over again but I would do it differently.
He asked me would I be willing to put in the work and try to save our marriage together.
I told him that depends on a lot of things and I’m not prepared to answer that question as this time. I told him we both need some time and some space to really think about and evaluate our situation.
Last edited by Living; 02/10/1907:34 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Take time to reflect on the weekend. What worked? Why did it work? How do you define worked?
What are your next steps?
I’m emotionally and physically drained and I’m sure he is too. I think taking a couple of days to think about things may be best.
I’ll come back when I’ve processed all of this and get help with the best way to proceed. Thank you Ready2Change.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
big emotionally day for you then. At least you have an opportunity to work things out it sounds like... I Would love to be able to have that option .
We can’t be so sure that we have an opportunity to work things out. I’m not putting stock into that at the moment. Emotions are way too high. I left for 2 days to put some space between us and to be kind to my body. I got a message, I had dinner with a girlfriend. However, while I was away my H filled his mind with all sorts of thoughts. I’m serious when I say he lost his sh@t. He thought I was with another man (rolling my eyes).
He hasn’t slept much in 2 days. He’s passed out as we speak.
So based on the situation at the time, I can’t trust what he says. My H has been all over the place for months. I’m not trying to dismiss his feelings or say he was lying to me. I’m just not sure about his motive at the moment.
I think we both need to take a few days, let our emotions calm down, and then maybe see what the next move is.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Just checking in on you again, and looks like it has been some emotional days to say the least.
I think you did very well in regards to your conversation with your husband, and you should be proud of yourself for conducting yourself the way you did. It must have been hard on you, and I think the way you responded was textbook stuff.
Here are my thoughts, when reflecting on your journaling.
Basically, you shook your, excuse me for my language, dumbass, ignorant, selfcentered excuse for a husband (for now, that can all change, and hopefully it will). But, you shook him good by going away, and you did exactly what I was on about in my earlier post. You showed, that you are that independant woman, that does not need him in your life in order to be happy, to do things, to advance. That was most likely not what he expected at all, and he REACTED to you doing something out of the ordinary.
Did this pull him out of his fog? most likely not, I believe, and take this as speculations, because I have no qualifications to say this from a professional point of view, but I believe, that he saw a glimpse of what you are becoming, and that he is not nessecarily involved in that future. He didn't like it. Does that mean he is ready to begin the things he stated in regards to reconciling? I have my doubts.
I do believe, this behavior needs to be consistant, and he needs to be the one who comes to you. You need to do you, and you are doing it very well, and I KNOW the toll it takes on you mentally, but stay strong, for you!
So, heres my 2 cents.
- Do validate, do listen, do agree without making promises. - Let him show you with his ACTIONS that he is ready to try and see, if there is grounds for beginning the path to R, but let those actions be plentiful. - Do not let go of the rope to detachment now, because if you do, I am afraid he will crawl back and you will have to start over, hurting even more than you have so far. - GAL - Stay on course according to setting up a life for you, make the deadlines for you, so you have short-term and long-term goals towards becoming completely independant.
Hugs from across the pond.
/hurt
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Just checking in on you again, and looks like it has been some emotional days to say the least.
I think you did very well in regards to your conversation with your husband, and you should be proud of yourself for conducting yourself the way you did. It must have been hard on you, and I think the way you responded was textbook stuff.
Here are my thoughts, when reflecting on your journaling.
Basically, you shook your, excuse me for my language, dumbass, ignorant, selfcentered excuse for a husband (for now, that can all change, and hopefully it will). But, you shook him good by going away, and you did exactly what I was on about in my earlier post. You showed, that you are that independant woman, that does not need him in your life in order to be happy, to do things, to advance. That was most likely not what he expected at all, and he REACTED to you doing something out of the ordinary.
Did this pull him out of his fog? most likely not, I believe, and take this as speculations, because I have no qualifications to say this from a professional point of view, but I believe, that he saw a glimpse of what you are becoming, and that he is not nessecarily involved in that future. He didn't like it. Does that mean he is ready to begin the things he stated in regards to reconciling? I have my doubts.
I do believe, this behavior needs to be consistant, and he needs to be the one who comes to you. You need to do you, and you are doing it very well, and I KNOW the toll it takes on you mentally, but stay strong, for you!
So, heres my 2 cents.
- Do validate, do listen, do agree without making promises. - Let him show you with his ACTIONS that he is ready to try and see, if there is grounds for beginning the path to R, but let those actions be plentiful. - Do not let go of the rope to detachment now, because if you do, I am afraid he will crawl back and you will have to start over, hurting even more than you have so far. - GAL - Stay on course according to setting up a life for you, make the deadlines for you, so you have short-term and long-term goals towards becoming completely independant.
Hugs from across the pond.
/hurt
Hello Hurt,
You gave me such beautiful advice, thank you so much. I’ll definitely keep it all in mind because I think you’re most likely right.
You’re right that I did something my H never expected me to do. It’s true that rocked him to his core.
I also agree about consistency. Lack of consistency is one of the reasons we are in this mess now. We both pointed out issues we had with the other (at points in our relationship). We would fix those things temporarily and then be back to business as usual. Lack of consistency, lack of communication, and taking each other for granted is why our marriage is in life support.
Truth is we both have a lot of work to do to fix this marriage (if it comes to that). But I can’t do the work for both of us. Like you said, my H needs to show me with his actions that he’s ready to see if we can fix things.
Only time will tell that. I asked him to give me a little space. To allow me a couple of days to just freaking relax. I’ll let him come to me, as you suggested, I think that’s perfect advice.
Again, thanks so much for your amazing advice. I’m so grateful for this forum, I swear!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Good morning (it’s morning where I love) DB friends!
I’m starting to feel a little better after my eventful weekend. I feel like my body is less tense and I’m sure that will continue over the coming days. I’m booking me another massage and a facial for this weekend. Hopefully that will help.
H and I have interacted in pleasant way for the past couple of days. We haven’t had any R talks (thank God) because we said we would wait a few days to talk again. However, I truly don’t think my H is at the point to have the R talk that would need to be had.
He panicked when I didn’t come home.
He never expected me to do that.
His emotions got the best of him.
I’m sure his mind was racing with thoughts of his wife being intimate with another man. Because he thought I was with someone else. Funny how when he was having an affair he wasn’t concerned with my feelings or thoughts. Mentally he couldn’t handle it.
HeI can tell his anxiety levels are a little high and I still see bits of the depression still there (even though he seems to be doing better on the depression front). So it’s good we are giving each other space to just calm down.
I’m actually glad he will be leaving for his guys trip in a couple of weeks. I think the space will be great for both of us. Honestly...and I can admit this now, I was angry about his guys trip he planned. I was angry because here our M is on life support and rather than try to work on it, you would rather go away for a guys trip.
That’s selfish of me to think that way. Sure things suck for us right now. Sure he’s done a lot of painful things. However, he works hard and has always been a great provider for us. When I look over our relationship, he sacrificed things he wanted to make sure he was able to provide for his family. And I will be eternally grateful to him for supporting me by allowing me not to work when I finished school.
Things were hard when I wasn’t working. And there wasn’t extra money for even the simple things he may have wanted to do. I had to ask myself, if things were going great in our M, would I be angry with him for taking this trip? And the answer is no.
It’s crazy because my 15 S helped get me to this place regarding this trip. We were discussing his dads trip and he asked where he was going and how long he would be gone. I told him. And he said...I get it, I think it’s great that he’s taking this trip. He said he deserves it, he works hard. He said he’s been working hard on fixing up the house. He said he goes to work and comes straight home. He said he doesn’t go out or do anything for himself, so I’m glad he’s taking this trip.
And once I took my selfish feelings out of things I realized my son is right. Regardless of what is happening with us, he does deserve to be able to take a trip if he wants to. And I can and shall do the same and I’m sure he will support me.
Sorry guys, I know my posts can sometimes be very long.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Ok I decided to break the posts up because it’s getting to be too long.
Over the last couple of days I have thought about a lot. I’ve thought a lot about the ways my H said I failed the M. Someday I hope to be able to share the ways he too failed the M, however at that time I know my job was to listen and validate.
I’ve alreddy shared here upthread that I did drop the ball in our M, we both did. However, I can only take responsibility for my own actions or lack there of.
I did take my H for granted. I have been running around talking about “I’ve been a good wife!” In many ways I was but in so many ways I wasn’t.
I got too comfortable. I did let myself go. I did deny him sex and I denied him a lot. I wasn’t always supportive of him the way he was of me. There were times when I was very selfish. I made my H feel like he wasn’t wanted and didn’t matter. I took for granted that no matter what he would always be there. I was lazy and stopped working on my M. I didn’t help my H sometimes when he needed me the most. Again, I took my H for granted.
I’ve been saying since BD that my H didn’t love me the way that I needed to be loved. In many ways that’s true. But guess what? I’m guilty of not loving him in the way he needed as well.
For all of the above he had a reason to no longer be happy with our M. He felt he wasn’t getting what he was putting in and this went on until BD.
Now again, I can type all the ways he dropped the ball because it wasn’t just me that failed. However right now, I’m focusing on myself.
So whether my H and I stay in this M or not, I have a lot of work to do on myself. H has a lot of work to do on himself. But I can only focus on what I have control over and that’s me.
Truth is I want to be a better person and a better wife. I want to get back to the woman that my H was attracted to. I want to get back to parts of who I was and take those parts and be even better. I have got to do the hard work on Living.
If my M doesn’t survive, there are lessons in my sitch. If we don’t make it and I end up in another relationship, I want to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I think everything that happened this weekend is a step in the right direction. I want to caution you though these things don't usually turn around based on one reaction.
I am wondering that once he realizes you were not with another man and he gets a sense you are still holding on he won't revert back to his ways.
I think you need to make it clear you want to and are willing to work on the marriage but there is a short window of opportunity for you to so.
