I think everything that happened this weekend is a step in the right direction. I want to caution you though these things don't usually turn around based on one reaction.
I am wondering that once he realizes you were not with another man and he gets a sense you are still holding on he won't revert back to his ways.
I think you need to make it clear you want to and are willing to work on the marriage but there is a short window of opportunity for you to so.
LH19 I’m sure you’re correct. While I’m positive me being away rocked him to his core, I don’t expect that will fix anything.
Since BD I showed up willing to do the work. However, I can’t do the work on my own.
I’ve received advice on here from the vets ( and perhaps even you, sorry can’t remember) to let him come to me and not only say he wants to work on the M but back that up with his actions.
I think in my H foggy mind he thinks the fact that he has stayed in our home and hasn’t moved, that should prove that he’s not ready for a D. My IC feels the same. She said if he was really sure and really wanted a D he would file for one.
It’s like I’m finally getting this DB thing. I know...I know duh!!!! Lol! But it really all makes sense.
This M can’t be saved without the work of two COMMITTED people. Two people who are willing to put in the hard work. And trust me there’s hard work to be done. I won’t do it on my own.
That said we both have individual issues we need to work on as well. If we don’t work on those, the M won’t last anyway.
So why I won’t do the work on the M on my own, I am committed to do the work on myself.
Until he comes to me truly ready to do the work, nothing has changed.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I wish everyone picked up DB is quick as you did it would make my life much more fulfilling lol!
Lol! Thanks! I’m a work in progress.
Don’t give me credit too fast. I’ve been a hot mess. Lol!
Truth is I didn’t pick up DB quickly. He11, I’m re-reading DR. I’ve ordered 2 more books on relationships. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But when your M is in trouble and you don’t want a D, you sometimes let your emotions get the best of you. I’m also a very impatient person. That’s another thing I need to work on.
I feel like I’ve done a lot of finger pointing at my H in regards to our marital problems. However there’s some blame to go around for me as well.
I told my H that he killed our M. Truth is we killed it together. Now is it truly dead? Perhaps it’s on life support and can be brought back to life. Maybe not. Time will tell. I’m just determined that no matter what happens I wlll be a better person because of all of this. Because I’m doing the work on me!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I think everything that happened this weekend is a step in the right direction.
I agree. One step.
This is one baby step in the right direction. I believe HIM recommending MC is another sign things are headed in the right direction. How many steps away is this? Are there other steps you can look for between?
I agree that you should make It clear there is a short window of opportunity.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok I decided to break the posts up because it’s getting to be too long.
Over the last couple of days I have thought about a lot. I’ve thought a lot about the ways my H said I failed the M. Someday I hope to be able to share the ways he too failed the M, however at that time I know my job was to listen and validate.
I’ve alreddy shared here upthread that I did drop the ball in our M, we both did. However, I can only take responsibility for my own actions or lack there of.
I did take my H for granted. I have been running around talking about “I’ve been a good wife!” In many ways I was but in so many ways I wasn’t.
I got too comfortable. I did let myself go. I did deny him sex and I denied him a lot. I wasn’t always supportive of him the way he was of me. There were times when I was very selfish. I made my H feel like he wasn’t wanted and didn’t matter. I took for granted that no matter what he would always be there. I was lazy and stopped working on my M. I didn’t help my H sometimes when he needed me the most. Again, I took my H for granted.
I’ve been saying since BD that my H didn’t love me the way that I needed to be loved. In many ways that’s true. But guess what? I’m guilty of not loving him in the way he needed as well.
For all of the above he had a reason to no longer be happy with our M. He felt he wasn’t getting what he was putting in and this went on until BD.
Now again, I can type all the ways he dropped the ball because it wasn’t just me that failed. However right now, I’m focusing on myself.
So whether my H and I stay in this M or not, I have a lot of work to do on myself. H has a lot of work to do on himself. But I can only focus on what I have control over and that’s me.
Truth is I want to be a better person and a better wife. I want to get back to the woman that my H was attracted to. I want to get back to parts of who I was and take those parts and be even better. I have got to do the hard work on Living.
If my M doesn’t survive, there are lessons in my sitch. If we don’t make it and I end up in another relationship, I want to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes.
I could have written this. This is exactly how I feel about my M. W and I are currently NC, and I'm so sad that we may never have the opportunity to try again/try harder/try differently. I feel my roots deepening - I feel my desires for what I want in a R and a M changing. I can articulate what my needs are now instead of just assuming someone will fill them. I feel how I interact with the world changing. Everything about how I connect with those around me is changing, but my values and core are stationary. I'm doing a lot of self-discovery.
That part of the equation is great. I see you are tuned into your own lessons as well. Stay focused on those, because we can bring those with us. I know that I am a better partner now than I was once upon a time. Personally, I need to learn what it means to be strong and how to bring strength to a R. I think I'm also becoming a better friend, and a better coworker. I'm a much stronger "me" for sure.
You and I weren't the only ones who dropped the ball - you nailed it with that. But we are certainly the ones improving. I hope our spouses are as well - but all we can really do is leave them to their own journey.
I hope we can bless them as they move along instead of cursing them for changing.
He asked me would I be willing to put in the work and try to save our marriage together.
I told him that depends on a lot of things and I’m not prepared to answer that question as this time. I told him we both need some time and some space to really think about and evaluate our situation.
(stands up and claps) Well done! You handled that convo perfectly. You absolutely do not want to roll out the red carpet for him and stand there at the end of it with open arms. This is the first of many trips he may make back and forth from the castle (do you know the picnic analogy?) Expect him to pull back and pull back hard. Then he'll reach out, and pull back again, and on and on it will go. You just keep having your picnic. Make him work for it, he's wronged you and it's going to take work to get you back. If you don't make him work he will not have any respect for you.
I think everything that happened this weekend is a step in the right direction.
I agree. One step.
This is one baby step in the right direction. I believe HIM recommending MC is another sign things are headed in the right direction. How many steps away is this? Are there other steps you can look for between?
I agree that you should make It clear there is a short window of opportunity.
Ready2Change,my friend, he didn’t recommend marriage counseling (unless MC stands for something else). Lol, I wish! My posts are so lengthy that maybe you thought you read that. He agrees that we both dropped the ball and wonders if we can fix our issues. He agrees that we took each other for granted. He agrees that neither one of us truly worked on the M. He agrees that he should have been more vocal about the issues he had with me, etc.
There are lots of steps we both can take to improve our M. I’m working on mine. The balls in his court if he works on his. Either way it goes my plan is to become a better person and the best version of myself.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Ok I decided to break the posts up because it’s getting to be too long.
Over the last couple of days I have thought about a lot. I’ve thought a lot about the ways my H said I failed the M. Someday I hope to be able to share the ways he too failed the M, however at that time I know my job was to listen and validate.
I’ve alreddy shared here upthread that I did drop the ball in our M, we both did. However, I can only take responsibility for my own actions or lack there of.
I did take my H for granted. I have been running around talking about “I’ve been a good wife!” In many ways I was but in so many ways I wasn’t.
I got too comfortable. I did let myself go. I did deny him sex and I denied him a lot. I wasn’t always supportive of him the way he was of me. There were times when I was very selfish. I made my H feel like he wasn’t wanted and didn’t matter. I took for granted that no matter what he would always be there. I was lazy and stopped working on my M. I didn’t help my H sometimes when he needed me the most. Again, I took my H for granted.
I’ve been saying since BD that my H didn’t love me the way that I needed to be loved. In many ways that’s true. But guess what? I’m guilty of not loving him in the way he needed as well.
For all of the above he had a reason to no longer be happy with our M. He felt he wasn’t getting what he was putting in and this went on until BD.
Now again, I can type all the ways he dropped the ball because it wasn’t just me that failed. However right now, I’m focusing on myself.
So whether my H and I stay in this M or not, I have a lot of work to do on myself. H has a lot of work to do on himself. But I can only focus on what I have control over and that’s me.
Truth is I want to be a better person and a better wife. I want to get back to the woman that my H was attracted to. I want to get back to parts of who I was and take those parts and be even better. I have got to do the hard work on Living.
If my M doesn’t survive, there are lessons in my sitch. If we don’t make it and I end up in another relationship, I want to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes.
I could have written this. This is exactly how I feel about my M. W and I are currently NC, and I'm so sad that we may never have the opportunity to try again/try harder/try differently. I feel my roots deepening - I feel my desires for what I want in a R and a M changing. I can articulate what my needs are now instead of just assuming someone will fill them. I feel how I interact with the world changing. Everything about how I connect with those around me is changing, but my values and core are stationary. I'm doing a lot of self-discovery.
That part of the equation is great. I see you are tuned into your own lessons as well. Stay focused on those, because we can bring those with us. I know that I am a better partner now than I was once upon a time. Personally, I need to learn what it means to be strong and how to bring strength to a R. I think I'm also becoming a better friend, and a better coworker. I'm a much stronger "me" for sure.
You and I weren't the only ones who dropped the ball - you nailed it with that. But we are certainly the ones improving. I hope our spouses are as well - but all we can really do is leave them to their own journey.
I hope we can bless them as they move along instead of cursing them for changing.
Yail, I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. It truly is an emotional roller coaster.
I think it’s great that you’re working on you and becoming a better person. If your W doesn’t appreciate that, her loss. I do pray that she wakes up before it’s too late.
It’s great for us to take responsibility for our part in the failing the M. That will help us become better people. It will also help us in our future relationships, if it comes to that.
We have to come to peace with whatever happens in the end. And if it’s the end of the road, we wish them well.
Sending you hugs!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
He asked me would I be willing to put in the work and try to save our marriage together.
I told him that depends on a lot of things and I’m not prepared to answer that question as this time. I told him we both need some time and some space to really think about and evaluate our situation.
(stands up and claps) Well done! You handled that convo perfectly. You absolutely do not want to roll out the red carpet for him and stand there at the end of it with open arms. This is the first of many trips he may make back and forth from the castle (do you know the picnic analogy?) Expect him to pull back and pull back hard. Then he'll reach out, and pull back again, and on and on it will go. You just keep having your picnic. Make him work for it, he's wronged you and it's going to take work to get you back. If you don't make him work he will not have any respect for you.
I agree 100 percent AnotherStander! He’s already proven the back and forth to me.
I’m working on me. He needs to work on him because dude is a mess. Then if he wants me, like you said, he needs to work for it.
That’s why he lost it while I was away. I’ve never done anything like that. Also when he had the PA, I definitely didn’t make him work go get me back.
In fact in the beginning of our relationship, he didn’t have to work too hard to get me. That’s why he probably didn’t feel like he had to work hard in the R. Hard to tell.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
If you don't make him work he will not have any respect for you.
I'm just going to say this again b/c I've lived on the wrong end of this and thought "oh boy, we're back!!!", as in my W and I are back together and working on this marriage. It can't be said enough.
I've been through several times. It's one of those things I look back on and wonder why I didn't put my foot down right away.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
