Into the Fire (LB55 thread 2)

[LB55]

That's tough for me to say right now, because it hasn't run its course. That's what you say when it's all over. We are barely started in this.

You are telling HER this. You are agreeing (Validating) with her. In her mind, it has ran it's course. You "hear" her and "understand" her.

I see. I thought that was what you were proposing we tell our friends that ‘it’s run it’s course’ and leave it at that. It’s important that they have a decent idea of the dynamic and what truthfully happened without the gory details.

[LB55]

So she replied to my email about visits.

H: the judge did not authorize mid week visits. I offered a mid week visit to make up for not seeing them this weekend due to weather. We will obtain the court documents this week to ensure you are following them. W.

I want to send a stern email back about her controlling my time with the kids and me not getting much input. She didn’t ask me when I was available instead only told me when I could see them, take it or leave it style. I want to see the kids but I don’t want to give into her controlling methods to limit my contact with the kids to when it’s convenient for her either.

I want to say that ‘W, your continued attempts to isolate me from the kids by not asking for my inputs are unnecessary and not in the best interest of the kids. If necessary I will re-petition the court via my L for mid week visits. H’. Something to that effect.

I haven’t even seen the temp orders yet, I am fairly certain I get to review them and sign them before they are filed. I have emailed my L to ask about all of this.

[Ready2Change]

H: the judge did not authorize mid week visits. I offered a mid week visit to make up for not seeing them this weekend due to weather. We will obtain the court documents this week to ensure you are following them. W.

It looks like your W is being coached by my X.

Do not be baited.


H:"W, I appreciate your understanding. I plan on picking them up at X:00 and head over to restaurant for dinner. I plan on dropping them back off at Y:00 so they can get ready for bed. regards H"

[ovrrnbw]

Why does she automatically get primary custody? It seems like she has this already? I'm young and dumb so please school me.

[Ready2Change]

These are temp orders. Right now LB55 does not have a house set-up for the kids. He is working on that. I don't see why he will not get 50/50 if he keeps doing the right things. I believe he is in WA and what I saw they are about keeping the kids relationship with both parents.

[LB55]

Yes as R2C said they are temp orders. WA is where I am, and they are primarily focused on keeping the kids in the same stable(not sure how this is possible during a divorce) household and living arrangement.

Because they already lived with W while I was deployed, and she filed for D before I returned home, the court says they stay with her under the temp orders.

I have to establish a residence, which I have a lease now and will move in soon. Then they can stay with me on weekends every other weekend. I am trying to get W to agree to a mid week visit each week as I think that regular visits are good for the kids. Because of her lies about drinking and 'abuse' I have to seek some counseling and provide proof to the court before we sign any final Doc's to help them make a custody decision. By that point I should have a reasonable argument for a 50-50 arrangement.

[LB55]

Why does she automatically get primary custody? It seems like she has this already? I'm young and dumb so please school me.

So a quick education to the process in my state(WA).

She files for D. An initial hearing is set with the court. Usually within 14 days of filing. You get a written response to her declaration. I had a restraining order issued against me as part of this. The judge determined it was baseless but it cost me 2 months of time with my kids. The court then makes decisions regarding kids, living arrangements, support for children and spouse if applicable, and mostly standard stuff like restraints against selling property, etc. this is temporary orders. I am at this point in the process in my sitch.

Then you have a framework for the limbo time between now and final decrees. This can form a large chunk of the final decrees unless there is unreasonable stuff or untenable stuff in there for either party.

You then have to negotiate division of property and visitation and provide the agreement you reached to the court and they will generally go with what the spouses agree upon. If they can't agree, then it goes to trial. At this point a judge decides all point of contention based upon the info they have. They split your household for you and you don't get much say in how it goes at that point. You sign the decree and you are divorced. They try and equalize households financially for the most part, but there are lots of things that go into that.

Then you pay your lawyers $25-75k and start digging yourself out.

Hope that makes sense.

[LB55]

H: the judge did not authorize mid week visits. I offered a mid week visit to make up for not seeing them this weekend due to weather. We will obtain the court documents this week to ensure you are following them. W.

It looks like your W is being coached by my X.

Do not be baited.


H:"W, I appreciate your understanding. I plan on picking them up at X:00 and head over to restaurant for dinner. I plan on dropping them back off at Y:00 so they can get ready for bed. regards H"

Yeah I am pretty good at not taking her bait. I have emotional reactions to it, but I do it on here and with my sister, not to her directly.

I decided to reply to heremail, I told her that we can review the docs, make sure we follow them. I also said that what's best for the kids is to see both parents regularly, forus be mature about this, and that the court shouldn't have to tell us how to be amicable and friendly going forward. Set a good example for them. Be good parents. That is the gist of it, as I am paraphrasing what I wrote. We will see how it goes.

[Ready2Change]

I am assuming you were living in the house and being dad full time (as much as possible being military) before you were deployed. I hope the courts will take this into account. I also believe you will not be deployed any-more?

As my lawyer said, "it is your to loose". I took this to mean full time dad during your parenting time. Get the house and rooms set-up for the kids. Flexible work schedule. Able to pick the kids up from school, drop them off. Areas set-up for study time.

[LB55]

I am assuming you were living in the house and being dad full time (as much as possible being military) before you were deployed. I hope the courts will take this into account. I also believe you will not be deployed any-more?

As my lawyer said, "it is your to loose". I took this to mean full time dad during your parenting time. Get the house and rooms set-up for the kids. Flexible work schedule. Able to pick the kids up from school, drop them off. Areas set-up for study time.

Yes I lived at home every single day since 2012. That was my last deployment, I have had good fortune in deployments for a while. I had to do this one year stint, and that is likely my last one. I can't control North Korea, but should be. W, kids, and I have always lived under the same roof. Never even had a disagreement that resulted in either of us spending a night or two somewhere else.

I am hopeful to move in Wednesday. My family ponied up for some new beds, super nice of them, even if I had the money and could make it work. Part of the new me is letting others help me sometimes. Have a line on some dressers and a desk for their rooms. I can work my schedule to be flexible enough to get the to and from school. If W will agree to be a little more amicable and friendly in regards to the kids, we can work the schedule fairly easily. She doesn't work and is home most days, so if I have a day where I will need a little extra time at work, I can give her notice in advance and have the kids stay with her until I get home. We will see, just want a good agreement that keeps me in their lives and minds.