Lost

[AnotherStander]

Fair enough - I'm a logical thinker so I just figure there is a solution to everything.

I'm trying to realize that that isn't always the case.

I would say most if not all the men here can identify with you on this. We are by nature "fixers", so if there's a "problem" we want to seek out the "solution" and implement it to make the problem go away. One of the hardest things we all go through on this is discovering that there simply is no logic or reason involved. WAS's are running on emotion, and their emotions are constantly changing for quite a while. So they will say something one day and something completely the opposite the next day. They will give you a list of things to "fix" and if you do then they will come up with another list. Everything is in constant flux. I've said before that their minds are like raging storms, hurricane-force winds blowing stuff all over the place, waves thrashing about. We say not to believe anything they say, it's because when their mouths open it's just detritus being ejected from that storm. Often it'll make no sense at all. The one consistency in all of this is they are "done", and that isn't going to change for a long, long time (if ever).

So to keep from going crazy you've got to detach, leave her alone and quit trying to figure her out. Accept that you will never get an answer to "why" this happened, and try to be at peace with that. Use your keen sense of logic to work on YOU- get in better shape, get back in touch with old friends, meet new friends, spruce up your wardrobe, GAL, dive into hobbies. Be the rock and the lighthouse while she's going through her storm!

[Cadet]

Accept that you will never get an answer to "why" this happened, and try to be at peace with that.

Well - I would agree you likely will never get an answer from your WAS, however the people here on this board can give you lots of reasons.
This is actually very scientific and happens over and over again with every thread.
My suggestion is to learn as much as you can to the science of all of this and then you can correct the things that you have done wrong, and in the future not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

BUT be advised that on an initial thought of what is going on,
nothing will be as it seems.
Left is right and up is down.

After you can drink coffee while sitting on the ceiling and use a fork,
then you will be on your way to understanding what is going on.

[Jac12]

Fair enough - I'm a logical thinker so I just figure there is a solution to everything.

I'm trying to realize that that isn't always the case.

I would say most if not all the men here can identify with you on this. We are by nature "fixers", so if there's a "problem" we want to seek out the "solution" and implement it to make the problem go away. One of the hardest things we all go through on this is discovering that there simply is no logic or reason involved. WAS's are running on emotion, and their emotions are constantly changing for quite a while. So they will say something one day and something completely the opposite the next day. They will give you a list of things to "fix" and if you do then they will come up with another list. Everything is in constant flux. I've said before that their minds are like raging storms, hurricane-force winds blowing stuff all over the place, waves thrashing about. We say not to believe anything they say, it's because when their mouths open it's just detritus being ejected from that storm. Often it'll make no sense at all. The one consistency in all of this is they are "done", and that isn't going to change for a long, long time (if ever).

So to keep from going crazy you've got to detach, leave her alone and quit trying to figure her out. Accept that you will never get an answer to "why" this happened, and try to be at peace with that. Use your keen sense of logic to work on YOU- get in better shape, get back in touch with old friends, meet new friends, spruce up your wardrobe, GAL, dive into hobbies. Be the rock and the lighthouse while she's going through her storm!

I understand - nothing she's doing makes sense to anybody but herself at the moment (even that might be a stretch to say).

I've been doing ok considering. Keeping busy and seeing some friends I haven't seen in awhile.

I do like the lighthouse story. Keeps me focused on being strong and looking after myself.

[Jac12]

Accept that you will never get an answer to "why" this happened, and try to be at peace with that.

Well - I would agree you likely will never get an answer from your WAS, however the people here on this board can give you lots of reasons.
This is actually very scientific and happens over and over again with every thread.
My suggestion is to learn as much as you can to the science of all of this and then you can correct the things that you have done wrong, and in the future not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

BUT be advised that on an initial thought of what is going on,
nothing will be as it seems.
Left is right and up is down.

After you can drink coffee while sitting on the ceiling and use a fork,
then you will be on your way to understanding what is going on.

thank you Cadet. It's a confusing time for sure. We are only a week into the separation and she seems to be happy on the outside but I think it's just a facade. Actually, I just realized it doesn't matter what I think and I need to just Detach as best as I can from her emotions so who cares what I think...right? Work in progress...

[Cadet]

We are only a week into the separation and she seems to be happy on the outside but I think it's just a facade.

This is very likely true - they wear a mask to hide the actual PAIN that they are in.

Take your own advice

I need to just Detach as best as I can from her emotions

[Jac12]

I've been doing a good job of NC unless necessary for our son...

She now texts me a couple of times throughout the day about random things and I usually wait a bit before responding but I respond the majority of the time.

I'd like to respond how I normally would without worrying about her reaction or thought process but should I be doing something different (like not respond at all unless it's about our child)?

[Jac12]

This was my first weekend without my son...during the handoff I was positive and friendly but broke down pretty good once they left.

I have a question:

A nurse friend of mine and my W, who was on Mat Leave the same time as my wife, believes that there was some postpartum depression that wasn't addressed. Basically, my wife sheltered herself during Mat Leave rarely taking our son out for walks or to meet other mom groups. Probably spent 95% of her time indoors, sleeping when he slept, and doing nothing else around the house. Most of the time was SPring/Summer too so it was nice out. She has since said that she's felt caged for 2 years.

Also, with her dad's lung cancer, now spread to the brain, our nurse friend thinks she could still be suffering from postpartum or now she's just depressed.

My W still refuses to get help, but our friend suggested I talk to our family doctor about postpartum and she might be able to schedule a visit with Chantel for something else, and then ask some targeted questions about her time with our son.

Any thoughts on how this may or may not change how I deal with this? I'm still giving her space right now and working on GAL - our interactions so far are positive and she texts me the odd time about random things. I do respond just not right away all the time. I mix it up.

Thank you.

[Jac12]

I made a mistake tonight when my W dropped off our son. I pursued.

I talked to her about our doctor friend suggesting that she suffered from some postpartum depression. I asked my W what she thought and she said "I don't want to diagnose myself" and "I don't think that would change anything".

I suggested that it was possible that with postpartum and then things going on with her dad it would be difficult to want to connect with me and if we found out that there were some external factors at play then that might open the door for us to rebuild our connection.

She said "yeah, I don't know".

As she was leaving she invited me to valentines day dinner at her parents with her brother and his girlfriend. She said maybe I could switch my work schedule around to make it work.

Anyways - how badly did I mess up tonight in asking her about this?

[ovrrnbw]

No one drops causes the flood. This was no major mistake. Just leave it be now and there's no need to revisit.

Are you going to V day with her?

[Jac12]

Thanks ovrrnbw...

I will go to V Day, mostly because it's with her parents and brother and it will be her dad's last valentines day...only has a few months according to doctors.