W suggested picking up a couple of ribeyes. She never was a big VD W. But I thought the initiative was a good sign.
I grilled and she did the green beans, no carbs, watched True Crime shows. lol
I complimented her weight loss this morning. She lifted her shirt and showed her flat tummy. Then went to work. She suggested going out for Sashimi tonight.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So things took a turn this morning. I broke all sorts of DBing rules.
So House is empty except for the two of us. I have made the second french press of coffee for the two of us. I decided it is prime to do what I have been talking about since December and try to initiate.
W gets this all hurt puppy dog face and says "I can't". Well, I hate these F-ing external locus type answers and I respond that "Don't you mean, I won't?" and I went into the whole "what do you have to lose?" "Aren't you happy about a lot of the change that has happened between us?" "What if both tried, just to see. What is the risk". Well after several "I'm just not in a place...." BS She went on to say that she wasn't a "tryer".
The conversation went on for about 40 min and W looking for reasons to get angry (which I skillfully avoided) so that she could walk out of the uncomfortable conversation. Dismissive behavior is another sensitive point for me. I asked where she thought this was going with her decisions. She said she never considered. I asked if she ever considered my position and where this leaves me? She said that she didn't spend all her time contemplating things the way I do. I responded that considering another person's perspective wasn't an extraordinary feat. Anyway.
I know, I know. DBers don't engage in talks about the future. I will have to cool off before I decide how to proceed. Not the best time to make rash decisions.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Yea it's tough, I guess you have to just sit tight for now. I know you want change and you want it now but we rarely get it on our terms. Are you 100% sure your W is fully committed to you? Have you read 5 LL's? Are you working diligently to fill her love bucket?
Is your W ok with not having sex ever? Has she expressed interest in getting things going eventually?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I don't blame you for trying. I kinda got the feel from the Valenttines Day post that you are clearly in the friend zone.
I think you have two choices. 1. Accept the relationship for what it is and have zero expectations that it will ever change or 2. Directly tell her what you need to continue this relationship and if she is unable give you what you need that you file for divorce and pursue it elsewhere.
These things rarely change without time and space. Too many walls have been constructed over the years.
Sorry to hear how things went R. Honestly.... I think your W has no internal motivation to “try” because she doesn’t fear losing you. If you truly are tired of living in limbo, I think you should tell her it is time she followed through with moving out. But if limbo is okay for now, increase your GAL activities and give her more space. (((HUGS)))
Wow, brother! You are an awesome and patience man. Your W don't deserve you at this point. I don't know all the things she had to endure during you'll marrige, but you deserve better from her.
IMO, you are your W friend, you are in her friend zone. Legally you are her husband, in reality your are her friend. She buys food for you'll to cook together, you'll go to the movies together, but she won't be intimate with you.
Most, men never get out of the friend zone, once placed there. The one's that do, have one of two things happen, either they happen to have a lucky night of sex with the friend, and the guy thinks that will change the mind of the women, which it rarely does, or they, tell their lady friend how they truly feel and detach themselves. This distance gives the lady friend a chance to realize just how special this man is.
Your W, has already experienced sex with you, so I put all your chances in the second category. Your wife See's you as a guaranteed friend, and not a husband she has to work hard to keep. Has your W, truly have to feel the uncertainty of RR not being there the next day?
Life is very short. You are an amazing man!!!! Do you want to continue living as your W friend?
Joejoe01
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks, everyone. I took the day to get away. I balanced it with reflection as well as space and diversion. The revelation that she "Can't try" was taken by me to mean "I won't try for you" Yea, I know that's my own translation, but I don't think it is unrealistic either. Hurtful stuff. Most every 180 that I am aware of I have made along with consistency and time. Yes, I agree that I am in the Friend Zone.
Do I know if she is committed 100%? Obviously not. W's current state is that she isn't 100% committed to anything except her daughters. I always knew that she had a pattern of quitting instead of trying. She left jobs because things weren't right. She's never been one to take her own risks and try. People that can't shoulder the pain of failing, never try. When we all know that you don't fail until you stop trying.
Quote
Most, men never get out of the friend zone, once placed there. The one's that do, have one of two things happen, either they happen to have a lucky night of sex with the friend, and the guy thinks that will change the mind of the women, which it rarely does, or they, tell their lady friend how they truly feel and detach themselves. This distance gives the lady friend a chance to realize just how special this man is.
This I fully agree with. I have waited for the former and have tried to wait out this realization. I believe that stronger actions are necessary now.
Quote
Yea it's tough, I guess you have to just sit tight for now. I know you want change and you want it now but we rarely get it on our terms. Are you 100% sure your W is fully committed to you? Have you read 5 LL's? Are you working diligently to fill her love bucket?
Is your W ok with not having sex ever? Has she expressed interest in getting things going eventually?
During our morning convo W said "She didn't see ever going back". Yes, as far as I can tell Ws LL is quality time. I have intentionally filled this bucket. Years ago we both did the LL thing and W was unable to answer what her LL was.
For right now, I believe that I do have to allow her to truly know the feeling of uncertainty of RR not being there the next day.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
