Into the Fire (LB55 thread 2)

[Ready2Change]

IIf W will agree to be a little more amicable and friendly in regards to the kids, we can work the schedule fairly easily. She doesn't work and is home most days, so if I have a day where I will need a little extra time at work, I can give her notice in advance and have the kids stay with her until I get home. We will see, just want a good agreement that keeps me in their lives and minds.

Get the "normal" set in stone in the divorce decree. Exceptions will arise and can be negotiated at that time.

My normal is exchanges on Friday. Kids leave school and go to other parents house.

We have a weekly "Dinner Visit" midweek. Started out on Tuedays. (Ie the kids would come to my house after school during Moms parenting time. We would eat dinner, and I would drop them off at Moms at 8:30).

This gave me the ability to have 2 long days at work during my parenting time (Tuesdays/Fridays) and Three long work days during her week.



Any exceptions:
H:"W, I will be out of town next Wednesday. Would you like the kids to be with you? If I don't hear from you by Monday, I will make other arrangements."

[LB55]

R2C,

I like the Friday to Friday plan, it's what I planned to propose in the final arrangements. I got the mid week dinner idea from you in a different post. That was part of my email to W earlier today, having dinner on one night per week, flexible for baseball practice and games.

I didn't invite her to it, but if she agrees that the kids can visit for dinner once a week, eventually I will invite her to dinner. No expectations of course, just to show her s glimpse of new and improved LB. if she doesn't want to, me and the kids will have an awesome dinner anyway.

Thanks for your help R2C. Your insight is spot on for most every sitch I have read thus far.

[Ready2Change]

My pleasure. Keep the positive changes going.

[harvey]

I feel fortunate to have the custody agreement we settled on.

Two out of every three weeks:

My XW will pick up the girls after school on Monday, have them all week, and then drop off the girls at school on Friday morning.

I will pick up the girls after school on Friday, have them all weekend, and then drop off the girls at school on Monday morning.

The other week we reverse this schedule. This gives my XW more overnights (and a little child support that comes with it), but it gives me more weekends (no school).

[LB55]

Hahahaha the twisting of the words never stops.

I sent W a strongly worded email on Saturday about mid week visits and that they need to happen...we can work out the schedule.

She replied that mid week visits were not an options rom the court.

I replied that they were; that I recognize my strongly worded email could have been taken the wrong way, and that we need to work better together as a good example for the kids. More words than that, but that was the point.

She replies back today thanking me for admitting to sending inappropriate emails. Good one.

Says the court will decide when I get to see the kids, because that's in their best interests. I SOOO want to replay "W, no that is in YOUR best interest". But instead I sent an email advising her to follow up with her lawyer if she has concerns about the court documents' content. They haven't been reviewed by either of us, so guaranteed they aren't filed with the court yet. I also advised her that I am considering a Guardian ad Litem and will be discussing with my L...I suspect she knows that would likely help me get more visits and/or custody and will not want me to pursue that.

It's all so frustrating. Apply soap, Lather, Believe none of what they say...rinse, repeat.

[Ready2Change]

Twisting of words and different interpretations in the final decree should be addressed.


Reducing confusion should be your goal. As well as getting things clarified simplified.

Get things as concrete as possible.

Less exceptions the better.

Look at all the exchange times (holidays summer break etc) and try to get them narrowed down. I have 9A, 630P 7P 6P 8:30P 5P After School. I hate referring to the paper work.

[AnotherStander]

Hahahaha the twisting of the words never stops.

I sent W a strongly worded email on Saturday about mid week visits and that they need to happen...we can work out the schedule.

She replied that mid week visits were not an options rom the court.

I replied that they were; that I recognize my strongly worded email could have been taken the wrong way, and that we need to work better together as a good example for the kids. More words than that, but that was the point.

LB, I really do feel for you, this stuff is difficult enough without dealing with an adversarial spouse! My suggestion would be to back off on the mid-week visits discussions for now, wait until you have the court order in your hands and can read it and see exactly what it says. Hopefully it is in there, if so you can quote her the relevant passage and tell her you would like to make arrangements to begin those additional visits. If it's not in there then you'll have to talk to your L, because clearly your W isn't going to give you ANYTHING out of the "goodness" of her cold, black, dead heart.

Says the court will decide when I get to see the kids, because that's in their best interests. I SOOO want to replay "W, no that is in YOUR best interest".

Glad you didn't send that. I know it's got to be very tempting but these are the times you need to take the moral high road. Let her wallow in the mud by herself.

I'm still blown away at how this seemingly came out of nowhere, I mean it does for just about all of us but wow she is so full of anger and vindictiveness apparently without reason.

[Ready2Change]

Here is one of my Emails (out of the 13 in the chain) to my X:

Yes, searching the paperwork will not give you the answer to my question. Searching your core values will. I have spoken with each of the children and they all expressed their deep desires to share mothers day with you and fathers day with me. We can do the right thing for our kids and allow them to spend fathers day with me and mothers day with you. Or we can fall back on legal paperwork. Your choice. I just suggest making the right choice for the right reasons.

If you change your mind before 1p tomorrow (That will give you ample time to speak with the children and hear their true feelings as well as consult anyone else) , let me know and we can work out the exchange times.

If I don't hear back from you, I will consider this matter closed (even though I don't think it is the right choice) and we will stick to the normal parenting schedule on mothers day and fathers day from this point forward.

You are dealing with the same behavior. boundaries work. Being nice does not. Demanding does not.


The legal paperwork will be your foundation for everything else.

[LB55]

Thank you both for your thoughts and guidance.

I have consulted with my L and she says the mid week visits are definitely a thing the judge said.

I am waiting for her L to type up the temp orders and submit them for review. They haven't been filed with the court, contrary to W thinking.

My L says we will get the opportunity to review and submit our inputs and corrections before filing the final draft.

My L gave a couple good lines I will keep using. "I see we disagree on this topic; please contact Mr. Xlawyer (her L)to alleviate your concerns." This puts the onus on her to push everything.

My last two emails have simply said 'thank you for your reply, my lawyers and I are standing by to review the temp orders when Mr. Xlawyer has finished the draft for you.'

Latest excuse from W...I saw a truck with 4wd stuck yesterday; not sure it's safe for you to be driving around. Not sure the visit with the kids can be done because of my concerns about others driving ability.' I just replied thank you, I am acutely aware of local road conditions and safe driving techniques.

[LB55]

AS

Yes this is tough, and her adversarial behavior makes it ten times tougher! She says she wants to be amicable, and I agree with that.

However, she only wants to be amicable if it is in her best interest and works with her plans and schedule.

It is so very sudden. She did tell me in July or August that she is irrationally angry because I had been deployed for 8 months at that point, and I think she is using her anger to continue this assault on me to hurt and destroy me. Last time I was in the home it was loaded with motivational posters and sayings everywhere; she said those plus pictures of bad times we shared being up,kept her motivated to leave.

She has been irrationally angry before, and threatened divorce before, most recent time was 2011 when she told me to get a vasectomy or she was divorcing me because she was tired of having to take birth control pills and it shouldn't be her responsibility to minimize our chances of having another child. I didn't stand my ground and got the procedure done, and I regret it to this day, especially now. I wasn't sure about getting it done at the time, because I wasn't sure I only wanted 2 kids, and needed time to think. She demanded I get it done or she was leaving with the kids and moving to another state before I returned from deployment.