Into the Fire (LB55 thread 2)

[Ready2Change]

I am hopeful that eventually W will send me pics of the early days with the kids. I had a dumb phone and no pics and she has them all on her cloud which I cannot access. I got a smartphone in September so I have pics of them since then.

Get a clause written into the D decree that you can have copies.

[AnotherStander]

However this is one of the few angles I have to try and force the realization of her decision upon her.

All it's likely to do is build up more resentment, but capitulating will not earn you any points with her either. I think no matter what you do she'll find a reason to hate you for it. That's just her mindset right now. She is the epitome of a wayward, and that is so much more difficult than a WAW.

If we sell investments to 'pad each of our singular bank accounts to ease this transition' it makes this process easy for her. I am fine without the extra padding in my account.

Well if it's no harm to you then let it ride.

I am much more upset that she is isolating me from the kids, telling them to hush up about things, ordering them to block me from any form of electronic communications, and basically blowing up our family for her own selfish actions.

Yeah it's beyond terrible. I just can't imagine what happens to someone to make them do this to someone they formerly loved, it's just bizarre. Like some switch is flipped from "angel" to "devil child spawn of Satan".

[LB55]

All it's likely to do is build up more resentment, but capitulating will not earn you any points with her either. I think no matter what you do she'll find a reason to hate you for it. That's just her mindset right now. She is the epitome of a wayward, and that is so much more difficult than a WAW.

Yes it certainly could. She hates me and is angry with my anyway. She resents me and everything I have done and stood for over the years. Whats a little more? Risk vs reward. I risk a bit more crap in exchange for some potential for reasonable serious negotiations moving forward.

I wish I could get rid of the little birdie in her ear, the D mom that is with her almost daily. She is the toxic driver of this, providing her books on how to divorce narcissists, how to negotiate to kill, etc. She has 5 lawyers on retainer at all times, sues people regularly, lives in a waterfront house and vacations in Hawaii 4 times a year. Owns a small business that someone else manages for her. Sits at home all day and is available at any time to help commiserate. She is miserable, can't find a relationship even though she is attractive, and has admitted to being afraid of growing old with nobody. She is the real enabler here, always encouraging to 'do what you feel' 'make yourself happy' 'don't worry about what others think' 'you aren't the problem, everyone else is' and other stuff like that. If she would disappear my W would lose a lot of her fight fairly quickly.

Yeah it's beyond terrible. I just can't imagine what happens to someone to make them do this to someone they formerly loved, it's just bizarre. Like some switch is flipped from "angel" to "devil child spawn of Satan".

I can't imagine it either. I have tried desperately to understand, to read and to learn, to help her understand, to learn and grow and help each other. It has all blown up in my face and I am just in a defensive posture right now. If she slows down her bulldozer mentality and stops hitting below the belt I will relax a whole lot and this whole situation will become more tenable for both of us.

[LB55]

W sent me a couple messages yesterday to tell me how much I am to pay her and when I am to pay it. The amount she is demanding is more than the amount me and my L heard from the judge.

I replied that I am regretfully unable to discuss payments or plans outside of court orders. Enjoy your ski vacation.

Also pushed hard to sell investments to pay credit cards. Same response as above.

She has had the court orders for review from her L for a week now. She needs to finish reviewing and send the draft to my L for us to review. Once we have agreement between the parties, then I will pay per the agreement.

Her email was demanding, needy, and almost had a desperate undertone to it. I know that's difficult in email to determine, I will await her reply and read it at my convenience. It will likely be another sternly worded demand about payment. I will not negotiate with terrorists. That's what I want to say. Not going to, but it seems appropriate.

[Vapo]

LB,

any news?

[AnotherStander]

LB, hope you are doing well!

I replied that I am regretfully unable to discuss payments or plans outside of court orders. Enjoy your ski vacation.

Excellent!

Also pushed hard to sell investments to pay credit cards. Same response as above.

Excellent squared!

It will likely be another sternly worded demand about payment. I will not negotiate with terrorists. That's what I want to say. Not going to, but it seems appropriate.

It does indeed, more so in your sitch than in most others here! I'm not surprised she's starting to sound a little desperate, I don't think she anticipated you would get yourself prepared so quickly. Again I will say that you have done an outstanding job in absolutely horrible circumstances. You have a lot of strength of character.

[LB55]

I have been busy getting things in order, haven't been on here much.

Got my new place, have been slowly moving furniture in and hitting the local goodwill for key items for the kitchen so I can cook and eat. Its difficult when you get up at 430am and don't get home until 630 most nights to get a lot done.

Got a washer and dryer this weekend, found a nice set on craigslist, got them moved in and hooked up and washed clothes. I really don't enjoy Laundromats, so that was a very good thing.

My W is still just being her. I have attempted some open communication, which pretty much has gotten me nowhere. I know that was the likely outcome, but figured I would try. Not relationship stuff, mostly just me showing her in the only way that I can that I am not willing to back down from my position. I told her that I have been lied to, and that I cannot trust her right now. She replied about how this is all my fault, I am in violation of the temp orders(which still aren't approved or filed), if I could just take responsibility for my emotions and my actions then she could communicate better with me. If i would just deposit my paycheck into the joint account that she would be less stressed. That depositing my check elsewhere violated the restraining order. That i am projecting my behaviors on to her and that is why she appears angry. It took 2 lengthy emails to tell me that, the first one was ended at 10000 characters, and then next continued most of another 10000. She is very wrapped up in value of things right now. Like the value of a cutting board or a sleeping bag. Needs to be split evenly she says. Good Lord. Does she want half of the 5 rolls of pennies I have in my nightstand?

Says she moved all my stuff out to help me, and poor her, she had to buy all new furniture and that is my fault because she is just trying to make me happy. Nonsense.

She says that negotiation requires compromise on both parties. I agree it does.
I asked for a mid week visit with the kids. No.
I asked for 3 extra hours on a Saturday to have dinner with the kids. No.
I asked to take the kids for a weekend to visit my family. No.
I asked to come to the house and get some things. No.

Nice negotiation tactics, W. Terrorist I tell you! Says I am too demanding in my tone.

Right now I am just trying to get the taxes done. She is ok with married filing jointly, as long as she doesn't have to talk to me and I do all the work. I want to hire a tax attorney and have him file suit against her and her business for 2/3 of the tax prep fees. Likely won't, but its what I want to do. How am I supposed to do her business taxes with no info? She says I can email her and she will reply to my question. That will only take a month of Sundays.

She told me that I need to follow the temp orders. I simply replied that they are not orders until both sides approve of them and they are filed with the court. Right now they are just a .pdf document. Says neither of us understands the legal stuff and it will just work itself out. I said i am crystal clear on the process. She replies that they aren't negotiable. I am letting my lawyer deal with it. I told my L that me going to the house and collecting my things is not optional. W is still very against it, she is hiding something, probably a new man living there. She wants a list so she can just take the items to storage and I can pick them up there. Not going to happen.

She said she missed her ski vacation because she didn't have any money. It was on the 17th of Feb, she demanded a bunch of money on the 15th. Makes sense to me why she was demanding it. Don't believe anything they say, I know, but I am taking a bit of solace in standing firm on not paying until I have approved orders. Also said she couldn't have an expensive party for my D8 for her birthday. Consequences of your choice. I made my D a cake with my goodwill finds, it turned out great. Vanilla with chocolate frosting and raspberry filling. One fork, one knife, two baking pans, a mixing bowl, and a plate. Add the ingredients and voila! W was surprised when I dropped the kids off and they came home with half of a cake.

I have read NMMNG and a book about not being co-dependent anymore. Both were good reads, going to start them over again and see what I get the second time.

Went out with some friends last night and played shuffleboard, that was good. Good to get out for a night and away from moving furniture or cooking dinner. Cooking for 1 stinks, but I cannot eat out every night. I will get fat and lose my skills.

Donated a ton of my old clothes to goodwill, they didn't fit right, didn't look right, and were just plain old. Slowly getting a few more clothes that are well fitting and modern, yet still me.

I think less about her now, still a fair amount, but less. I am less angry with her, mostly just hurt from being lied to and I am completely unable to trust her right now. From all the misunderstandings, lies, misleading and contradictory statements she has made, I just cannot trust anything she says right now. Its sad. I trusted her with everything for so long. Its hard to not tell her how I feel.

[Ready2Change]

Thanks for the update. I have been there done that. You are doing great.


180 and enjoy cooking for one. I did. Turn on some good music.

[ovrrnbw]

I can't believe you're going to Goodwill and paying this "person" 7K a month to go screw off on a mountain. All that counting pennies is going to come bite her in the butt. And what's stopping her from, you know, earning her own money?

If you can only email on Sundays and she wants to take forever, I guess you'd have to file for an extension, and her refund may get delayed. That would be horrible.

Why in the name of God can't you go to your own house? I'm so lost on this, and obviously pissed. This is some backwards bull crap if I've ever seen it.

I love you making the cake. It doesn't have to be gourmet, but your kids won't remember that! Do you regularly work 14 hour days? That has to make it hard to GAL.

[LB55]

I can't believe you're going to Goodwill and paying this "person" 7K a month to go screw off on a mountain. All that counting pennies is going to come bite her in the butt. And what's stopping her from, you know, earning her own money?

If you can only email on Sundays and she wants to take forever, I guess you'd have to file for an extension, and her refund may get delayed. That would be horrible.

Why in the name of God can't you go to your own house? I'm so lost on this, and obviously pissed. This is some backwards bull crap if I've ever seen it.

I love you making the cake. It doesn't have to be gourmet, but your kids won't remember that! Do you regularly work 14 hour days? That has to make it hard to GAL.

Here is the deal on one of this. She is asking for a monthly amount totaling $8875. This is her getting the income from both rental homes, $2k in alimony, $1800 in child support, and 1670 for some disability that doesn’t really affect her anymore. I get about $7250 a month which is you take out $3800 doesn’t leave me with a fair amount in my mind. The judge says that the rental homes could count for the alimony but she doesn’t think that’s fair. To be clear I paid her the child support money, she is taking all the rent, and I don’t feel bad for holding out on the spouse support. She isn’t eating ramen noodles.

Everything is a negotiation.

I enjoy shopping at goodwill, you would be amazed at some of the nice kitchen stuff people get rid of. Found a $100 frying pan for $3 the other day.

I don’t work 14 hour days, I start at 6 and leave about 4. I workout before I go home so I get home at 630 or so. Trying to alternate workouts and moving furniture.

We probably owe on taxes. She doesn’t know that yet.

Why can’t I go to the house? Well I had a restraining order filed against me, I think that is lifted, but since the temporders are still not filed with the court, we are kind of in limbo land so I don’t want to get in trouble. She has been adamant since the beginning that I not be allow d to return and get my things.

She did get me worked up tonight, said her lawyer gave her some great advice that she would pass on to me to help. He said ‘take the emotion out and treat it as a business transaction’. That may work for her. I sent a quick reply that while I respect her L opinion, my kids will never be referred to as a business transaction.