Into the Fire (LB55 thread 2)

[LB55]

I don’t know if it was the right time to do it, it I threw a truth dart at W tonight.

She went on and on via email about how she had to buy a new bedroom set and new living room furniture in order to ensure that I was happy and W didn’t have to sleep on the floor and that the kids had a place to sit. She moved the old furniture out to storage In order to help me get access to it at my convenience when I got my new place. This is to help me get settled.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I replied “W, it was your choice to buy new furniture, it was your choice to move the old stuff out, it was your choice to select thing things that make me happy without asking what made me happy, and you put it in-storage to be convenient to me without asking if that would be convenient for me. None of these things were done to help me in any way, please stop using that narrative to justify your choices and actions. Regards, H”

I didn’t go so far as to say the divorce is her choice, she might pick up on it or she might not. This crap about her doing all of this to help me is nonsense. It’s to make her feel less guilty while getting what she wants.

[Ready2Change]

Did she buy it the new stuff on credit card? If they are big ticket items, makes sure they are valued at the price she paid.

Look up chris voss on youtube if you have some free time.

[LB55]

Did she buy it the new stuff on credit card? If they are big ticket items, makes sure they are valued at the price she paid.

Look up chris voss on youtube if you have some free time.

I am unsure how she paid. It’s not on our joint credit card. I assume she got store credit in her name or she has a new card in her name.

I will look up Chris Voss. Got lots of free time these days. Work cancelled due to snow again tomorrow. Have an evening with the kids tomorrow. Bowling and pizza is what I am thinking. Maybe Chinese and a movie. We will see what they want to do. Don’t have my house yet so have to go out.

[AnotherStander]

I have consulted with my L and she says the mid week visits are definitely a thing the judge said.

The written agreement supercedes all verbal discussion. It doesn't matter what the judge said, what matters is what's in the paperwork. What I'm saying is quit talking to your W about this stuff until you have the paperwork in hand and can verify what's in it. If the mid-week visits were missed then you'll have to consult your L on how big a deal it is to get it added back in. Your W is very angry and as you said is looking for every way she can to "punish" you. So you've got to back off and leave her alone and stick to the letter of the law. You've got to be all-business with her from this point forward.

My last two emails have simply said 'thank you for your reply, my lawyers and I are standing by to review the temp orders when Mr. Xlawyer has finished the draft for you.'

Good!

However, she only wants to be amicable if it is in her best interest and works with her plans and schedule.

Exactly. Her way or there will be hell to pay. The problem (for her) is you're not playing by her rules. You moved to protect yourself and fight her baseless accusations and she is ANGRY about it. Just don't give her any ammo to use against you during this time.

She has been irrationally angry before, and threatened divorce before, most recent time was 2011 when she told me to get a vasectomy or she was divorcing me because she was tired of having to take birth control pills and it shouldn't be her responsibility to minimize our chances of having another child. I didn't stand my ground and got the procedure done, and I regret it to this day, especially now. I wasn't sure about getting it done at the time, because I wasn't sure I only wanted 2 kids, and needed time to think. She demanded I get it done or she was leaving with the kids and moving to another state before I returned from deployment.

Well that's a blatant red flag that something was wrong. I'm not so sure that you getting a vasectomy would have changed a thing though. The truth of the matter is that it IS her responsibility just as much as it is yours. And taking a pill each day is pretty insignificant compared to getting a surgical procedure (assuming it wasn't causing her health complications). I have a friend that had complications due to a vasectomy procedure and let me tell you, if you heard what happened to him it would make you think twice about doing it. I imagine if you had gotten one then she would have found some other reason to be resentful, so don't beat yourself up too much over that.

I don’t know if it was the right time to do it, it I threw a truth dart at W tonight.

Remember- BUSINESS ONLY when you talk/ text with her. Anything like that is just going to be ammo for her to show everyone- "see how mean and vindictive he is? I shouldn't have to take this!" I mean I understand how tempting it is, but you've got to avoid that to protect yourself and your time with the kids. Not that what you said was particularly confrontational, but right now ANYTHING you say or do that is not strictly business is going to get twisted by her into something evil.

[Ready2Change]

This is all still one big negotiation. Can you get a transcript of the court hearing? You can review it and compare to the draft of the temp orders. People make mistakes. (sometimes on purpose).

[Ready2Change]

What I'm saying is quit talking to your W about this stuff ...Your W is very angry and as you said is looking for every way she can to "punish" you. So you've got to back off and leave her alone

You are dealing with someone who is trying to take your kids away. I am sure this makes you angry. It makes me angry and I am just on the sidelines.


Channel that anger into positive actions toward your goal. 50/50 parenting.

Remember this:

You can not reason with crazy. Right now, she is crazy. Let the legal system work for you.

[LB55]

This is all still one big negotiation. Can you get a transcript of the court hearing? You can review it and compare to the draft of the temp orders. People make mistakes. (sometimes on purpose).

I don’t know if I can get a copy of the transcripts or not. I would say probably. Today is day 8 and her L has not drafted the temp orders yet. She is under the impression that they have already been filed and I should request a copy from the court. My L is very insistent that they are not able to be filed until both parties are in agreement. This sounds logical to me.

I will ask my L if that’s possible. I am 100% positive the judge said that mid weeks are fine and I was confirming with my L in my statement above.

I have ruminated on the various statements above while I was driving this morning. You are right and I need to let the legal papers do the talking right now. She wants no negotiations outside of the court orders, I will not negotiate about the financial stuff she wants.

I will give her a quick reply when she asks about it: W, In compliance with your requests that no negotiations take place between us outside of court orders, and the court orders do not address our plans to sell investments to pay bills, I am unable to discuss a plan to sell investments to pay for bills. Please consult with your L and draft up your proposal for review by my L. Regards, H”

Does that work?

[LB55]

I have consulted with my L and she says the mid week visits are definitely a thing the judge said.

The written agreement supercedes all verbal discussion. It doesn't matter what the judge said, what matters is what's in the paperwork. What I'm saying is quit talking to your W about this stuff until you have the paperwork in hand and can verify what's in it. If the mid-week visits were missed then you'll have to consult your L on how big a deal it is to get it added back in. Your W is very angry and as you said is looking for every way she can to "punish" you. So you've got to back off and leave her alone and stick to the letter of the law. You've got to be all-business with her from this point forward.

I haven’t seen the temp orders yet. Her lawyer hasn’t typed them up yet. Kind of in limbo land thus my desire to negotiate with her about the mid week visits. My L says i the judge definitely said they are authorized.

However, she only wants to be amicable if it is in her best interest and works with her plans and schedule.

Exactly. Her way or there will be hell to pay. The problem (for her) is you're not playing by her rules. You moved to protect yourself and fight her baseless accusations and she is ANGRY about it. Just don't give her any ammo to use against you during this time.

Yes she is angry, all of th communications have an angry undertone. I am trying hard to not respond in kind.

She has been irrationally angry before, and threatened divorce before, most recent time was 2011 when she told me to get a vasectomy or she was divorcing me because she was tired of having to take birth control pills and it shouldn't be her responsibility to minimize our chances of having another child. I didn't stand my ground and got the procedure done, and I regret it to this day, especially now. I wasn't sure about getting it done at the time, because I wasn't sure I only wanted 2 kids, and needed time to think. She demanded I get it done or she was leaving with the kids and moving to another state before I returned from deployment.

Well that's a blatant red flag that something was wrong. I'm not so sure that you getting a vasectomy would have changed a thing though. The truth of the matter is that it IS her responsibility just as much as it is yours. And taking a pill each day is pretty insignificant compared to getting a surgical procedure (assuming it wasn't causing her health complications). I have a friend that had complications due to a vasectomy procedure and let me tell you, if you heard what happened to him it would make you think twice about doing it. I imagine if you had gotten one then she would have found some other reason to be resentful, so don't beat yourself up too much over that.

Unfortunately I did get it done. Fortunately I didn’t have any serious complications. I regret it most days though. I was torn at the time and needed time to decide. My younger immature self was very scared of the threat to leave with the kids before I got back from the Middle East and so I had it done by the doc a few weeks before my return.

I don’t know if it was the right time to do it, it I threw a truth dart at W tonight.

Remember- BUSINESS ONLY when you talk/ text with her. Anything like that is just going to be ammo for her to show everyone- "see how mean and vindictive he is? I shouldn't have to take this!" I mean I understand how tempting it is, but you've got to avoid that to protect yourself and your time with the kids. Not that what you said was particularly confrontational, but right now ANYTHING you say or do that is not strictly business is going to get twisted by her into something evil.

Yes I understand. I am having hard time with some of her statements. In my world silence is acceptance and if I don’t respond to statements about it being what I wanted and her just doing me a favor it becomes a court doc the next day proving it’s what I want. Very frustrating.

[Ready2Change]

I will give her a quick reply when she asks about it: W, In compliance with your requests that no negotiations take place between us outside of court orders, and the court orders do not address our plans to sell investments to pay bills, I am unable to discuss a plan to sell investments to pay for bills. Please consult with your L and draft up your proposal for review by my L. Regards, H”

Does that work?

Less is always better.

H:"I have not decided"

or

H:"I believe it is better for the lawyer to handle that"

[LB55]

Well had a good visit with my kids today unsupervised. We saw amovie and had dinner together even though most places were closed due to weather.

First thing out my S11 mouth, not even out of the driveway yet. “Let me tell you about moms new friend Mr. X!”. D8 “ S11 mom said we aren’t allowed to talk about that with dad!”

Mr. X moved here in September. Lives two doors down. This all hit the fan between September and November. Guess I have my answer now. Suspected A, pretty much confirmed now.

Man she had a mean scowl on her face when I showed up today. I didn’t even acknowledge her existence. Hugged the kids, got em in the truck, left. Very difficult to return them.