Firstly, what a fantastic community and resource. It has been a tremendous help since the rug was pulled from under me a few weeks ago.
My wife and I have been together since we were 17 (both 31 now), and married for 3 years, at which point we moved into our home together. No kids. She is the love of my life.
3 weeks ago, she gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' talk. I did all the stupid things many of us go through before finding DB.
Reflecting on what's happened, there are many signs that my W has been quietly going through an MLC and trying to deal with it herself over the past year.
For most of her career, she was a nurse at a children's hospital. She loved everything about the job, but the shift work was starting to get to her. Just over a year ago she enrolled in a new course at uni and also got a part time office job. Let's just say her new office job is less than mesmerising and I know she has been struggling with the adjustment. In hindsight, I could've done more to make her feel supported during her transition.
Even before dropping the bomb on me, I'd noticed a distinct lack of intimacy a couple of months ago. Since reading about W's go through MLC in their 30's, she's doing all the textbook things -
Going out drinking much more often with her younger single uni friends Putting a lot more effort into her looks when she goes out - but not for me Plastic surgery (something she told me she's always wanted, so I was supportive) Spending much more time on her phone/social media Hanging out with male colleagues/uni friends solo, which is something she never did in happier times She has verbalised that she feels like she has no identity and doesn't know her purpose in life Saying "grass is always greener" things and that there may be people better suited for us, and that we're just too different
My dilemma is the following:
She has indicated that she needs space to decide if she actually want to even try to repair our relationship. We've been to 2 marriage counselling sessions, but as I'm the only one that's been putting in the effort, we're not getting anywhere.
To make matters much more complex, her parents, who I love and get along with dearly, have recently moved in with us as they begin to renovate their house. What timing!
How do I give her space but being in the same house? I don't think it's right for me to have to move out.
In terms of my own mental sanity, I'm working out again and trying to GAL.
Any tips? I've stop all pursuits but I keep having a niggling feeling that she thinks I'm being cold and will feel more justified in her actions.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. There is nothing you can do but focus on yourself. Read everything. DB like a mad man. Unfortunately it sounds like there may be another man involved. Your W isca bit young for MLC.
Is she hiding her phone? Does she get really defensive if you ask about anything shes doing? Stop all pursuit and give her the space she wants. Its very important for you to detach. You will live but you will hurt. The faster you detach and focus on bettering yourself the quicker you will feel better emotionally.
Time to be the best version of yourself ever.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
3 weeks ago, she gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' talk.
First please understand that once a woman gets to the point of BD'ing, she's already two feet out the door. Your whole life will get turned upside down and inside out. The good news is you'll come out the other side a better person, and possibly with a new relationship with her. But it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. I'm sure right now you are looking for the "magic button" to press and "fix" everything but there isn't one. Read DR and put it into effect. Give your W time and space and work on you. Accept that this is going to take a lot of patience on your part!
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She has indicated that she needs space to decide if she actually want to even try to repair our relationship. We've been to 2 marriage counselling sessions, but as I'm the only one that's been putting in the effort, we're not getting anywhere.
Stop going to MC. It's fine to go to IC, hopefully she will too but that's out of your control. But you should go. She's only going to MC so she can tell everyone she "even tried MC".
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How do I give her space but being in the same house? I don't think it's right for me to have to move out.
NO don't move out!!!!! Don't move out of the MBR either, if she wants to then that's her choice but you stay put. Read Sandi's rules every day. Those are your template on how to give her space while in the same house. Don't follow her around like a puppy dog. Don't be needy. Get out and do things as much as you can.
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Any tips? I've stop all pursuits but I keep having a niggling feeling that she thinks I'm being cold and will feel more justified in her actions.
Again read Sandi's rules. Giving her space does not mean being cold and indifferent. The idea is to LOVINGLY detach.
Any tips? I've stop all pursuits but I keep having a niggling feeling that she thinks I'm being cold and will feel more justified in her actions.
This stood out to me. Detachment is counter-intuitive, so we all have thoughts like this. However, has pursuit worked? My guess is that you tried it first and more than likely it pushed her further away. Detachment might not save your marriage. But it will save you. And pursuit almost never works.
So your choice is to detach or pursue. One has a chance to save your marriage, the other does not. One will save you from your sitch and the other will set you up for more pain.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This stood out to me. Detachment is counter-intuitive, so we all have thoughts like this. However, has pursuit worked? My guess is that you tried it first and more than likely it pushed her further away. Detachment might not save your marriage. But it will save you. And pursuit almost never works.
So your choice is to detach or pursue. One has a chance to save your marriage, the other does not. One will save you from your sitch and the other will set you up for more pain.
This certainly makes sense. I will continuing working on my detachment. Sometimes I do feel much better. I hope it gets easier.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/12/1909:16 PM. Reason: fix html
Today we had lunch with her brother in the city. I get along with my brother in law, well, like a brother. Have known him the entire time my wife and I have been together.
Out of nowhere she mentions that we are having problems and are looking to do a trial separation. He is the first person to hear of our troubles outside of us.
My BIL is a great, balanced guy and recommended he catch up with us separately so he can get both sides of the story openly and without prejudice.
I also notice she's not wearing her ring today.
During the conversation I stood my ground and said that I don't think I should be the one to move out if she needs space. I wouldn't stop her from finding space, but I think that I should stay, since she's the one wanting out.
She said that it was her parents living with us right now in our home, and that it would be awkward for just me to be there. I countered and said that I get along extremely well with her parents, and if anything they would give me less pressure than they would to their own daughter.
Still unresolved at this point but I'm glad I at least expressed my view that it should be her to move out. We have another spare bedroom she could move into, but it's completely her choice if she decides move out.
I'm hurting pretty bad about her not wearing her ring. She's at a new internship twice a week with 'like minded people' and I can't help but feel insecure right now.
She says she needs space to figure out what she wants in life, and whether or not she wants to work our M.
If I'm trying to detach, is it bad for me to insist that we shouldn't be allowed to see other people during the separation? On the other hand, my boundaries as a man makes me think that would the ultimate betrayal, and not something I'm willing to accept.
I'm happy to give her space, in the hopes that it will help facilitate clearing her head, but I'm afraid if she has an A whilst we're apart I wouldn't be able to forgive her and ever reconcile the M.
I'm happy to give her space, in the hopes that it will help facilitate clearing her head, but I'm afraid if she has an A whilst we're apart I wouldn't be able to forgive her and ever reconcile the M.
Sorry to say this but pray for the best and expect the worst. She likely will have an affair if she has not had it already.
So if that changes anything for you then start thinking that way now.
She says she needs space to figure out what she wants in life, and whether or not she wants to work our M.
If I'm trying to detach, is it bad for me to insist that we shouldn't be allowed to see other people during the separation? On the other hand, my boundaries as a man makes me think that would the ultimate betrayal, and not something I'm willing to accept.
I'm happy to give her space, in the hopes that it will help facilitate clearing her head, but I'm afraid if she has an A whilst we're apart I wouldn't be able to forgive her and ever reconcile the M.
Kwandoku, if she agreed not to see other people during separation, do you think she would live up to it? I am of the firm belief that women don't need their own place to work on the MR, or find themselves. They need it to sleep with other people. Your current dynamic of having her parents live there makes that a little less of a truth, but still, her parents are probably going to be less questioning of her whereabouts and comings and goings as you would be.
Kwandoku, you need to really work on detachment. I am still seeing you hanging on tight. Her not wearing her rings should be like water off of a duck's back. Funny, she brings up your problems to her brother, and you are more upset about her not wearing her rings. Detachment is not so much something you do, it is something you are. Most people think detachments means being cold and distant. It doesn't. It means that you no longer react emotionally to the things she says and does. That is your goal. That she could tell you she ran naked through a train station, and you would be unfazed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
