Hey DV - good points. Very hard to take stock of someone on just one meeting, but I am aiming for that for sure. The only thing I want to convey to him is that I expect him to treat my kids with kindness, generosity, and respect. The purpose is not to put the fear of god in him, which is stupid bravado and wouldn't work anyways. I know that exW will expect him to behave in a specific way with the kids, but I believe that he needs to know from me as well. I am not a backseat parent and I expect people to treat my kids well. And if I have an issue, I will be coming at him directly, not through exW.
That's all really I need to tell him, and also let them know that this isn't going to be some Kumbaya type situation where we all hangout together and have a backyard bbq.
Thanks Nef - that's exactly what I needed to hear. I know myself and what I want for my kids and I will bring that same Maika energy to this - civil, straight forward, polite, and firm. Not trying to do some macho bull$hit.
That's all really I need to tell him, and also let them know that this isn't going to be some Kumbaya type situation where we all hangout together and have a backyard bbq.
Haha! yeh LH I know your story on this. Well, I don't think I am saying this out of spite. I am a very - you're in, or you're out' kinda person. With DBing, I've become better at giving people more chances and space to see if they would be a good fit in my life. Previously if you were out, you were out for good. It's changed for me. However, I just have no desire to have anything with exW and her life. I know it may change and I may grow into a different person, but at this point I just don't see it.
The day has gone by and I'm still okay. Still laser focused on me and if nothing, this crap brings it even more to the forefront. I had planned to redo my resume to shake off the professional blues, and while doing so, I realized I've accomplished so much. This who BD thing threw me for such a loop about my value as a person in all areas of my life. I let my work life suffer for a long time and couldn't get around to doing my job well - I got stuff done, but not at my pace and level of execution. It's just a bad strategy to block the leak in a dam with your hands. At some point your fingers will slip and the whole thing will come crashing down. I needed to rebuild the dam, but I didn't have it in me so I hung on to dear life this whole year at my job.
Well, it changed a couple of weeks ago and I started not only pulling my weight, but actually getting things done at my level. I intend to keep building.
Sorry M as you know I went through this about a year ago. I still have not met my Xw bf and when it first happened mine went down about the exact same way. I told her I had no desire to meet him partially because at that time I was not emotionally ready and second because I told her that I trusted her that she would not just bring anyone into their lives. That if she felt he was a good person, etc. then he was good with me. Crappy that she told you via text and not in person.
Just remember that you will be eventuality doing the same and you will want her to show you the same level of respect.
Hey J - I remember when it went down for you. I remember it being rough. I think with the added time on my end, it's been slightly easier, but hey, I am still up and can't go to sleep lol. It was the first thing I saw in the morning when I woke up and so that was kinda crappy to start my day like that. Plus, I had just seen her the other day - the same day she met his kids and vice versa at some fast food joint. Plenty of opportunity to tell me in person, but didn't have the courage to do so.
I just remembered - in her text she said that she was in the beginning stages and this guy has potential and so she wanted to see how he would be around kids. That just screams poor judgment on her part, or she's lying about it being in the 'beginning' stages. Either option [censored]. It would be dumb to introduce the kids to someone in the 'beginning' stages of dating. I did tell her I was disappointed, but I got no apology, no nothing from her. Just another indication, on top of how this went down, that she is not emotionally healthy. Any time in the last year if I've genuinely messed up on things around communication about the kids or something that she should've had a heads up on, I've apologized and made sure that I exercise enough empathy. She f#$%s up on something we agreed on, and I get crickets from her when I actually bring it up.
She's got ways to go in improving her emotional and mental health, but not my concern as long as the kids are doing well. I did go a little loopy with my thoughts and emotions today and creating stupid scenarios where the kids would want to hang out with him more than me - one of my biggest fears is rejection coming from my abandonment issues and my kids rejecting me would take a huge toll on me. However, I know that this was just my fear and even if the kids want to hang out with him, it's not a reflection of me as a parent. I am pretty secure in the way I parent and spend time with my kids and the love I have for them. I also know they love me and I really have nothing to fear. It was kinda good to get that played out so that I could experience the feeling of rejection and realize that it has no real basis but my own emotional weaknesses that I am improving upon.
I did also play out her banging this guy in my head, and what made me feel sad and replaced was not the actual sex, but the intimacy and connection that I don't get to share. Which made me realize that I don't miss the sex with her, but I miss the intimacy of having a partner - someone you can hold close and snuggle up with. I am a big physical affection guy and so this stuff totally feeds into my LL. I miss sex in general, but not particularly with her.
I am going to go try and get some sleep. Writing this out is therapeutic and I feel already lighter in my head and heart.
I think mine prob introduced too early as well but did it so they could spend more time together. Our mutual family friend told me that my girls dont pay much attention to him when he is around and that he doesnt really interact that much with them. She also said he seems pretty strict and is in my xw ear telling her how to discipline, etc. Her issue to deal with as my only concern is that my girls are happy and they seem to very much be. They have never once brought up the xw bf to me in conversation and my 9 yr old is old enough to Express herself.
Just remember whatever you do or say you dont want it to be reflected or taken out on your kids.
Yeah I think it's the same - so they could spend more time together. I have no idea how it's going to unfold over time. Thanks for the tip on not being taken out on the kids. I'll be mindful. I'm not trying to put the fear of god in him or anything. It's a meet and greet and I am just going to let him know my expectations.
Still have a pit in my stomach about this. Feeling this $ucks. I'll have to sit with it and ride it out. This was to come at some point of course.
