It has been a while. Are you still hanging in there bud? Do you have any updates?
Last edited by Twofeet; 01/03/1906:37 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Been a while since I have posted. I hope everyone had an amazing holiday season and I wish everyone all the best in 2019. I have really turned a corner in the last couple of weeks and I am feeling amazing. I hosted and attended several dinners with family, friends and neighbors over Christmas, shared a lot of laughs and really enjoyed every minute. Me and the kids had a blast and enjoyed a lot of great quality time together. All the little moments in life really seem to have extra meaning these days and I feel a real sense of calm and inner peace.
Not much to report on as far as W goes and I am at the point now where I don't even feel the need to elaborate much. I will say that I view her actions from a very clear perspective now and some of her behavior over the last couple of weeks has really driven home detachment for me. I settled in nicely to life alone when she was living at the in laws for a month and I had a lot of time to analyze the situation internally. I began to see things for what they were over the last year and realized that I was hanging onto a very unhealthy relationship. When W returned to the house after the in laws vacation was over several of the realizations I had come to were quickly confirmed. One example I will provide, I hosted my parents for dinner between Christmas and New Years so they could spend some more time with the kids before they returned home. W was at work for the day but as a friendly gesture I invited her to join us. I spent all day busting my rear end cooking an amazing meal and making sure the house was clean. W walked in late from work just as dinner was about ready, we sat down to eat and all I heard about was how the mashed potatoes had too much milk in them, brown gravy does not go with prime rib and she won't eat it with out au jus and I was out of HP sauce so she really couldn't eat it. It was one complaint after another and she dumped most of her meal in the garbage. Me, the kids and my parents enjoyed our time together but I was left embarrassed and my parents disgusted. That really was the nail in the coffin for me.
I still hold some hope that one day M 2.0 could happen but as each day passes the list of things that would have to be acknowledged and worked on only grows.
Here we are 4 months since BD. I am very surprised at how well things are going for me personally and I owe every single person on here a huge thank you for that. Reading through everyone's stories and the advice I received on my own sitch has really pulled me through the darkest time of my life remarkably fast. I continue to improve myself, especially in the area of NGS, working out etc. GAL I think was the single most important part of the process. I have made a ton of new friends and now enjoy a schedule full of fun activities throughout the week. GAL has also brought about a new appreciation for the city I live in and all that it has to offer. From restaurants and bars, to events and activities I can't believe I was missing out on this stuff for so long.
As far as my sitch goes: W continues to plug away like life will go on as usual (with the exception of a relationship) with no plan in place and no desire to actually put in the effort to sort things out. Every day that passes and the more people I meet the closer I get to wanting D myself. I still have a ways to go with that and whatever way it goes I will be fine. Separation and pressing forward with dividing assets, especially the house, I am trying to push forward with though. At this point I really just want my own space to call home that I can decorate to my liking and do whatever I please in without having to worry about someone else. My alone time with a glass of wine, dim lights and music on has become one of my favorite times. The in house separation is also causing a lot of confusion for the kids and I feel is only prolonging the inevitable for them. My thoughts are at least if we were physically separated the kids could beging to adjust to the new normal of two houses. Meeting tomorrow with the bank to discuss a mortgage and then with the lawyers Friday to see what my options are for getting things moving forwards. A year and a half of being ignored and slowly watching the person I loved so much pull away from me plus 4 months since BD I am ready to move on with my life with or without her.
Journaling: Lately I find myself just stuck. I want to proceed with separation, get financials and the house sorted out etc. The more reasonable I am and the more I try and offer W to move things along it seems the less inclined she is to actually proceed. I know I shouldn't but i can't help but think about the why? For someone that remains 100% committed to getting a divorce what is holding her back? Why will she not actually proceed with S in any way? I find myself constantly flip flopping back and forth these days wondering if recon would even be an option at this point. If W was to come to me tomorrow and beg for me to stay I'm not sure if I would even consider it. My rediscovered self worth and realization of how I should be treated by someone that supposedly loves me have really opened my eyes. I am really enjoying bachelor life style, going out with friends on the days I don't have the kids and not having to answer to anyone, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, music and a book for hours in the evening and not having to worry about a thing, the thought of buying a new place and decorating to my liking all are very exciting to me. I really just want to get things moving forward. I'm 33 years old and should be having the time of my life.
For someone that remains 100% committed to getting a divorce what is holding her back? Why will she not actually proceed with S in any way?
It is more than likely because you have taken the pressure off her so she has slowed the process down.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
If W was to come to me tomorrow and beg for me to stay I'm not sure if I would even consider it.
I think you are BSing yourself but why even worry about that right now.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
My rediscovered self worth and realization of how I should be treated by someone that supposedly loves me have really opened my eyes. I am really enjoying bachelor life style, going out with friends on the days I don't have the kids and not having to answer to anyone, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, music and a book for hours in the evening and not having to worry about a thing, the thought of buying a new place and decorating to my liking all are very exciting to me. I really just want to get things moving forward. I'm 33 years old and should be having the time of my life.
There are a lot of positives about getting divorced. More than most newbies can even imagine.
LH, I could very well be BS'ing myself and I also recognize that and you are right, doesn't really matter right now. At the very least I do have a very clear picture of the type of relationship I want moving forward.
Quickly coming up on the 5 month mark and not much to report. Things are going pretty well for me outside of the sitch. GAL has been in overdrive with lots of dinners and gatherings with friends, fishing, working out and messing with some of my hobbies. I have taken a break from IC for a bit as advised by the therapist. She is very happy with my progress and the changes I have made and suggested just some check in appointments down the road to make sure I am still on track. I am 90% back to my old happy confidant self and everyone around me has taken notice.
As far as S goes there is still absolutely zero progress. There is still no official parenting plan, still no discussions around financials and still no plan about the house. I do not like the feeling of being trapped but unfortunately until she is willing to deal with things there isn't much I can do. I try to get her to discuss things and sit down with me to go at least bounce some ideas off each other but every time I get the same reply, "we will figure it out". Umm ya, that's exactly what I'm attempting to do. It's bizarre to me that W seems to have no plan whatsoever to actually move on with her life. I probably shouldn't have but the other night I point blank asked her why "If you were so miserable in our marriage and I supposedly made you so unhappy and held you back so much then why are you still here and not moving forward with sorting things out?" I did not get a response.
As far as S goes there is still absolutely zero progress.
Unless you want S then this is actually good news. As LH said it's an indication that you've been doing good DB'ing. She is no longer feeling any pressure to act. Of course it is frustrating and you are asking "why isn't she doing anything" but the reason is because she's still trying to figure out what she wants to do. She could very well just hang there until she decides that staying isn't so bad. That happened to one of my coworkers, his W went WAS and he basically said "there's the door, leave whenever you want". That was about 3 years ago and she never did leave.
AS is right—that is good news, as long as you don’t want S.
My W has been all ‘I want S / D and blah blah blah’ and I told her she can leave and find her own place, and she is staying—so far, because she doesn’t want to ‘abandon’ the kids.
