[quote=Yail] At the same time, H has asked for a D. WTH? I see where your confusion lies, and you don't want to allow him to treat you as if you only exist at his disposal.
He has never come out and said the D word to me. He mentioned it to my daughter but not to me. To me he says he wants out of the M (I know that’s the same thing). But it’s like he can’t bring himself to say D.
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Woah, that was a major misunderstanding on my part! I think I might re-advise based on my new understanding. I thought the D word had been said to you directly. Yes, he truly is muddled.
From my vantage point of reading what you wrote, it seems that your H really is struggling with MLC as you stated. I know every one of his actions is difficult for you to deal with - the push/pull, the lack of connection, the wanting "out". I sense that you just want so badly to have an impact on him and to influence him. You can't right now. I think that's in a large part what depression is: you can't reach him right now, he's on an island. He wants to get off the island, but he doesn't have the tools yet, or maybe he hasn't had enough time to build a boat. But he is the only one who can make a move - not you.
You're doing good stuff. You really are doing a good job in all of this.
It’s totally ok Yail. It’s hard to keep track of everyone’s sitch on this forum. No he has never said the word D to me. I’ve said it after a lot of the back and forth. What he says to me is he wants out of the M but isn’t ready for a D. See? That doesn’t make sense.
But the real hard truth is that he isn’t sure what he wants. That’s why he’s scared to let me go...because it’s obvious that he doesn’t trust his own judgement right now. He is scared to make the mistake of letting me go and later regretting that. Which leads back to him being confused.
You’re right that I so badly want to be able to do something, anything, to pull him out of this. However, as hard as it is to accept...I’ve got to accept I just can’t.
You’re right only he can make the move to get himself off the island. As hard a pill it is to swallow, it’s true that those in MLC have to walk that journey on their own. As spouses of those in MLC we want so hard to help them because we love them. Also because they have totally blown up our lives. I have to accept that he has to work his way through MLC on his own. And I must let the chips fall where they may.
I’m sure there are some on this forum who feel that I waver back and forth. However, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. And I’ve given birth to 3 children without drugs.
Originally Posted by Living
I’ve internalized many things he has said to me when the vets say believe half of what they say.
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I'd say this is your #1 focus of personal change right now. Go back in the forum and find some readings where the MLC spouse has said some truly bonkers stuff, but later admits that feeling changed. See it from their perspective.
Will do! Thank you so much Yail. Thank you to all those on here who have offered advice on my sitch. I truly appreciate it.
Last edited by Living; 02/13/1901:48 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I believe you are doing a great job at this. I don't believe you are out of the woods. I hear piecing is even harder than putting the breaks on the D. Lots of work for you to still do.
I believe you can save your M. You are still running a marathon. At some point the strategy and tactics for you change. Only you know when that is.
I do not remember which book I read, but one of steps in the process was called "Together at last". I hope you make it there.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I believe you are doing a great job at this. I don't believe you are out of the woods. I hear piecing is even harder than putting the breaks on the D. Lots of work for you to still do.
I believe you can save your M. You are still running a marathon. At some point the strategy and tactics for you change. Only you know when that is.
I do not remember which book I read, but one of steps in the process was called "Together at last". I hope you make it there.
Thank you so much Ready2Change, you have helped me a lot with my sitch. I agree that we aren’t close to being out of the woods. I need to stop obsessing over things and just accept it for what it currently is.
I’ve been re-reading a lot of info on MLC today and one things clear, every mlcer’s journey isn’t the same. They all sort of seem to use the same lines and my H is pretty textbook when it comes to MLC. It’s crazy I read articles about those going through MLC and the things that they do and say. I’m always like...YES, YES, YES. Like yes that’s exactly what I’m going through. It truly blows my mind.
This is quite a ride my friend. Unlike anything I’ve ever endured. Only time will tell if my M can be saved. For now I’m just enjoying the peace and quiet. I feel a lot less streased today and that is a good feeling.
Thanks again my friend!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Sounds like you have made some good progress for yourself the past little while. Great job! Stay strong and keep your head up!
This is a very hard thing to do. I have only been at this for 3 months. You have been at it 16 months. Others have been at it for many years. It truly is a marathon, we will all help each other get to the finish line.
No two circumstances are the same, but they all have similar components. I went back and read your sitch; I am a 20+ year military guy still on active duty so I certainly have an idea how difficult life has been for you and your family! Everyone says retirement is the good life, and perhaps it is, but it can certainly trigger a sense of loss in those who have known nothing else for 20+ years. It is something I have become much more conscious of lately, as I approach retirement from the service. It is in no way an excuse for his behavior, just as my W doesn't have any excuses for her behavior. Thanks for your service, the spouse at home serves just as much as the active duty member...Keep on keep in' on friend!
LB
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Sounds like you have made some good progress for yourself the past little while. Great job! Stay strong and keep your head up!
This is a very hard thing to do. I have only been at this for 3 months. You have been at it 16 months. Others have been at it for many years. It truly is a marathon, we will all help each other get to the finish line.
No two circumstances are the same, but they all have similar components. I went back and read your sitch; I am a 20+ year military guy still on active duty so I certainly have an idea how difficult life has been for you and your family! Everyone says retirement is the good life, and perhaps it is, but it can certainly trigger a sense of loss in those who have known nothing else for 20+ years. It is something I have become much more conscious of lately, as I approach retirement from the service. It is in no way an excuse for his behavior, just as my W doesn't have any excuses for her behavior. Thanks for your service, the spouse at home serves just as much as the active duty member...Keep on keep in' on friend!
LB
LB55, thank you for your encouragement. I just have to learn to take this thing one day at a time. I’m so sorry you’re here. I’m sorry we are all here but I’m thankful for this forum. If nothing else, it helps to know that we aren’t the only ones going through this. When I first came to this forum, I was shocked at how many people were going through this mess with their spouses. It may be wrong with me to say (so I hope no one takes offense) but I was in utter disbelief of how many women were WAW or WW. It’s nuts to me.
Thank you so much for your insight on being in the military. I know that for my H he loved it. It was his only plan he had for his life. And when he retired he was still so young with a lot of life to live. He felt like that was his purpose and then it was over. Working in the civilian world after 20+ years in the military has taken a toll on him. It’s just not the same for him. And I sympathize with him. He just needs to find a new purpose and reason. I think if he does that, no matter if we make it or not, he will feel better about life.
After reading about MLC, I now know there were a lot of things that created the perfect storm for a MLC to hit my H. It hit him and it’s hit him hard. It’s truly like he’s been abducted by aliens.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. All I do know is that I hope someday he finds his purpose and that inner peace called happiness. I want the best for him and if that’s not me...he needs to go find what is.
And thank you for your service! The sacrifice you all make for our country should never go unnoticed!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I woke up to beautiful flowers, candy, and a card.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Another day one step closer. No sudden movements, be sure to not scare the squirrel away.
I’m not making a big spectacle out of it. I called and thanked him and he said I deserved it.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I woke up to beautiful flowers, candy, and a card.
Handwritten card? Did it say the right things?
I keep going back to the "reward good behavior". Did H go above and beyond? Or is he going through the motions? How do you both get that "Feeling" back? Is he filling your "Love language buckets"? If so, are you filling his?
Anyway, glad he is showing some type of positive actions. Others here are not so lucky. Count your blessings.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I woke up to beautiful flowers, candy, and a card.
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Handwritten card? Did it say the right things?
It wasn’t a hand written card. The card was sweet. It basically said - I love you and I always will. Thank you for being my partner and standing by my side. Along those lines. Those were the Hallmark words. He signed it that he still loves me and he always will.
He also sent me a text message this morning saying wishing me a happy valentine’s day.
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I keep going back to the "reward good behavior". Did H go above and beyond? Or is he going through the motions?
How do you both get that "Feeling" back? Is he filling your "Love language buckets"? If so, are you filling his?
I don’t think I would count this as going above and beyond. I don’t know, maybe it is for him. I do appreciate the gesture and called him and thanked him. I do think it was sweet and I wanted him to know that. I think it’s fair to say at least he’s trying in some form because he didn’t have to give me anything.
I’m not sure how we both get the feeling back. The feeling hasn’t left for me (although a lot has been done that’s stressful). My feelings are starting to change but they haven’t changed yet. I think the question is how does he get the feeling back or should I say stay. He’s said at BD that the feeling comes and goes.
I just ordered and received the book The 5 Love Languaes. I’m hoping to learn more about that topic from the book. I love him dearly but prior to BD he wasn’t filing my love tank and I obviously wasn’t filling his.
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Anyway, glad he is showing some type of positive actions. Others here are not so lucky. Count your blessings.
Yeah, I guess I can be thankful for what he’s done today.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
