The separation is for me, to really decide what I want to do in future. I won't impose any rules on the separation unless it's to protect myself, such as financials. No point even mentioning dating etc - she's already taken that step. Plus, as people have mentioned, its unenforceable.
I will ask the W to move out as soon as possible. Having her in laws here means that her life will not be very impacted, even if she doesn't have me. She will eat cake unless she moves out on her own. She's never lived by herself ever before so it'll be quite a wake up call I'd say - unless she moves in with OM.
Even then, he's a 25 yo uni student so I doubt his living conditions would be as nice as our home which we designed and built.
Even if she moves in with OM it will be a wake up call. You're putting all the pressure on some scumbag who more than likely is now getting in deeper than he ever intended. You remove yourself from the situation, and her negative feelings for you will be tested.
Don't let your feelings and fears stop you from doing what is right. Stay calm and in control at all times, it's very hard to do.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
W messaged me to try to convince me once again that there was nothing there and that they are just good friends.
There were a few back and forths with me basically saying that I didn't want to talk unless she was going to stop lying to me and disrespecting me.
She kind of apologised about the tickets and not telling me because she "didn't think it would help" but remains adamant that they are simply on the same flight and not staying together. Weak excuse.
No real remorse sensed in any of her messages - just all defences - "I would never cheat" "we're just good friends" "I started feeling this way before I even met him" etc etc.
Would she so readily throw away a 14 year old relationship for a platonic friendship?
Is she actually so naive to think that this guy had any other intentions going on this trip with her? And that she was inviting him along as a friend?
In my mind even if she hadn't done anything with the OM yet it was only going to be a matter of time. Better to find out now than afterwards.
Still, I can't help but feel a little doubt. It is SO out of character for the woman I married, but then I have to remind myself that she is no longer that woman.
I'm sure you've heard the "believe none of what she says" before. It still applies.
My advice would be that you stop having these conversations with her. It only make matters worse. Plus you have decided to separate. Who she flies where with, is none of your business anymore. I know you agreed not to see other people. Forget that agreement. It means nothing to her. WAS only agree to those terms to make you more cooperative and maybe to hinder YOU seing other people.
Time and patience. If she decides to come back to work on the M, you can adress it then.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
W messaged me to try to convince me once again that there was nothing there and that they are just good friends.
This is all script. They are more then just friends.
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
There were a few back and forths with me basically saying that I didn't want to talk unless she was going to stop lying to me and disrespecting me.
I would just ignore the texts.
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
She kind of apologised about the tickets and not telling me because she "didn't think it would help" but remains adamant that they are simply on the same flight and not staying together. Weak excuse.
All BS.
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
No real remorse sensed in any of her messages - just all defences - "I would never cheat" "we're just good friends" "I started feeling this way before I even met him" etc etc.
All script. The only thing she is remorseful about is she got caught.
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
Would she so readily throw away a 14 year old relationship for a platonic friendship?
NO!
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
Is she actually so naive to think that this guy had any other intentions going on this trip with her? And that she was inviting him along as a friend?
No she knows why she invited him along.
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
In my mind even if she hadn't done anything with the OM yet it was only going to be a matter of time. Better to find out now than afterwards.
K, I hate to break it to you but a trip together is not likely going to be their first time together. You don't take someone on a trip on the first date. It's a progression.
Originally Posted by Kwandoku
Still, I can't help but feel a little doubt. It is SO out of character for the woman I married, but then I have to remind myself that she is no longer that woman.
It's normal to have doubt. The signs are very clear. I am sorry.
It’s a lot to let sink in. You will most likely want to do something to “test” how real it is and see if you can talk some sense into her. These are normal thoughts and reactions. They won’t do any good. No pursuit.
Have you figured out what you want to do without the flare up of emotions?
Be strong here. Let your emotions flow through and out and make decisions when you are sound.
DB. Keep posting.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I guess it's so confusing and hard because the old W I knew would never in a million years do something like this. But as Sandi said in her posts, she became a completely different person when she was in the fog.
I still don't think I'm in the right headspace yet to decide what I want to do. I haven't seen her in person since Saturday when she moved into the spare room.
I know it's not going to do any good contacting this other man, because I know who he is, but man, it's really hard some days. I have to remind myself that he is not the cause and just a symptom. But still, what a vulture going after vulnerable married women.
When I got BD, I told W I wished she would have been vulnerable to me, to have been open and honest enough. I know you mean vulnerable in the other sense but I hope you see what I mean. Your W was vulnerable to open enough to him on an intimate level and this hurts. I know it does. Many of us struggle with this part of it. We know this is so important to them and to lose that is one of the hardest things to deal with. If it was just sex, I bet it would be different... no but it’s not, it’s so much more. It’s the lying and covering up for him, planning the trip for him, lying to her loved one of umpteenth years for him. It’s painful. We’ve been there and many of us are still dealing with it. I want you to know it will get better.
You may want to confront him but you know she is not the innocent, vulnerable victim. She knows what she is doing. I don’t want to rehash what Sandi describes as the WW behavior. I’m sure you read it by now.
I can imagine these spikes of emotions. Whatever you do, don’t become impulsive and react. Gather yourself and read other people’s sitches to see how things played out so you can get a jump start on what to do or not do.
If you confront the other guy you are putting yourself in the middle and it makes you the bad guy. If something were to happen between them , she would not see you as the savior but as the reason why she is not happy. You can’t win, not like that. But you can let her deal with her loss. You win by moving on and not letting them dictate how you feel. I promise it will get better. We can guarantee you that.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
