A familiar story with questions NINE

[RR17]

Nothing on the home yet.

Knowing my wife, the more emotional I attach to sex the worse it will be received.

I hear what you're saying. But suggesting any kind of therapist is the equivalent to saying. "Let's go fix what is wrong with you." A big mistake IMO.
Besides, I don't think she really needs one. I think she is using this as a hold-back until she gets all she wants. I'm not sure she even knows what that is. The way back to a healthy intimate relationship is something I think she is waiting to happen. In the meantime, she likes the results in the other parts of the R.

Of course, this is just my opinion.

I've thought about just sending a text saying "I dreamt we had sex last night." I know it sounds lame and yes I picked "sex over "made love" intentionally for reasons explained above. Just to see the response.

[AnotherStander]

It's a tough call. I've never gone without sex in my M (until after S) or in any relationship before or after the M, and I attribute a lot of that to asking for what I want. I can't remember which book they discuss that in, NMMNG maybe? But when I read it I just thought "yeah I've never had a problem with that!" Not that I'm pushy about it, I just make my desires clear and if it works out then great, if not I don't get all passive/aggressive about it but rather just talk about "why" and discuss other possible options or setting a different day. I don't just drop it like a bomb though, I'm always making sexy comments with my wife/girlfriend- telling them what I find sexy about them, talking about what I'd like to do right now even though I'm at work, asking them what they are thinking about, what I'd like to see them wearing, stuff like that. And sending pics back and forth. Right now on my phone I have... let me check... wow 684 not-safe-for-work pics of my girlfriend in a hidden folder. Why? Because we are always engaging in romantic, sexy discussions, especially when we're not around each other for a while. It keeps things spicy. I think the problem with getting stuck in a sexless situation is it becomes the "norm" and then it becomes very difficult to break out of that rut.

I wouldn't go the "dream" angle, sounds too passive to me. Just tell her what you want. If you want sex then tell her. If she says she's not ready then try not to act like a puppy dog that didn't get a treat for begging, just ask her what her issues are with it and what you can do to alleviate that. Pick the right time though, maybe over a nice dinner.

[RR17]

I wouldn't go the "dream" angle, sounds too passive to me. Just tell her what you want. If you want sex then tell her. If she says she's not ready then try not to act like a puppy dog that didn't get a treat for begging, just ask her what her issues are with it and what you can do to alleviate that. Pick the right time though, maybe over a nice dinner.

AnotherStander, I know you follow a lot of threads. So it's hard to remember everyone sitch.

I've never had a problem with being direct, nor pouting about the outcome, and bac,k in my threads I shared the results of just telling her what I want.
Glad your R is hot and steamy. Sounds like you take the credit.

I've also explained that this is not about just getting my W in the sack.

[AnotherStander]

I've never had a problem with being direct, nor pouting about the outcome, and bac,k in my threads I shared the results of just telling her what I want.

Sounds like you took offense to me calling you out on that. Ask yourself why that offends you. You say you are direct but then you want to tell her you had a dream about having sex with her, which is very indirect and in fact not even true. So you want to lie to her to... what? What is it you're hoping to accomplish? You're going about it the wrong way.

Glad your R is hot and steamy. Sounds like you take the credit. whistle

So you think I'm boasting? I'm just trying to help you friend. This is an area that you are struggling with and I've never had a problem with, but you can take or leave the advice, that's up to you.

You might look into Michele's "The Sex-Starved Marriage" book, it could probably help you with your sitch.

[RR17]

No offense. You read a lot into other's words. Like I said, if you read back you will understand why.

Again, it's not about the sex. Read back if you really want to help.

[RR17]

Sounds like you took offense to me calling you out on that. Ask yourself why that offends you. You say you are direct but then you want to tell her you had a dream about having sex with her, which is very indirect and in fact not even true. So you want to lie to her to... what? What is it you're hoping to accomplish? You're going about it the wrong way.

No offense take. I was merely trying to correct your assumption. I want to be understood, not misunderstood. So no offense. In the event that you really want to know what I am doing. Allow me to explain.

I've thought about just sending a text saying "I dreamt we had sex last night." I know it sounds lame and yes I picked "sex over "made love" intentionally for reasons explained above. Just to see the response.

First, I said I thought about it. Not that I did it or that I planned to do it. My gosh, slow down and try to understand buddy.
The thought behind it at the time was instead of a touch-charge that I would do the equivalent via text.
One thing you said did stand out. You are right, it is a lie and that's not my style. So I will not do that unless I do have that dream.
I brought it here to get feedback. That's why most of us bring stuff here before we do it.

So you think I'm boasting? I'm just trying to help you friend. This is an area that you are struggling with and I've never had a problem with, but you can take or leave the advice, that's up to you.

Did you see the emoji at the end of my statement? I was teasing you. You seemed to feel the need to expand and I felt you deserved it. Just kidding. All in fun.

I hope this is taken the right way. I know you want to help and I appreciate it. But we must all try to understand we don't all suffer NGS. Sometimes questions or reading back is necessary to understand why we do or even consider doing what we do.

[neffer]

You both have your own rhythm. Let see when those paths overlap.

Any chance to get W into MC again? Do some tree shaking

Sorry for not joining as usual. Still into the summer here: lot of work.

Take care of your family and take care of yourself my friend.

[RR17]

Thanks, Nefer.

It can be frustrating when I feel misunderstood. Nobody likes to be miss-accused. Sometimes the shoe doesn't fit.

No, W hated MC. Too much communication. Remember the story about finding her journal?

I believe the problem is that so much is good in the relationship now. Obviously, this is my take. I also believe that if and when we end up in bed together, it will be because of my actions. Almost like 2 platonic friends that just happen to fall into bed together. No real romantic feelings. Not consciously, at least.
This is how it happened the 1st time for us 25 years ago.

Does my W need therapy? Probably, who knows? I think it has more to do with emotional availability than sex itself. For 19 years we engaged 6-9 times a month. I can't think of a time she didn't climax, usually more than once. Yes, I believe they were real. We've discussed it and there are times she went for a second or third and couldn't find it. If she were lying to get it over with she wouldn't say "It isn't there, you just go." TMI
This emotional availability is something I benefited from for years. I now see the problems with it and realize it has its price.

[RR17]

Happy VD all you DBers. Remember to not to act like it means anything to you. lol

[neffer]

How did you go with VD RR?