13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Thanks for the input and advice. Its really nice to get some outside perspective on things.

Basically I have been spinning the last couple of days, and I don't really know why, but I feel alright again, and have had a great weekend with the kids.

I have told my self throughout all of this, that the kids are the most important, and I am neglecting this, with petty behavior such as ignoring requests related to the kids, so that just stops now - not because I want something in return, but because she is indeed their mother.

I responded before the feedback with "S2 and D5 are sleeping. They had a great day."

I see how my access to "intel" actually keeps me attached, and I am just not gonna go there anymore.

So, kids are ready for bed, im watching a movie tonight, then early bed. Workout tomorrow and then a hectic week at work but I get to come home every day and enjoy my afternoon and evening with the kids, so its gonna be a wonderful weekend.

Thanks again for the 2x4s and the advice, I need to be consistent, because I am absolutely leading her on to believing that things are jolly, and then I ignore her because of my covert contracts - 180 on that beginning today.

Have a great evening.

[DejaVu6]

Hurt... I think you are spinning because you know too much about what she is doing so it is a good thing that you are going to curtail the access to info. Enjoy the movie. Tomorrow is another opportunity to get back to DBing. Make this a great week with your kids!!! (((HUGS)))

[Hurt213]

Quick update.


Hi awesome community.

So quick update here from the couch before I head out for a pint with my mates.

I decided to call total quits on intel of any sort, and this has been tremendously helpful mentally. I really struggled the first day, but just told myself what a bad habit I had developed, and it was like an addiction really if I struggled to not do it, so I ended my addiction, and wow.

I am happy right now - my sister is here to take the kids for the evening, and I just have a lot of good energy flowing right now (not that I am spiritual in any way - but I feel good).

Just wanted to check in.

Taking life one day at a time, step by step, and I am liking my path.

Have a great night

[SoTorn]

Thats good. Its great for your emotional well being. I know my WW is still screwing OM. I just dont care anymore. Helped me drop the rope tremendously.

[Hurt213]

Hi forum.

So I stumbled upon a line today, that really made me think, holy cow, this makes sense. It doesnt apply to all of the sitches, but for some of us, it clarifies some patterns we engage in our minds when we are crosschecked by the marriage breakers aka ww's.

I dont recall it word by word and unfortunately I don't recall the webpage from where I stumbled upon it, but it goes something like this..

"When my kids were younger, and their rooms were a big mess, I would ask them to clean up their clothes and toys - most of the time, they wouldn't acknowledge my request, and just left it be. I took the approach of taking one of their old toys from their toys shelf, typically a piece that they hadn't played with in years (a mcdonalds happy meals toy for example), something they know they have, but disregarded completely. Then I would take said toy, and I would let them know that it was going in the trash, since I was now cleaning up their mess. The thing was, that every time this happened, my kids would have big protests, and would declare that I was mean for having thrown that toy away, because it was the best toy in the world and by far their favorite toy".

When I read the above, I just figured - wow... well, that applies for me really, and it has A L O T to do with attachment.

I had my wife, I had my life, I got complacent, and she was my toy on the shelf. I am proud of who I am TODAY, not who I was, so I have no problems admitting, that she was my toy on the shelf, that was not "played" with, the way she deserved - and funny enough, when she left, then she was my favorite toy all of a sudden, the toy I couldn't live without, but at the same time, the toy that wasn't the new toy on the self a month prior to her saying "its not working anymore".

Does this mean I think im 100% to blame? absolutely not
Does it mean it justifies her cheating on me and using me? absolutely not.

Does this mean I am reflecting on myself and my past relationship in order to grow and be better aka finding my 180s? absolutely!

Does this mean I realize, that I made her fill up my every thought and made her the "toy" that I didn't need, until it was trashed, and then I couldn't play with any other toys? absolutely - and I am wiser now. Life will be great.

Take it for what it is - it made a lot sense for me, especially regarding being attached and why that might be that we feel so attached and unable to do anything right after the announcement, when in all honesty, we were perfectly able to when we had our wives /husbands on the "toy shelve".

[lusa]

That really resonates with me Hurt, thanks for sharing

[LH19]

H,

Every single one of us on this board could have been a better partner. It still blows my mind that out of all the useless courses they have in school/college that don't have anything to teach you how to be a better partner. Accept that you could have been better, learn from it and let it go.

What I think you should focus on with your ex is gaining respect from her. One thing that has always been obvious in your sitch is that she doesn't respect you. Once you can obtain respect, things will slowly change in the dynamic of your relationship.

Forward no more backwards.

[Hurt213]

LH,

You are absolutely right,

She has zero respect for me, whatsoever. As long as I dont interfere with her big plan she is very nice to me, but whenever things are not how she wants them to be, she reveals her true colors and that is a big sign of how little she thinks of me these days - I have seen it on more than one occasion over the past months, so you are absolutely right.

I need to regain respect, but I dont really know where to start, so for now, I am trying to be there for my kids, and find myself again, and then I will have to look into what to do specifically towards her later on.

My energy is devoted to a better me for my kids sake, and for my own as of now.

[LH19]

H,

I don't think there is any question that you are a great father.

Respect starts with how you allow others/her to treat you. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don't allow them to.

I would start with getting back to the basics. No contact unless about kids or finances. Answer only questions with yes or no answers. Then work on how she talks to you.

W: Hurt (with tone to her voice) "your'e doing it wrong"
H: W, please don't talk to me that way
W: what way?
H: in that tone
W: I'm not
H: please don't do it again (walk away)

You have to get over the fear that what you do or do not say will change anything!

[Hurt213]

Hi everybody.

Sitting here at work, and I am having a reflective quite moment for my self, so I realized, that I had not checked in on the forum for a while, so I wanted to update you guys.

I haven't made use of my "intel possibility" once since I said I would stop, and that might sound like I am trying to applaud my self, but honestly, it showed me that I was more attached than I thought, because I felt like an addict, having to control myself to not go and snoop. Present day, I dont have the urge, I just feel done.

Sunday my ex asked me to join her at seasonal celebration where the kids are dressed up, and they go to church. S2 is sick, so she wouldn't be able to attend with D5 if I didn't come, as nobody could help her out. I attended, and we had a good times with the kids. She thanked me after the service and said it had been a big help, and on I went to the golf course with 3 mates.

I dont have any expectations and I dont really have any reactions anymore - I just want my kids to thrive, and thats it. I dont have any emotions in me, that says to wait out for my ex, on the contrary, I am happy with the way my life is headed.

I've come to the conclusion, that I am going to be fine, and so are my kids - I have endured so much pain and so many things were done to me, that was so very wrong and immature. I dont think I can swing back from that, so I have decided to drop the rope completely, and that has really made me find a balance. I have been sorting out all my personal things, and basically now, I am just waiting for the house to sell, everything else is sorted.

I dont hate my ex, because I was partially to blame in this. Of course I was, it takes two to tango. But I will never forget how she did this to me, to our family and how much it completely destroyed me for more than 6 months. That I will never forget.

I will however forgive, and have, moved on, because I need to, because I deserve to. I dont want her back, I actually pitty her, when I look at her. She looks so "used", tired, old, and her "spark" that I loved, is just gone. I hope she finds it for her own sake.

I feel really good about my self as stated, and I want to get that house sold ASAP, so I can start my new life with my kids. My days, when I dont have the kids are PACKED, I am out the door at 6.30 and rarely home before 21.00, and I love it. I have a new found energy that amazes me, and my depression as well as the person I became with it, is a distant memory.

I let go of the rope, and I am falling, but I have a parachute on my back, filled with advice from all you guys, and my life is on a epic track.

Thank you all so much.

I will check in from time to time, when there is something to report, but frankly, I dont have any expectations, that me and my old life, will ever be a thing again, and... That is perfectly fine - I deserve more, and she is out there, waiting for me to cross her path.

You are all awesome, and I can't express my gratitude for what you have all done for me.
I have battled, depression, anxiety, a new me, letting go and so much more, with you all, and thats worth so incredible much. I wouldn't had been this person today without this forum.