However at this point I told her that I wouldn't entertain the question while she was still seeing someone else, and that I would need her to recognize what she had done. I also told her that I needed to be with someone who wanted to be with me, and that she still seemed like she didn't know what she wanted. She admitted that that was the case.
There was a lot more said, but for me it became clearer than ever that I truly was in control of the situation because I had put in the hard work of growing and learning to love myself. I no longer needed her.
YES!!!!! It warms my heart when I read posts like this where the formerly sad/ weak/ damaged LBS suddenly finds their inner strength again and regains the control in their life. WELL DONE!
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My plan is the same - to move forward with the divorce and my life. She is so far behind me in working on herself that I have trouble imagining her ever catching up. I encouraged her to put in that work, because she is clearly in pain and not at peace with herself. But, like I told her, no one can do that work for her.
Maybe that is detachment. I dunno.
It is indeed detachment, but more importantly it's "dropping the rope". You will now win no matter whether your M is saved or not. Super proud of how far you've come!
what a nice update. You handle your interactions with her so well, and if she doesn't want you and only you, it seems like her asking about starting over with you isn't really serious anyways so you're line about not entertaining the thought was telling about your mental state.
Man I know last summer was tough on you, I know the LBS usually gets ahead in the growth stage, but you are a good example of how to do this DB thing. Good on you!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It is indeed detachment, but more importantly it's "dropping the rope". You will now win no matter whether your M is saved or not. Super proud of how far you've come!
Oh man, this is so true.
Well done ninja DBer!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thanks guys! (Where are my gals?) It is great to be able to put into practice the strategies that y'all have taught me. As many of you know, I was indeed in very bad shape last spring and summer. If there are any newbies out there reading, I was lost and heartbroken and didn't see how I could live without my W. It was only by putting into the practice the GAL, the 180s, distancing myself and limiting contact with W, and facing my fears and insecurities head-on (seeing an IC as well), that I was able to get to this point.
Even my W recognized my growth. Unprompted she told me that she admired me. When I asked her why, she said for my strength and for making the best out of this situation. It was surprising to hear from her, but I appreciated it.
I don't think that I am completely out of the woods by any means. I see myself like a recovering addict as I can see how easy it would be to slip back into bad patterns, or to slip up and let my W back into my life. Like a drug there is a pull, or an allure there (Neffer, I think you have talked about that in regards to the OW), and it is a question of keeping my focus on my future and to the life I want to have.
This weekend I have a date with the professor I have been seeing for the last three weeks. We have a great time together, and she brings an element of joy into my life. It is much healthier to focus my emotional energy and affection on her.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Those are big updates! It's kind of amazing that your wife said those things. Does she know you're dating? Maybe that's what made reality set in? Or the fact that you're driving the divorce forward... I always wish couples could reconcile but in your case I can see how an attempt at reconciling could end up creating more pain and turmoil for you. Right now you're on a positive trajectory and your wife's words are too late. It sounds like you're wise enough now to assess her level of sincerity and to detect her own lack of personal growth. It seems you've learned a lot and you're on the right track. The only thing to remember is that there are risks with your future partner as well, so what have you learned from this experience with your wife to make a better choice? That's a question I've been asking myself.
Thanks for the comments and questions! Your post made me think and question myself in a really good way.
Yeah. It always seems like nothing happens forever, and then everything happens all at once. Between the dating getting more serious, the job search heating up, the anniversary and W's birthday, the finance and divorce talk and then the R talk it has been draining, and hard to stay centered. The weather around here hasn't helped as it has rained every day for a week straight. I get affected by the weather, to the point that earlier in my life I thought I had seasonal affective disorder and actually bought a sun lamp. Due to the rain (and cold) I haven't been able to ride my bike to work. Thankfully I have been able to keep up with the yoga and been out climbing 3 days this week. I know how important physical exertion is to my GAL.
In terms of my W, I don't know what she knows about my dating life, but I imagine it is very little if anything. I have not talked to her about it, nor have I talked very much at all with our common friends. They don't know that I am seeing anyone at all seriously, just that I am out there. I think her reaction is very much in reaction to my pushing for the D. She has not gone through the grieving process for the relationship like I have, and the finality of the MR which I grieved all summer and early fall, is hitting her hard. She does not want D, and is only willing to do it in order to give me the closure I need.
I don't know if it is a question of being too late. Right now I value myself enough that I know that I deserve to be someone's first choice, that I need someone who is willing and able to choose me. Love is an action and a choice, right? I don't know if the professor I am currently dating is the long term answer, but she wants to be with me and seems emotionally stable and capable of choosing me. My W is not there. She doesn't love herself right now, and can't choose me. Even she recognizes this. It's not a question of sincerity, she has never lacked sincerity, just clarity. She knows that she hasn't grown like I have. I have tried to help her along that path, but ultimately it is a road that she needs to take by herself. I would never rule out the possibility of reconciliation but it would require a) her growing b) her choosing me and not being with another c) me being available. I don't see that coming any time soon since she has so much growth she needs to do. And I'm not going to sit around and wait.
You raise an interesting point about how to avoid falling into the same problems with a future partner. First and foremost, I take a lot of responsibility for the failure of the MR. If I had been the person that I am now over the last two years of the MR I don't think that the MR would have deteriorated to the point it did. I didn't take responsibility for my own happiness, nor did I communicate well, and I had a lot of covert contracts. Those are things that I need to avoid on my own. Secondly, I think part of the problem is that my W was only 23 when we met, 25 when we married. She didn't know what she wanted from life or even who she was, and grew and changed so much over the intervening years. I am definitely now looking for a partner who is more mature and more sure of those things. The other thing to look for on my end is how a future partner views commitment. For me, I made a commitment to be with my W that I was willing to go through anything in order to make it work. My W views commitment in a different way. She sees no point in staying together if we aren't happy. I am willing to deal with unhappiness in order to find a way forward together. I think that I need to find a partner who looks at commitment more like I do. How to suss that out is an open question.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks for the comments and questions! Your post made me think and question myself in a really good way.
Yeah. It always seems like nothing happens forever, and then everything happens all at once. Between the dating getting more serious, the job search heating up, the anniversary and W's birthday, the finance and divorce talk and then the R talk it has been draining, and hard to stay centered. The weather around here hasn't helped as it has rained every day for a week straight. I get affected by the weather, to the point that earlier in my life I thought I had seasonal affective disorder and actually bought a sun lamp. Due to the rain (and cold) I haven't been able to ride my bike to work. Thankfully I have been able to keep up with the yoga and been out climbing 3 days this week. I know how important physical exertion is to my GAL.
In terms of my W, I don't know what she knows about my dating life, but I imagine it is very little if anything. I have not talked to her about it, nor have I talked very much at all with our common friends. They don't know that I am seeing anyone at all seriously, just that I am out there. I think her reaction is very much in reaction to my pushing for the D. She has not gone through the grieving process for the relationship like I have, and the finality of the MR which I grieved all summer and early fall, is hitting her hard. She does not want D, and is only willing to do it in order to give me the closure I need.
I don't know if it is a question of being too late. Right now I value myself enough that I know that I deserve to be someone's first choice, that I need someone who is willing and able to choose me. Love is an action and a choice, right? I don't know if the professor I am currently dating is the long term answer, but she wants to be with me and seems emotionally stable and capable of choosing me. My W is not there. She doesn't love herself right now, and can't choose me. Even she recognizes this. It's not a question of sincerity, she has never lacked sincerity, just clarity. She knows that she hasn't grown like I have. I have tried to help her along that path, but ultimately it is a road that she needs to take by herself. I would never rule out the possibility of reconciliation but it would require a) her growing b) her choosing me and not being with another c) me being available. I don't see that coming any time soon since she has so much growth she needs to do. And I'm not going to sit around and wait.
You raise an interesting point about how to avoid falling into the same problems with a future partner. First and foremost, I take a lot of responsibility for the failure of the MR. If I had been the person that I am now over the last two years of the MR I don't think that the MR would have deteriorated to the point it did. I didn't take responsibility for my own happiness, nor did I communicate well, and I had a lot of covert contracts. Those are things that I need to avoid on my own. Secondly, I think part of the problem is that my W was only 23 when we met, 25 when we married. She didn't know what she wanted from life or even who she was, and grew and changed so much over the intervening years. I am definitely now looking for a partner who is more mature and more sure of those things. The other thing to look for on my end is how a future partner views commitment. For me, I made a commitment to be with my W that I was willing to go through anything in order to make it work. My W views commitment in a different way. She sees no point in staying together if we aren't happy. I am willing to deal with unhappiness in order to find a way forward together. I think that I need to find a partner who looks at commitment more like I do. How to suss that out is an open question.
I think thats a great thing to be asking for is a true commitment not to give up . I thought my wife was like that though thats the thing. Things change. It could be attchment styles . Some people just dont attach as much and can just walk away easier. I am with you also on I recognize my shortcomings in the m that may have helped her to feel this way and will correct them moving forward. I believe she could have communicated with me and tried to work things out before just giving up . I stood behind her through some extremely rough times and even though i may have been miserable I didn't give up or walk away from our marriage. She was my wife I stood with her till she worked through the loss of her mother , and other things in life.
I agree, (about willing to be unhappy for a short while to sort things through and being happy again together on the other side). I wish more people viewed difficult situations in this way. And I too thought my husband was on the same page as me when it came to that. I guess the truth it you don't really know until they're tested. People do change their mind about what commitment means to them. Things happen and they just can't be as strong as you think they might be or want them to be.
I remember when my wife hated her job wasnt good at etc and it was what she thought was her career for life. She was still struggling daily with the loss of her mom although it had been years. She would come home and lock herself in the bedroom for the rest of the night . I felt like I didnt have a wife. This was probably 7 years ago maybe. It lasted probably a year or so till we moved home. We were living 1000 miles away from family. Anyway it was very hard for me to go through with her but I sure the heck didnt give up on her and walk away . I wasn't happy or in a good place but i dididnt give up i stuck it out. Like i said somewhere I often do wonder what if it was me that had the feelings she has now and I wanted out ? I Can sit here and say i'd never do that but maybe thats not true? Maybe it could happen with me.
