Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

So I came home today from work. It was a pretty rough day, previously I'd let these kind of days get to me, but not today. Was in an overall good mood. Put on some music, took a shower. Kept the music going and started cooking dinner. I was jamming out while cooking and just overall enjoying myself. The W came out of the guest room after about 20 mins of me being in the kitchen and just gives me this look and smiles. Then she seen a snickers that was laying on the counter, I had stopped by the store on the way home and only bought it because I had to pull out some cash. She smiled even more and I told her she could have it. (It's that time of the month and she loves her chocolate, but I didn't buy it with the intention of giving it to her)

Sat down at dinner and had a pleasant conversation. I was listening closely to her and showing her that I was really into what she was saying. I had also apologized for my behavior the other night with the plate situation as that was overboard and completely unnecessary on my part. She then got ready for work and loaded up the car for her trip to her cousins since she will be leaving right after work. I'll have the house to myself and the dogs the next 3 days.

[Mowgli]

Way to let the situation not weight you down. I'm glad you're staying upbeat. I had to play "fake it till you make it" for a long time before I finally detached.

Key word there is DETACH. You do things for you. If she wants to join you, that's up to her.

Yes, the plate things was petty, but please try to limit your apologies to her because it puts you back in a negative light.

Women operate almost entirely on emotion, and so when you apologize, you are actually putting a stamp on a behavior you see as negative, but you have validated her reaction now by essentially telling her that she was right to be upset with you.

Read up on validating. One of the big things you'll get out of it is that we don't validate by apologizing or saying "I'm sorry," we do it by relaying an understanding to the emotions that they are having.

phrases such as "that seems really frustrating," or "I get why you would feel like that" take the focus off of your actions and put them on WW's emotions.

If she's gone for a few day, you have some time to do some reading. The sooner you start to understand Detaching and Validation, the faster your interactions with her will become positive. Also do some reading about toxic relationships as it might help you to get detached a bit sooner.

Honestly, though, even though I mentioned your interactions with WW first, your focus NEEDS to be on you and becoming the man you want to be.

What are your goals and what are you doing to reach them?

If it's getting in better shape physically and mentally, I'd suggest lifting and reading as much as time will allow.

Focus on you because she may or may not come back. Your goal should be to become the best possible version of yourself so that you know that you're living your best life whether she's in it or not.

[mikeyb]

Way to let the situation not weight you down. I'm glad you're staying upbeat. I had to play "fake it till you make it" for a long time before I finally detached.

Key word there is DETACH. You do things for you. If she wants to join you, that's up to her.

Yes, the plate things was petty, but please try to limit your apologies to her because it puts you back in a negative light.

Women operate almost entirely on emotion, and so when you apologize, you are actually putting a stamp on a behavior you see as negative, but you have validated her reaction now by essentially telling her that she was right to be upset with you.

Read up on validating. One of the big things you'll get out of it is that we don't validate by apologizing or saying "I'm sorry," we do it by relaying an understanding to the emotions that they are having.

phrases such as "that seems really frustrating," or "I get why you would feel like that" take the focus off of your actions and put them on WW's emotions.

If she's gone for a few day, you have some time to do some reading. The sooner you start to understand Detaching and Validation, the faster your interactions with her will become positive. Also do some reading about toxic relationships as it might help you to get detached a bit sooner.

Honestly, though, even though I mentioned your interactions with WW first, your focus NEEDS to be on you and becoming the man you want to be.

What are your goals and what are you doing to reach them?

If it's getting in better shape physically and mentally, I'd suggest lifting and reading as much as time will allow.

Focus on you because she may or may not come back. Your goal should be to become the best possible version of yourself so that you know that you're living your best life whether she's in it or not.

So I know that the things I do are for me. If I go to do something should I throw an invite out, or just leave it be unless she asks to come along?

And I think I am getting a better idea on validation methods.

Thanks for the reading suggestions, I will try to do as much as I can before she returns but I also have a pretty busy plate with GAL plans this weekend.

Main goal is to get myself in a much better mental state, as stated in my first post I've been stressed and depressed for quite some time, due to many reasons, some were posted already, but i big reason is that I have my own insecurities that are unfortunately something I can't get through easily.

My teeth are not in good shape, they've been this way since my teens. My child hood wasn't the greatest so necessary procedures to correct and prevent what I'm dealing with now couldn't be done and weren't approved my medicaid. I've been trying to get the work done now for 3 years but every time has been a let down. (first time was quoted $19K, second time $3,500 everything done, traveled 3 states north to get it done, to be told they couldn't do it due to my sinus cavities) Around October when I was really trying to turn things around I was going to the dentist to go over options. I was quoted over $6k (after insurance) to get the necessary work done, which obviously I don't have the money for right now. I feel bad about myself because of it, and basically started letting myself go. Not getting hair cuts, letting my beard just go all wild, and just overall not taking very good care of myself. These last few weeks I have been really trying to focus on making myself feel better about myself. I've been shaving almost daily, getting regular haircuts, and just in general trying to make my self look the best I can given the circumstances. It has helped some.

That's one of the best thing qualities about my W, she has always looked at me beyond my teeth issue and more of who I am (or was) as a person, knowing that it is something that bothers me a lot.

[Mowgli]

Glad you are thinking about things..

I was massively depressed before BD for about three years.

I had dropped over 60lbs and was down to 168 and in the best shape since I stopped playing college ball. I got my dream job, and we bought our first home. I think I just accomplished so much in the two years before that that I kind of felt like I deserved a break...

Then I started really losing a lot of hair and that mad me really depressed... then the weight started to creep back...and the negging at home...and the demands at work plus two little one under 5 and I just kind of was walking through this fog until the BD snapped me out of it.

What I'll say about goals like hygiene and just general self care is that you are doing it right. you have to make it part of a routine. Looking good makes us feel good, so do it every day and you'll feel better every day

About your teeth:

If the quote is something set in stone, do they have payment options you could take advantage of? short-term loan? is it something you could budget for and get it done in a few months?

I just spent $3K on my 6yo's mouth. IT drives me nuts to pay that much on work for teeth that are just going to fall out anyways, but it had to be done.

Keep going to the gym, keep reading, and keep yourself looking good, man! Hope this weekend give you time to process exactly what you want from your life and what you deserve in all your relationships!

[mikeyb]

Glad you are thinking about things..

I was massively depressed before BD for about three years.

I had dropped over 60lbs and was down to 168 and in the best shape since I stopped playing college ball. I got my dream job, and we bought our first home. I think I just accomplished so much in the two years before that that I kind of felt like I deserved a break...

Then I started really losing a lot of hair and that mad me really depressed... then the weight started to creep back...and the negging at home...and the demands at work plus two little one under 5 and I just kind of was walking through this fog until the BD snapped me out of it.

What I'll say about goals like hygiene and just general self care is that you are doing it right. you have to make it part of a routine. Looking good makes us feel good, so do it every day and you'll feel better every day

About your teeth:

If the quote is something set in stone, do they have payment options you could take advantage of? short-term loan? is it something you could budget for and get it done in a few months?

I just spent $3K on my 6yo's mouth. IT drives me nuts to pay that much on work for teeth that are just going to fall out anyways, but it had to be done.

Keep going to the gym, keep reading, and keep yourself looking good, man! Hope this weekend give you time to process exactly what you want from your life and what you deserve in all your relationships!

Unable to get approved for a loan at the moment due to the state of my credit from my financials. I am working on fixing that, but it takes time. Budget is extremely tight at the moment but could be something that can be added in soon.

As for the time to myself, I went to a concert with my mom yesterday and it was in a town I hadn't been to in about 2 1/2 years. It also was the town where I met my wife so it was kinda hard driving through town and had a lot of memories flash back to me. Once I got to the concert though I enjoyed myself and didn't let it weigh me down.

Then I get home around 11:30 and the wife called me to tell me she was heading home, we stayed on the phone for about 2 hours. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time we had talked for that long was. It probably would have continued but I cut it off and went to bed as I had to get up early today.

And now I'm about to head out to Busch gardens and enjoy my day with some friends.

[ovrrnbw]

Oh man I just checked the weather down in Tampa, you're in for a great day. Still grey and cold up here. I enjoy Florida quite a bit, very diverse land and water there.

Stick to your financial plan, repair your credit, become the man you know you can be and you will get those teeth fixed, you will push through this situation with your W, and you will be stronger and happier than ever.

[Mowgli]

On the inviting part:

If she asks you, yeah, I see no reason to say "no, you can't come," but you don't want to be offering up a bunch of details about where you're going and with whom. You are trying to be "aloof" here and you want to make her think about what you may be doing.

The key here is to actually DO things, not just leave to go mope somewhere else. The gym, Concerts, out for drinks/dinner with friends, hobbies you've let slide that made you happy and you'd like to pick up again.

The focus needs to be on you and improving you. If she like what you're showing out, you've left the door open for her to return, and if that happens, I'll start providing different advice. Right now, though, it's all you, Mikey!

[mikeyb]

Oh man I just checked the weather down in Tampa, you're in for a great day. Still grey and cold up here. I enjoy Florida quite a bit, very diverse land and water there.

Stick to your financial plan, repair your credit, become the man you know you can be and you will get those teeth fixed, you will push through this situation with your W, and you will be stronger and happier than ever.

Yes it was a absolutely gorgeous day! Had shorts and a t-shirt on, enjoyed the sun. Ride some coasters, ate some food, now I'm at my buddies house. We went to Busch gardens for his daughter bday, now he's having a party for her. Overall it was a great day! Gonna get up early tomorrow and play mechanic haha, should be fun just hanging out in general.

[mikeyb]

It's been a few days since I posted, so here's the latest:

GAL has been pretty good, still finding myself somewhat in pursuit. Really trying to back away from that.

Wife wanted to talk about the D one day, I told her "I understand this is what you want, and I won't stand in your way, but it is not what I want and I will not talk about it"

To which she responding, "I want us to work together on this" and this is where my pursuit came in place "I responded so you want us to work together on D, but not the root problem" ***FACEPALM***

So ya, not much more has happened since, I was scheduled to have V-Day off and today as well but cancelled those plans and instead went to work. The W texted me V-Day morning when she got home from work saying "I thought you had the day off" to which I responded "I did, but I cancelled it"

Decided to instead take next Tues & Wens off since Tues is my bday.

More on V-Day, I came home later than normal, hung around work to talk to some night shift guys I hadn't talked to in a few months. The W calls me wanting to know what I had planned for dinner. Told her there is a frozen dinner in the freezer I will make that. End of call. I then get home fire up the oven, hopped in the shower then threw the food in. Then went into my room and started watching some Netflix. The W was cleaning when I came home and came into the MBR to get some of her clothes that were in my basket, I told her I needed some money to put gas in the car, I had driven the truck last week which ate threw my budget for the 2 weeks. She threw a fit, sad no She had plans to go to her moms today and said I'm going tonight then.....Ok. I got a hold of my parents and they helped me out with some gas money. So I went and put gas in the car, came back and ate dinner in the MBR, the W comes in and tells me she's going to take a shower (She's been using the shower in the MBR). I said ok, then she disappears for about an hour. I get myself ready for bed, and lay down watching TV. She finally comes in to take a shower. When she got out, she stood there by the door giving me a all sexy look. I said "What?" she responds with "You know what and bites her lip" I think you guys can see where this led to..... then we took another shower and she said get some sleep and went to the guest room. And that was that....

[ovrrnbw]

Mikey,

read some of R2C's stuff. His posts are gold.

"I want us both to be happy".

"I see many solutions to our problems, but if this what will make you happy then I will give it to you."

"I'll need to think about that."

"Send your proposal to me and I'll have my lawyer review it".

When your W wants to talk about the divorce stuff, just tell her to let her know when she has a proposal and youll let your lawyer review it. That way you aren't shying away, but there's not too much convo.

Whatever happens, don't take the sex thing as any big sign. She probably is doing it to keep your attached to her. My W did that and I was all over the bait a year ago. Now everytime we have sex the thought of it being meaningless, passionless, or our last time is ever present. It makes me not want to have sex at all. There's been lots of discussion about the LBS having sex with the WAS. Usually it's not good IMO, b/c the LBS creates hopes and expectations that are working against him/her. I don't think it's advisable to have that casual sex.