A nurse friend of mine and my W, who was on Mat Leave the same time as my wife, believes that there was some postpartum depression that wasn't addressed. Basically, my wife sheltered herself during Mat Leave rarely taking our son out for walks or to meet other mom groups. Probably spent 95% of her time indoors, sleeping when he slept, and doing nothing else around the house. Most of the time was SPring/Summer too so it was nice out. She has since said that she's felt caged for 2 years.
Also, with her dad's lung cancer, now spread to the brain, our nurse friend thinks she could still be suffering from postpartum or now she's just depressed.
My W still refuses to get help, but our friend suggested I talk to our family doctor about postpartum and she might be able to schedule a visit with Chantel for something else, and then ask some targeted questions about her time with our son.
Any thoughts on how this may or may not change how I deal with this?
Yes. Do nothing. The last thing you want to do right now is tell her you think she has mental issues and needs help. She fired you as H and you are the last person in the world she will take advice from right now. She'll just see it as you refusing to own your issues and instead heaping them all on her "mental problems". Don't do it, it will not go over well.
The only exception to this is if you feel she is in imminent harm to herself, as in she is suicidal and might act on it. In that case you would want to call a suicide hotline and ask advice. But don't try to intervene with her directly, if she's suicidal then you will need to work through doctors and/ or her family to get help for her. To be clear it will NOT help your situation and will probably make it worse because she will blame you for "meddling". So it's really a last resort only to be exercised if you think there is danger.
A nurse friend of mine and my W, who was on Mat Leave the same time as my wife, believes that there was some postpartum depression that wasn't addressed. Basically, my wife sheltered herself during Mat Leave rarely taking our son out for walks or to meet other mom groups. Probably spent 95% of her time indoors, sleeping when he slept, and doing nothing else around the house. Most of the time was SPring/Summer too so it was nice out. She has since said that she's felt caged for 2 years.
Also, with her dad's lung cancer, now spread to the brain, our nurse friend thinks she could still be suffering from postpartum or now she's just depressed.
My W still refuses to get help, but our friend suggested I talk to our family doctor about postpartum and she might be able to schedule a visit with Chantel for something else, and then ask some targeted questions about her time with our son.
Any thoughts on how this may or may not change how I deal with this?
Yes. Do nothing. The last thing you want to do right now is tell her you think she has mental issues and needs help. She fired you as H and you are the last person in the world she will take advice from right now. She'll just see it as you refusing to own your issues and instead heaping them all on her "mental problems". Don't do it, it will not go over well.
The only exception to this is if you feel she is in imminent harm to herself, as in she is suicidal and might act on it. In that case you would want to call a suicide hotline and ask advice. But don't try to intervene with her directly, if she's suicidal then you will need to work through doctors and/ or her family to get help for her. To be clear it will NOT help your situation and will probably make it worse because she will blame you for "meddling". So it's really a last resort only to be exercised if you think there is danger.
Sounds good - seems to be the core advice...do nothing and work on yourself. She's definitely not in danger of harming herself so I will let her be.
Everyone on this board is great, thank you for responding!
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
A week ago I mentioned my W asked me if I would ever live in a condo (that's where she is now) and I said "If the person I was with wanted to live in a condo, I'd be open to that" and then she said "I mean when our S is still young" and I said "I'd be open"...anyways, I've found out that she was asking me in regards to our family living in a condo together. Is this a temp check? She has mentioned previously in our R that she wanted to move (we are in a nice house with backyard but doesn't have everything she wants).
My W recently invited me to her parent's house for V-day dinner...I typically work until 7 and she asked me if I could move some lessons around (I teach golf) to make it work. I have done that and will be having dinner with her, her parents and my brother in law and his GF.
I've been good at GAL and not pursuing her...she texts me occasionally about random things and respond when I feel like it...should I not?
Her brother spent Saturday night hanging out with her - he doesn't seem to think there is another man involved and thinks she just wants her freedom as she's probably felt overwhelmed with life in general and that if I can just give her space right now that would be best course of action. He's on top of asking her about her own IC and she apparently has a session booked 2-3 weeks from now and is on a waitlist.
I feel like there have been some small positives but I'm also trying to detach from that as I can't read her mind.
One of the things lacking in our M over the past 2 years with our son being born was the passion...I know she enjoys my massages so I was thinking of getting her a "Gift Card" for a massage from me for V-day as a flirty fun thing. I figure even if she is reluctant to she may at least be thinking of how nice it would feel. I think I can give her that with no expectations of how she'll take it. Should I or no? I thought I read it's good to flirt and treat like a new GF or maybe this is too soon....
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
One of the things lacking in our M over the past 2 years with our son being born was the passion...I know she enjoys my massages so I was thinking of getting her a "Gift Card" for a massage from me for V-day as a flirty fun thing. I figure even if she is reluctant to she may at least be thinking of how nice it would feel. I think I can give her that with no expectations of how she'll take it. Should I or no? I thought I read it's good to flirt and treat like a new GF or maybe this is too soon....
Its pure pursuit so don't be surprised if it pushes her further away even if she accepts the idea at first.
A new girlfriend is not comparable to you situation. An exgf is a better comparison although not the best. I wouldn't be flirty either, that's just more pursuit. You keeping tabs on her through her brother is pursuit. She'll know that you're asking about her. If she goes for IC, that's great. But who knows why she is going. She may just be looking for someone who is going to tell her she is doing the right thing in leaving you.
You are chasing after something you can not catch. But it can come to you if you aren't chasing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Definitely. I think your "I'd be open to it" response was fine, much better than something like "I'd do anything for you!"
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My W recently invited me to her parent's house for V-day dinner...I typically work until 7 and she asked me if I could move some lessons around (I teach golf) to make it work. I have done that and will be having dinner with her, her parents and my brother in law and his GF.
Very interesting. If nothing else it shows you are doing some good DB'ing and she's starting to miss you. Doesn't mean you're out of the woods, but DB'ing is all about baby steps and that's a good one.
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I've been good at GAL and not pursuing her...she texts me occasionally about random things and respond when I feel like it...should I not?
No you're doing fine. Sometimes reply right away, sometimes wait a few hours and sometimes (if it's nothing important) don't reply at all.
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Her brother spent Saturday night hanging out with her - he doesn't seem to think there is another man involved and thinks she just wants her freedom as she's probably felt overwhelmed with life in general and that if I can just give her space right now that would be best course of action.
He sounds wise. Just be careful about talking to him about the R, because you can bet he's telling her everything about you too. So when you talk to him focus on your GAL, NOT on how much you miss W. What you want him telling her is "wow Jac is really getting out there and having some fun, you're really missing out."
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I know she enjoys my massages so I was thinking of getting her a "Gift Card" for a massage from me for V-day as a flirty fun thing
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NOPE! Last thing you want to do right now is break into pursuit because she will pull back hard. Do you know the squirrel analogy? It's like feeding a squirrel, you've got to hold perfectly still and let the squirrel approach you. If you make any moves at all the squirrel will go running up the tree and it starts all over again.
This is my wknd with my Son who turns 2 on Friday. My mom is back from Florida and we are having an impromptu bday celebration (pizza, cake and presents) for him this evening. My brother and 2 of my friends are also coming.
Should I have invited my W? She moved out of the home Feb 1. She has previously asked what we should do for his birthday and I know she's anticipating seeing her side of the family next weekend when she has our son. I know she will invite me to join that day.
To be honest, I don't really want her here tonight. I'd prefer to have a nice evening with my family and friends but I feel bad not inviting her.
Thoughts?
Thank you!
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
This is easily the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. The ups and downs are draining but I'm doing everything I can to make sure life is normal for my son and that he's getting the attention that he deserves. I had him for this past weekend and we did a birthday celebration with my mom, brother and a couple friends and then spent the afternoon today at my moms. It's weird that my W isn't there with us and it's a sad reminder that things may never be how they once were.
I've so far done a good job of not contacting my W unless it's about our Son and important.I'm giving her the space she asked for and I'm positive when I see her. She now texts me once/twice each day - sometimes of importance and most times random things. My replies are short but positive but I worry that her being on her own with minimal communication with me will make it easier for her to not be with me down the road.
On Thursday I asked her if she wanted me to pick up our son next Friday so she could go out and party (which she has done every Friday since Dec 7) and she said she might not be going out as she doesn't have any friends. Her best friend at work was fired and 2 others quit so her social circle has reduced. Now that they don't work together it appears they may no longer be hanging out as much as they did for the past 2 months.
I do worry about her though as I think she has post-partum depression. She has said things like: "I hate this life" "I don't know who I am anymore" "I'm not happy" "Half of me wants to run from responsibilities" "I'm a bad wife"
Now with her dad only having a few months to live, she's on her own in her condo, says she has no friends, and has disconnected from her family, I do worry that she's depressed and isn't talking to anyone.
Does this change how I should be interacting with her? Should I be more supportive towards her as a friend would?
I'm pretty confident she's not seeing anyone as she spent this Friday and Saturday at home even though I had our son this wknd. Is she still a WW?
She puts on a good front that she's happy but I know she isn't. Is she trying to prove to herself and others that her actions are right for her?
I can't believe our family isn't together right now...it's crushing. I worry that even in the event that she realizes she's depressed and gets help and wants to be a family she's too stubborn to ever admit she made a mistake.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Jac... you can’t worry about what your w is thinking or feeling right now. There is no doubt that she isn’t happy and she is trying to figure out why. I’m sure the partying is starting to get a bit old. She is likely trying to come to terms with her dad’s illness and his inevitable passing. I think you are doing really well. Keep doing what you are doing. Live your life for you and your son...maintain a positive R with your w but don’t pursue. She needs time and space to figure things out and if you chase her, she will become more cemented in her position. I know how hard this is but there is no short cut. Have faith that you are doing the right thing. Your w’s stubbornness may prevent her from reaching out initially but if she truly decides she made a mistake and wants to return, she will let you know. It is very hard not to do something to try and expedite the process but trust everyone on here, sometimes the absolute best thing to do is to do nothing. (((HUGS)))
